Do you write? Are you creative? Let us tell you.
Post anything that you've created which you'd like criticized by your fellow fp'ers.
[quote][B]Tips for writers:[/B]
-Tell us what to look for in your writing. Prompt your readers with questions, like "Do the characters sound distinct?" or "Does the dialogue work well in this part, or is it too confusing?" or "Should I be more descriptive or less descriptive?" Give a little background on whatever you post. Maybe a 1-2 sentence summary, tell us the genre, or just say what you were going for with the piece. This makes it easier to critique than just jumping into it blind.
-Don't post work if you don't want (or can't handle) critique. If you post something just to "show off" and don't respond (or don't respond well) when people make suggestions, then you're wasting time for yourself and others. If all you want is a circlejerk, there is surely a warm place for you on DeviantArt. If you really want to improve, you have to be a little masochistic in taking on criticism. And don't spend all day trying to "counter" criticisms, saying the critic is wrong. It's much more likely that the writing is poorly executed than that the reading is poorly executed.
-[b]Your work is not going to be stolen.[/b] Don't feel like you need to buy a copyright or some shit before you can post anything publicly. The fact is, as soon as you write something, it becomes your ([i]copyrighted![/i]) intellectual property. Now, the more you post your work around the internet, [b]the more protected it is from being stolen.[/b] Sites like Facepunch or Writerscafe, or even DeviantArt, where you can't doctor the publication dates, serve as proof that you wrote a piece and published it by a certain date. You don't need to be spending money or making money to prove that your work is your own.
-For longer pieces, post them somewhere like:
[url=http://www.writerscafe.org/]Writerscafe[/url]: A handy site to organize a lot of your writing, with the ability to separate short stories, books, and chapters within books.
[url=http://docs.google.com/]Google Docs[/url]: A fairly straightforward text-storage method. Just make sure what you post is open to the public.
[url=www.pastebin.com/]Pastebin[/url]:Quick and easy text hosting.
[B]Tips for critics:[/B]
-Get detailed, get technical. Tell people what works, what doesn't, and make sure you're able to say why. Calling something great without explaining why is just as harmful as calling something shit without explaining why.
-Don't harp on little spelling and grammar errors, unless they're so severe or abundant that the piece becomes unreadable. Correcting these things may be helpful, but not nearly as insightful as comments on the creative aspects. Those will help people improve more than just throwing a dictionary at them.[/quote]
Let's get started
[IMG]http://s14.postimg.org/onzltnahd/poem.png[/IMG]
The story here is a mom leaving a dad and taking the kids. But to avoid the the ruckus and fighting, she told a little white lie to get away quietly.
If you post something to be critiqued, please take the time to give an in depth look at someone elses writing. Give some Take some.
Not bad; hopefully now it has been built, they will come.
I enjoyed that piece.
Now, I know I just posted this in the other thread... I don't expect many people to tackle reading it and critiquing it, it's not a lot to read though, a few pages at most. 3000 words maybe, I can't completely remember.
Either way, it's a Fantasy / Horror story I am working on, not a short story like other projects of mine that I've done, so it's a new thing for me to be trying. Like I said in the other thread, it's been on hold for a while, I haven't worked on it in about two months, but it is open in another window waiting for me to approach it now. I just need to get some thoughts together before I really can.
If anybody wants to offer me some criticism on this, though, I would really appreciate it... I feel like this project has a lot of potential if I can do it right....
[url]http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/lifemonkey/1130449/[/url]
*reads OP*
Didn't see that coming.
*reads lifemonkey post*
Not bad. I'd say to keep it up.
[editline]26th April 2013[/editline]
And I'll get around to posting a short story that I finished writing about a month ago. I just have to finish typing and editing it.
I'm working on a silly short story based on an alternate reality version of a friend
Maybe this thread will give me motivation to finish it!
[QUOTE=lifemonkey;40425767]I enjoyed that piece.
Now, I know I just posted this in the other thread... I don't expect many people to tackle reading it and critiquing it, it's not a lot to read though, a few pages at most. 3000 words maybe, I can't completely remember.
Either way, it's a Fantasy / Horror story I am working on, not a short story like other projects of mine that I've done, so it's a new thing for me to be trying. Like I said in the other thread, it's been on hold for a while, I haven't worked on it in about two months, but it is open in another window waiting for me to approach it now. I just need to get some thoughts together before I really can.
If anybody wants to offer me some criticism on this, though, I would really appreciate it... I feel like this project has a lot of potential if I can do it right....
[url]http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/lifemonkey/1130449/[/url][/QUOTE]
I liked the intro. Very fluid and the subtle rhymes work-in spite of me reading silently. I felt the hook,though i think you could add a bit more meat to the hook.
The first chapter- Mort
One thing i noticed throughout this chapter was the excessive use of commas. Try to cut these down quite a bit. compound sentences and run on sentences make it easy for the reader to get lost. see if you can't go in and remove unnecessary detail and make the lines a little less choppy.
