Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues and troubles V7 - General

Old thread: Depression, anxiety, suicidalism and similar disorders, issues a.. Keep your chin up, things will get better. OP copied from previous thread Feel free to share anything that's causing you distress, most people in this thread are in the same(or similar) boat that you are. Just be aware that Facepunch is no substitute for a Psychiatrist, but talking things out with other people can be cathartic and helpful. For diagnosis use a professional. WebMD and online diagnosis tools are bad, mmmkay? [U]A Note About GoFundMe [/U]Campaigns on GoFundMe may only be posted under dire/emergency circumstances and must be pre-approved by Pascall to prevent scammers from taking advantage of members. Some resources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety_disorder https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mood_disorder http://www.succeedsocially.com/ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm Stressed about using the phone for a suicide hotline, or more comfortable with text? https://www.imalive.org/ http://www.crisischat.org/chat http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx Many countries also have phone numbers you can text as well. Look around for the one relevant to your state, province, or country. Relevant subreddits: https://www.reddit.com/r/depression https://www.reddit.com/r/anxiety https://www.reddit.com/r/suicidewatch https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/ https://www.reddit.com/r/adhd https://www.reddit.com/r/schizophrenia https://www.reddit.com/r/stopselfharm Types of Psychiatric Professionals: Generally, if you go with someone like an ARNP you would be best served also working with a therapist. ARNP will diagnose and check in with you to manage medication. Therapist will help you learn coping strategies and work on other aspects of yourself you wish to improve. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Medication Side Effects: Mindfulness Meditation:

Well actually got myself a primary care physician and set up an appointment, I liked the doctor and I cant argue with the diagnosis of anxiety and 'severe depression'. From the sound of things I should start counseling sometime next week, and we did discuss anti-depressants although I communicated that I would prefer to see if counseling/therapy helps before trying medication. Im at a relative high-point right now so im glad I finally got something done and made the first step to maybe some lasting change. All I did was fill out like 3 questionnaires though, I guess I just expected more?

I just want to die

Has something specific happened to spur these feelings or is it a more general situation you're in?

General situation

A general sense of hopelessness, pessimism, reaching out for help without strength enough to give details, and expressing suicidal thoughts, these are all signs of a form of depression. It can also be sadness to the point of desperation. Causes of these conditions can be multiple, with example being subject to isolation for too long and then losing the will to be socially active again. Miserable home conditions or school conditions that makes communication associated with suffering. The reason you are few with words could indicate isolation. The hopelessness of being stuck in a repeating cycle that causes suffering and never ends is the dominant illusion. Let me tell you some things about the mind; Every situation, no matter how painful, will always pass. There are coping skills to develop during a difficult time, you have to see it as: "Okay, I am now officially ill, I must rest and apply coping techniques." That is your job right now. Try think of things you value high, but may not right now feel 100% motivated to do. Like take a walk, or talking to someone you trust. Empathy and sympathy actually works on the serotonin system in the brain, meaning you actually get into a better mood by talking to someone. This is also called activation behavior, because when you are depressed, you end up in a pattern that keeps you in the depressed state. So knowing the tool of activation behavior helps some people. Sunlight helps, Vitamine D3 (Cholecalciferol), which is formed in the skin when in contact with UV Light (Sunlight) is a metabolite to serotonin. If this is about a drama type situation, what you need is perspective, and even though this might sound hard, responding as stabile as possible is best to avoid further antagonizing reactions. Remember: Unstable people create unstable situations, stabile people create stabile situations. Then talking to some outside perspective is healthy. Also, emulating happy behavior, is conducive to becoming happy.

I saw my medical notes on my GP's screen and I haven't fully recovered from how inept and useless the mental health treatment in this country is. I got an appointment back in October (around then) to see a psychologist/therapist/something and she barely spoke after 5 minutes when she said I was "stressed not depressed". At the end of the appointment I was told I'd hear back from them within 2 weeks. 4 months later I got a handwritten letter saying they were "sorry" and it was "out of their control", along with a leaflet advertising a public stress/anxiety class. My medical notes said my diagnosis from the woman I saw was "adjustment reaction". Wanting to kill myself and nearly trying? Oh just a reaction. Constantly getting generalised anxiety for more than 8 years? Fearing phones ringing incase it's more anxiety inducing news? Fearing phoning anyone incase family/neighbours are listening in? All apparently nothing. My GP's solution is to keep giving me the same tablets I've said haven't worked from the start (including those 6 months where I was numb every single day because of how strong a dose I was on) and nothing more. She hasn't referred me to anything, she just keeps giving me single sheets of paper from the internet of people to phone and ask about appointments myself. Given it took me years to actually speak to a doctor because of my anxiety, and that this is KNOWN by her I don't understand how she can be so inept.

