Hey guys, a friend of mine wants to start writing seriously and he gave this to me to review. It was so amazing I decided I had to share it with you guys. Here it is, in it's full unedited glory.
[quote]Cecil had just woken up. The sound of rooster still echoed in the fields of the neighboring farms. He slowly got out of bed and peered out the window. The view was quite boring. It was simply a large set of grass land. Past that was a mountain, probably about 30 feet high. Cecil would occasionally climb up this hill to get a view of what was around him and relax. On the peak was an old oak tree. He had carved so many things into that tree. It was more like a monument to him than anything. He turned around when we was done looking and went to get ready for school.
Cecil finally got downstairs when he noticed a note on the fridge. It read: “I’ll be out late tonight so take care of yourself while I’m gone. There’s money under the toaster if you need it. –Love, Mom” Cecil ripped the note off of the refrigerator, crumpled it up, and threw it into the trash. He went over to the toaster and took the money. It was only fifty bucks, not enough to get anything he wanted, but he supposed he could get pizza later. Cecil looked at the clock and realized he would be late if he didn’t hurry up. He grabbed his bag and the cold jelly toast left on the counter and ran out the door.
On the walk to school, Cecil realized just how quiet Nebraska was. To his left he saw his neighbor’s farm, the cows mooing and the roosters crowing. However, something he found interesting was that there was a pair of a cow and a rooster that was peculiar. The rooster was sitting on top of the cow, and both of the animal stared at his as he walked by the picket fence separating the pasture and the sidewalk. To his right, he saw nothing be wheat; miles and miles of wheat. So much, in fact, it could probably fill and entire Viking hoard for three months. Cecil pondered on this for a bit and then his though process changed a bit. He wondered to himself: “what’s in that wheat field? What lies beyond the yellow thin straws, waving back and forth at him?” But these thought would have to wait, his school was right around the block.[/quote]
Keep in mind this is not finished and it [i]is[/i] a serious attempt. If you're hooked and can't wait for more, I'm sure he'll be writing many more enthralling tales once he gets his book deal.
Gold.
Seems like an interesting start. I'd like to see where it goes!
Suddenly cocks, everywhere!
It seems kind of plain and boring to me, and I can't really explain why.
Maybe I just don't read enough nowadays
[QUOTE=salmonmarine;34904439]It seems kind of plain and boring to me, and I can't really explain why.
Maybe I just don't read enough nowadays[/QUOTE]
Hmm. It seems fantastic to me. Maybe you didn't read it all the way through? Honestly the emotional climax for me was when he thought, "what’s in that wheat field? What lies beyond the yellow thin straws, waving back and forth at him?"
He's describing so much for no reason. And everything gets described in short full-stop sentences. 'The grass is green. This is that. Here lies something. He did that.'
It's so moving and emotional. Only an idiot would refuse to publish this.
So his mom leaves him a whole $50 and he complains about it not being enough? Spoiled bastard...
Why did he run out of the door in a rush if he is just going to walk the rest of the way while fantasising about wheat and vikings?
[QUOTE=squids_eye;34915786]Why did he run out of the door in a rush if he is just going to walk the rest of the way while fantasising about wheat and vikings?[/QUOTE]
Well duh, he was obviously in a rush to take a walk while fantasising about wheat and vikings!
[QUOTE=Run&Gun12;34915336]So his mom leaves him a whole $50 and he complains about it not being enough? Spoiled bastard...[/QUOTE]
not enough for cocaine obv
Wow. This is a truly inspired story. It has done so much for me that I felt the need to animate it for a class project. Please enjoy the animation.
[video=youtube;zCqExHvqcGA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCqExHvqcGA[/video]
This is exactly how I pictured the story going.
The progress of the story is quite hasty in my opinion.
[QUOTE=Schmoe222;34904070]Cecil had just woken up. The sound of rooster still echoed in the fields of the neighboring farms. He slowly got out of bed and peered out the window. The view was quite boring. It was simply a large set of grass land. Past that was a mountain, probably about 30 feet high. Cecil would occasionally climb up this hill to get a view of what was around him and relax. On the peak was an old oak tree. He had carved so many things into that tree. It was more like a monument to him than anything. He turned around when we was done looking and went to get ready for school.
