• Haven
    5 replies, posted
[Got an idea few weeks ago, so far it's been working out quite well. Just tell me what you guy's think. I'll add more as I go along.] Diary of Terry Revot Day ??? "I hear explosions everywhere. The ground above...it...it isn't safe. Not anymore. I'm underground with some friends. We manged to seal everything off, and we have enough food and water down here for a while. I've lost all track of time since we became subterranean. I don't know how long we've been down here...or anything else. Maria says the baby is due soon. If only it wasn't...I don't want to raise a child down...here. But if I need to make a...haven for him; so be it." Diary of Hector Revot Day 500 "Some old fool's been down in the town center. He get's up and goes on saying that topside is safe. Tsk, topside safe indeed....my father DIED so Haven could be safe. He left my mother alone to raise me, and then she dies a few years later. In truth, all I can even remember about him is that I have his black hair and blue eyes. He even took the time to get us far enough from the old mine shafts that we could build a city...I'm getting off point. I'll have to wait for now. Just...wait....and watch..." Diary of Redford Jameson Day 500 "I was down in the town center today. I gave everyone the same speech I've been giving for the past year. Only now, it seems that ol' Hector has been spotting his eyes on me. Heh-heh...nothing like upsetting the leaders...takes me back to my days when I was topside. But no...people need to wake up. We've been living underground for...I don't know how long now. If a nuke truly HAD gone off topside, all of Haven would be dead. The aquifer's would be gone, the animals would be dying....they just need to face facts. I should call it a night, I still have to plan a speech for the next time I visit the center." [It's a countdown of days.]
Make it more original that LOL NUKE GOES OFF EVERYONE GOES IN A VAULT. Otherwise there's some good stuff here.
[QUOTE=DainBramageStudios;23389686]Make it more original that LOL NUKE GOES OFF EVERYONE GOES IN A VAULT. Otherwise there's some good stuff here.[/QUOTE]It's not so much a vault as an underground society. Plus, the proof begins to gather whether or not there was a nuke, plus I have a plot twist idea that seems generic as well but...I'm going for a sort of Andrew Ryan and Atlas civil war though. [sp]I think that at the end, when Redford leaves he either finds: Society has begun again; There is nothing out there but death; it turns out there were no bombs. It was all a test by the all mighty government to see what limits people could be pushed to. Nothing special but...[/sp]
[QUOTE=Jad Hinto;23390331]It's not so much a vault as an underground society. Plus, the proof begins to gather whether or not there was a nuke, plus I have a plot twist idea that seems generic as well but...I'm going for a sort of Andrew Ryan and Atlas civil war though. [sp]I think that at the end, when Redford leaves he either finds: Society has begun again; There is nothing out there but death; it turns out there were no bombs. It was all a test by the all mighty government to see what limits people could be pushed to. Nothing special but...[/sp][/QUOTE] Cliché, cliché, cliché, I seen a few of those in episodes from Twilight Zone. Just find something compeling... something worth the read to continue. A good choice is to make it about the characters, instead of the apocalypse. But I like the setup you got here, telling the same story with 3 views... that's cool!
You rely on ellipses entirely too much. They can be occasionally used to denote a short pause or to build suspension, but overuse simply distracts, and in a diary they seem entirely unnatural. Additionally, your diary entries lack character and substance. Rather than trying to put across a lot of information in as short an entry as possible, realize that YOU'RE not writing this diary, Hector Revot is (Or Redford Jameson, or whoever). Diaries are much more than event logs, a diary is the window to a person's very soul-- his thoughts, hopes, dreams, and everything he's not brave enough to say to the rest of the world. Build your characters through their diary entries by having them focus their feelings, thoughts, experiences, or whatever until your character has exhausted his opinion on the matter. And remember, each person is different. To make your characters as believable as possible, their opinions must not be the only thing different-- their entire style of thinking, writing, and expressing themselves must be!
[QUOTE=topic10;23390543]Cliché, cliché, cliché, I seen a few of those in episodes from Twilight Zone. Just find something compelling... something worth the read to continue. A good choice is to make it about the characters, instead of the apocalypse. But I like the setup you got here, telling the same story with 3 views... that's cool![/QUOTE]Well no, it's only two for now. But once I introduce Nick, his wife Lucy for a bit, and some other sub characters and main character's there will be more diary's from each point. And it isn't mostly about the apocalypse . It in it's entirety truly focuses on Haven it's self [QUOTE=Big Dumb American;23390599]You rely on ellipses entirely too much. They can be occasionally used to denote a short pause or to build suspension, but overuse simply distracts, and in a diary they seem entirely unnatural. Additionally, your diary entries lack character and substance. Rather than trying to put across a lot of information in as short an entry as possible, realize that YOU'RE not writing this diary, Hector Revot is (Or Redford Jameson, or whoever). Diaries are much more than event logs, a diary is the window to a person's very soul-- his thoughts, hopes, dreams, and everything he's not brave enough to say to the rest of the world. Build your characters through their diary entries by having them focus their feelings, thoughts, experiences, or whatever until your character has exhausted his opinion on the matter. And remember, each person is different. To make your characters as believable as possible, their opinions must not be the only thing different-- their entire style of thinking, writing, and expressing themselves must be![/QUOTE]I'm trying to go for that so far. I mean, I try to get a feel for the person when I write as them. I always made up Redford to be that old war hero type but I need to build more on that, while Hector was more formal. And yeah, I'll try to make it more voice-y. Thanks for the advice.
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