I've been working with this novel for a year, right about now. I am not a professional or have any degree--or in-progress on having a degree--in literature. I just read a lot now, and write. I hardly play video games, anymore. This is my calling, my talent...I think, let me just see where it leads to.
Well, the novel is about a girl who finds herself sitting on a bench in a park during a Winter storm. She's suffering from moderate hypothermia, her legs are numb and she can't remember how she got there.
She then proceed to [I]try[/I] to recollect her memories on how she got there on the bench.
Please tell me what you think, honestly, and no bullshit.
Excerpt of the prologue (Developing Stages): [URL]https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_2x40Rq3XSnK101sGtw9A3kqnYVwbTF2EQFwGG6Lj_c/edit?hl=en&authkey=CMv61Y8J[/URL]
[B]Edit:[/B]
Official Plot Synopsis:
[quote]Samantha Robertson, a sixteen-year-old girl from Cherry Hill, New Jersey found herself almost frozen on a bench in a park during a snow storm at the Winter of 2009
She can’t remember how she got there on the bench. Underdressed, wearing only her older brother’s old black overcoat to keep her warn, which is not enough.
Shivering from the cold and her limbs almost numb, that the blood in her veins are frozen, preventing movement. She couldn’t leave the bench. She could only ignore the cold, putting her mind to recollecting the accounts of how she got there. But, she only uncovered a dark secret from her past that was better left forgotten.[/quote]
There's a lot of tense shifts just in that one excerpt, and I really think that detracts a lot from the writing style. Not to mention I'm particular too fond about the writing style just cause of the blunt delivery of most of your sentences. To be honest, it's just really cheesy in certain parts, because it's as if you're over detailing certain actions or aspects that don't need detailing, for example this particular segment bothered the hell out of me:
[quote]I tried to stomp my feet…it’s no use, they’re numb. I leaned down and started to rub my legs with my hands. I rubbed them so fast with a tight grip, from the knees to the ankles. I got tired right away, it was a futile try.[/quote]Not only is there a major tense shift in the first two sentences and back again in the third, it's not even a great description of how she's attempting to warm herself up, it just sounds like she's rubbing his leg and became tired because of it.
The tense is the biggest issue, as you keep changing it from each sentence, there is absolutely no consistency and you need to fix that if you want to be taken seriously at all.
[quote]Why did I go outside!? Knowing that there’s a blizzard coming…I don’t know.[/quote] This segment, to be honest, sounds like a fourth grader wrote this. Unless you were going for that style, it really just sounds completely cheesy. Just don't even bother with ellipses, they don't add anything to writing besides making you look like you're having trouble conveying or articulating a scene and decided to extend it out and add some sort of weak sense of style.
[quote]I’m shaking so much from the forecasted weather. Our muscles vibrate when we are freezing, like guitar strings, to prevent that.[/quote]These two sentences bothered me so much, particularly from the cheesy metaphor compared to the guitar strings. Seriously, you just need to read more or something, because conveying a sense of cold or freezing state, would you really think about guitar strings? I probably would have gone with darker imagery in trying to convey the sense of cold that the narrator is obviously feeling.
There just needs to be a stronger sense of style, there is no gauge of how this work is supposed to be by your writing style. Is it dark and fearful? Is it lighthearted? Is her situation scary or not? Despite the first person narrative telling style, it feels like there is no actual connection from the narrator to reader, because there is little to no emotional nuances within the work. I personally feel this story would be much better told just from a third person perspective, as there appears to be a limited access just to the character's thought's herself.
Also, this seems like an inconsistency in my eyes mentioning the forecast (it's supposed to be just forecast by the way) weather, after all, there is a sense of confusion and loss throughout the excerpt, yet the narrator recalls the forecast?
I'm no writer, but I read a decent amount and analyze literature all the time for my lit class, and I feel like this writing is very amateur at this point. You need to get a better grasp of the English language as a whole, metaphors and style and such. A lot of the metaphors and diction found within the segment feel forced and childish, as if you thought of the metaphor by looking at something next to you.
A really good writer pours their soul and emotion into their work, and you can easily tell. Incorporating themes, ideas, motifs, and an overall arching idea and point to a story is key, as any good story teaches you something.
What grade are you in?
The biggest problem I have is your using really short sentences in the beginning, something that new novelists seem to think makes the introduction catching, however you should rarely keep that short sentence consistency unless you are trying to convey a sense of urgency or a rapid passing of time.
Following that, she doesn't seem to be urgently trying to go anywhere, or even try to figure out what she is doing there all that quickly. Like RiceWarrior said, that similie was pretty bad. It completely destroyed what little flow the prologue had going for it at that point, and the overall light-hearted sounding mood just doesn't work well with the type of story you're trying to tell.
It all seems unorganized and disconnected, and there really is not a clear idea of what you're going for at all. That is a huge flaw, since the beginning to a story is arguably the most important.
[QUOTE=henrietta;29145330]...[/QUOTE]
You wanna unlearn this.
[QUOTE=Lanopo;29184888]You wanna unlearn this.[/QUOTE]
yep i hate that too for some reason
[QUOTE=RiceWarrior;29178953]There's a lot of tense shifts just in that one excerpt, and I really think that detracts a lot from the writing style. Not to mention I'm particular too fond about the writing style just cause of the blunt delivery of most of your sentences. To be honest, it's just really cheesy in certain parts, because it's as if you're over detailing certain actions or aspects that don't need detailing, for example this particular segment bothered the hell out of me:
Not only is there a major tense shift in the first two sentences and back again in the third, it's not even a great description of how she's attempting to warm herself up, it just sounds like she's rubbing his leg and became tired because of it.