I had/have a similar situation. I want to see a doc but every time I go they're utterly useless when I go and it takes ages to get an appointment. Like a 5 minute talk telling me to try out meditation apps, after I already told them that I meditate and have been looking into CBT, useless. I had a good GP back in 2012, other than that only 2 doctors I have seen have been at all compassionate or useful, 1 of them was a locum the other was an emergency drop in doctor who originally told me I needed professional help. Aside from that every GP I've seen have been useless. For that reason I've decided to try and do without a doctor, the pills REALLY helped me but I can't stand the let downs/waiting for the appointments and having to take time out of work to see the useless docs.

Try investigate the word acceptance, you had a University course, and I'm assuming friends or classmates. Your identity was rich, so to speak, you had a lot of stimulation I assume from a life you left. Usually when we go from high identity fulfillment to having basically nothing, the mind thinks disaster. Because suddenly, you're in a different identity position, as a person without prospects, that's the feeling right. But as long as you get benefits, you know that you have the freedom to process the entire situation. Life doesn't have to be perfect for work or study. You just need to learn to identify now for a while, with that you are recovering. Recovery identity mindset is different than cultural obligation, and working through the stages of recovery when it comes to anxiety, it's treatable. One resource you have for recovery from anxiety is the ability to challenge the emotion, challenge it by making a phone call, no matter how bad it feels, worse case scenario you hang up in the middle of a conversation but you could just blame electricity or having a bad phone or something. Staying with situations that make you feel uncomfortable, is the recovery training. Because each time you do something that is uncomfortable, you gain experience in that area, and everytime you gain experience the less anxious you will feel. Depression, as I said, is self-perpetuating in a closed off environment, to work with depression you just need to take walks and talk to someone from time to time, like a family member or even a trusted friend. The more activities you perform, the better you will feel, and if the depression gets lighter, you have even more energy to work on difficult things. So identity associated with work or education, you can drop that, they should have no impact on your self-esteem. While identity associated with recovery, means nothing else is a priority other than working with your own well-being. In this recovery psychosocial development, you learn how to recover, your self-esteem should be associated with how much well-being you have managed to gather. Eventually, you might find yourself in the position where you can leave the recovery phase and continue with your life in another perspective. This is a chance to develop recovery skills in your life.

people only ever talk to me if they think i'm about to kill myself haha

I'm scared to talk to my family about my feelings. My brother has depression and sees a counselor so I'm scared to talk to him because I feel like he'll think I'm faking it, or that I'm not being genuine with my feelings. I've talked to my friends a bunch but I feel like I've worn them out as most of them don't try to talk to me anymore. It's almost like a cycle, I'm depressed so no one talks to me so that makes me depressed which makes no one talk to me and so on. I feel like just putting on a mask of happiness so that no one has to worry about me.

I'm actually, genuinely terrified my family doesn't like me. Like, I know they love me, but I feel like it's that sort of obligate love that you would give a relative you see over the holidays. It just feels like they tolerate me most of the time. Nobody really seems to listen to me most of the time, every single mistake I made is blown way out of proportion, all my interests are completely ignored. It feels like they're just going through the motions until they either kick me out or I scrape together enough money to find a place I can actually afford.

At least people even talk to you then, I struggle to get a word out of anyone.

Cigarettes has some good points. Speaking from personal experience, therapists don't help for shit for some and I'm one of those. I've regularly gone to several since 2013 and every time I've stepped outside my hole it wasn't because of them. It was because I took action at last and set myself goals to follow. I'm sure it helps for some but don't be discouraged if it doesn't. Therapy isn't the solution, the solution is what you do yourself. What you do I can't say, but most likely it is going to be related to something you don't like about yourself. I for example have always struggled with low self esteem due being heavier than I'd like. Going to the gym and losing weight through calorie restriction has been by far the best way to approach my problems since my weight has always taken a lot of space inside my head. ---- The past month has been a slow but steady climb up for me. I notice that my general mood is a lot better than usual and I'm less stressed. My SO is finally getting money herself so I feel like a millionaire now compared to before hah. I've also been following my mindfulness routine like I've written about some in this thread as well as intermittent fasting. I don't beat myself up nearly as much for missing one day of showering or sleeping in late like I did before which is nice. I still have a long way to go but I'm optimistic. All these small things I'm doing for myself help a ton and it's nice to have some goals to anchor myself to in case I fuck up something.

