The Journal of a Zombie Apocalypse - General

Here it is, my crappy story, just for you Facepunch! I posted it on another forum and all it did was get so-called "positive" feedback from noobs trying to raise their post count. So, I'm hoping as Facepunch is a more active community, that I'll get at least some useful feedback, and not just blathering about how good this crappy story is, just to raise your post count. Oh, and if anyone cares, which noone does, I'll continuously update this story. [B]The Journal of a Zombie Apocalypse[/B] Day 1: I’ve found some abandoned warehouse and it looks like the people died defending themselves. There’s blood in one of the supply closets, it’s a trail leading to a pool where there seems to have been a gruesome scene ending tragically. I’ll try and see if I can barricade the broken windows, if I were to judge, I’d say poorly made barricades led to their demise. Day 2: - Day 3: Sorry…Journal, I was extremely exhausted yesterday, the surviving barricades were so defectively made, I had to run across the street to the already somewhat depleted hardware store. I wasn’t bothered by any infected, or what most people call them, “zombies”. Really this is an overreaction, because any sign of cannibalism and laziness is related to zombies apparently. The “symptoms” of this disease are irrefutable rage, drowsiness, loss of coordination, and (I don’t really know if this is a symptom or not) cannibalism. So, basically, you have rage induced lazy ungainly people that like to eat other people. Back on subject, I’ve barricaded all but two windows, both of them separated by a room. I’ve moved one of the unfilled cabinets in front of the first window, and too drained to continue; I just went ahead and locked the door to the second window. Day 4: Nothing more than a discovery and finishing the work I had started yesterday. The discovery being an unfinished drainage and filtration system. The drainage part of the system is finished, but the filtration part, is, well, it looks like somebody got some sticks and overused a hot glue gun. I’ve gotten an excellent amount of supplies from the survival store (Wal-Mart) down the road, it was pretty well stocked up, but it’s always nice to have a backup plan. Day 5: I’ve decided to leave the safety of this “shelter”, to go down the road to the survival store and get some matches and maybe some more food because I don’t want to be caught without enough supplies for a traveling survivor or two, that reminds me, I need to start working on a sign to let them know the warehouse is safe. There are trees outside of it…maybe I should get an axe. Day 6: I’ve been hearing some distant fog horn sounds, I’m going to try not to go too far, but I’m going to “scout” ahead and see what it is. Day 6, entry 2: I didn’t even get 5 feet from the warehouse before I saw the massive horde of zombies around the department store. It seems as though that’s a distraction for them. Not only does this give me a sign or surviving life, but it gives me a sign of surviving intelligent life. I better start on that sign. Day 7: I’ve gotten an axe from the back room, along with some spades, and hoses, but I’m having a horrific time carving the letters for the sign. It’s a short axe with a rounded butt, and an annoying grip. It seems to have been used for a while before I got here. I might have to switch to paint, but I don’t really like the idea that it might get washed away if it rains. I’m started to get worried, I saw a few infected next to the hardware store across the street, they weren’t bothering me, but I’m terrified of what I’ll have to do to defend myself. All I know about them is that they seem to be more active during night or cold weather. It’s autumn now, I better get prepared. Day 8: The axe seems to be getting dull extremely rapidly, but I want to save my spade for when I actually will need it, maybe I’ll build a moat! Sometime later this week, I’m going to go and see if the survival store has anything worth “buying” for self-defense. To be honest, I haven’t even checked the firearm section. Day 9: Yes! I’ve finished the sign, hopefully it’s clear enough, it says “SAFE”, if they can’t figure it out, I’d most likely be better off. These journal entries seem to be getting smaller by the day. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but I think it’s starting to get boring…..or I’m getting lonely. Day 10: I’d rub it in my dad’s face right now if I could, he always said that those zombie games I played would never help and I wouldn’t make it a week in a real zombie apocalypse. Poor Dad. I’ve gotten some firearms from the survival store, and I took a saw from the hardware store. I had to do it hastily because there were about 10 zombies in there. The firearm, or I should say, firearms, are 2 pump-action shotguns, and a pistol, strangely I couldn’t find any kind of rifle. Of course, over all, I would have preferred a flamethrower. I’ve gotten about 300 rounds for pistol, and about 450 shells for the shotgun. Hopefully, I won’t have to use any, because between whoever is reading this and me, video games don’t help you shoot people. Day 11: First day