An example is in the 2nd paragraph where the grandpa is speaking,[I] Do not scare yourself though, this may only mean the seasons are changing, son. [/I] That should be two separate sentences.
Again in the 2nd paragraph:[I] Your closest friends may become strangers, what you must appreciate and trust most in these days, if you ever must face them, is your gut.[/I] It makes sense, it's just a bit clunky and messes with the stream of your words.
in the 1st paragraph, the line about the barn door is mucky.
[I]As he ran out of the barn, forgetting to shut and lock the large brown door with rotted out wood behind him, he thought back..[/I]
it could simply read as:
[I]As he ran out of the barn forgetting to lockup the big rotted door behind him, he thought back....[/I]
The reader should feel like you walked through the scene and saw everything. Not like an investigator writing and listing out details if that makes sense.
The transition into the 3rd paragraph, could use some smoothing. I didn't even realize he was running in the first place. I looked up, and confirmed that he [I]was[/I] indeed running, but it was distracting.
In the 3rd line of the 3rd paragraph 'heard' should be 'hear'.
[QUOTE=pakadots;40426297]I liked the intro. Very fluid and the subtle rhymes work-in spite of me reading silently. I felt the hook,though i think you could add a bit more meat to the hook.
[/QUOTE]
Thank you for all of the tips, I will go through the writing and touch up on those things. Aside from the writing technicalities, how was the story itself so far?
[QUOTE=lifemonkey;40426365]Thank you for all of the tips, I will go through the writing and touch up on those things. Aside from the writing technicalities, how was the story itself so far?[/QUOTE]
Just finished it. Plot wise, i like it. I think there is much to improve on, but with the story you have i think it'd be worth making all the improvements.
I hope this thread goes somewhere. I'm not really big on critiquing or writing poetry but I'll have a look at fiction and shit that gets posted here. Guess I'll start with lifemonkey's, since it's the only one so far.
While I work on that, can anyone recommend the best sites to post fiction online? I've never really done any sharing or critiquing online before very recently. Just worked with hard copies in classrooms.
Hm, I was hoping other people would post in the time it took me to type this up, but here goes.
[QUOTE=lifemonkey;40425767]I enjoyed that piece.
Now, I know I just posted this in the other thread... I don't expect many people to tackle reading it and critiquing it, it's not a lot to read though, a few pages at most. 3000 words maybe, I can't completely remember.
Either way, it's a Fantasy / Horror story I am working on, not a short story like other projects of mine that I've done, so it's a new thing for me to be trying. Like I said in the other thread, it's been on hold for a while, I haven't worked on it in about two months, but it is open in another window waiting for me to approach it now. I just need to get some thoughts together before I really can.
If anybody wants to offer me some criticism on this, though, I would really appreciate it... I feel like this project has a lot of potential if I can do it right....
[url]http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/lifemonkey/1130449/[/url][/QUOTE]
I can see what was mentioned before about the use of commas. In the first paragraph, for example:
[quote]The waters were still, rivers dried with no current. Nature had fallen asleep, the dead leaves lay comfortably due to the absence of wind. No remnants could be seen, no civilization was present. The world had moved on, somehow, some way.[/quote]
[quote][i]Your closest friends may become strangers, what you must appreciate and trust most in these days, if you ever must face them, is your gut.[/i][/quote]
These are a couple early instances where most, maybe all of the commas could be replaced with periods. I was going to list a few more occurrences of this, but it seems to happen throughout the story. Too often to put every single one in this post. Sometimes it's just distracting, but other times it feels like it alters the meaning of the sentence.
I agree with the earlier suggestion about the description of the door, but I would also take action on this sentence:
[quote]Things were about to change, and the village, Kanah, was running out of time. [/quote]
I felt like the insertion of the specific name there was a little clunky. I think for now, it could just say "the village" and the name of it could show up later. I don't think it'd be confusing later if it's left out here.
The handful of paragraphs following the italicized section work pretty well, but there are some aspects of the presentation that bother me a little. Things like "It was beginning" and "this too could be a sign" and "this book was special, for it held the answers." I'd prefer to just slowly be introduced to the oddities in the atmosphere, and see Mort's reactions to them. Those parts I pointed out seem to be products of the character's thoughts, and make me feel like the story is in on something that I'm not, and crosses the line between intrigue and confusion. At least for me. The significance of all the strange events is explained later, so I think it works better to just have the strange events happen first, and it'll probably keep people's interest until the explanations later on.
Chapter two felt a lot stronger to me, but it made me laugh a little when she refers to tobacco as "the weed." Maybe people really do (or did) refer to tobacco by that name, but I thought it was funny. Another small specific point:
[quote]While navigating swiftly through the hallway, she glanced at the portraits of her husband, herself, and her two sons [b]as she passed them.[/b][/quote]
I think the bolded part is redundant. We get that she's passing them, since she's already navigating swiftly through the hallway. While I'm at this, that phrasing is a little clunky. I'm not sure she needs to be "navigating," and it's established in the previous sentence that she's hurrying.
