[QUOTE=Nigey Nige;29085206]:smith:[/QUOTE]
I can share that feeling, It's been like, 2 months since someone posted in my thread...
But I'll help by giving you a few comments-
I'm quite interested in finding out what exactly that whistle does that's so important, and why it's linked to the Half Life universe. The entire thing is just a giant cliffhanger.
As far as I can tell, it's written superbly.
Wow, this is quite a spectacular piece of writing. I enjoyed the atmosphere, but I still do have a bit of criticism. First off,
[QUOTE=Niger Nige]I promise, she thought. [I]“I promise!”[/I] She'd said, tucking her new favourite thing away in her belt.[/QUOTE]
The italics make it look as though there is no space between the "I promise!" and the "She'd said..." What I do to remedy this problem is put two spaces between, rather than one. Here's the fixed version:
[QUOTE=Niger Nige]I promise, she thought. [I]“I promise!”[/I] She'd said, tucking her new favourite thing away in her belt.[/QUOTE]
Another small error is the capitalization of "She'd" in "She'd said". It looks quite a bit cleaner with lowercase. Here's the fixed version:
[QUOTE=Niger Nige]I promise, she thought. [I]“I promise!”[/I] she'd said, tucking her new favourite thing away in her belt.[/QUOTE]
Something else I noticed is how it said "I promise, she thought." It's kind of needless, and taking it out conveys the same message, like so:
[QUOTE=Niger Nige][I]“I promise!”[/I] she'd said, tucking her new favourite thing away in her belt.[/QUOTE]
This seems kind of strange, too:
[QUOTE=Niger Nige]He always came back. She was lost in the trees afterwards, but he found her. He would always find her and they'd be suddenly happy again and she'd bury her face in his tummy and he'd laugh and say how lucky they'd been that time and how good and brave she was for running when he told her to.[/QUOTE]
This just doesn't fit very well. That second sentence is a bit too long. I know it's supposed to sound like she's actually saying something there, but it just doesn't fit. Here's the fixed version:
[QUOTE=Niger Nige]He always came back. She was lost in the trees afterwards, but he found her. He would always find her and they'd be suddenly happy again. She would bury her face in his stomach, and he'd laugh and say how lucky they'd been. How good and brave she was for running when he told her to.[/QUOTE]
Anyway, that's what I can think of for now. Happy writing!
[QUOTE=AxerFex;29094819]Anyway, that's what I can think of for now. Happy writing![/QUOTE]
Thanks for the suggestions! I'll have a read through it again and see what I can do.
[QUOTE=Psycho_Shadow;29089393]I can share that feeling, It's been like, 2 months since someone posted in my thread...
But I'll help by giving you a few comments-
I'm quite interested in finding out what exactly that whistle does that's so important, and why it's linked to the Half Life universe. The entire thing is just a giant cliffhanger.
As far as I can tell, it's written superbly.[/QUOTE]
D'aww, thanks. I'll keep an eye out for your threads and post in them. :3
Also CHECK OUT MY BLAG GUYS
I thought this was excellent. Very good writing, too. I would be delighted if you continued it from a passage to a short story, or even a novel!
[QUOTE=Jattl;29152905]I thought this was excellent. Very good writing, too. I would be delighted if you continued it from a passage to a short story, or even a novel![/QUOTE]
Thanks! I love you. (disguised bump)
Nice! I liked it. It is a huge cliffhanger, but that's not a bad thing. I await eagerly for the sequel.
oh and Axerfex, I dont really think the run-on sentence is a bad thing. it gives it more feeling, you know? thoughts are not always cut and dried. but yeah, it was good.
[QUOTE=Potanis;29269500]Nice! I liked it. It is a huge cliffhanger, but that's not a bad thing. I await eagerly for the sequel.
oh and Axerfex, I dont really think the run-on sentence is a bad thing. it gives it more feeling, you know? thoughts are not always cut and dried. but yeah, it was good.[/QUOTE]
Cheers! I'm gonna come back after exams and write some more on this.
[QUOTE=AxerFex;29094819]The italics make it look as though there is no space between the "I promise!" and the "She'd said..." What I do to remedy this problem is put two spaces between, rather than one. Here's the fixed version:[/QUOTE]
You can't put two spaces between things, it automatically corrects it.
GUYS: QUESTION
What things would you like to see in a Half-Life fanfiction? Stuff that wasn't explored in the main games? I'm thinking about taking it through some destroyed suburbs with bullsquid packs roaming the streets and things like that. Ideas?
[QUOTE=AxerFex;29094819]This just doesn't fit very well. That second sentence is a bit too long. I know it's supposed to sound like she's actually saying something there, but it just doesn't fit. Here's the fixed version:[/QUOTE]
No, because now it sounds too... seperate. Lemme fix it better:
[quote]He always came back. She was lost in the trees afterwards, but he found her. He would always find her, and they'd be suddenly happy again. She would bury her face in his stomach, and he'd laugh and say how lucky they'd been, and how good and brave she was for running when he told her to.[/quote]
Now it sounds very good.
or at least to me it sounds correct, the full stop between "how lucky they'd been. How good and brave she was" seems to make the two sentences sound like two topics in a way. Comma-ing that shit makes the sentence uniform.
[editline]28th April 2011[/editline]
[QUOTE=Nigey Nige;29465662]GUYS: QUESTION
What things would you like to see in a Half-Life fanfiction? Stuff that wasn't explored in the main games? I'm thinking about taking it through some destroyed suburbs with bullsquid packs roaming the streets and things like that. Ideas?[/QUOTE]
I think more headcrabs. Describe how Reni finds Gabriel lying on the ground with a headhumper on him or something.
Or how the pair meet up again, and Gabriel has a gravity-gun that he found somewhere, and he used it to haul a crate of 'nades back to the freight container.
Or MAYBE... Maybe you can tie HL2 and Portal together! That would make a worthwile read, Reni trips and falls into the Aperture labs, and then Gabriel finds a way to get her out, through an abandoned section of the black mesa facility :iiam:
[QUOTE=lolnubs;29485996]Or how the pair meet up again, and Gabriel has a gravity-gun that he found somewhere, and he used it to haul a crate of 'nades back to the freight container.
Or MAYBE... Maybe you can tie HL2 and Portal together! That would make a worthwile read, Reni trips and falls into the Aperture labs, and then Gabriel finds a way to get her out, through an abandoned section of the black mesa facility :iiam:[/QUOTE]
I'll have a think about it right after I'm done :colbert:ing
To be honest, all of those suggestions are cliche as hell.
I'd go with something a bit simpler. Maybe have Gabe and Reni run into another group of rebels/fugitives. Having that group narrate the terrible dangers they've faced would be a good way to add action to the story without putting the main characters in harm's way, or ruining Reni's innocence.
[QUOTE=linksysruler;29500192]To be honest, all of those suggestions are cliche as hell.
I'd go with something a bit simpler. Maybe have Gabe and Reni run into another group of rebels/fugitives. Having that group narrate the terrible dangers they've faced would be a good way to add action to the story without putting the main characters in harm's way, or ruining Reni's innocence.[/QUOTE]
Reading that was like throwing dynamite into a fart chamber. IDEA SHITSTORM :buddy:
Thanks dude.
Just updated the OP with everything I've written so far. It's been slow since I tend to jump around between projects a lot. Thoughts, anyone?
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