Cecil finally got downstairs when he noticed a note on the fridge. It read: “I’ll be out late tonight so take care of yourself while I’m gone. There’s money under the toaster if you need it. –Love, Mom” Cecil ripped the note off of the refrigerator, crumpled it up, and threw it into the trash. He went over to the toaster and took the money. It was only fifty bucks, not enough to get anything he wanted, but he supposed he could get pizza later. Cecil looked at the clock and realized he would be late if he didn’t hurry up. He grabbed his bag and the cold jelly toast left on the counter and ran out the door.
On the walk to school, Cecil realized just how quiet Nebraska was. To his left he saw his neighbor’s farm, the cows mooing and the roosters crowing. However, something he found interesting was that there was a pair of a cow and a rooster that was peculiar. The rooster was sitting on top of the cow, and both of the animal stared at his as he walked by the picket fence separating the pasture and the sidewalk. To his right, he saw nothing be wheat; miles and miles of wheat. So much, in fact, it could probably fill and entire Viking hoard for three months. Cecil pondered on this for a bit and then his though process changed a bit. He wondered to himself: “what’s in that wheat field? What lies beyond the yellow thin straws, waving back and forth at him?” But these thought would have to wait, his school was right around the block.[/QUOTE]
I don't get what is so "genius" about it. It is plain and generic. If by genius, you mean well-written amongst your peers, then yes, it is genius.
The setting is boring, and I must say that is a plus because it seems the intention was for the scenery to be boring. The oak tree lacks detail (not only just what is carved, but also the appearance of the tree, something to give it more significance), it's just there. Tell him not to use the word [I]bucks[/I] if he really is serious; it is colloquial and unsightly. The second paragraph feels like a filler; it's just there to take up space; there's no vivid description, meaning or purpose, it's simply there. In the third paragraph, there are typos and grammatical errors (which again, I won't point out). It is also bland, failing to create points of interest if that was to be intended.
[quote]Hmm. It seems fantastic to me. Maybe you didn't read it all the way through? Honestly the emotional climax for me was when he thought, "what’s in that wheat field? What lies beyond the yellow thin straws, waving back and forth at him?"[/quote]
[I]“what’s in that wheat field? What lies beyond the yellow thin straws, waving back and forth at him?”[/I] - What emotional climax? You can't have an emotional climax from thin air; the only detail we know about anything from this story is that there is a guy named Cecil and that he has carved things on to a tree. There is no build up of any sort, it's just random dialogue from a stranger.
Overall, the description is bland (if it was intentional, good on him) and the story was a tedious read. There is no problem about there being too much description (if it was suppose to be descriptive, I must say that it is actually lacking description)
So many conceptual and grammatical mistakes.
"It was simply a large set of grass land."
This just sounds weird. Omission of the word 'simply' would make it flow better, but then it's too short a sentence.
"what’s in that wheat field? What lies beyond the yellow thin straws, waving back and forth at him?"
Nobody ever lists a color before a physical descriptor in professional writing; it doesn't sound proper.
Overall, hardly genius, or really worth anyone's time at all.
[QUOTE=Oblivious1;35187927]I don't get what is so "genius" about it. It is plain and generic. If by genius, you mean well-written amongst your peers, then yes, it is genius.
The setting is boring, and I must say that is a plus because it seems the intention was for the scenery to be boring. The oak tree lacks detail (not only just what is carved, but also the appearance of the tree, something to give it more significance), it's just there. Tell him not to use the word [I]bucks[/I] if he really is serious; it is colloquial and unsightly. The second paragraph feels like a filler; it's just there to take up space; there's no vivid description, meaning or purpose, it's simply there. In the third paragraph, there are typos and grammatical errors (which again, I won't point out). It is also bland, failing to create points of interest if that was to be intended.
[I]“what’s in that wheat field? What lies beyond the yellow thin straws, waving back and forth at him?”[/I] - What emotional climax? You can't have an emotional climax from thin air; the only detail we know about anything from this story is that there is a guy named Cecil and that he has carved things on to a tree. There is no build up of any sort, it's just random dialogue from a stranger.
Overall, the description is bland (if it was intentional, good on him) and the story was a tedious read. There is no problem about there being too much description (if it was suppose to be descriptive, I must say that it is actually lacking description)[/QUOTE]
You don't understand sarcasm.
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