There are a lot of other things that could be pared down. I'll list more if you want, but I think I should spend some time on larger-scale comments for now.
I like some stylistic choices in the story. They help to give it a distinct voice. Just using little phrases like "dusk til' dawn" and using "folk" instead of "people" or another word made the setting feel more immersive. There gets to be a pretty good sense of foreboding in the story, and maybe this is because I just came from a forum where everyone seems to be writing the world's most convoluted RPG plot, but I liked that the fantasy elements are not constantly permeating the environment, but instead are just kind of foreign and scary to everyone when they come up.
The biggest things that drag down the story have already been brought up. [b]Lots[/b] of sentences end with a comma where they should end with a period, or should have some other kind of transitional form in them. I've seen a lot of people who write [i]somewhat[/i] like that, like strategic use of a comma makes a sentence more... Lofty, I guess? But on some occasions it can actually change the meaning of a sentence altogether.
The other thing is harder to pin down, and that's drawing the line between what will intrigue the reader and what will confuse the reader. I like the beginning where Mort is noticing weird shit happening to the world, but I think it would work better without hinting at how significant it is. It's weird enough that we know it's significant (or maybe we wonder if he's just mentally ill) but I think enough is revealed later on when he talks to his son that less setup is required early on.
I hope this is valuable to you. I sent the story to my friend and this was all he said to sum it up:
[url]http://i.imgur.com/WiW9W.gif[/url]
Building up universe material for a Morrowind mod I hope to make way down the line (if anyone's still playing morrowind by then)
[QUOTE=From the Journal of Mercato Solis, Zoologist - OF ANTIGUA - 7TH ANDROMEDA, 1906 (Written somewhere in the rainforest, near Ohheikkat)]
The birds return every year. Andromeda, a month named for the huge, distant planet around which our world revolves, brings long days of sunshine - a welcome visit from the long months of constant rainfall, soaking the rainforest through. In Andromeda, life crawls; even the trees seem lazier, and many young saplings simply die during this month of sunshine.
But the Yellowback is not a native of the rainforest. It migrates from a distant, more frigid continent, and returns to the rainforest every year during the month of sunshine.
We find one Yellowback as he lands on an Alderberry bush to rest. He eats some of the berries, containing precious nourishment, and uses his beak to comb his fur. He is knotting it; he uses his hooked beak to tie knots in the hairs, forming a pocket in which he will store more food.
Suddenly, he freezes. A wild Stripe has entered the clearing. The Yellowback eyes it cautiously. The Stripe is an omnivore; if the Yellowback isn’t careful, he could become the Stripe’s next meal.
The Stripe is laying beneath the Alderberry bush, resting in the shade. He stretches his six long legs and digs, uncovering fresh, cool soil in which to lie down. During this, the Yellowback flits away, joining a flock of the birds flying overhead. They dive into a cave some distance away; this is very interesting. I will raise the team and we will investigate at once.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Breakdown of Continents, Nations, and noteworthy Districts on Europa - Professor Marius Morvagne, Geologist - Magestrat University, 1885]
The surface of Europa is comprised mostly of liquid water, separating the five continents upon which all known living organisms reside.
In the eastern hemisphere lies the continent of Antigua, which is wholly controlled by the Democratic State of Antigua, mostly comprised of Humans. The capital of Antigua is Oberogne. Other noteworthy districts are Saurabh, North and South Kesetqla, Katerigna, and Conti.
The southern hemisphere is controlled by the Republic of Ocqus, governing body of the Salatian species. The capital of Ocqus is Ulmnui. Other noteworthy districts are Lymnui and Faughui. It is important to note that these cities rest at the bottom of the ocean, where no other species can enter. Foreigners who wish to visit Ocqus will be disappointed to find that they are only able to visit the small island districts of Heoghui, Rynlyui, and Phtheongui – a trade hub, transportation hub, and embassy, respectively. Surface housing is available on all three islands, but most non-Salatians simply choose to steer clear of Ocqus unless they have business to attend to.
The western hemisphere is shared by two continents; Ossetia and Asaghalkat. They are connected via a land-bridge that connects the continents near the southernmost point, referred to by many as “the in-between.” In the last 70 years, this region has been treated as a demilitarized zone, with the armies of Ossetia and Asaghalkat poised on each side, prepared for military action by the opposing nation.
Ossetia is ruled by Carbindaille, the Kurgi nation. The capital of Carbindaille is Homer. Other noteworthy districts are Wilhelmsburg, Watertown, Palatia, and Itala.