I’ve been able to explore feeling safe. Thankfully, I didn’t have to shoot any rounds, because frankly, I haven’t even learned how to reload. I’ve learned the beyond that survival store is what seems to be the decaying ruins of a clothing store, I can’t even tell which one. As I went on, I discovered an overrun military “set-up”. Basically, it was a makeshift bunker made out of crudely shaped wood blocks and a great deal of sandbags. I decided I’d probably need the sandbags later, and seeing as I’d need to scavenge anything I could, I would have to come back with a backpack to carry them in. That was the least of my worries. I kept walking but didn’t find anything significant. On my way back, I looked at the clothing store, nothing seemed to be on fire or been damaged other than the front. Vigilantly, I had gone in the front, hoping to find some kind of cloth to make a temporary bag. I was surprised at how much clothing was left undamaged. I grabbed a few coats, thinking ahead to winter, and some sturdy-looking garments. I could probably find some scissors to cut the cloth, even if I found a sewing machine, I don’t think I should carry that all the way back, seeing as it’s getting dark, and I don’t want to be attacked by the “zombies”. Day 12: Haha! I’ve found some people around 6:00 PM after I went back to the clothing store today! I was walking along the (downtrodden, I may add) road and out of nowhere some people said something like “Are you a RAD, man?” They were hiding in a tremendously well-hidden…well…hideout, so it seemed. It sounded like a surfer, and I hadn’t exactly…taken a liking to surfers. Either way, I turned around almost the second I heard it. They could obviously tell I wasn’t a “RAD” because they took a sigh of relief, and asked what I was doing. With my ever-so-clever comebacks, I said “Exploring, sir.” Awkward silence. “Don’t have t’ call me sir, man.” Then he proceeded to walk out of the hideout, which I think was some kind of hot dog stand with a truckload of sandbags. It smelt like sand that was burning. After the surfer walked out, I heard a voice from the hot dog stand call out “What about sermons?” It sounded like a young woman. Probably about my age, actually. “Nothing, honey” said the surfer. Who’s that?” I asked. (I’m glad manners don’t matter in a zombie apocalypse) “M’ wife.” the surfer said. “Aren’t ‘cha ‘little young t’ hava’ gun?” I was so tempted to say “Isn’t your wife a little young?” but I knew that might ruin my chance with probably the only uninfected people I’ll see in a while. Instead, I said (I feel so rhymsy today) “Well, I ain’t gonna defend myself with my fists, now am I?” I said. “True, man.” We stopped talking for a bit, another awkward silence I guess, but he kept looking across the horizon for some reason. “Wait, what’s a RAD” I asked. Not exactly my best icebreaker. “Really Annoying Dudes, man. Its dos’ infec-ja-med.” At that point, I was praying to every God I knew of that the young girl was smart. “Okay, I’m done” said the girl hanging out of the stand. She had sandy hair with freckles and a scrunched forehead. Kind of like the surfer. “Oh, hey little boy! You wanna come eat with us?” Little? You’re 3 years older than me! “I made some vegetarian stew.” “Yeah! My favorite!” said the surfer. He’s a surfer AND he’s a vegetarian. Oh my god. “Actually, I have some food back at home; I’m sorry, don’t want to waste any. Are you guys staying here, by any chance?” I had asked. “Uhhh, yeah, fora’ few months, yeah.” said the surfer “Where you living anyway?” I told him then I showed him. I hope it wasn’t that hard for his brain. He asked if I had anything set up there, and I told him all the things I had setup, and the store surrounding my hideout. He says “He might com’ check e’ out.” Day 13: Potatoes, Potatoes, Potatoes! I was going outside for some fresh air, and I just all of a sudden wondered if there was a “back” to the warehouse. I went to the back and there were 3 potato gardens and (maybe the ones from the store?) 3 rifles! I cannot believe I could be this lucky! I love my curiosity. I’ll pick the potatoes out sooner or later, but right now I might as well go to the gardening store a few blocks out that the surfer told me about. Day 14: Today, I decided to put some extra barricading on the front of the warehouse and maybe a fence if these zombies have any intelligence. Bad idea, the second I hit the tree, the axe’s handle went into a splintering rage and nearly chopped my leg off as it flew back, I’ve only got a few cuts luckily, but that was to close for comfort and I’m out of an axe for now. I’ll keep the head of it..for..um..”Safekeeping”, might come in handy to throw at “something”. Day 15: This morning, around 7:00-8:00 am, I had woken up probably about 5 or 10 minutes before I heard a knock on the door. I almost literally did a back flip when I heard it because I was only about half-awake and I was yawning. The people outside must of heard the racket I made because a few seconds after I got up off the floor; they came bursting through the doors like a pack of wild animals. I think my Dad’s analogies are rubbing off on me. Anyway, it was