Freedom, Unity, Seal: The Hunt for an Irish Star (A Short Story) - General

This is my first short story. Took me two days to write. I'm really suffering from infatuation and I wrote this so I don't have to do it for real. Enjoy! No bullshit comments, like "If you like her, why kill her?" Link: [URL]https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uB1G1KLPXs3exoz8GzTCmztv70apzuvcpIaOH5MlY-8/edit?hl=en&authkey=CLDxj6YE[/URL]

Dude what.

I dont like how you name the guns, it makes it sound like some 13 year old wrote a fictional war story... EDIT: I can also add that if your are going to use the name off the guns, add more adjectives...

[QUOTE=JimmyRobot;29269499]I dont like how you name the guns, it makes it sound like some 13 year old wrote a fictional war story...[/QUOTE] How the hell could that be?

It does sound like a 13 year old wrote a fictional war story.

"After a couple of months of researching, I [b]came[/b] to the conclusion that I [b]am[/b] going to need professional help." Simple grammar needs checking. "I [b]had[/b] a saving account that [b]is[/b] so fucking minted, inheritance. So, I [b]used[/b] that." Grr, again? "The man who will be training me will be having the cliché sign with my name written on it in the lobby. After scanning the lobby for the bloke who I paid in advance for his share of killing-crafts, I saw him with a sign with my name on it." You know, I'm gonna give up highlighting the parts that are wrong. Your entire 3rd chapter needs rewriting and the 2nd chapter just breaks everything that makes a short story worth the read. This is one shit story. Your construction is horrible, your grammar is horrible and the execution of your concept is generally lacking an sense of importance. You have no idea where you wanted to take this and so you sort of spread yourself around the entire story, completely killing off the concept you want to pull through.

[QUOTE=Kagrs;29274355]"After a couple of months of researching, I [B]came[/B] to the conclusion that I [B]am[/B] going to need professional help." Simple grammar needs checking. "I [B]had[/B] a saving account that [B]is[/B] so fucking minted, inheritance. So, I [B]used[/B] that." Grr, again? "The man who will be training me will be having the cliché sign with my name written on it in the lobby. After scanning the lobby for the bloke who I paid in advance for his share of killing-crafts, I saw him with a sign with my name on it." You know, I'm gonna give up highlighting the parts that are wrong. Your entire 3rd chapter needs rewriting and the 2nd chapter just breaks everything that makes a short story worth the read. This is one shit story. Your construction is horrible, your grammar is horrible and the execution of your concept is generally lacking an sense of importance. You have no idea where you wanted to take this and so you sort of spread yourself around the entire story, completely killing off the concept you want to pull through.[/QUOTE] Thanks, for explaining. Unlike the [I]others[/I], who commented without explaining shit. Yes, I just noticed that I did wrote it and ended it pretty quickly. I posted it without actually reviewing it.

[quote] I'm really [b]suffering from infatuation[/b] and I wrote this so I don't have to [b]do it for real[/b]. [/quote] Dude wat.

Review your work for goodness sake and take the other people's advice too. Your work [b]does[/b] appear to be from some teenager's "I'M SO COOL LOOK AT THIS GUN - HEY I CAN BE DEEP TOO" point of view. If you want to post a thread with your work in it you need to show us your very best work. Otherwise we can't point out your high and your lows and we'll simply focus on letting you know about the obvious mistakes you've made. That's a problem because you don't gain anything from being told what you might already know, and we as readers won't see any improvement. [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saoirse_Ronan]And why the fuck base a murder fantasy story over a real person? Dude what.[/url]

To be honest, this just some crazy stupid shit I been thinking of, and posting this suddenly made me realized and sticking it into my mind on how fucking stupid it really is. It helped clear my mind on one thing. It's one of those I-need-to-get-it-off-my-chest things.

Off your chest. The phrase is "I need to get this off my chest"...

You have a lot of grammatical/conventional errors, and I hope you aren't actually crazy and you're just writing on something different. Still, not the worst story I've ever read, you just need to practice more and start ironing out your style, keep working on it.