Asaghalkat is not ruled by a single governing body, but a commune of the separate states (mostly Human and Salatian citizens) which share the continent. These states are New Antigua, Atkagat, S’akghakt, Eihhaikat, and Ohheikkat. Apart from the capital cities, named for their states, most of Asaghalkat is covered in dense rainforest, and populated by separate, sometimes warring, tribal groups.
Asaghalkat stretches past the borders of the western hemisphere and prods its way into the north. It shares this hemisphere with a fairly small island continent, Hollraffe. It is governed by the District of Negregaine, home of the Brenidine species. Information on this nation is very sparse and oftentimes conflicting, as they closed their borders over 600 years ago and refuse to open them to this day. Brenedines who lived outside of Negregaine when the borders closed were forever banished from their homeland. Today, many Brenedines who are uneducated or unfamiliar with history do not even realize that Negregaine exists, and place their loyalties with whatever nation will accept them.
Excluding other bodies of land which are uncharted, unsettled, or being warred for, this concludes the overview of continents, nations, and noteworthy districts on Europa.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=from “Known Histories” by Pontius Levina, Chapter 2 – Our Neighbors (pg. 92-93)]
…whether those theories hold any weight. As of yet, no evidence has been found which should lend credence to these ideals, which are to most viewed as foolish superstition.
Returning to the subject, however, we share this globe with a number of differing species, each with their own strengths and weaknesses to add to our world. These all are regarded equal citizens in what nations they reside, and possess equal rights based on the values of their species.
Species of organisms capable of speech, reasoning, and cohabitation on Europa are as follows:
-Humans – Humans are odd in that they possess no significant traits, unlike the other species on this list. Humans are a small, fleshy, and mostly hairless lot. They have no discernible skills; from sociology, to industry, to magestry, they possess only basic skills. However, the Human is vastly in the majority. Compared to the combined population of all known persons on Europa, the Human outnumbers Non-humans by almost 26 percent. They don’t seem to be united under any deity; many worship the gods of different species, while most seem to be without religion at all.
-Salachians – Salachians come from an offshoot of the Human evolutionary family, of which I am a member. We are homo-amphibians, or humanoids that live in water. We are, in essence, fish-men with gills, scales, and webbed digits. The majority of Salachians live in underwater metropoles, but a sizeable portion choose to live on dry land, sticking close to bodies of water. The true Salachian is gifted by the blood of the ancient Prophet Lazarus, and is a master of the forces of magestry. Salachians are known throughout the globe for the Magestrat University, in the undersea metropolis, Ulmnui. Most land-dwelling Salachians are graduates of the Magestrat University, and work as mages in the Military.
-Kurgi – The Kurgi are a species of simians, who are believed to be the stem from which the Humans and Salatians evolved. They are covered in thick fur ranging in color from white, to grey, to brown, to black (and any combination thereof). They have two pairs of thick arms and are the world leaders in industrial endeavors. In 1562, the Kurgi awed the world when they discovered “exploding dirt,” and pioneered the world’s first firearms. This is not an ancient tradition; the Kurgi continue to lead the world in industrial progress, and in 1901 they unveiled the first prototype automobile, the Model A. It is very large and clearly designed for the Kurgi’s large frame, but the technology is there for others to use. The Kurgi worship the god of craftsmen, Cartwright.
-Brenedine – Brenedines are a very odd species. They have a torso with a head and two arms, similar to the Human and the Salatian, but below the waist is the body of a beast that walks on four legs. This lower half is covered in thick feathers, which the Brenedine must groom regularly (every two or three months – grooming is seen as a bonding experience among close friends and family), lest he shed them in public spaces. Evolving amongst the other species of the world, the Brenedine has developed the ability to walk on his hind legs, and he does this primarily, towering high over the other species. He lowers onto all four legs when he is running, or when he is indoors, as many cielings and doorways are not designed for the Brenedines’ great height. The Brenedine is mostly agnostic, but ancient history indicates that the Brenedine nation of Negregaine had been sacked and ruled by many different Brenedine warlords, each fighting in the name of a different deity. It is hypothesized that when the battles came to an end, the victor sealed the borders in order to retain control of the region. It is unclear whether this was successful, or if the wars have continued behind closed doors, but nobody has been allowed to enter or exit Negregaine for 652 long years.
For as long as anyone can remember, we have shared this realm with these different species. However, despite our very apparent differences, we are all just people and people are prone to error. In the next chapter we will observe the events in our history that affect our livelihood today. . .
[/QUOTE]
[editline]25th April 2013[/editline]
even if the mod never gets made, it's still fun to just write bullshit in a different universe
[editline]26th April 2013[/editline]
now to start reading the stuff that's already here
[editline]26th April 2013[/editline]
Also I posted this a while ago, but I could still use some criticism on it
[url]https://www.dropbox.com/s/bmq2hk4y7x20n70/Tower.pdf[/url]
Yay! I don't have access to it right now but I'll get to posting a draft of a story I was writing a bit ago for English class. I borrowed the concept of "tears" from Bioshock Infinite in it, but developed the idea rather than just making it a superpower.