the surfer and his wife, fulfilling their promise to come and check my warehouse out. I’d feel like I was on that show “Cribs” if my warehouse wasn’t almost completely empty. The first thing that was said came from the surfer saying “What ta’ heck ‘appened o’er here”. “Nothing, you just startled me.” I said. “Yeah, yeah, so ‘dis, uhh, drain-nage and felt-tation system, eh? What’s it do?” asked the surfer. “It’s over here in the corner, it’s only partially functional, but, the drainage of the water from the gutter and ground works, but it’s pretty much as bad as just drinking it from the source at this point, seeing as I don’t know how to make a working filter, I’m exploring the Wal-Mart down the road for parts and otherwise, but so far I’ve had no luck” I said. “Mhmm, Mhmm,” said the surfer with the utmost confusion “so, uhh, do you have any, like, barri’-codes ‘er somethin’?” “Uhh, yeah, I’ve set up a few just at the front window, I was going to make a fence for the two passage way to the back, but my axe broke when I tried to cut the trees, so I’m hoping the hardware store or Wal-Mart has some fences.” I said. “Does it still have a lot of supplies?” asked the surfer’s wife. “Yeah, it’s pretty well stocked up, this town was turning into a tourist attraction right before the disease hit, so that probably explains that much people and why it’s still stocked up, the hardware store, however, was used before me by the previous owner of the warehouse to barricade, and protect it, he did a very poor job, and wasted a lot of materials, so it’s almost out” I explained. “Mhmm” said the surfer “so, can we move our cart down here? Next to your warehouse?” “Yeah, sure, but do you have any supplies or food or guns or anything with you?”I asked optimistically. “I’ve got a M16A4, it’s a machine gun, man, it’s AWESOME!” said the surfer “and Lily’s got a fire axe, dude, it ain’t good for cuttin’ but awesome for choppin’! Not that, uhhh, she had to use it ‘er nothing.” “Well, awesome, I’ve got 2 shotguns, a pistol a 3 rifles in the back, I’m well supplied on ammo for the shotguns and pistol, don’t think I have any ammo for the rifles though.” I said. “Well that’s aight, we’ll move ‘er down ‘ere tommora’.” said the surfer. Day 16: I keep thinking I missing something in this whole thing. I can’t figure it out; it just feels like something is empty. It’s probably me, just finally realizing the seriousness of this whole ordeal. I’ve found some people, I’ve got protection, I have a shelter, and I have food. It’s just…empty. Day 17: The surfer, and Lily, his wife, somehow rolled the cart downhill without losing control of it, which I am partly happy for, gives me all the more supplies. When they finally rolled all the way down the hill, I was waiting for them at the door and we exchanged awkward greetings, and I asked them where they wanted to put it. “Ya got a back ta’ ‘dis..were-house” asked the surfer. “Oh, yeah, sure, you can park it next to the potato garden.” I said. “YA HAVE POTATOES!?” exclaimed the surfer as he pushed me out of the way running to the back. About a minute later, we heard a joyful scream, me and Lily were both laughing. I started walking to the garden, I didn’t know if Lily was following me or not, but as I got there she was right beside me. When we saw the surfer, he was on his knees, I think crying. “You’ll ‘ave to excuse him, Dave hasn’t seen any potatoes since we left home.” said Lily. Dave and Lily. It was pretty late when they got here. Around 7:00 pm. I thought it would be best to go ahead and show them their room. I went to bed after that. Day 18: I’ve found out the name of the 4 guns I have. Firstly, the 2 pump-action shotguns, which are the Benelli M1 semi-automactic shotgun, then the one pistol, which is an Italian gun, the Beratta Cheetah. The rifle, on the other hand, is a polish sniper rifle, called the Bor Rifle. It doesn’t seem to have a scope, and I still can’t find any ammunition for it. I feel better to know what I own and have a name for it. I found out what it was by reading a few books in the Wal-Mart store, I’m going to keep reading on about the functions (As in, how to reload, clean, repair, etc). Not much has happened today other than that discovery. Dave knows how to make good food with potatoes, so I’m glad for that, considering the food I have isn’t exactly…”fit for a king”, moreover fit for a beetle. Day 19: Dave and I were discussing some fun things to do, mostly to keep the morale up, and I brought up my potato cannon I made back in the 4th grade. Dave wasn't to keen to this idea at first, I suppose it's because I'd be wasting good potatoes, but I told him how it had broken my friend Kody's arm during an "accidental" misfire. He was pretty hyped at the idea of breaking zombies' faces, and said let's do it. The list of parts needed for the cannon are pretty commonly stocked up in hardware stores, although not the most ecstatically bought product, it's still pretty high in quantity. I've actually seen quite a few of those parts needed for the cannon. He said we would try and find the parts tomorrow as he would be swamped trying to help Lily with her cooking. Day 20: