• The Strange Adventures of Pip
    4 replies, posted
This was a project a few years back for english class. It was required to make an interesting continuation of the book Great Expectations, and we had to start where Pip was being sent off to London. I decided to post this because it had no use sitting in my files. Pip continues to ride down the dirt trail on his journey to London. “Driver, can you ride along the shoreline so I can watch the seagulls?” asked Pip. “Yes sir, we can do that.” the driver said. They continued down the trail and made the nearest exit to ride along the seashore. It was fairly warm with slight fog on the sea. Pip is already enjoying his great expectations. “What do you plan on doing when you become a gentleman Pip?” “I’m not sure, maybe I’ll meet Estella in the future and be with her forever,” said Pip. “Riding along the shoreline sure makes me sleepy.” A few hours pass, and Pip becomes very tired. He eventually falls asleep. He has a terrible nightmare that evil pirates captured his whole family. Pip wakes up with a cold sweat. He can’t get the idea out of his head that something is wrong. He eventually calms down and decides to go back to sleep. In the mean time, the driver makes a quick stop to change horses and eat some food. The driver gets back on the carriage and sets off for a long ride ahead. But then, from the fog, a huge black pirate ship lurks up near the coastline and fires a cannon ball near the carriage. The horse stops suddenly causing Pip to wake up. “What’s the matter driver?” asked Pip. “Pirates, Pip, pirates!” the driver shouted back. The battle didn’t last long though. The pirates captured Pip and killed the driver with a golden spoon. Then, they dragged Pip onto the massive ship where they make him their slave. A few years pass, and Pip’s job is to swab the poop deck for a living. “Captain, why do you call it the poop deck?” exclaimed Pip. “Pip, son, you really don’t want to know.” said the captain. After years of hard work, the captain finally started to appreciate Pip for who he was. Pip then spends ten years of raiding French colonies and cities for gold and treasure. They only raided the French because they never had an army or militia to fight back. They would just put up a fuss and accept it. The captain and Pip are best friends and they did everything together. “Pip, you are such a good friend I’m making you my first mate.” said the captain. “Really? I’m very thankful captain, I will honor this moment forever.” said Pip. “Good, now swab the poop deck some more Pip, our cook just made bad chili tonight!” laughed the captain. Several years pass, and the fearsome pirates raid cities all over the world. Unfortunately, the captain caught the swine flu when he visited the Virgin Islands. Luckily, the captain was nice enough to leave his crew and boat in his will to Pip. Pip was very excited since he had never controlled anything this powerful. But even though he was captain now, he had no idea what to do. “Why don’t we make an alliance with a bunch of pirates.” said a pirate. "Great idea,” said Pip, “I’m going to form an alliance of pirates!” So Pip and his crew set off to Italy to form an alliance. They visited many places on their journey and got in many battles. During one battle, Pip lost an eye from a horrible cannon loading accident. Luckily, one of the pirates had a spare eye patch lying around. It was a golden eye patch with a silver lining to shine in the sun which Pip loved very much. His crew eventually got to Italy, where they formed the alliance of pirates. There hideout was in the basement of the Vatican Church. It consisted of 100,000 fierce pirates from all over the world. Most of them were convicts that escaped from the hulk or prisons. By now Pip’s personality wasn’t the same when he was a boy. Now, he is a short-tempered captain who is very mad all the time. So, the alliance of the pirates knew that if they wanted to be known, they had do something drastic and never before done. They had to take over Britain. Pip and his 100,000 crew raided London and captured it. They renamed Britain to Pirate’s Place. Now that Pip had control of Britain, every other country cowered under the rule of Pip. Even though Pip is a great ruler, he knew he had to divide up the power. He appointed pirate officers to run certain parts of his government. One of the officers was in control of the laws, so he created many. One of his laws are as follows: everyone that lives in Pirate’s Place must wear brown clothes and jingle their keys and pocket change every time someone enters or exits the room. After a few years of ruling, Pip gets very bored. He is also thinking of his old family, who he left ages ago. So, Pip decides to make a visit to his old family. When Pip does return to his house, he sees that it is terrible shape. The windows are broken, the roof is gone, and there are dead chickens everywhere. That does not stop Pip from going into his old