when my depression was at its height, i realized how bad it truly was the first time a classmate asked me if something was wrong. prior to that, despite feeling constant depression, nobody could tell anything was going on because i tried to appear outwardly normal.
My mental policy when I struggled with depression boiled down to 'fake it till you make it'. "Force a smile, and one day you'll trick yourself into feeling happiness" was the kind of stuff I'd tell myself. There seems to be this image of depression as being brooding 24/7, as though sufferers are permanently trapped in the mannerisms of Holden Caulfield. From people I've known, that was very rarely the case, and if it was, it was passed off as 'they're just e d g y'. Personally, I could spend hours slapping the most plastic of smiles onto my face, and then retreat into my room and start pill popping. It's really not as obvious as we'd like it to be.
Although people with smiling depression put on a “happy face” to the outside world, they can experience a genuine lift in their mood as a result of positive occurrences in their lives. For example, getting a text message from someone they’ve been craving to hear from...
Oh hell to the yeah. Co-dependency coupled with depression & infatuation? What a lovely way for your brain to convince itself that your entire self-worth is based on this person's image of you. To make the stakes of the game even more fun, your brain will sometimes play tricks and manipulate words & texts to make you feel like said person now hates you for the most trivial of issues, even if it seems completely irrational afterwards. Even better, you'll never tell this person how you feel because your brain tells you about the slim chance that they will be repulsed and will abandon you. Once that happens, you tell yourself that you'll have nothing left. So, to avoid that, you smile it off.
Mostly I just feel like I don't wanna be a bother to people with my feeling shitty. While I could be having a good time, I inevitably end up feeling shitty again. It's funny, though, because whoever I bring it up with will often say something similar; that they feel like garbage a lot of the time but don't wanna come across as annoying or some such, so they just swallow how they feel. This shit is the worst.
We have to smile or else society will ostracize us further.
P much whenever I just can't keep up a facade and am just having a bad mental health day I'm told I have a "nasty attitude" or that I'm "in one of his moods, again."
Yeah, though I'm pretty much Robocoping my depression, tough as hell but I gotta have something dug in.
A work mate of mine went home over Easter long weekend about 4 or 5 years back and killed himself. No one expected it because he'd always been a real cheery guy. I'd known him since primary school. Watching his sister bawl her eyes out trying to read an eulogy at his funeral is by far the worst thing I've every watched.
I can't imagine the effort in pretending to be happy.
this is why im just miserable everywhere
I always put on a smiling face whenever I'm out and about to look "normal" to society, as well as to not embarrass myself. I never reach out to loved ones either whenever my demons get the best of me because I don't want to become a burden to anyone. Plus it doesn't really help (in my experience) anyway.
I saw so much of myself in this post it hurts.
There's a point to appearing happy though, I know I'm personally much more comfortable interacting with a person who smiles and jokes than one with a dead pan stare and few words, so I feel like attempting to be the first kind of person is good for my social life, although having that said I don't have much of a life in general atm.
I don't think I've really truly been happy in 3-4 years, at least. I have moments of joy in between long periods of misery, anxiety and hopelessness. Overall I rarely have the inspiration to work on anything, I don't often find enjoyment out of games or movies the way I used to. Most days I'm lucky to even muster the motivation to get out of bed in the mornings.
Yet I'm a clown. I crack jokes all the time, I act goofy, I hide it all away. I don't want to be a bummer to people, these are my issues after all. I see a therapist for all of this and I always come out of there feeling a little bit better, but it tends to but nonetheless.
Jim Carrey said it pretty nicely in Jim & Andy.
At some point you have to live, you know, your true man. I mean "Truman Show” really became a prophecy for me. It is constantly reaffirming itself as a teaching almost, as a real representation of what I’ve gone through in my career, and what everybody goes through when they create themselves, you know, to be popular or to be successful.
And it’s not just show business. It’s Wall Street, it’s anywhere. You go to the office, put a monkey suit on, act a certain way, say a certain thing, and lie through your teeth at times, and you do whatever you need to do to look like a winner, you know.
And then at some point in your life, you have to go, “I don’t care what it looks like. You know, I found the hole in the psyche and I’m going through. And I’m gonna face the abyss of not knowing whether that’s gonna be okay with everybody or not, you know.”
And at times, you know, just like the movie, they try to drown you in the middle of that abyss. They go “No, be the other guy. You told us you were this guy. You told us you were Andy. You told us you were Tony Clifton.”
You know, nobody can live with that forever.
Generally he talks more about being someone you're not, I'm not sure he talks about depression itself, but knowing Jim it's likely that's part of the subtext of his speech - at least knowing his own history.
Not in Poland
I think all the words I'd like to add have already been said in this thread.
Often get asked if I'm okay whenever I'm not smiling, honestly fake smiling is better than trying to explain to some colleague that I'm bitterly depressed constantly.
I think I have this. I haven't had any sort of regular work for a while, so I've been studying and doing portfolio work to try to get myself back into the workforce full-time. I don't have any form of higher-education, since I left uni after only being there for a short while because I didn't like the curriculum and mode of learning. I had pretty bad depression then, because it felt like I'd worked so hard to get to uni and it didn't live up to expectations at all, but I was working so it kept my mind off it - though I don't remember anything from those years, just work.