[QUOTE=pakadots;40425425]Do you write? Are you creative? Let us tell you.
Post anything that you've created which you'd like criticized by your fellow fp'ers.
Let's get started
The story here is a mom leaving a dad and taking the kids. But to avoid the the ruckus and fighting, she told a little white lie to get away quietly.[/QUOTE]
This was really nice, very easy to read.
I didn't understand what it was about until you said it, then it clicked.
I didn't get the opportunity, but I can imagine reading this a few times until I finally get it, maybe getting it wrong, but I see that as a sign of good poetry, so kudos nigga.
[QUOTE=lifemonkey;40425767]I enjoyed that piece.
Now, I know I just posted this in the other thread... I don't expect many people to tackle reading it and critiquing it, it's not a lot to read though, a few pages at most. 3000 words maybe, I can't completely remember.
Either way, it's a Fantasy / Horror story I am working on, not a short story like other projects of mine that I've done, so it's a new thing for me to be trying. Like I said in the other thread, it's been on hold for a while, I haven't worked on it in about two months, but it is open in another window waiting for me to approach it now. I just need to get some thoughts together before I really can.
If anybody wants to offer me some criticism on this, though, I would really appreciate it... I feel like this project has a lot of potential if I can do it right....
[url]http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/lifemonkey/1130449/[/url][/QUOTE]
Goddamn you, you better finish this shit
What the fuck is happening
Apart from a few odd shits that pakadots mentioned, and a couple of spelling errors (their vs there), this was pretty well done
i'd love to see it developed some more
As I said in the post in the thread that spawned this one, I have a bad habit of writing long intro scenarios and then having problems writing the rest or even figuring out the problems I make for myself.
So I wrote this together a bit ago (or rather I had a basic story written up so I worked on it a bit).
I borrowed the concept of "tears" from Bioshock Infinite and worked on that. Again, it's just a "prologue", sort of, so nothing exciting yet besides background info on the universe it plays out in.
[url]https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/75932127/Facepunch/Tears.pdf[/url]
[editline]26th April 2013[/editline]
Also, mind the scientific inaccuracies. I am not a physicist. At all. I get most of the terms from Doctor Who. :v:
[editline]26th April 2013[/editline]
And apparently I write like Arthur Clarke!
[url]http://iwl.me/b/a19b4b4[/url]
Good to know! I have no idea who that is!
hello, sorry if its really bad.
[url]http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9186102/1/The-First-Step[/url]
Stay flamin'! ;D
--------------]
Anywho, "Vacation" is neato man!
How can I make a nice flowing conversation, this looks weird for me:
'How are you?'
'Good, and you?'
And this looks wrong to me as well.
'How are you?' 'Good, and you?'
I have that same problem. I also make all of my stories terrible by filling it with terrible purple prosse and bogging down the flow of the narrative to the speed of lazy sloths. That's why I don't write anymore.
Well, today I shall be working on a story I call "The Diary of Jeremiah Shaft", a diary-styled series of short stories wherein the protagonist talks about his life, from the day he first receives his armtop computer, to the day he is sent out to investigate the swamps of Mary's Wash in search of the Air Fish. First instalment will be when he's still a young boy, living with his family in Rusa Mora.
Also he's a rat-person whose species came from a parallel universe.
I haven't ventured into CC before (save for the dA Appreciation Station), but here goes. Writing is a hobby of mine, and I'm always looking for ways to improve. If I have any questions, I'll be sure to stop by and ask.
Actually, I've been having this nagging feeling for a while. I've been writing this story on and off for a while. I used to post it on Deviantart, but only one person read it so I figured I might as well stop wasting my time. Besides, I didn't want to risk handing out ideas to anybody who would be interested in snatching them.
Anyway, I'm not sure if the story is very good or worth writing at all. I suppose an accurate description of it would be an anime-esque romance/slice of life story, perhaps with some harem elements as well. I'm not sure what FP's general opinion on anime is as of late, but that's all I can describe it as. Nothing special like aliens or magic or time travel. I wouldn't call it realistic, as the characters all have personality tics that you would find in anime/manga/other fiction. It's wacky at times but takes itself somewhat seriously. Still, it doesn't have any elements that scream, "Ha! This is an original idea! I should buy this book and give the author all of my money!" I have fun writing it as practice, but I don't know if it's anything worth pursuing professionally.
I don't have time now, but I could provide a plot summary later if anybody is interested in helping me figure this out.
[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;40432100]How can I make a nice flowing conversation, this looks weird for me:
'How are you?'
'Good, and you?'
And this looks wrong to me as well.
'How are you?' 'Good, and you?'[/QUOTE]
Definitely not the second one. That would get way too damn confusing way too fast.