As I had expected, the hardware store has a plethora of the parts needed, probably enough for about 20 cannons or so. The things we needed were PVC pipes, RAID spray, matches, and some kind of heat powered air propeller...thing..either way it would work. Dave and I will set it up on the street, might even make some kind of sandbag barrier for it. We assembled it in about 3 hours, and we got it working about 15 or so mintues later. Considering the zombies were all still around the building with the fog horn distraction (Which turned out to be a raided McDonald's) and they were just scattering away from there, it would help for some..."long distance" aiming practice. Day 21: Lily finally made her potato soup she had been working on, according to Dave she has never really been able to work on it since the infection happened (I wonder why), but it was utterly amazing. I didn't even think you could make soup with potatoes, let alone good soup. Other than that, Dave and I had been practicing with the potato cannon again, we decided to stop early because the potatoes had been running out fast. I think I need to expand the potato garden. It never occurred to me, but the fence behind the warehouse isn't to sturdy, maybe Dave and I could tear that down and plant more potatoes. Day 22: Dave and I are going to start doing "patrols" around the neighborhood after we both expand the potato garden. What we are basically doing is looking for supplies or survivors. I still don't even know how the infection is spread, or if there is a way to treat someone, but then again if there were, everyone would be cured, right? I'm starting to get lonely, Lily and Dave aren't to much of company, most of the time is taken up by awkward silences more than talking. It looks like all I have is you, journal. I think I'll give you a name. Jacob... Jacob is a good name... Day 23: We had almost finished the garden expansion yesterday, until Dave thought it would be funny if he roundhouse kicked a a lone plank of wood down. He almost broke his foot, normally I would of laughed but he ended up kicking the plank of wood into my leg. That didn't hurt much, but I can't help but get the feeling my luck is going to run out and something terrible is going to happen. As of the accident, Dave thought it would be a good idea to do the patrol tomorrow. Day 24: I woke up to some crow's squawking in the distance. I didn't want to wake Dave because I saw blue light coming in-between the window's barricading, so I assumed it was dawn. It was about an hour before anyone got up, and it was Lily, when she got up, she went to the cart to get something (I was inside the hardware store, the zombies were still scattered around the distraction.) When she came out she was holding a bag, apparently it was heavy as she was holding it with both hands and her posture showed otherwise. I was curious, but I needed the supplies for the fences and maybe a few makeshift weapons if our guns jam or we run out of ammo, which I hope we shouldn't even need to use unless out of pure desperation. I was almost through grabbing all the supplies needed when I saw Lily come back outside, this time with a panicked expression on her face and running rather than walking. When she came out of the cart, she was carrying several bandages, looked like they were medical, and they were rather long as the loose one were fluttering behind as she ran. This really got to me, Dave's foot couldn't possibly be that bad. I packed up all the supplies and I dropped it silently outside the warehouse. I opened the door, trying to be a shadow in the dark, she hadn't turned on the lights, which were more or less a few candles so I guess you can't say "turned on". Either way, I walked into the corner, and by the time my eyes adjusted to the darkness I saw Lily hovering over Dave, I couldn't really tell but it looks like they were both shivering. She wasn't really paying attention to his foot, it looked like there was something wrong with his chest, or head. She was really frantic by the looks of it, she kept dropping things she got out of the bag, by the sound of it metal things, and she kept panting rather absurdly. It wasn't at a even pace, and she sounded like she was going to die. Or atleast had asthma. I decided I would exit the door again, and come back just loud enough to where she could hear me. I wasn't able to attempt it as she ran outside right when I thought about it, this time looking extremely frantic, as if she had just experienced someone dying... I hope this metaphor is wrong. I ran over to Dave to see what happened. His shoulder and neck had a large gouge in it, blood was almost everywhere, I even crouched in a pool of it. I ran away from Dave, expecting Lily to come back any second, my timing was adequate. She walked in as soon as I had reached my room. It was basically the same routine for about half an hour, then when she stopped Dave got up and hugged Lily. He mumbled a few indistinctive words, took off his shirt, and put a turtleneck on, covering up his entire wound. I was a bit shocked, but we continued the entire day as normal, I thought it best not to ask him about it.