The tense is the biggest issue, as you keep changing it from each sentence, there is absolutely no consistency and you need to fix that if you want to be taken seriously at all.
This segment, to be honest, sounds like a fourth grader wrote this. Unless you were going for that style, it really just sounds completely cheesy. Just don't even bother with ellipses, they don't add anything to writing besides making you look like you're having trouble conveying or articulating a scene and decided to extend it out and add some sort of weak sense of style.
These two sentences bothered me so much, particularly from the cheesy metaphor compared to the guitar strings. Seriously, you just need to read more or something, because conveying a sense of cold or freezing state, would you really think about guitar strings? I probably would have gone with darker imagery in trying to convey the sense of cold that the narrator is obviously feeling.
There just needs to be a stronger sense of style, there is no gauge of how this work is supposed to be by your writing style. Is it dark and fearful? Is it lighthearted? Is her situation scary or not? Despite the first person narrative telling style, it feels like there is no actual connection from the narrator to reader, because there is little to no emotional nuances within the work. I personally feel this story would be much better told just from a third person perspective, as there appears to be a limited access just to the character's thought's herself.
Also, this seems like an inconsistency in my eyes mentioning the forecast (it's supposed to be just forecast by the way) weather, after all, there is a sense of confusion and loss throughout the excerpt, yet the narrator recalls the forecast?
I'm no writer, but I read a decent amount and analyze literature all the time for my lit class, and I feel like this writing is very amateur at this point. You need to get a better grasp of the English language as a whole, metaphors and style and such. A lot of the metaphors and diction found within the segment feel forced and childish, as if you thought of the metaphor by looking at something next to you.
A really good writer pours their soul and emotion into their work, and you can easily tell. Incorporating themes, ideas, motifs, and an overall arching idea and point to a story is key, as any good story teaches you something.
What grade are you in?[/QUOTE]
That's the criticism I was expecting. I don't get much detailed criticism on how I should write this and that, I only get grammar correction. I am in the tenth grade. I am an amateur. My Dad teaches Europeans English, who I almost get all the corrections for my writings, that's if he's not busy or sleeping.
Anyway, I agree on myself that my writing is very amateur. But, I wrote it still to have the ideas and scenes recorded, so once I know better I can resume and rewrite it, properly. This is the reason why I posted an excerpt of the prologue of my story, so I know what to do with it, and develop it.
I'm considering to make the story told in a third-person narrative. The story is being told in first-person, which all of the drafts are written that way, so the reader will be uninformed of the thoughts of the persons surrounding the character but only give speculations. Again, I might have given another vague explanation. But, I'll keep trying.
[editline]15th April 2011[/editline]
It maybe just the prologue, so I'll transcribe a chapter into Google Docs. And, I used the ellipsis frequent 'cause the character is freezing and losing her chain of thought.
You constantly use the past tense, in the same sentences as the present, while that isn't too bad occasiaonly, you do it too often. The piece given is a prologue, yet it feels that we have already been flung into chapter one. Unless you have a "and this is how it started" and then lead into a scene different from the one described in the prologue. You describe well, yet sometimes vague which is in a way good, as a book is bought by a reader to imagine the world for themselves, I think of it as part of the fun. Sadly, your language is lacking. I found the language boring and you could definatley replace some words with more "exciting" words or phrases.
I think that your prologue also needs to be more of a solliquoy, as I assume it is your way of showing the reader your characters thoughts.
Overall, a somewhat solid start. It requires quite a few adapatations and a change in the language (but I am not sure if that is me nitpicking). Who am I to give you advice and constructive critiscm? An A* English student who hopes to gain an English Degree. I am also in the process of finishing my own book. One thing I have learnt while writing mine is that nothing can ever be truly perfect. I've gone over all my chapters at least three times (making drastic changes) and the book reads the better for them.
Keep writing though! The story is intriguing.
[QUOTE=Ruski v2.0;29194277]You constantly use the past tense, in the same sentences as the present, while that isn't too bad occasiaonly, you do it too often. The piece given is a prologue, yet it feels that we have already been flung into chapter one. Unless you have a "and this is how it started" and then lead into a scene different from the one described in the prologue. You describe well, yet sometimes vague which is in a way good, as a book is bought by a reader to imagine the world for themselves, I think of it as part of the fun. Sadly, your language is lacking. I found the language boring and you could definatley replace some words with more "exciting" words or phrases.
I think that your prologue also needs to be more of a solliquoy, as I assume it is your way of showing the reader your characters thoughts.
Overall, a somewhat solid start. It requires quite a few adapatations and a change in the language (but I am not sure if that is me nitpicking). Who am I to give you advice and constructive critiscm? An A* English student who hopes to gain an English Degree. I am also in the process of finishing my own book. One thing I have learnt while writing mine is that nothing can ever be truly perfect. I've gone over all my chapters at least three times (making drastic changes) and the book reads the better for them.
Keep writing though! The story is intriguing.[/QUOTE]
Will do! I'm in the progress of rewriting some of the chapters after re-reading them.
[QUOTE=henrietta;29191394]It maybe just the prologue, so I'll transcribe a chapter into Google Docs. And, I used the ellipsis frequent 'cause the character is freezing and losing her chain of thought.[/QUOTE]
Personally, I think a better way to convey the idea of a character losing her train of thought due to freezing or cold is breaking down into simplified sentences. Like, as she slowly loses her grasp of reality, her thoughts become simpler and less complex because it's harder for her to function as a whole.