This is something that struck me.
I open my straws by simply grasping it and hit the end of the straw on my leg or some hard surface to force the straw out.
My dad opens his by ripping the top and pulling it out.
So, how do you open yours?
Used to hit the end on the table, but that just caused it to bend. Ripping it with the tab is good enough.
Rip top a bit (but not too much), grab straw, throw out packaging all in one piece.
I smash it on the table and then blow it at someone
Smash a bit then pull the rest off
Rip open bottom and use it as a blowgun to shoot the wrapper at someone.
Other.
Fuck straws.
It is a [del]process[/del] ritual.
If the straw is isolated, I extend my right hand and secure a firm grasp on the left quadrant of the straw.
If the straw is with it's companions, I seek out the highest one in the bunch; if the bunch is horizontal, I fish out the most protruding straw; the outlier. I then extend my right hand and secure a firm grasp on the left quadrant of the chosen straw.
Once my clutch on the forsaken straw is ensured, I find the nearest baby. I may trek miles and miles just to attain a baby. I require a baby for the ceremony.
If the baby is alone, I extend my left hand and secure a firm grasp on the left leg of the forlorn baby.
If the baby is with kin or otherwise, I gradually, slowly, and leisurely suffocate the parent or guardian. I then extend my left hand and secure a firm grasp on the left leg of the helpless baby.
With the materials required, the service may begin proper.
I obtain my black chalk from my right pocket, and scrawl the current two-dimensional manifestation of my mind onto the surface of the unknowing earth.
I lay the young human flatly on the ground, surrounded by my noted thoughts. I bury the fingers of my left hand deep into the lower throat of the elect. I do this until the child gasps for air; I elevate my fingers for 15 seconds, and resume the process. The infant must stay alive, but restrained: a heedless moth apprehended on a ravenous spider's web. The spider alone determines the prey's lifespan.
With the child in place, I force the right end of the straw, with wrapper still intact, under the right index fingernail of the baby. I shove the wrapped straw beneath the nail proper, beneath the cuticle, beneath the skin.
I continue until the left tip of the straw is exposed, and nothing else. With my teeth, I bit off the head of the straw wrapper. This leaves the straw body exposed.
With the wrapper able to be disposed of, I position myself so that I am standing on the kneecaps of the child; one kneecap for each foot. I dig my fingers deeper into the baby's trachea, with no hesitation. I use my right hand to break the right wrist of the baby, so the ritual is easier to execute. Then, while holding the right arm of the child to the ground, I cup my lips around the index finger with the straw inside it.
I start sucking.
The straw slowly squirms out of the wrapper, into my warm and wet mouth. Once half of the straw is engulfed, I draw my head away from the finger.
I take the straw out of my mouth with a hand chosen at random.
I free all my appendages; the job is done.
The straw is mine.
I actually break apart the seam all the way down the side and the straw is just there to grab, no pulling or blowing necessary.
Grab the plastic and then force the straw out, pretty much like unsheathing your knob from foreskin.
Bite an end of the wrapper off and spit it out, blow remaining wrapper at partner/table/trash.
I tear off the tip of the wrapper and then I smash it against a surface to force the straw out.
• all of the above
I twist the two ends so the middle is split, then just pull each side.
the correct way is
tear about an inch from a side, remove longer portion, insert into drink
when ready to drink remove remaining paper
if I have both hands free I peel away a section towards one end off and then remove the larger part before putting it in my drink as a habit from a restaurant I used to work at, if I only have the one I'll bang it against my leg and pull the end out with my mouth.
I usually use my mouth, but when I'm in public I drop my pants and use my ass cheeks to pry the bitch out.
Just force it out from one side. I assumed almost everybody did it this way.
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