It looks pretty good to me, the surfer's speech reflects his personality very well.

Full of cliches and overused plot devices.

[QUOTE=Quo Vadi;21596897]Full of cliches and overused plot devices.[/QUOTE] As in? Oh and for some reason, my fucking mind made me make the surfer similar to Ellis.

As in main character in a zombie apocalypse always coming up with bright or witty quips Surfer is a knuckledragging mouthbreathing retard etc, I could name a lot more

[QUOTE=Quo Vadi;21598243]As in main character in a zombie apocalypse always coming up with bright or witty quips Surfer is a knuckledragging mouthbreathing retard etc, I could name a lot more[/QUOTE] Witty. Witty? He isn't suppose to be witty. Argh, I think I need to change that. You'll come to know the surfer isn't a retard later in the story. Please name a few more, feels like an interview.

He's whimsical about the whole thing

[QUOTE=Quo Vadi;21598599]He's whimsical about the whole thing[/QUOTE] Yeah, I want to be in a zombie apocalypse all depressed. He is trying to keep his morale up. Trust me, this is addressed in the next few Days actually, I hold out the days until I feel I've written a good amount. For me, it feels like my writing style is going from High-School - Junior High School - Kindergarten As in, I think I'm writing less grammatically advanced with each day. Not that is was grammatically advanced in the first place >.>

Honestly, I like this. I don't really see what's wrong with it at all. I do have a question though; the boxes of ammo found in the back, was that for the rifles or just more ammo for weapons he already had? Because if it were for the rifles, in Day 15 you stated he had no ammo for them. But either way, I think you should continue this.

Could be more coherent and attention-grabbing.

[QUOTE=Mobius;21601159]Honestly, I like this. I don't really see what's wrong with it at all. I do have a question though; the boxes of ammo found in the back, was that for the rifles or just more ammo for weapons he already had? Because if it were for the rifles, in Day 15 you stated he had no ammo for them. But either way, I think you should continue this.[/QUOTE] Originally, it was just a potato garden but I edited it, and messed it up, I'll fix that now, thank you good sir. What's wrong with it btw, is that I made it :downs: [editline]05:12PM[/editline] Update, Day 16, 17, and 18 are added.

Please put more paragraphs in, the text walls that certain entries were made me actually unable to easily read them. I love it though!

Thank you for some criticism, but, well, I really don't know where to stop each paragraph, so I didn't put any in it, I'll try and fix it, but no promises.