My situation has just changed dramatically. I no longer have to watch my Grandfather at all. I have NO obligations to the rest of my extended family anymore. Far as I'm concerned they can all go fuck themselves. I can move on from this garbage.

I'm going to be ending it soon, my situation has absolutely no potential for improvement. Even if I do successfully go through gender transition (seriously unlikely) I'll be stuck with depression for the rest of my life. I'll never accomplish anything. I just need to grit my teeth and get it over with because I can't do this for the rest of my life

We’re always here to listen.

If you end it this unpleasant chapter will be the rest of your life. And you have no guarantee that you will suffer from depression for the rest of your life and even if you do you might get it to a point where you can contain it. Are there any support groups you can attend to help you with the transition concerns? you aren't alone in this and other people who have had similarly difficult experiences might be able to help you out or give you advice or perhaps just console you that you are a full, valid and valuable person even if you can't get transition. Are the other issues weighing on your mind? A few months back you talked about anxieties with your studies you also expressed concern about not being a good person? I ask this coz sometimes lots of issues Glob together to make a seemingly impossible barrier when, if taken individually, it could be easier to tackle with clearer routes to how to cope. That's not to say there is always a solution but in those cases adjusting your reaction to a thing is as good as a solution. I hope you can get over this rough patch

I want to believe this but the evidence isn't there for me. As @Cigarettes said, depression is with you forever and therapy doesn't really help. And I'm not trending upwards. I've been trending downwards for years now. Discovering I'm trans was the final nail in the coffin for me because it brought a lot of latent pain up to the front of my mind and now just living as a male is painful, and of course I'm forced to do that 24/7. There's no goddamn escape. I don't really have any functional support networks in place because I tend to drive people away. I also have basically no transportation at the moment so I couldn't attend a support group or therapy anyway. I need a car but cars cost more money than I've ever owned and I'm too lethargic to even get my license. Yeah that turned out to be a very valid concern. I got kicked out of college for awful academic performance and now I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm not dumb enough to expect an epiphany to come. I feel lost and purposeless now, which is really toxic for me. I'm at my best when I have a clear goal that I find legitimately interesting and I'm working towards it. Basically, my anxieties and pains right now come down to -Get me out of this disgusting male body I hate it -My voice sounds so deep and awful, I sometimes think about injuring myself to make myself mute -I have no idea what I'm doing with my life now, "where do you see yourself in five years" well I mainly see myself dead because nothing else seems realistic -Self-harm is a vicious cycle that makes me ashamed of what I've done to myself, which makes me feel worse, you get the idea -I'm an academic failure, and that stings because I used to do so well -I hate myself for a million other reasons -The fact that my worries are so numerous is a worry in itself because I don't know how to tackle anything, everything is radically interconnected and impossible to untangle yeah basically I think I'm fucked, idk how I can recover. It's all been worsening for years

I can't help with the body dysphoria thing, I just hope you can get what you need for it and if the US won't be the place for it maybe a different country will be (cheaper healthcare or something) This part of your reply I can relate with tho because I was an achiever, who went on to get depressed, fail uni and hate myself for several years: You might not have done well at uni but you had mega pressures. It's not a reflection on your ability (not even your academic ability), you still have have that intelligence and it's an asset you can use. You can still harness it. Odds are your situation heavily influenced how you did at uni, that stuff is out of your control, so please don't let it change how you feel about yourself. Like when I failed uni I hated myself, for years after, I regretted it and blamed myself and thought I had become stupid - that was soooo much unnecessary suffering. As for what to do with your life after uni/college, iirc you know a bit about coding? Maybe try use that? (my hobby scripting in gmod eventually landed me a job in webdev, working and excelling at work really helped me become ok with me again) I'll be honest the whole "learning where you fit" thing is a pain in the arse. We're brought up our entire young life with a clear path in education then just sorta let loose like baby turtles going into the sea and being washed around by the waves. You also mention driving, which was an anxiety for me for a while. I learnt to drive at 25 and there are still people from my age group (27) who haven't started driving yet. Sure it's not mega common but there's a buncha people who don't drive. It's not an indication of intelligence either (when I was feeling bad about myself I'd use it as another thing to punish myself). It is worth learning though if only for the freedom/options it gives you (live where you want, work stuff and if you wanna get away for a weekend etc) As for hating yourself, if its like self hate coz of uni or coz of something you did you need to learn to forgive yourself, like it can be too easy to be your own worst enemy. I don't wanna come off too preachy or anything, good luck with your stuff