No formal higher education leaves me acutely aware of how much extra pressure I have to prove myself to employers, and I had a major bout of anxiety on Friday where I felt like vomiting at the thought of not being able to get a job this month. I get serious swings where I have this nagging voice in my head telling me that I'm not employable, that I'm wasting my time, and a torrent of negative thoughts whirling around in my head. It's really annoying, because it leaves me feeling paralysed, which is the real, tangible effect that's holding me back.
You know the worst thing is, if I wasn't faking it till making it, I would be in a far worse place in my life.
I didn't know I was depressed until my last year of high school after my uncle died, when my parents asked if I was miserable and, of course, I said no. Since then, I have gotten medication and therapy, but I still don't like to open up about my feelings because I'll feel like I'll be a burden or something
I've heard rumors that in Russia, if you smile too much, people assume you're up to something.
or little nut, so yeah, you need a good reason to smile in this boring sad country
https://files.facepunch.com/forum/upload/237760/a489e202-b519-45a5-ba19-05cea0c101a8/HMctP.jpg
I know my experience with this actual shitbeagle of a condition has caused me to make horrible decisions. So so many horrible ones, one after another, which has resulted in more and more of my friends simply becoming fed up and cutting ties with me completely. I lost friends of over 10 years because of unfounded paranoia. Yet I feel like I have to crack jokes and overcompensate. If I don’t, nobody will ever want to be near me. Nobody likes a rainy cloud, and depression is like a constant hurricane. It hurts you and everything around you. I don’t blame people at all for trying to throw a blanket over it so people won’t get hurt, but from my experience, that blanket can’t last forever.
if someone tries to tell you that depression is just something you can ignore or just get over, do the rest of us a solid and clobber them for being idiots.
Generally I've improved somewhat after I started taking medication, but the depression is still there. The main difference is that I no longer have self-serving "everyone would be sorry if I died" suicide fantasies, I manage to actually get out of bed after waking up instead of just sitting there trying to find the motivation to get up, and when I do wake up I don't have that "tightness in my chest" feeling from the anxiety. It also managed to get rid of this problem I had where I'd constantly have gunk in my throat that I'd be spending all day trying to hack up. Guess that was part of the anxiety, too. On the other hand I still have tourettes-like impulses where I just whisper to myself shit like "I wanna die, I wanna fucking kill myself". I try to keep that under control, I dunno what I'd do if I blurted that shit out in front of my family. And, you know, I'm still generally just a sad sack. My mom and dad are understanding, though. Dad's had to take medication for depression, too, it runs in the family apparently. So they know what it's like to feel this way, and sometimes that knowledge alone helps keep me afloat.
There was this one time where I had gone off my meds for too long and it was like all of the depression and anxiety that had been blocked off by the meds for the past year or so just came rushing in all at once and I was just a goddamn wreck until I had gotten my 'scripts refilled. So, uh, yeah, don't do that, guys. When the bottle runs out, you get that 'script refilled ASAP. Or, more logically, get the 'script refilled BEFORE you run out.
It took years to get out of the rut of depression. From identifying, accepting and trying to fix depression it took me nearly 10 years. In the end no amount of pills, counseling or therapists cured it. In the end it was talking to others regardless of who they were, letting go of my cynicism and helping them with their problems and reconnecting with the world after spending so many years as an unknowing ascetic.
This was a long, arduous process with lots of trial and error as I more or less forgot how to talk to others over the years of social asceticism and I still have to say phrases outloud in my own company to remember and keep them so I don't look like a damn fool speaking in broken english to others.
our society is fundamentally broken to be manufacturing so much depression.
I've suffered from depression all my life. Nothing has ever really helped.
In the last few years, losing massive amounts of weight helped in a way. Getting a routine that involves better eating and regular workouts helped in a way. Devoting myself to a strict schedule and to a disciplined lifestyle has helped in a way.
But over a year later of doing all these things to improve myself, to improve my depression, I still get spontaneous thoughts of "FUCKING KILL YOURSELF" on a nearly daily basis. I have for as long as I can remember. I don't talk about this with anyone, because it's pointless. I have brought it up in the past, and I've just kind of figured that this isn't something most people understand, or have any desire to help someone with.
And that's the other side of the coin. What would someone helping me with this even look like? I don't know, I can't tell anyone. I've been asked by loved ones "What can we do", and for all the time I've spent thinking about how to fix me, I have come up empty handed searching for answers.
I don't think I'm going to kill myself, but I sure as fuck am tired of having to fend off that beast every day since I was 9.
well, fuck. At least i don't have suicide thoughts, but still i feel sad and trying to smile at the same time.
Yeah, people aren't being paid enough to afford basic necessities, while we watch the ultra rich live lives of unimaginable excess in TV, and in the newspaper. People are dying of preventable diseases because healthcare is unaffordable. People's jobs are becoming harder with no increase in benefits. Quality of life has bee going down.
It's no surprise that people are suffering mentally. Conservative policies have been crushing the human spirit like a boot on the throat since the 60s.
it's even beyond a lack of funds, we're being driven further into isolation with every day
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