Looking good. I like it.

Thank you. I won't be adding anything today because of school-related events (I type this in my spare time at school), so no updates.

Quite a lot of grammatical errors that make it very clunky to read, also it seems to move a little fast.

I'm not the best when it comes to grammar, thanks for the criticism. Would you mind pointing out some of the times, please?

I don't know what he means by the story moving fast, but its possible he's referring to some of the days' entries being fairly short. I myself though wouldn't necessarily mind; depending on the reasoning/events occuring, as you don't want to rush something very major that happened, for example an escape or a large battle. Pretty good so far though, so keep it up.

I know what he is talking about, I feel like I'm moving to fast with the journal entries, it's just like DAY RANDOM #: Yeah, well, I found this and that and something majorly important that could change the world NEXT DAY: Well, nothing happened today so I guess etc etc etc [editline]01:11AM[/editline] As in,(to me atleast)it's like my entries aren't coherent to each other or they don't respond to something that has happened before other than things you have to make sense with. And yes, I realize the surfer is always a day late, he is supposed to be. [editline]01:11AM[/editline] Oh wow, I didn't see Heroms post.

Cover Page: [img]http://i42.tinypic.com/r73ona.jpg[/img]

Whoa, nice. How did you make that? And here's something I just thought about; what's the main protagonist's name?

Ah, yes. We will see won't we?

Indeed we will.

[QUOTE=AshtonArdoin;21598726]Yeah, I want to be in a zombie apocalypse all depressed. He is trying to keep his morale up. Trust me, this is addressed in the next few Days actually, I hold out the days until I feel I've written a good amount. For me, it feels like my writing style is going from High-School - Junior High School - Kindergarten As in, I think I'm writing less grammatically advanced with each day. Not that is was grammatically advanced in the first place >.>[/QUOTE] Why do you randomly capitalise the first letter of some words?

this was a fucking pain to read 1. paragraphs 2. grammar and punctuation 3. flow and charm all nonexistant

Why thank you crai2. I do know that there were many run-on sentences and such, and the fact that I suck at making paragraphs, but flow and charm are related to your opinion. Looks like we have the same opinions.

Good.

Well, I don't mean to be rude, but: 1) No flow 2) Too many trite words ([b]gruesome[/b] scene ending [b]tragically[/b]) 3) Too many pronouns 4) Homogeneity in plot-line 5) Detached emotional state (the emotions don't really seem real to me) Otherwise, you're making good headway. You just need practice and guidance.

EvilMuffin is going to be my grammar editor since English isn't my first language and the fact that he is in a higher grade than me. [editline]06:55PM[/editline] [QUOTE=~ZOMG;21667247]Why do you randomly capitalise the first letter of some words?[/QUOTE] I don't know, I press shift to often most likely.

Meh, I didn't like it. Way overused plot devices, and the dialog was awful.. the surfer is a SURFER, NOT A REDNECK! From personal experience, 'surfers' sound nothing like that. I live on the New Jersey coast, and going to a school that's adjacent to the boardwalk/beach, I know what the 'surfer' diction sounds like. It's not nearly as pronounced as you're trying to make it. They would use words more along the lines of 'that's ill' to describe something awesome, 'bro' is not uncommonly used, and 'sick' or 'raw' describes something awesome as well. But don't overdo it, they don't sound retarded when they say it, most of them, believe it or not, sound like normal people. Rant over. Your story was uninteresting mainly because it didn't bring anything new or exciting to the table, it was literally an account of someone living during a zombie apocalypse. The emotions were made of plastic, the shit about his dad was just not even interesting.. "Day 16: I keep thinking I missing something in this whole thing. I can’t figure it out; it just feels like something is empty. It’s probably me, just finally realizing the seriousness of this whole ordeal. I’ve found some people, I’ve got protection, I have a shelter, and I have food. It’s just…empty." was somewhat interesting, however you didn't go anywhere with it. Beforehand it was even worse. Basically, I'm going to be honest I'd rewrite it, your copy right now is full of cliches, plot devices that are used more than an old hooker, and some incredibly and utterly horrible dialogue. If English isn't your primary language, however, good effort.