I feel like I should treat my current circumstances like a crucible to make me into a better person both as an individual and as a physician. I used to have this attitude that books tended to be only fit to make bookworms with, and real medicine was practiced in the hospital. But the thing is you can't have the one without the other, and personal disappointments can't color professional outlook on how you're supposed to improve yourself to do a better job. So I'm going to dig deep, and try again this year, and this time succeed.

I'm lucky and fortunate that I have a lot of good relations and friends who genuinely care for me but I'm having a hard time either caring or really internalizing this fact. I feel like every interaction I have with people pushes me further into a sense of jaded apathy and even when people reach out, I feel not angry but tired. I'm open about my issues and depression and no matter who I've talked to, no matter how many I've listened to or helped out, I feel more suffocated.

So... That interview I've mentioned in the previous thread; my second interview in the span of only 2 weeks? I've only got the damn job!!! I've never worked a full day in my life since I left college at 18 (25 in a few weeks), and I have been signed off since then due to depression and anxierty, so jumping from doing nothing all day to 40 hours a week was like jumping from a paddling pool to jumping straight in the deep end of a swimming pool, personally. Have completed my first week so far and both my managers have been praising me everyday on my hard work etc... I was never given an opportunity until now. About bloody time, too. My feet, back and hips hurt like shit >_< but at least all of the staff are really nice, bubbly and friendly, and I get fed during the day as well! Am still crying happy tears lol

Just got news I didn't make the cut on the Foreign Service Officer Test by 10 points, I got 144, needed 154. My only job opportunity that looks promising is a part time position doing A/V for hotels, and in general my post college experience has been extremely demoralizing. I'm starting to hit a wall of demotivation and general hopelessness. I spent four years working my ass off and having great experiences just to be back to step one, in my hometown with my high school job, and now I'm in debt. I'm just so extremely frustrated with this situation.

I've been getting panic attacks again the past few days, not fun at all. They started coming back out of nowhere and after I had the first, the others followed and now they lurk up on me several times a day. I'm not sure what I did for them to disappear to begin with so I'm not sure what to do with them now either. I've been trying some mindfulness techniques I learned from Headspace for them, like acknowledging the thoughts, physical feelings and emotions I get, tell myself if they're uncomfortable, comfortable or neutral then focus on the present and sit with the feeling until it passes. It does work I think since they rarely escalate to what I'd call "true panic". They tend to stop before that point if I use my techniques right but it is still very uncomfortable to experience due to the "I'm dying" feelings. I notice I've been dwelling on thoughts about panic a lot lately after they started coming back. How horrifying it is for you comfort zone to get so small you no longer fit in it anymore and have no choice but to face the anxiety head on. Nowhere to run, nothing to fight, but still feels like facing death itself. I don't want to calm down the panic, I want to solve the panic. I don't want to distract myself from it or find ways to cope. I haven't had the chance to try this yet but I have this feeling that if I want to beat the panic into the fucking dirt and piss on its grave I need to be able to genuinely accept death. No fooling around, actually accepting that I'm gonna die to show the panic that death is nothing to fear. Fuck the panic, I'll embrace it and tell it to give me all its got. Stop my heart, give me a clot, cause an aneurysm, whatever it needs to do. No matter what the panic does, I'll stop the flight and start the fight, beat it to a pulp and spit in its face. I'll make the panic panic because I ain't messing around no more.

So it turns out I have a Hiatal hernia. This anxiety shit has gone from "oh fuck I'm gonna die" to "eh, my guts are just wonky". Still fucking sucks when the panic first hits or when my heart thuds like the drums of hell, but eh.

