A Poem I wrote(Need criticism) - General

The waves of heat a sick white heat burn throughout my head The loops that play loop every day to death I quickly sped The dreams I've sunk the drinks I've drunk I’d doubt it’s all alright And just in spite with all my might I’ll somehow sleep at night But when I woke when someone spoke when I was all alone The bleak night speaks and in a week a roommate in my home Takes up no space and leaves no waste quite happy I assume And all our conversations echo in my quiet shaded room The hallways stretch the game of fetch they both go on forever The jokes we play though quite insane are honestly quite clever And yet it’s strange I've never seen I've never known his face Insanity bestows upon me a friend from empty space

I'm not really into poems, but that was quite nice to read.

is thunk a word? anyways, really good, the first two paragraphs was awesome to be honest.

I don't know. it should be, i think it's in the Merriam-Webster dictionary or something. And i'm glad you like it.

I enjoy writing poetry myself and this was awfully good. Although "thunk" sort of takes away from it. Perhaps try a different rhyming pair? There is not much that rhymes with "drunk"...I am sure you can come up with something :)

Well, there really aren't any rhymes that would do that line justice, really. Plus I wanted to get the idea that he was suicidal. The drinks I’ve drunk, the thoughts I’ve thunk, I’d doubt it’s all alright

one word,inspiring.

Wow, all this positive feedback is making me hella confident. Quick someone, knock me down.

"Thunk" is not a word and takes away from the effect of the piece, I had to stop and think and that ruined it for the next stanza, then it picked up. Reword that stanza and you'll have something brilliant. [editline]01:55PM[/editline] The drinks I’ve drunk, the thoughts I’ve thunk, I’d doubt it’s all alright funk chunk clunk debunk bonk conch shlunk dunk bunk punk flunk gunk hunk junk lunk monk stunk shrunk skunk spunk tunk trunk [editline]01:55PM[/editline] I think something with 'spunk' would add to the overall creativity of your piece :v:

-snip-

[QUOTE=TheDiddler;23908792]Wow, all this positive feedback is making me hella confident. Quick someone, knock me down.[/QUOTE] All poems don't have to rhyme you know. Jeez what is this 5th grade?

[QUOTE=Errorproxy;23909076]All poems don't have to rhyme you know. Jeez what is this 5th grade?[/QUOTE] Yeah, you're right. The structure is kind of boring.

I found the pattern of you writing in 3 line stanzas made it feel claustrophobic, yet how you rhymed the first 2 lines of most stanzas went against the flow made it pretty cool. The thing was, was how the 3rd line was always like a Killer. This could work but not on this subject. Oh well, It was a pretty good poem none the less. Try writing one without rhyme's and tell a story.

Well this one is telling a story. it's basically a whatever gets you thru the night poem. In the beginning he was in pain and alone. With schizophrenia came a friend and an end to that pain. Though many people would disagree with this and want to cure him, he's better off this way. And that's the poem!

I liked the poem and "thunk" strangely added to it for me.

[QUOTE=TheDiddler;23917449]Well this one is telling a story. it's basically a whatever gets you thru the night poem. In the beginning he was in pain and alone. With schizophrenia came a friend and an end to that pain. Though many people would disagree with this and want to cure him, he's better off this way. And that's the poem![/QUOTE] Yea, I was pretty dumb because it did tell the story. But when it comes down too it I did enjoy it. You should write some more.

stop trying to rhyme. Your rhyming is boring and very forced. Line break =/= comma. Your lines should form complete and grammatically correct sentences if you remove the line breaks. You should write open poetry until you understand the basics of writing. Use lots of imagery and metaphor.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;23930351]stop trying to rhyme. Your rhyming is boring and very forced. Line break =/= comma. Your lines should form complete and grammatically correct sentences if you remove the line breaks. You should write open poetry until you understand the basics of writing. Use lots of imagery and metaphor.[/QUOTE] Alright, thanks for the advice. I did the line breaks because i showed it to someone else and he told me to. I thought the rhyming was fine but eh. Again, thanks. I'll remember to use more imagery and metaphors in the next one. I don't think a lot of imagery or metaphors would've done this one justice though.

done it "justice"? it's not exactly an award winning poem. Execution is a hell of a lot more important than meaning in poetry.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;23930779]done it "justice"? it's not exactly an award winning poem. Execution is a hell of a lot more important than meaning in poetry.[/QUOTE] Nah, man. Sorry, but i don't think so.

Lots of people hide behind subject matter. Your reader might pity you if you tell them you feel sad or something but they won't be able to empathize. Instead of just telling them about your own emotions you should give them a situation to relate to. I think I worded that poorly. Meaning is important in writing - what I meant was you don't need some ridiculous backstory about why you wrote it. Your writing should have depth to it - if you write just exactly what you mean, then your reader won't bother giving what they read a second thought. It'll just have been a waste of their time to read.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;23931066]Lots of people hide behind subject matter. Your reader might pity you if you tell them you feel sad or something but they won't be able to empathize. Instead of just telling them about your own emotions you should give them a situation to relate to. I think I worded that poorly. Meaning is important in writing - what I meant was you don't need some ridiculous backstory about why you wrote it. Your writing should have depth to it - if you write just exactly what you mean, then your reader won't bother giving what they read a second thought. It'll just have been a waste of their time to read.[/QUOTE] Well, that's good advice but i didn't write straight forward like you're saying i did. The whole situation of a man who has schizophrenia getting a friend through it. It's bittersweet. The whole poem was the metaphor. But then again all i know about poetry is me listening to Bob Dylan religiously.

I'm aware of the extended metaphor you used. You're certainly doing a little better than a lot of the beginners whose writing I see on forums - you're using some elements like personification and metaphor. What really bothered me was how intent you were on rhyming - in the third line of the second stanza, you ordered your words poorly just to force a rhyme. Not only that, but your lines are extremely choppy - this is usually a bad thing unless you're doing it to prove some sort of point. If you want help with your writing you're welcome to contact me through a message or on steam. I like critiquing more than I like writing my own poetry, honestly.

That was awesome.

Tl;dr