[b]This is my first attempt at creative writing. Feel free to criticize it mercilessly as you see fit.[/b]
[quote]-[i]DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH[/i]-
As the hot sun beat down, mosquitos buzzed, and the loud noise that comes common with any mine continued, only one thought came to young Nate's mind: "What the hell have I gotten myself into..."
Nate still remembered high school, and dropping out of it three years ago in his senior year. He was unwilling to continue putting up with the "bullshit", as he would describe it, of his instructors and peers, and left to a rather uncertain future. His parents had evicted him from the house after a mere two months of living with them, and he was homeless and hungry. He applied for work at almost all locations in the town, short of the bar. All of them were denied, for reasons including "poor work ethic", "no diploma", "criminal record", and interestingly of all, "You look the type that would just sit your ass on the seat in the break room and eat sandwiches all day. The exit is behind you." Then for the first time in his life, a company approached HIM for a job. He was given few details, and was asked only a handful of questions from the interviewer. "What were your grades in high school?", "Do you have a diploma?", "Do you have a criminal record?". Nate was compelled to answer honestly. His response also reflected on his attitude: "I got all F's, and I still don't care.", "No, I got tired of the bullshit so I dropped.", "I've been in bar fights before. I am on probation now." He was amazed, and rather suspicious, to hear that he qualified perfectly for the job. He was told to simply wait in a bench in the town square on March Twenty Ninth, and to be present at 3:00 PM sharp. Nate, willing to do anything short of murder to make a buck, and not wanting to miss out on what could be his only opportunity, complied. The interviewer herded him from the room with a single message: "See you there, and do. not. be. late." The twenty ninth came quickly, and so did 3:00 PM. However as he sat waiting on the bench, which was in a rather secluded part of the park, he felt a slight prick in his neck. He fell unconscious after 10 seconds.
Upon regaining consciousness, Nate examined his new environment. It was an all metal room. There was a back in forth motion that gave Nate the impression that he was on a boat. There was a single bunk, all metal, that he recently emerged from. There was also one sink and one toilet, and a single vent. Nate looked in smug amusement at the door, which has no handle, only a lock. It seemed even tinier then the cells back in prison. Nate then dismissed his entire job offer as an elaborate sting operation to get him back behind bars, for reasons unknown. He shouted loudly "THIS IS THE POOREST ASS EXCUSE FOR PRISON IVE EVER SEEN!", and promptly kicked the door after his statement. The door almost instantly opened to a man wearing a black suit and tie with a ski mask on his face, holding an odd device in his hand. It turned out to be a taser. After a shocking encounter with his guest, Nate got to his bunk and sat down, knowing that in order to have a happy ending, he would need to comply. The man's statement was perfectly clear:
"If you value your neck, you will stuff it right now. Your ass belongs to us now. You do as we say, and you will be richer than Bill Gates. Decide to be a smart ass, and you will wake up to two bullets in your skull with me holding a silenced pistol over you."
A loud buzzing sound rang out in the room. The man removed his mask, revealing himself to be the interviewer.
"My name is Wolf. Welcome to South Africa."
Wolf lead him out the cabin door, and onto the ship's desk. The ship resembled a cargo freighter, and Nate noticed heavily armed guards patrolling the deck, carrying M4A1's. Whoever these people were, they meant business. "So uh.. Wolf... What is the name of the company?" Wolf continued walking without even seeming to notice Nate. After 5 seconds came a reply: "Superius Genus". Nate now was kicking himself for not paying attention in Latin class. As they disembarked the freighter, Wolf spoke again: "You will be mining diamonds for us in this shithole over the next 6 months. We have medical centers in the likely chance you blow yourself up or cut your arm off, and the cafeteria is serving meals 3 times a day, every day. The place is 4 square miles of jungle, murky water, and tunnels, all guarded by your friendly neighborhood mercenaries we managed to hire back in the States." Nate was lead to a rather stuffy, humid cabin with workers already asleep. "This bunk is yours. Remember you play by our rules or get buried here in a rusty can, never to be spoken of again. When you are ready to do something productive for once in your life you can head on outside. The foreman will hook you up with your gear. Feel free to sleep now if you want, you don't know when you will be working night shifts. Have fun." Nate turned around, but Wolf was already long gone, walking away from the cabin with two other guards at his side.
Well, no turning back now.
-to be continued-[/quote]I know it might not be thread worthy now, but I am going to add on to it in a bit. Stay tuned.
Again, this is my first try at writing. I know that my work will start out terrible and over time MIGHT improve, but any input is appreciated.
I know that this is probably awful, but any criticism at this point would be greatly appreciated.
Since no one around here ever bothers to give criticism on writing, I'll go ahead and throw you a bone.
Personally, I thought the story was fairly interesting to an extent. I can tell that you're still trying to get a hang of writing in general and developing your own sort of stylistic tendencies. Note that I'm not the best writer nor am I really suited to critically analyze your work. Personally, I thought your story had great pacing, but the content itself is what sort of throws things off balance for me.
The story's pace is perfect for a short story, but the content gives me the impression that, or more so, the reader the impression that we're in for a long journey. Whenever I think of a short story, my general preconceived notion is a few pages and a sort of moral punchline at the end that highlights the flaws of the main character or gives an ironical twist through the overall story.
However, this story appears to be setup in a way that sounds like a really long adventure, which is not necessarily a bad thing. The pacing is excellent, you don't dwell on certain details or over describe certain scenery, and the main character, even with the minuscule glimpse I got of him through this excerpt, appears pretty well developed. There are little quirks and interesting tidbits I enjoy that you threw in there, as the detail reflects the thought that seemed to go into your work.
Overall, I do appreciate your style of writing, the pacing, and the general idea so far. My only gripe is that this story doesn't appear to follow the normal blueprint or schema that most short stories present. I haven't read enough of the story or know enough in order to completely conclude on this, but I guess I'll find out eventually if you ever get around to updating this. Nice work.
[QUOTE=RiceWarrior;34968472]Since no one around here ever bothers to give criticism on writing, I'll go ahead and throw you a bone.
Personally, I thought the story was fairly interesting to an extent. I can tell that you're still trying to get a hang of writing in general and developing your own sort of stylistic tendencies. Note that I'm not the best writer nor am I really suited to critically analyze your work. Personally, I thought your story had great pacing, but the content itself is what sort of throws things off balance for me.
The story's pace is perfect for a short story, but the content gives me the impression that, or more so, the reader the impression that we're in for a long journey. Whenever I think of a short story, my general preconceived notion is a few pages and a sort of moral punchline at the end that highlights the flaws of the main character or gives an ironical twist through the overall story.
However, this story appears to be setup in a way that sounds like a really long adventure, which is not necessarily a bad thing. The pacing is excellent, you don't dwell on certain details or over describe certain scenery, and the main character, even with the minuscule glimpse I got of him through this excerpt, appears pretty well developed. There are little quirks and interesting tidbits I enjoy that you threw in there, as the detail reflects the thought that seemed to go into your work.
Overall, I do appreciate your style of writing, the pacing, and the general idea so far. My only gripe is that this story doesn't appear to follow the normal blueprint or schema that most short stories present. I haven't read enough of the story or know enough in order to completely conclude on this, but I guess I'll find out eventually if you ever get around to updating this. Nice work.[/QUOTE]
Thanks! I am thinking of just writing it in first person now. Third person just sounds so awkward that it makes me want to kill an orphan with a spoon.
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