Hi there, KorJax here bringing you your monthly pretentious article from an outside blog or forum that some might appreciate.
Anyways, I was browsing the net one day and came across this forum post that really spoke to me in a way I can relate to strong enough for me to book mark it. It's essentually about what in her experience is important in being married to someone versus what isn't important in a such a relationship:
[release] Voice of Experience
Hi all,
I'm an old fart compared to most of you and have been married 3 times, so I can tell you from my POV what is not important, even though I thought it was when I was your age and first got married at age 23, and what really IS important, from the POV of what has made my current 25 year long marriage so good. These are just my opinions, so you can take what you want and leave the rest. I am not a romantic. I have what shrinks call an "extreme realist personality type".
Some of this may shock you. It would have shocked me at your age, but maybe you are all a lot more savvy than I was. Having the same political beliefs is not important. Having the same hobbies and free time activities is not important. Looks are only important in that you should not be with someone who has a physical charcteristic that really turns you off. We all end up looking like shriveled, gray old prunes in the end, so if you want it to last, don't make this such a big deal. At your age, sexual compatibility as far as sexual style and frequency is very important, but that will fade to zilch with age and hormones, and other, more mature societies understand these stages of life. Sex is the lowest form of intimacy, not the highest. It is the carrot dangled in front of you to get you to put up with someone long enough to start developing REAL intimacy. Shallow Americans don't get this and try to stay 20 forever. Viva Viagra (not).
IMO, very few people should get married before age 25. Why? The brain of a 20 year old is closer to the brain of a 5 year old than to the brain of a 25 year old! I remember being 20 and thinking I knew everything. By age 30 I realized I didn't know a damn thing. The brain stops changing significantly around age 25. You don't really know who you are before that and are busy finding out by experimenting on other people, with sometimes painful results.
What does matter. Number one is absolutely common values, with lifestyle a close second. If you love family time, it won't work to marry someone who is not close to family. A slob and a neatnik will be at each other constantly. An athiest will not be happy with a believer. An extrovert will not be happy with an introvert. People who think intuition is "woo-woo" will not be happy with an INFJ!
How you handle money is super important. A spendthrift and a tightwad should not waste their time. It will never work. Ditto for someone who wants kids and someone who doesn't. I'm amazed how many people I see not even talking about these things before getting married. Different religions can be problematic, esp. if your parents are rigid. Americans like to pretend we have no economic classes, but it's not true, and it matters, a lot. Unless you are a gold-digger, willing to sell your soul for money, and I would be surprised to find an INFJ who would do that, unless he or she is a sociopath, marrying into a very different economic class from the one you grew up in can cause major problems. Take it from one who found out the hard way. Just try splitting payment of household bills 50/50 when your idea of a needless luxury is his idea of a basic need.
Don't marry someone you can't talk to on your level. This will make you feel lonelier than being single. If you are smart, stick with smart, even if he or she can't be manipulated into doing what you want all the time because of it (grin).
If you are emotional and sensitive, don't try to make up for your vulnerable feelings in this hard, cold world by marrying the opposite type. Again, I speak from experience. You will never feel more alone than when you are crying your eyes out after a sad movie, and he says "it's only a movie for chrissakes, what is the matter with you?" It is far better to have a man who cries along with you. You will feel understood at the deepest level.
Every study ever done shows the more alike you are, the better your chances of staying married. Opposites may attract and be much more exciting when you're young and playing around, but they take way too much energy and cause way too many arguments when you are older and have work, and a house and kids to take care of.
Once you decide you are ready to play for keeps, don't waste any more time on someone, once you know for sure you would not marry that person. Cut your losses and open up that space in your life for the right type to come in. I really wish someone had told me this when I was your age.
