Wrote the beggining of a short story, need some feedback

[shemer77]

Looks better on word, what do you guys think as the start of a short story. Well its gonna be a long short story.

“Still nothing” John says as he turns off the computer. John turns left to face his 2nd monitor. “Futures down, NASDAQ down, my profits down.” He turns to his right to his 3rd monitor. “5 people on a botnet, woo hoo. Maybe I can ddos McDonalds…., Nah, probably not”. John turns off his computer, puts his coat on and enters his car
*****
“I’m telling you this is big” Exclaims Nickoli. “All we gotta do is bet it all on this and were guaranteed.”
“I don’t know.” Sighs Ivan. “I’ve never even heard of a prediction market before. “ How are you so sure Obama will win?”
“I have insider sources, telling me the machines are already rigged for obama.”
“I still don’t know how you’re so sure.”
“Just trust my sources”
“Fine, but I need to do more research.”
“Good”
Ivan goes back to his computer
******
**Typing***
Start  Firefox
[url]http://www.google.com[/url]
Assassination market  I’m Feeling Lucky
Ctrl + C
[url]http://www.meebo.com[/url]
f8t3r
li3r666
[14:23] f8t3r: hey, check this out. How awesome would it be to make some cash off this?

[FlibbleDibble]

Take classes stop playing CoD4.

[Lithifold2]

Doesn't make sense, needs more information. It just seems like two random events that you wrote together. I mean, I kindof after thinking about it get that Obama rigged the elections and your main character is becoming an assassin? You need to remember that short stories aren't film, we need description.

Needs rewriting to something like:

John sighed and turned on his computer. As he sat in front of the flickering screens filled with the windows logo, he drummed his fingers impatiently. Boredom was the only comfort John had these days, as playing the stock market had become somewhat of a drudgery. Ah, thought John, as he turned to face his left monitor, futures down, NASDAQ down, my profits down. He sighed again, he seemed to be doing that a lot lately. He turned to his right monitor and noticed 5 people on a botnet. "Woohoo" he said silently to himself, and considered the possibility of ddos attacking McDonalds but eventually just said "Fuck it." John turned off his computer, and got in his car.

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"I'm telling you this is big!" exclaimed Nickoli, fervent with excitement, "all we gotta do is bet it all on this and we're guaranteed!"

Ivan looked at Nickoli, here we go again, thought Ivan, this happens everytime Nickoli gets one of his 'tips'.

"I don't know," sighed Ivan, "I've never heard of a prediction market before, how are you so sure Obama will win?" He looked across the dimly lit room to Nickoli, the light coming from the only working lamp illuminating only his face. This was meant to achieve an ominous air, but to Ivan only made Nickoli look like a floating head. Ivan smiled to himself, and snickered quietly when Nickoli wasn't looking.

"I have insider sources, telling me the machines are rigged for Obama." Ivan still didn't trust Nickoli, but he seemed so sure. Ivan had never betted on the assassination market before, let alone heard of it. As far as he understood it, you bet on the person you think is going to die before it happens, and then collect when they do.

"I still have my doubts, but I will do my own research and get back to you friend." Nickoli nodded, and left the room. Ivan turned to his computer, and loaded google. Ah google, Ivan mused to himself, is there nothing you cannot find. He hit the I'm feeling lucky button and copied as much information as he could find. He signed onto his favourite chat site.

f8t3r has signed on
li3r666 has signed on

[14:23] f8t3r: Hey, check this out. How awesome would it be to make some cash out of this?

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Then you'd go back to John, or introduce another character.

And yes I spend 40 minutes typing all that out off the top of my head. Heh.

[Sajeno]

Lithifold: fantastic!

Shemer: My only advice is punctuation, you have unnecessary commas, and a lack of full stops, etc.