• An Excerpt from a Book I'm Writing...
    2 replies, posted
(I apologize that I couldn't indent on here) The less I say, the better. Here's the prologue to something in the works, enjoy! The crowd parted with angry remarks and startled shrieks, but he couldn’t get through fast enough — the prey was escaping. The darkness overhead was stalled by the overlapping city lights, which emanated from windows, news broadcasting screens, cell phones, and from cars that shot past the balcony. There would be enough darkness though when he caught up with his target. He pulled his hood close over his head, slipping through narrow spaces in the crowd until he found himself walking along the balcony of the building. It was a sheer drop that plummeted straight into a busy street lit up with hovering traffic and barely visible street lamps, all at least forty or so thousand feet below him. As he walked he let his knife slip from his sleeve into his hand, caressing the cool, smooth metal. The small blade was his trademark – criminals shuddered when he threatened them with it. He pulled his goggles from his forehead down over his eyes and turned them on. The device pointed out every civilian in a green highlight, and a small red arrow showed where his target was. It bobbed up and down slightly, indicating his prey was less than two hundred meters ahead. He picked up the pace. The target moved into an alley. Big mistake — obviously the tip-off had been right when it said that the bounty didn’t know he was being hunted. Too bad for him, he thought. Makes the job that much easier. Before following his target into the alley, he took his usual look at the two moons, Luna and Artimus, and gave a silent prayer. He wasn’t the religious type, but found that most of his missions went far better when he just prayed to the moons. Best not to take any chances. His finger went over the blade eagerly. He followed the red arrow indicator around a few turns, until it stopped. His target stood still only a few dozen meters ahead, at a dead end. The hunter took note of the two windows a short way up on both sides of the alley, both directly above two garbage cans. A convenient place for an ambush. So the target didn’t know about the mission, huh? Best not to take any chances. Pyke walked in circles, waiting. He looked up shortly to see his guest standing at the only exit of the alley, a few feet in front of the two dumpsters. The dull light from the windows above let Pyke see the silhouette of the hunter. “You’ve gone too far this time, Bounty Hunter.” His voice rang with the hints of a city-roaming, peoples-person. Pyke grinned as his left hand stroked his beard and his right held a pistol behind his back. The Bounty Hunter only stood there, legs and arms spread in an aggressive stance. “You haven’t gone far enough, Pyke. You would have left this city if you’d known what was best for you. Prime has it out for you.” Pyke chuckled as he saw what kind of lowlife Cullis Prime had sent to have him taken out. A kid with a torn hoody, ripped jeans, and some boots. Hardly the outfit of a Bounty Hunter, much less a modern, civilized person. He figured it was some big shot kid who thought he was ready to take on the toughest target — well he’d have a surprise, wouldn’t he? “You don’t know what you’ve just stepped yourself and your company into this time, kid.” “That’s their business, not mine,” said the Bounty Hunter, and started walking forward. Pyke clapped his hands, still smirking, and both of the windows at the entrance of the alley opened up, just a couple of yards behind the Hunter, and three of Pyke’s agents jumped out of each, landing in the garbage cans. Pyke had set up the Bounty Hunter from the beginning, and lured him into this trap. His victory had been assured when — BOOM! As soon as the agents landed in the dumpsters, they exploded, obliterating the agents and propelling the Bounty Hunter forward. He used the propulsion to his advantage, and aimed his blade at the chest of Pyke, who had no chance to move aside before he found the knife in him. They were both laying on the metal surface, with Pyke on his back coughing up blood and the Bounty Hunter kneeled over on his chest. He still held the knife with two bloody hands mixed with sweat that dripped from his chin. The Bounty Hunter smiled. “I never take chances, Pyke. And no, I’m not a kid.” He twisted the blade deeper into Pyke’s chest and pulled it out. The dying man gasped, searching for air. But instead he failed, and his head lopped over. He was dead. The Bounty Hunter salvaged any money from the body, and tucked one last explosive ribbon piece into Pyke’s belt (the same strip of ribbon that he had placed in the dumpsters), and hurried out of the alley. He phoned Cullis Prime, who was his primary contractor for targets. When the receiver end picked up, the Bounty Hunter said, “It’s done, now where’s my transfer?” The voice on the other end replied, “Kane, it’s done? Here is your transfer.” Kane Hayman pulled up his hoodie sleeve, revealing a tiny watch that expanded into a holographic interface at the touch of a button. He checked his bank account and grinned while he watched the sum go up a good amount. “All right.” “So you’re sure he’s dead?” Kane pressed the detonator, and replied to the receiver, “Oh yeah. He’s gone.”
I'm just going to put down some thoughts as I'm reading this. I'm glad you haven't given us a bunch of bullshit trying to excuse your writing in some way, you're already off to a healthy start. First sentence is very good- it's got some awkward bits but it gives us a conflict- and I feel like you're intentionally holding off on introducing your protagonist. Is this intentional? It's important that you establish a character for the audience to grow with as quickly as possible so you're taking a serious risk by limiting yourself to "he" for the first few paragraphs. -After reading the entire piece it makes sense, but the triple reversal between potential protagonists so quickly in the story might leave the audience with a bitter taste in their mouth, and less willing to trust your direction as an author later on. Another minor issue with the first sentence is "but he couldn't get through fast enough" doesn't seem necessary. You want to hook your audience as quickly as possible with minimal fluff, and "the prey was escaping" already conveys a sense of urgency and subtextually tells the audience that he isn't able to move through the crowd fast enough. Not to mention "couldn't get through fast enough" doesn't seem to carry much weight. Moving on! I'm not sure I care for sentence two or three. I understand the message from 3 is somewhat important and prefaced by two, but from what I can tell in the next few sentences you continually slow the pace down to explain details, even having the character slow to a walk, when we should be pulled along by the intense chase scene you've established for the audience. Is he worried about catching up with his quarry? If yes he shouldn't stop running and smell the roses before he continues, and if he isn't, you shouldn't establish your scene by directly telling the audience he was escaping. I'm going to put a hold on any further minor details and just give a general critique. I personally think you've written something a good deal too busy. There's a lot going on and I don't think it's meshed together very fluidly, nor with much finesse. You've got a lot of awkward writing and moments I'm not convinced are logically sound, but there's some solid potential as well. From a technical standpoint you've just about got it- no glaring spelling or grammatical errors. You just need to read a shitload of books and write a shitload more as you develop and mature as a writer. The same as with any other hobby- your style will improve and your writing will grow more assured and consistent. Still, I've definitely read much worse and, at least on Facepunch not read much better, so pat yourself on the back and keep at it.
Thanks for the comments and critique! I'll use all of it well. :) Yes, I meant to keep the intro busy and mysterious, but I might've gone overboard with it. I wanted to outline a fast-paced city without giving too much detail, so I might have to revise a bit to achieve that. My goal was to indirectly unveil the events in this prologue which would help setup the characters after the book 'officially' starts in Ch. 1. I'm glad someone finally gave me the critique I need instead of just comments because comments won't make me any better. :eng101:
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