I hope I didn't come off like too much of a lecturing parent type. It just makes me sad to see others run out of emotional resilience at a young age like I did. I probably could have summed this up in one sentence. My current marriage has worked for 25 yrs. because I married someone almost exactly like me.
klutzo [/release]
From: [url]http://forums.infjs.com/showpost.php?p=300726&postcount=25[/url]
Any thoughts on this? I can definatly relate to the interests not being important thing. My ex had every uncommon interest with me under the sun, and yet our downfall in the relationship was simply his attitude toward other people and his emotionally immature values not syncing up with my own values at all.
This type of stuff probably isn't of interest to some people, especially the younger users here, but as someone who likes to play for keeps in relationships and values deeper human contact I found the post to be very insightful.
A happy marriage is when you and your spouse don't fully agree on everything and work on a compromise. Betterment of two people :buddy:
I think the best marriage is one that doesn't exist. If you want the legal rights get a civil union, but these expectations that come with traditional marriage (exclusivity, obedience, so forth) are horseshit and have no place in 2011.
I'd rather have a close friend who is free to come and go as they please than a spouse who feels obligated to stay with me no matter how unhappy they may find themselves in the future.
[QUOTE=Zeke129;27877817]I think the best marriage is one that doesn't exist. If you want the legal rights get a civil union, but these expectations that come with traditional marriage (exclusivity, obedience, so forth) are horseshit and have no place in 2011.
I'd rather have a close friend who is free to come and go as they please than a spouse who feels obligated to stay with me no matter how unhappy they may find themselves in the future.[/QUOTE]
It's not whether it is the best marriage - it's whether the marriage is happy or not. On that note, I agree with BANNED USER.
You let her do whatever the fuck she wants but let her know your strong opinions on whatever it is she's doing. If she feels guilty and doesn't do the bad shit, she's a keeper.
Girls usually want to please the guys and it's a good idea for the guys to return a favor. ;)
[editline]5th February 2011[/editline]
[QUOTE=BANNED USER;27877438]A happy marriage is when you and your spouse don't fully agree on everything and work on a compromise. Betterment of two people :buddy:[/QUOTE]
I would never marry Banned User (Strelok) if I were a girl. :v:
[QUOTE=Miskatonic;27877843]You let her do whatever the fuck she wants but let her know your strong opinions on whatever it is she's doing. If she feels guilty and doesn't do the bad shit, she's a keeper.
Girls usually want to please the guys and it's a good idea for the guys to return a favor. ;)
[editline]5th February 2011[/editline]
I would never marry Banned User (Strelok) if I were a girl. :v:[/QUOTE]
I wouldn't marry myself either, I'm an absolute disaster. v:v:v
Marry a young slut with lots of money regardless of how similar you are.
[QUOTE=Zeke129;27877817]I think the best marriage is one that doesn't exist. If you want the legal rights get a civil union, but these expectations that come with traditional marriage (exclusivity, obedience, so forth) are horseshit and have no place in 2011.
I'd rather have a close friend who is free to come and go as they please than a spouse who feels obligated to stay with me no matter how unhappy they may find themselves in the future.[/QUOTE]
you're really fucking weird
handjobs
[QUOTE=Zeke129;27877817]I think the best marriage is one that doesn't exist. If you want the legal rights get a civil union, but these expectations that come with traditional marriage (exclusivity, obedience, so forth) are horseshit and have no place in 2011.
I'd rather have a close friend who is free to come and go as they please than a spouse who feels obligated to stay with me no matter how unhappy they may find themselves in the future.[/QUOTE]
says the boy who can't get any girls
I would go insane if I married someone like myself.
[editline]5th February 2011[/editline]
[QUOTE=Zeke129;27877817]I think the best marriage is one that doesn't exist. If you want the legal rights get a civil union, but these expectations that come with traditional marriage (exclusivity, obedience, so forth) are horseshit and have no place in 2011.
I'd rather have a close friend who is free to come and go as they please than a spouse who feels obligated to stay with me no matter how unhappy they may find themselves in the future.[/QUOTE]
That's what I would like, but I also think it's pretty close minded for you to say that your way is the only way.
