I'd love some feedback, thanks!
[quote]Chapter One
Ecstatic. That’s how Joseph felt. His mind was racing as the images of the sun-kissed foliage in late October were breaking away. Falling around his face. He turned his head and looked at Kacy. Her long coffee-colored hair laid out around her head as she stared at the amazing shower of leaves. She had always been there, had always kept him in place. She smiled as they lie there on the leaves that had lived their lives through spring and summer. The park was empty but them. On a mid-afternoon. Joseph felt slightly bothered by the fact that they were the only two there. Though it scratched lightly at the back of his mind, he enjoyed the time he was wasting away with Kacy. With her.
“It’s almost sad, isn’t it?”
“Hm?”
“The leaves,” Kacy said in an almost monotonous voice. “They live for six months, looking over the park… and then they just… fall.”
“I s’pose.”
Kacy turned her head toward Joseph, who was now fixated on the rays of sunlight striving to break through the foliage. She smiled at him and shimmied closer to him.
Joseph felt her warm body creeping closer and freed an arm from under his head, straightening it out and under her head. He was happy at this moment. Nothing mattered much other than her presence and the sweetness that is autumn. “You know, we’re a lot like leaves ourselves,” Kacy whispered, “we live so much of our life attached to what feels safe. Then after awhile, we detach. Live. Experience new things… until… it’s just… over.” She started to zone out, staring up at another leaf that was falling slowly right above her face. Joseph felt a shiver through his body. “You know. You’ve got a niche for comparisons,” he joked, “you should write a book on your views of everyday things.” All she did was smile and lay an arm over his chest.
As the half-naked trees shed more leaves, he felt an uneasy feeling in his stomach. Almost eerie. He turned his head again, and saw she had fallen asleep. Joseph stared at her face, half shaded from the trees, half glowing from the sunlight. He slowly pulled his arm out from under her head and sat up. As he sat up, he noticed there were still no people in the park. Not one. This made him feel even more uneasy, almost sick. He was starting to feel tired himself, and as quickly as the feeling came, the sun had disappeared.
“K-kacy…” He reached a hand out toward her while looking toward the gazebo past some of the trees. Nothing. Joseph looked to his right and saw nothing but thin grass, no leaves, no sign of Kacy. Panicked, he jumped up to his feet, eyes darting all around for a sign of her. Nothing. Nothing but bare trees and the old gazebo. Joseph never liked that gazebo, it gave him an odd feeling for some reason. The canary-yellow paint had for the most part been chipped away from storms and teenagers with a lot of time on their hands (who paints a gazebo bright yellow anyway?). He walked toward it, legs shaky. As he neared it he said Kacy’s name, over and over, until it eventually became a slightly suppressed scream. Why am I not screaming as loud as I can? It’s not like I’ll wake anyone, nobody’s here. But his voice wouldn’t rise above a whispery scream. It couldn’t. Soon he felt dizzy, as if someone had slipped him a roofie. But I haven’t eaten or drank anything since… since… He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had any form of nourishment.
“Joseph,” a voice came from behind him, “you did this.” The voice wasn’t Kacy’s voice, it wasn’t a woman’s voice at all. It wasn’t a man’s voice either. The whisper that came from behind him seemed to be more of a… whisper. He couldn’t think of any other way to describe it other than a whisper.
“Stop fooling yourself, Joey.”
“Who are you. What is going on.”
“Heh.”
Joseph ran to the gazebo, hoping the whispering enigma wasn’t as fast as he was. He made a quick one-eighty and looked back to where he had been. With Kacy. But he hadn’t been with Kacy, she wasn’t there. The leaves weren’t even on the ground for some reason. His eyes were moving fast, but he couldn’t spot the thing that was neither man nor woman.
The voice abruptly broke the silence, “She was a fucking liar, anyway. You don’t need her here.” Joseph whirled around again and saw nothing. It was as if the voice was coming from within his head. “You don’t need anyone here.” At this, Joseph tore himself from the gnarled gazebo and made for the road. He ran for what seemed like hours. This isn’t real, this isn’t real. Desperately trying to reassure himself, he pressed on, hoping to wake at any moment. Joseph ran as fast as his legs would let him, and all of a sudden stopped dead in his tracks.
That damn gazebo.
Joseph walked slowly toward it, until he got close enough to see what color it was. A bright canary yellow. The paint was chipped. What the hell is going on? He looked closer and saw that this time there was somebody kneeling in the middle of it. “Kacy? Is that you?” He cautiously approached the gazebo, stomach turning over in knots. As he got closer, the moon provided a little light onto the floor, and he could see long coffee-colored hair hanging down from the person’s head. “Kacy. Get up, we’ve got to go. Now.” But there was no response. It was so quiet that his ears were ringing so loud he thought he’d vomit. He got closer to the kneeling figure and placed a hand on its shoulder. So cold.
As he started to pull back on the shoulder, the figure’s head fell back and Joseph screamed. This time at full volume. The person’s eyes were gone, replaced by colonies of maggots dripping out onto his shoes. The nose had rotted away and he could see clearly into the person’s nasal cavity along with the bone that met rotting flesh. He fell backward and leaned against the railing, turning his head away and seeing someone standing not-so-close but not-so-far from him and his clearly dead friend. He looked on, fixated by the silhouette’s somehow cool stance. The figure was smoking a cigarette with one hand, the other in its pocket. Smoke billowed from where its mouth had to be, dancing in the moonlight. As he stared he thought he could see a smile. An unnerving smile. The one your dentist gave you before saying “This won’t hurt a bit.” At this, Joseph closed his eyes, pressing his eyelids together as hard as he could.[/quote]
Chilling, yet short ^^
[quote]“Who are you. What is going on.”[/quote]
Doesn't seems right.
[quote]“Who are you? What is going on?!”[/quote]
And i would like a short information about the book.
I really liked it
I liked it!
You could fix how som of the sentences are done ( like diffrent punctuation or diffrent choice of words).
It wasn't boring to read it dragged me into it, but really the wording bothered me quite a lot:
"The park was empty but them."
"On a mid-afternoon."
For example the first sentence is awkward and the second one should be paired with another sentence, alone it's awkward.
[QUOTE=LaTrefle;31564801]Doesn't seems right.
And i would like a short information about the book.[/QUOTE]
Well, it's a dream sequence. Like when I explain that he can't raise his voice but feels that panic inside. He can't seem to express his feelings in this dream until the very end when it overwhelms him.
[QUOTE=Nyaa;31572709]I liked it!
You could fix how som of the sentences are done ( like diffrent punctuation or diffrent choice of words).
It wasn't boring to read it dragged me into it, but really the wording bothered me quite a lot:
"The park was empty but them."
"On a mid-afternoon."
For example the first sentence is awkward and the second one should be paired with another sentence, alone it's awkward.[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I know what you mean. I've edited a bit after reading over it a lot. I've been thinking of different paths I can put this story on and I think I've got the perfect idea...
Yes, what Nyaa was saying. A lot of the wording and sentence structure is awkward to read.
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