I don't see anything wrong with the first method at all. I read The Sun Also Rises recently, and like 75% of the book was dialogue written exactly like that. It was perfectly readable.
[editline]26th April 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=Derp Y. Mail;40429897]And apparently I write like Arthur Clarke!
[url]http://iwl.me/b/a19b4b4[/url]
Good to know! I have no idea who that is![/QUOTE]
2001, dude
[QUOTE=Loofiloo;40434305]2001, dude[/QUOTE]
Don't kill me, but I've never actually read the novel nor watched the movie...
[QUOTE=Kirbunny431;40432587]Actually, I've been having this nagging feeling for a while. I've been writing this story on and off for a while. I used to post it on Deviantart, but only one person read it so I figured I might as well stop wasting my time. Besides, I didn't want to risk handing out ideas to anybody who would be interested in snatching them.
Anyway, I'm not sure if the story is very good or worth writing at all. I suppose an accurate description of it would be an anime-esque romance/slice of life story, perhaps with some harem elements as well. I'm not sure what FP's general opinion on anime is as of late, but that's all I can describe it as. Nothing special like aliens or magic or time travel. I wouldn't call it realistic, as the characters all have personality tics that you would find in anime/manga/other fiction. It's wacky at times but takes itself somewhat seriously. Still, it doesn't have any elements that scream, "Ha! This is an original idea! I should buy this book and give the author all of my money!" I have fun writing it as practice, but I don't know if it's anything worth pursuing professionally.
I don't have time now, but I could provide a plot summary later if anybody is interested in helping me figure this out.[/QUOTE]
Deviantart is a really bad place to be if you seriously want to improve, or really develop at all. Since people can very easily block comments and users that they don't like, 99% of profiles very quickly devolve into circlejerk territory. People cling to those friends who only ever have positive things to say, and those friends continue to do nothing but praise every new piece, and the artist sees no reason to change or improve, since they're meeting the status quo.
Now, for me, describing a piece of [i]writing[/i] as being similar to [i]anime[/i] (or manga, or RPGs, etc.), as you commonly see on the internet, is a red flag. You need to be aware that these are very different media. Storytelling methods that work and are well-established in a more visual medium will fall flat on their face when they're transferred to prose. What often ends up happening is that people will either write something that reads like a hybrid between a story and a screenplay, or over-compensate for the lack of visuals by writing overly-descriptive prose, trying to create a mental picture that's just as detailed as a real-life picture.
Of course, this doesn't happen [b]every[/b] time. And to be honest, hearing that a story doesn't have aliens or magic or time travel is sometimes a breath of fresh air, because that's what a lot of people post online.
Well, it took a while, but I've written the first entry of The Diary of Jeremiah Shaft; expect elements of sci-fi and fantasy.
[quote]22nd August, 190 N.E
Dear diary,
Today was a good day, as it was my birthday! My family threw a nice party with lots of food and presents, and my friends from school were invited as well. Mom sure knows how to cook on a barbecue, which makes sense since she's a girl and girls are good at alchemy; when I asked her what made the deer ribs so refreshing, she said that she added salts of essence to the spice rub, which was really cool since I know about those things from science class. According to my teacher, salt is good for storing magical energies because of something about ions; I don't fully understand what ions are, but what I do know is that when salts are charged with magical energy, they release those energies into the body when they're digested, helping people restore their magical energies faster than simply breathing the natural atmospheric aether. Did I mention I was good at science? Science is what keeps the city running, as my dad says, and what will save us from the Plaguefather. To tell you the truth diary, I'm not too into the whole religious side of the city's science industry; what I believe is that the "Plaguefather" is what scared people use to give a face to the plague of undeath that's caused the villages outside of the mountain to get sick and try to attack us, and even if there was an evil man ordering the zombies (that's what we call them) to make our people sick, why would he do that? What does he think he'll get out of making people sick?
Anyway, back to the party; after the barbecue me and my friends felt full of energy thanks to Mom's spice rub, so we decided to play a game that we were encouraged to play in Psychic Education; Hide From The Zombies. Dad said go ahead; it was a bit too early to open the presents anyway, so after a quick game of stone-sword-wand, my friend Samuel lost and had to be the first zombie because of it. As he turned to the wall and counted to 100, we found places in the house that were good for hiding, and we used the cloaking technique to turn ourselves invisible, meaning the people playing zombies would have to use their ESP to look for us. If a zombie caught somebody, they would have to be a zombie too and hunt the rest of the surviving non-zombie players; usually I got caught first because I wasn't as good at cloaking as my friends were. The game would end if either all players became zombies or the zombies gave up, and giving up happened sometimes because my friend Emile was really good at hiding, able to stay cloaked for a really long time, though he had to drink lots of green tea afterwards so he wouldn't go crazy from how his "willpower" was drained. That's one of the strange things about magic; spells make you tired like you've been running a lot, but psychic powers don't, and instead they apparently draw energy from the "mental immune system" that the school nurse talks about all the time. Using psychic powers too much makes you see things that aren't actually there, and sometimes makes you see things that actually are there, but not in our world. I remember one time I was in the school gym and started seeing old beds on the ball court, and something tall yelling at other tall things as he walked towards our team's goal; I later found out from Dad that the tall things I described were humans, a different kind of people that were native to this world, and that the mountain city was originally a palace that belonged to a long line of human emperors. Now I don't believe in ghost stories, but maybe the visions brought on by too many psychic powers aren't just "there but not", and in fact [I]were[/I] there, but aren't anymore?