house. Pip swings the door open to find Joe with another woman! “Joe! What are you doing with her?” asked Pip. “This is my new wife Pip. I left Mrs. Joe years ago when I admitted her into the mental hospital.” Said Joe. “Oh well, things happen. Would you like to live with me in my new house Joe?” asked Pip. “Sure, that would be great! I’m going to bring my new wife too, and I hope you don’t mind this, but I’m bringing Orlick too. He’s a good servant, see?" said Joe. Pip looked over into the corner of the house only to see Orlick shackled to a boulder and wearing a rat costume. With Pip and Joe satisfied, they moved back to London where they lived in their mansion with Orlick as their butler. About five months pass before Pip appoints Joe to general of his army, then sends him off to conquer Spain. A few weeks pass with good news from Joe, until Orlick gives Pip the daily paper saying that Miss Havisham died from old age. "Oh darn, I just remembered that I left a sock in her house. How will I ever get it back?" exclaimed Pip. "May I make s suggestion Pip?" asked Orlick. "Maybe you can get that new scientist, Pasteur, to resurrect Miss Havisham so she can tell you where your sock is." "Great idea Orlick! I'm going to find this guy Pasteur right now!" said Pip. So Pip sets off into France to find Pasteur, the famous scientist. It takes Pip seven months of hard searching before he found Pasteur's castle. "Pasteur, I am in dire need of your help. I need you to resurrect Miss Havisham so She can tell me where my sock is." said Pip "Sure, I will help you. This operation is risky, so I cannot guarantee it will be successful. See, I have been experimenting with reversing the aging effect in bacteria and cells in dead organisms so when I give them a jolt of electricity, they spring back to life!" shouted Pasteur. "Great, I'll bring in Miss Havisham so we can get to work." said Pip. Pasteur starts working immediately to bring back Miss Havisham. He spends hours trying to resurrect her. They waited for the next lightning storm so they could get the right amount of power needed to bring her back to life. Pasteur pulled on a yellow lever to start Havisham's climb to the top of the castle where she will be alive once more. A giant bolt of lightning strikes the metal rod connected to Miss Havisham. They wait in silence... Then, they see movement. Pip and Pasteur are stunned. Miss Havisham is sitting up. "We did it! We did it!" shouted Pasteur. Pasteur quickly lowered down the table so he can see it for himself. The table came down to where they were standing, and she looks at Pip. "Why are you here, I'm not giving you any money." croaked Miss Havisham. "No, I don't want money, I just want to know where my sock is, I am very heart broken over it." cried Pip. "Ha, your sock? I'm not giving you anything!" laughed Miss Havisham. Havisham grabbed a hickory stick and caned them both. She then quickly ran out of the castle never to be seen again leaving a trail of skin behind her. "That was a waste, but oh well. At least it was fun." said Pip. "Yes, it was fun, but here's the catch. Where's my money? I didn't bring back someone from the dead just to be unpaid." said Pasteur. Pip agreed and paid Pasteur 10 pence for his time and effort. Disappointed, Pip returns to Pirate's Place where he wallows in sadness for 2 years. During that time, Joe, on the other hand, is successfully conquering land all over the globe. He doesn't believe in violence, so he asks the empires if they would like to be a part of the pirate empire. They usually say yes just because Joe is so nice. Also, deep in the African jungle, Miss Havisham decides to make a rocket that will spray sadness everywhere so no one will be happy. She called her rocket the V-2 Rocket. She eventually sells the rocket design to an unknown group called the National Socialist German Workers Party for some extra cash. With the money she made from the rocket, she decided to live in the African Gombe forest near a colony of apes and monkeys, and that was the end of Miss Havisham. Pip and Joe finally conquered the entire planet, thus ending war and hatred forever. They called their land the Galactic Empire. In the end, Pip no longer had any great expectations, because he had exceeded them all thus making nobody expect anything more from him. Sorry if it's all bunched together, I'm just lazy.
[QUOTE=obiwansexobi;21374930] Sorry if it's all bunched together, I'm just lazy.[/QUOTE] I suggest you fix it, most people won't read it in it's current state. Including me.
Erm. I skimmed that. And I thought to myself "What the bloody fuck is this shit?" If you're a troll, which I think you are, GTFO. On the other hand, if this is serious, you need to seriously rethink everything.
Agreed.
How to fix: Erase it all. That book was horrible. How to fix the other half: bash your head into a wall until you forget the contents of this book.
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