• My Narrative, Want Criticism
    6 replies, posted
Hello Facepunch, I wrote this short narrative for my college writing class (I hope to become a writer some day), and when I got it back I had a 95/100 with no actual criticism. My peers are absolutely useless in this aspect (it's a 111 class), so I'm hoping you guys can help! Be ruthless if you have to, I'll only cry a little bit. The VTAs, There and Back Again Last year a bunch of my close friends and I took a trip up to northern Virginia to perform at the Virginia Theatre Association’s one-act play competition. We brought with us our rendition of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” condensed into a 45-minute production. It was only a two-day adventure, but it was one of the most exciting adventures of my life. This play was probably the best performance I have ever put on, and it was that happiest I have ever been. The day started solemnly; we were not sure if we could put on a show or not. No one was sure what the performance was going to be like. We honestly thought that we could not have anything ready by that night. Everyone was ready to give up, but everyone knew that that would just be cheating us, and our audience. We had no idea at first that people were looking very forward to our play. We had to make it perfect. We started by just meeting up in one of our hotel rooms and rehearsing. We made sure to utilize our time to the greatest effect. Any and every minute that we spent in that room was devoted to perfecting our little creation. We made sure everyone knew his or her lines. We made sure everyone knew his or her cues. We even made sure everyone knew what costume he or she was wearing. Being thorough was a main objective. By the end of that day, we planned to make jaws drop. When the time came to get on the stage, we were ready. Everyone was tense, but no one was unprepared. When the lights came up, and the first lines rushed through the air, we had the audience in that palms of our hands; they hung onto every single word. Everything went amazingly well. It was so exhilarating the moments of drama and humor blending seamlessly. We finished the play with a roar of applause going on for what seemed like an eternity. None of us could believe the performance we just put on. Crowds of people came up to us to tell us why our play was the best they had seen at this competition, no one spoke a word of criticism. Our group had achieved what so many fail to; crowd favorite. We had accomplished something that we had surely thought were would have failed, and it felt good. All of the friends I made and the thrills I had made that play the best thing to have ever happened to me. Never would I have thought Shakespeare could bring me such joy. To think that only two days earlier we had failed to perform the play and lost all hope of doing it at all. Instead of failing utterly, we instead achieved victory and happiness.
Wat. Now seriously. I'm hoping to become an author/journalist myself and to be brutally honest, it's just boring. I understand how it is based on a nice moment in the characters life, but there is no action, nothing to grip the reader. I read the first two paragraphs and skipped to the end. It's not that I didn't like it, I just felt that it needed more. I don't really understand what it needs more of, but to me, it feels lacking in some way. Also, I would use commas way more too. I think your sentences are way too short. One other thing that bugged me, was that it's also not about being [b]there[/b] and [b]back again[/b]. It's more just a decription of what went on while there, as there was never any mention what so ever of what happened after. To me it felt alright as a piece and you did well writing it. However, there are some minor flaws and problems that you need to work out. But I wouldn't worry if I were you, the ability to write well is a gift such as a flower, but it requires practice to blossom and flourish into its true glory. You will get there eventually, nice piece.
[QUOTE=technologic;28266868]Wat.[/QUOTE] I agree, I quite enjoyed the allusions thrown into the mix, and the subtle drama inherent in the piece. [editline]24th February 2011[/editline] I'm just looking for criticism on my writing style, not the actual material. Go ahead an comment on that, whatever is good. I'm just trying to become a better writer.
Okay. Here goes. Use commas more. Like I said above, your sentences are WAY too small. You also overdescribe, don't get me wrong here, describing in detail is good but why use several small words when you can use two medium length words that would fit perfectly? That is all I can think of right now, write more and post a little bit so I can get more of a feel for your writing style.
I was going to say that I couldn't offer an opinion because it works fine as a school essay but then I noticed you said it is a narrative. Your readers need a sense of who the speaker is and all you've done is list facts. The use of "bunch" in the first sentence is where we get the tone in which we should read this and unless you wanted valley girl you missed the mark. Something you can do is think "and how does that make me feel?" Not to say you should have written it as "Last year a bunch of my super cool besties and I went to Virginia to perform at the super cool theater" but to let the emotion of the experience and your personal style of thought process tell the story instead of just rattling off facts. Try not to repeat words too closely together. In your line "All of the friends I made and the thrills I had made that play the best thing to have ever happened to me." the two made's right after another seems juvenile. Honestly, though, you got a good grade. I understand wanting to better your craft but originality and skill will not get you anywhere in a traditional education. Just give the teacher what they want and get the grade. Work on being a cult classic author after school.
As the others have said, your writing is dry and boring. This reads more like a list than an actual narrative. Christy said it best: we can't get a feel for who you are based on this. You need to open yourself up and put more effort into your writing.
Your grammar and structure is pretty good, which probably explains the 95%. I think you are missing the spirit of a "narrative", though. It was about as exciting as a simple college essay is going to get, and wasn't much more than just that.
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