Another time, after I learned about the ancient human empire of these lands, I sneaked into a part of the house where Dad warned me and my brother never to go to; the basement. I might be a kid, but I know when there are secrets being kept; the basement wasn't really a basement, but more like a labyrinth, a network of tunnels and rooms that seemed to once be inhabited by humans, judging by how tall the tunnels were and how big everything was. The shelves were big, the rooms were big, the beds were REALLY big; even the plates on the tables looked as big as a circle-shield. There was a lot of dust too, but most of it had been cleaned up, and that's when I realised; my father must've been paying people to explore and study this labyrinth, probably arcaheologists like the ones that brought back strange things from some place called Keystone. But the main thing I remember about the labyrinth was the library; most people wouldn't call it a library because there weren't any books in it, but there actually were, even if they looked more like mirrored glass wheels than what most people think of as books. There were research notes on things around the library, including directions on how to "read" the wheelbooks; I turned on the reader on the far side of the room, and after strings of words appeared on the screen, the notes said it needed a wheelbook to read. Carefully taking a wheelbook out of its solid, strangely smooth binding, I put it into the drawer as the research notes instructed, making sure to not get dust or scratches on it. Looking back, I know that this machine was an ancient computer; built to last as it was, it took a long time to do anything, but eventually it opened a folder filled with documents a while after I inserted the wheelbook. The language on the pages was the language of the Ancients, a language that all of my people knew as a second language, but at the time I didn't know much of the Ancient language, so I couldn't learn much from the documents, though the Ancient's numerical system was identical to ours, so I could at least work out the dates. The calendar was very similar, with 12 months in a year and up to 31 days in some months, but whilst our New Era calendar was founded nearly 200 years ago, the latest year in the documents appeared to be 2037 "A.D".
Why am I writing about my experiences with human technology? Well, when the time came to unwrap my presents at the party, my older brother Matthias came home; he was an acolyte at the Jefferson Archives, so he was often working kinda late to write the history of the human empire into the city's records. Though he sometimes gets caught up in his work he still cares about us, and today he gave me one of the best presents ever; an Underworld-class armtop computer! These things were very expensive and hard to come by, being that even skilled mechanists had difficulty emulating the mechanisms found in the computers that the Orpheans carried with them when they escaped the Underworld, and apparently this one was once owned by one of the late-era Orpheans from before the Plague drove us from the Old World. This is one of the best presents a kid could ask for; I've been using it to start a diary so I can record this day and others. Thinking of the trouble my brother went through to get me this computer, it makes me appreciate it all the more, and I'll cherish it like I cherish my big brother. Perhaps one day I'll sneak back into the labyrinth and find the wheelbooks again; at school we're starting to learn the language of the Ancients, so eventually I'll know enough for me to understand what those documents were saying, and maybe do a bit of my own transcribing. I need to go to bed soon, but I still wonder; what happened on the 12 of April 2037? Was that the day the empire of man fell? I guess I'll learn the answer if I ever return to the labyrinth...
Jeremiah Shaft, age 12[/quote]
It's a first draft, as most things are, but I'd still care for feedback and critcism.
[QUOTE=Derp Y. Mail;40429897]
So I wrote this together a bit ago (or rather I had a basic story written up so I worked on it a bit).
I borrowed the concept of "tears" from Bioshock Infinite and worked on that. Again, it's just a "prologue", sort of, so nothing exciting yet besides background info on the universe it plays out in.
[URL]https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/75932127/Facepunch/Tears.pdf[/URL]
[editline]26th April 2013[/editline]
Also, mind the scientific inaccuracies. I am not a physicist. At all. I get most of the terms from Doctor Who. :v:
[/QUOTE]
I really like the plot you've set up here. I would like to see this story progress.
I thought with the very first paragraph, it could be a bit more interesting if it was written as a quote of some great person in the time frame
[I]A dream concept through the ages has been to climb through the mirrors. To find another world like ours... but perhaps slightly different. Or to go back and witness what has already happened or will happen in person. Imagine the possibilities: experiencing the first cries and the final breath of the universe; or perhaps having access to teleportation for the more practical at heart. With the milestone discoveries of recent studies, this dream is now an expectation.
