My grandpa shouldn't be allowed to email

[Nyaos]

[b]But wait, there's more! Check below for more laughable emails from my Grandpa Bob![/b]

This is the kind of stuff he sends me every day.
[quote]
Come 2012..............I am voting for him!!!!!!!!!

Bill Cosby has a great way of "distilling" things. Looks like he's done it again!

AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1). Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here!

(3).. When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6). Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7). Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life.

(8). Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9).. One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10). All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause.

(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12). The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes ...... nevertheless......

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Sincerely, Bill Cosby

Please forward this to everyone you know, no matter which side of the fence they're on.

[/quote]

Of course it comes with huge bright letters and terrible comic-sans. Everything he sends me is slightly racist.

Also noteworthy, he bought a $3,000 Dell XPS because the guy at Best Buy told him it'd be the fastest. Oh Grandpa...

Here is another one he sent me the other day.

[quote]
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E. R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

[img]http://lighthousepatriotjournal.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/border-patrol-patch.jpg[/img]

It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.
[/quote]

Added the image because it was an attachment in the email. Oh slightly-racist but lovable grandpa.

Another one this morning:
[quote]Tiny Cabin

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of KY and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.. "Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker..

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling all our
financial, educational and medical dilemmas?[/quote]

Another one:

[quote]Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their

bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork

stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying,"

said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you

not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the

first Arab.

"It is permanently stuck in my

butt."

"I do not understand," said the

other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the

beach

And I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a

puff of smoke,

And then a huge old man in an American

flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He

said,

"I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant

you one wish."

I said, "No

shit?"

God Bless

America[/quote]

[Christarp4]

i blocked my own mom

[Maurice]

Just put him on your spamlist.

[Quality Control]

Steal his laptop

[ImBill]

i'll keep this handy in case i ever need a guide to ruining a country

[Figgis Fiddis]

[QUOTE=Nyaos;17764758]This is the kind of stuff he sends me every day.

Of course it comes with huge bright letters and terrible comic-sans. Everything he sends me is slightly racist.

Also noteworthy, he bought a [b]$3,000 Dell XPS[/b] because the guy at Best Buy told him it'd be the fastest. Oh Grandpa...[/QUOTE]

:cawg:

[TH89]

Damn Bill Cosby's policies sound pretty retarded

BRAIN DAMAGE

[Nyaos]

I can't block him because during family gatherings he always asks me about the emails he sends me :(

[inzuki]

This girl on my phone sends me those stupid chainmail letters that say "if you don't send this message to 3428342784238782473 people you'll be anal raped by a clown"

It's really annoying.

[5tolognadriS]

[QUOTE=Nyaos;17764758]This is the kind of stuff he sends me every day.

Of course it comes with huge bright letters and terrible comic-sans. Everything he sends me is slightly racist.

Also noteworthy, he bought a $3,000 Dell XPS because the guy at Best Buy told him it'd be the fastest. Oh Grandpa...[/QUOTE]

You shouldn't be allowed to post:dance:

Below poster broke my automerge.

[Reaver1991]

[QUOTE=Nyaos;17764910]I can't block him because during family gatherings he always asks me about the emails he sends me :([/QUOTE]

just bring a really big shield

[5tolognadriS]

Breaking my automerge boy
[QUOTE=Christarp4;17764767]i blocked my own mom[/QUOTE]

I blocked my own girlfriend

[snuwoods]

You know, I found a lot of that to be pretty sensible.

[Skyhawk]

[QUOTE=snuwoods;17764947]You know, I found a lot of that to be pretty sensible.[/QUOTE]

If by a lot you meant 1 and [i]maybe[/i] 10, then sure. Other than that, no.

[Nyaos]

[QUOTE=snuwoods;17764947]You know, I found a lot of that to be pretty sensible.[/QUOTE]

If you think suddenly turning America into an ultra-Nationalist country would work of course.

[dryer-lint]

[QUOTE=snuwoods;17764947]You know, I found a lot of that to be pretty sensible.[/QUOTE]

Look at the bright side of things. At least you'll never be elected to any kind of office. :buddy:

[articpenguin]

At least your grandma dosen't send the whole email in the subject box

[Cheesemonkey]

My grandma constantly sends me similar things, except it's terrible conservative bullshit.

I don't even like obama but the anti-obama stuff she sends me is fucking stupid.

[rilez]

"A viral email is appearing on the internet purporting to be a Bill Cosby statement that he is running for President of the United States in 2012 and outlining his platform. This is a hoax, completely false and with no factual basis. Bill Cosby says, "False Bill Cosby statements are not funny nor fun and sometimes mean-spirited."

pulled from his site, your grandpa is a loon

[JohnnyMo]

[quote](7). Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life. [/quote]

Fuck that, allow steroids for everyone. Imagine football. It would be amazing.

[Cheesemonkey]

also she is frugal with computers and gave me her old one, a pentium 3. They got a new one because the mobo died. They blamed it on lightning.

I can't plug anything in at their house during a lightning storm, i fear for my electronics when i go there again.

[Destroyertf]

I would love to meet your grandpa. He sounds like a nice guy.

[Lazor]

[QUOTE=Nyaos;17764910]I can't block him because during family gatherings he always asks me about the emails he sends me :([/QUOTE]

Tell him he's an absolute moron.

[Umi-hebi]

My grandson should not be allowed to use the internet.

This is the kind of stuff he sends me every day.

[QUOTE=Nyaos;17764758]This is the kind of stuff he sends me every day.

Of course it comes with huge bright letters and terrible comic-sans. Everything he sends me is slightly racist.

Also noteworthy, he bought a $3,000 Dell XPS because the guy at Best Buy told him it'd be the fastest. Oh Grandpa...[/QUOTE]

Also, I BEAT YOUR ASS IN CALL OF DUTY 4 AND YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS HUH

[JohnnyMo]

This really doesn't sound like Bill Cosby and if it is, I really don't like his protectionist trade ideas.

[5tolognadriS]

Well, it's not. :eng101:
Incoming ninja's to make it look like I wasn't talking to JohnnyMo

Wow that was amazing how there were no ninjas

did you guys see that

[editline]07:53PM[/editline]

[QUOTE=5tolognadriS;17764945]Breaking my automerge boy

I blocked my own girlfriend[/QUOTE]

Part 2: She's no longer my girlfriend

[TrueWolF]

[QUOTE=The Inzuki;17764916]This girl on my phone sends me those stupid chainmail letters that say "if you don't send this message to 3428342784238782473 people you'll be anal raped by a clown"

It's really annoying.[/QUOTE]

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEREWWhMnxw[/media]

[CanibalMonke]

Sounds like a really bad way to destroy a government.

[Skipan]

You should tell your grandpa about facepunch.

[Roskarnolkov]

Shit on his face.

Or simply put him in spam, or ignore him.:)