I'm going through quite a difficult time at work and I've reached a point where I feel like I don't belong anywhere. Sorry, if things are going to sound vague/ not make much sense to people reading but I don't really want to disclose all the details. I just need to get things off my chest. So, to cut a long story short, several departments at work have either been closed down or have shrunk down due to budget cuts. Quite a few staff were laid off or outright left due to the way they were treated by senior leadership. Originally there were four technicians, myself included, and now there is only me and one part time techncian who I line manage. Foolishly, a few years back I took the role as a lead tech, which made me do all of the previous retired techs and now I line manage the remaining part time tech. During this time we got a new head of department who is my line manager. He is a total fucking nutjob and empire builder and has already caused several arguments and fractures with staff and technicians. As part of his sweeping changes, he was allowed to sell off expensive machinery from one department to buy expensive machinery and equipment for his department. He wants to essentially eradicate all history of the previous departments and is doing so. One example; he wanted to erase the entire storage drives of one department as he wanted more disk space for his department. Luckily, we managed to stop him as he has no foresight and is completely short sighted. The past few weeks have made me so stressed and worried about my job and I just cannot fucking take it anymore. I genuinely do not want to go into work on Monday. I've had enough. My nutcase line manager had originally decided to move one memeber of staff into the technicians office where I work. I've been in touch with my union and they said there is nothing they can do to help me, as it's an internal matter so I spoke to my line manager's line manager (does that make sense, fucking hell) and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I said fine, ok, I've still got my own place, I'll just be sharing it with someone I don't know. On Friday, my line manager came to me and said that he wants to put me in a new area, which is completely away from my department work colleagues and he's going ahead with it. I feel like I'm a second class citizen and I'm being pushed around without any say so. I feel like I'm emotionally ruined and this worry and stress is making me feel quite sick in my stomach. To preface the next bit, my looneybin line manager spoke with one of the other line managers in a separate department, who I'm good friends with and disclosed their conversation to me. My line manager now wants me to take over the part time tech's role, essentially undermining my ability to line manage my technician and risking her job at work. If it goes ahead, the part time tech will not have a job as they want me to do her job and I don't fucking well want to. Worst part is? I foolishly checked my work email yesterday and I received an email from the boss (who line manages head's of department) saying can you book an appointment with me some time to discuss your job role. I'm going to talk to my union on Monday as this has got all out of hand and to be honest, I want to quit the profession all together. But, there is one problem, I've never held a job for this long, nearly 4 years in total and my parents were so proud I got a job as I was out of work for a year and a half before I got this job. my heart and gut is telling me to hand in my resignation tomorrow and say fuck it to everything, but I don't have the courage to say to my friends and family that I've quit my job. I know my parents will be distraught and will not support me in my decision. I've already started applpying for jobs and I've got nowhere. My head is killing me and I'm a total wreck.

This is actually a sign of great courage and initiative all things considered. And, in fact, it is the right thing to do. Nobody is ever so indispensable at a job they can't be laid off in case of downsizing, and this is also a mistake many people in management positions do. Also this is a fairly scummy play by your management, since they're angling to make you basically replace them (your part time tech) sooner rather than later. It may come to the point where you could be the next casualty if they decide they need more money and less people to work with. Pre-empting this by looking for another job is the best solution in such a case, as is polishing up your CV and interview skills before looking for new jobs. As for your parents not supporting said decision, it's probably an inevitability. The work culture they grew up with has long since changed, but they still think in the same terms, so you're going to have trouble convincing them the action will work as expected in the first place. As for my advice: just go for it. You're still probably young enough to make decisions like this with a clear conscience even if there's a bit of a delay in finding employment later, and it's a more dignified exit than being cashiered out.

Fuck me where to begin. I'm pretty sure every person I come in contact with hate me and find me annoying. People from my school always called my athleticism, and I wanna improve but I simply just can't(?) It's hard to explain. I wanna go out, but I am ashamed to go out at all. I haven't left my house since the beginning of June, I've just been living off of Ramen and water. I just wanna die sometimes too.

I've been off my mirtazapine for about a week now, prescription ran out but my doc said it was fine to be off them when I saw her. Withdrawal symptoms haven't been too bad but still kinda annoying. It gave me things like diarrhea, fatigue/tiredness, flu-like symptoms, insomnia (my doc got me sleeping pills back on Friday so I can sleep again yay \o/), itching, nausea, some mood swings, and a bit of irritability. Geez I didn't realize how much I was dealing with until I wrote it out, it probably doesn't help that I dropped it cold turkey. Oh well, should pass in a few weeks.