~Walt David SCO Ambassador 2221
[/I]
Something else i noticed was a few details that took away from the setting. Bringing up einstein, or Chernobyl reminded me that i'm not in the future, that this is a present time author writing this. And a bit on the same note, all of the years being noted on was a bit hard to keep track of. this happened in 2261 this happened 3843. It was a bit disorienting and didn't quite get the assumed effect of what has happened, what hasn't.
And the ending paragraph was a bit bland. Introducing the protagonist like that is sort of weak. See if you can't spice it up a little bit.
[QUOTE=Loofiloo;40434480]Deviantart is a really bad place to be if you seriously want to improve, or really develop at all. Since people can very easily block comments and users that they don't like, 99% of profiles very quickly devolve into circlejerk territory. People cling to those friends who only ever have positive things to say, and those friends continue to do nothing but praise every new piece, and the artist sees no reason to change or improve, since they're meeting the status quo.
Now, for me, describing a piece of [i]writing[/i] as being similar to [i]anime[/i] (or manga, or RPGs, etc.), as you commonly see on the internet, is a red flag. You need to be aware that these are very different media. Storytelling methods that work and are well-established in a more visual medium will fall flat on their face when they're transferred to prose. What often ends up happening is that people will either write something that reads like a hybrid between a story and a screenplay, or over-compensate for the lack of visuals by writing overly-descriptive prose, trying to create a mental picture that's just as detailed as a real-life picture.
Of course, this doesn't happen [b]every[/b] time. And to be honest, hearing that a story doesn't have aliens or magic or time travel is sometimes a breath of fresh air, because that's what a lot of people post online.[/QUOTE]
Trust me, I know about the horrors of Deviantart. That's why I decided to stop posting anything on there. I've encountered all of those things you mentioned, save the anti-criticism circlejerk. I'll be avoiding that site like the plague.
Ah, yes, yes, I understand completely. I'll be sure to keep myself in check so I don't end up writing a screenplay instead. I've probably fallen victim to that a lot already, so I suppose it's good that I started completely redoing it last month. Thank you very much, that's very helpful advice.
Oh, and thanks a bunch for that last bit, too. I've been so concerned that a story would be dull without that special, fictional element. That's a load off my mind.
[QUOTE=ironman17;40434529]Well, it took a while, but I've written the first entry of The Diary of Jeremiah Shaft; expect elements of sci-fi and fantasy.
It's a first draft, as most things are, but I'd still care for feedback and critcism.[/QUOTE]
Is this going to be a string of diary entries or will this fit into a story?
nobody wants to critique my stuff?
okay =[
[QUOTE=pakadots;40434966]Is this going to be a string of diary entries or will this fit into a story?[/QUOTE]
What I'm going for is a string of diary entries, which in itself tells the story of this guy's life through his eyes as he relates what he's experienced and what he's learned.
I'm glad we have this thread! I look forward to reading everyone's stuff and practicing offering criticism because as much as I would LIKE to help fellow writers I am awful at it. I also write a lot but am awfully shy about sharing normally because I think the stuff I write is really weird and that no one will like it but I will try to get over that by sharing some stuff here. So, here are two (very) short stories I wrote:
[url]http://pastebin.com/B6N5CiGj[/url]
[url]http://pastebin.com/9fueM8tR[/url]
(I linked to pastebin because I figured it might get kind of annoying to have to scroll through walls of text. Let me know if there's a problem with that, I'll fix it.)
The second one is inspired by my main man Ross53545, of "give her the dick" fame, so credit where credit is due. I would appreciate feedback but I am not here to tell you guys what to do. I will go through and read everyone else's stuff now.
[QUOTE=inebriaticxp;40435005]nobody wants to critique my stuff?
okay =[[/QUOTE]
I went ahead and read through it. I liked it, though I only really read the first one. (and I dont really give critique very much so this might kind of suck)
main problem seems to be that information is introduced kind of clumsily - I wasn't sure at first whether or not the speaker was 'native' in the first selection. 'huge, distant planet around which our world revolves brings long days of sunshine' seems kind of odd if the speaker is talking from a standpoint of both having lived there all of his life, and if he is writing for others to read, this wouldn't really be new information.
there's also a bit of inconsistency with how information is introduced later on - a lot of attention is drawn to the stripe and yellowback, but the alderberry bush is kind of dropped in there, without a lot of mention of its biological characteristics.
I'd say you could fix this by making the piece a bit longer and staggering the details, but considering that this may be for a morrowind mod, that paragraph may be all you can fit in an in-game book without a player getting bored and moving on (assuming that's where you'd use it)
as for the good things i really like the line 'The birds return every year' and i'm not quite sure why. Ohheikkat is a really good for (what I'm assuming is) a made up name, definitely better than something I could come up with. I may overvalue fictional names, but it certainly adds to the feel of the story.
in conclusion: 11/10 it's okay
if you'd like i could take a look at the other ones.
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