[QUOTE=Zeke129;27877817]I think the best marriage is one that doesn't exist. If you want the legal rights get a civil union, but these expectations that come with traditional marriage (exclusivity, obedience, so forth) are horseshit and have no place in 2011.
I'd rather have a close friend who is free to come and go as they please than a spouse who feels obligated to stay with me no matter how unhappy they may find themselves in the future.[/QUOTE]
[quote]exclusivity[/quote]
[quote]horseshit[/quote]
I see a world without marital exclusivity as bad, I don't know about you
I used to identify as a liberal, but these days it just seems like liberal has all these "fucking do ANYTHING" mentalities. I'm not so sure anymore
In fact, I've recently found myself agreeing with conservatives on many subjects
-Marriage
-Happy
pick one
Don't worry Zeke, in communist utopia man can have many women and many vodka.
[QUOTE=Zeke129;27877817]I think the best marriage is one that doesn't exist. If you want the legal rights get a civil union, but these expectations that come with traditional marriage (exclusivity, obedience, so forth) are horseshit and have no place in 2011.
I'd rather have a close friend who is free to come and go as they please than a spouse who feels obligated to stay with me no matter how unhappy they may find themselves in the future.[/QUOTE]So like Gene Simmons?
lol is op gay lol??
[editline]6th February 2011[/editline]
cant b a girl xxx
[QUOTE=Zeke129;27877817]I think the best marriage is one that doesn't exist. If you want the legal rights get a civil union, but these expectations that come with traditional marriage (exclusivity, obedience, so forth) are horseshit and have no place in 2011.
I'd rather have a close friend who is free to come and go as they please than a spouse who feels obligated to stay with me no matter how unhappy they may find themselves in the future.[/QUOTE]
Zeke when did you go from cool and witty to being dumb like this, honestly what happened to you
And the best marriage is the one that when both of you wake up, you don't want to see each other. But as the day goes on, you grow closer.
[QUOTE=Zeke129;27877817]I think the best marriage is one that doesn't exist. If you want the legal rights get a civil union, but these expectations that come with traditional marriage (exclusivity, obedience, so forth) are horseshit and have no place in 2011.
I'd rather have a close friend who is free to come and go as they please than a spouse who feels obligated to stay with me no matter how unhappy they may find themselves in the future.[/QUOTE]
To be honest I agree with you to a certain degree. But we ARE able to come and go as we please, it's called divorce and being smart enough to get a prenup.
Honestly, I wouldn't know the idea of a good marriage, as I haven't really been in any relationship of a meaningful length or purpose.
[QUOTE=Zeke129;27877817][B]I'd rather have a close friend who is free to come and go as they please[/B][/QUOTE]
That's how the idea of marriages were formed, son.
[QUOTE=M24;27881830]says the boy who can't get any girls[/QUOTE]
You do realize he is gay?
[QUOTE=M24;27881830]says the boy who can't get any girls[/QUOTE]
he's gay
but i like the differences
i don't want someone like myself, i suck
[QUOTE=BANNED USER;27877438]A happy marriage is when you and your spouse don't fully agree on everything and work on a compromise. Betterment of two people :buddy:[/QUOTE]
Lol one of my Dad's sayings is "no compromise." He's been married to my mom over almost 20 years now. Although sometimes I'm not sure how much longer it'll last...
When you both love each other very much and enjoy each others company :3:
Stupid humanity. Love is just another scheme used by our instincts to promote procreation.
man I'll just wait till cloning comes out and marry myself
wait is that gay
[QUOTE=Levithan;27896493]man I'll just wait till cloning comes out and marry myself
wait is that gay[/QUOTE]
Not with a little genetic engineering.
[editline]6th February 2011[/editline]
Or a sex change operation, whatever floats your boat.
Really good quote in the OP. It touched on a lot of things present in my friends' relationships that they moan about when they don't work out and have no idea why not.
Quote from JB:
[quote]ive ben maried five times wit a boy[/quote]
Happy marriage is an oxymoron
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