In tabletop games, combat attempts are determined by dice rolls (usually a 20-sided die).
If you roll a 20 or a 1, that means you automatically succeed or fail.
Apply this to real life.
For example,
You are eating cereal. You roll a 1.
Your spoon ricochets off of the bowl and lodges in your eyesocket. Then the spoon explodes.
You're trying to buy groceries at the store. Roll 20.
Every cashier in the store suddenly flings the cash register open and just starts throwing money at you.
The general manager walks up to you and declares you god-emperor of the store.
Etc.
okay, okay
You go on a vacation.
Roll a 1; the vacation ricochets off your life and lodges in your eyesocket. Then the vacation explodes.
Roll a 20; You don't go on vacation.
you sit down to make a doo doo
you roll a 1 and the doo doo goes back up into your butthole and all the way up your digestive system and back out your mouth.
you roll a 20 and your doo doo comes out and you have a doo doo orgasm
You have sex.
Roll a 1; You accidentally shit yourself.
Roll a 20; turns out she's into that.
You walk home
Roll a 1: After walking for a while you realize that not only are you not home yet, but you are in no longer even in your country. After even more observation you notice you can see earth above you. You are in fact on the moon. As you are now in space you loose 10hp every second.
Roll a 20: As soon as you take one step the earth's tectonic plates shift in such a way that your house is now right in front of you. Also that scumbag Larry's, the guy who lived next to you, shot your dog, shit on your car and stole your wife, house is now crushed between 7 million tonnes of earth.
You're studying
roll a 1; you go back to doing what ever you were doing and get a 0
Roll a 20; you actually study and get a 50%
You make a thread on facepunch
Roll a 1: You get permabanned
Roll a 20: You are now Garry
You go on a trip to your hometown
Roll a 1; Everything about your home has been completely destroyed; the beach is polluted, your childhood home is old and decrepit, and the air reeks of smog.
Roll a 20; Everything is exactly how you remember it; the beach is beautiful, and your favorite spring is untouched[url=http://imgur.com/a/GTprX/],[/url] as well as your childhood home being in pristine condition.
You're repairing your PC
Roll 1: You fuck up and shove a screwdriver inside the PSU, frying the PSU, electrifying you, and burning down the neighborhood, killing everyone.
Roll 20: You spill coke on the CPU, but the odd combination of thermal paste and coke creates the worlds first quantum computer.
You decide to go for a pleasant walk.
Roll a 1: You have a stroke, collapse and start shitting yourself violently.
Roll a 20: You successfully complete the pleasant walk.
You masturbate
Roll a 1; You rip your dick from your body and punch yourself in the face so hard your dick lodges itself in your throat, suffocating you
Roll a 20; your hand transforms into a beautiful woman who makes love to you for hours
You ask a girl out
Roll a 1: you instantly have a raging boner in front of her, then you shit and vomit yourself in astronomical proportions, girl starts running, but it's too late
Roll a 20: your penis grows 20 cm, you both have wild sex every day of your lifes and then live happily ever after
You're walking
1: You fall and land on an open washing machine full of knives. You die.
20: You actually find something good to eat in the fridge so now you don't have to walk back and forth from your room to the kitchen every five minutes.
You look around a city street trying to find that person you're waiting for.
1: You step on a rake. It flies up and stabs you in your eye, blinding you.
20: You run into Megan Fox who is undercover. She asks you to be her boyfriend to keep her identity hidden. You enjoy your time together, and quickly become fuck-buddies for many years to come.
You go rock climbing
1: You grab the first handhold, but your weight pulls the cliff over and you are crushed.
20: You ascend with such speed that you are four miles into the air before you realise you're in fact just climbing air molecules. Roll for fall damage.
Click on "Post Quick Reply..."
1: Your mouse explodes in your hand, leaving third degree burns and lacerations in its wake. Also, you missed the button.
20: You post suddenly turns into beautiful prose, so beautiful that even you are in tears at its marvelous wordcraft. The media is immediately alerted, and you are nominated for a Pulitzer Prize in Forum Posting (a category created specifically because of your post), and also are nominated for Post of the Year 2013. You are showered in winners, artistics, agrees, zings, and even informatives and usefuls for such a winning, artistic, agreeable, zingy, informative, and useful post. Garry sends you a personal message congratulating you, and also offers to be the godfather of your firstborn.
You go on a picnic.
20: While searching for the best spot to eat, you come across a baby Sasquatch. It bonds with you and you decide to raise it as your own. Today you found two missing links: One for the human race, and one for [i]your heart[/i].
1: Devoured by bears.
You enter a boxing tournament.
20: You strike your first opponent so hard that he explodes, and the resulting bone shrapnel annihilates all of the other competitors who were watching from outside the ring. This event is covered up, and you are granted membership into a cabal of illuminati superbeings who secretly control the world.
1: Devoured by bears.
You go watch a baseball game
20: A couple innings in, you realize that you aren't just watching the game. You're watching it so hard that you're actually [i]controlling[/i] it. Every player, spectator, and game official is utterly subservient to you, Jumbotrons display whatever you wish, and baseballs move in any way you desire regardless of logic or physics. Realizing the power you control, you gather your servants and will the stadium to ascend to the heavens; officially seceding from the country and beginning your glorious reign as the Omnipotent Emperor of Baseball.
1: Devoured by the Chicago Bears.
Cleaning the toilet:
Roll a 1: The toilet rockets into the sky and careens out of control in an uncontrollable orgy of death, blood, and week-old feces. You take one wound with no armour saves, remove D5 people as casualties of your toilet's rampage.
Roll a 6: You finish, and the Emporer Karl Franz himself admires your handy work. A parade is held in your name, as you have the cleanest toilet in the Empire. You are swiftly made Elector Count of Middenland, and all the hottest women in the Warhammer world flock to make love to you. All enemies take all availible wounds with no armour saves.
[editline]5th May 2013[/editline]
And Ludwig Schwarzhelm smiles for the first time ever, shedding a single tear at your beautiful toilet. All Chaos is destroyed, the orcs become philosophers, the Elves settle their differences, and the dwarves begin a program of free beer for everyone.
You go to breath:
1: Your lungs collapse.
20: You inhale the entire atmosphere.
You Jump:
1: Your shins knees detach when you motion to jump, and fall down.
20: Your jump is so powerful you leave launch off of the planet.
You try to hide from the cops.
1. You're hiding spot is shit and they find you instantaneously.
2. You hide so well that the cops can't find out, for days they do a manhunt until they call it off, not even you can find yourself.
Taking a shit
Roll a 1; Your bowels seize up and clench like they were full of month old molasses, your face muscles strain and you drip sweat as you clench your ass with all the power in your body. Your shirt begins to feel damp, then wet, you start to lose vision as the blood leaves your head, your eyes strain and your head swims. You release. A small ploosh is heard, and a small goat like turd is all that has fallen from your precarious asshole.
Roll a 20; You release a torrent of smooth, silky, icecream like feces, the toilet begins to flush itself as the swirlee cone of shit that you leave behind is taken with it in the current of the rapids this toilet is unleashing to cleanse your fecal material from the toilet bowl. You stand, not needing to wipe, this having been a completely clean and beautiful poop. You sigh a sigh of sadness knowing you'll never have an orgasm that good.
Getting dressed in the morning for work
Roll a 1; You struggle with even the most basic of motor movements, sliding your pants on backwards, and managing to put your legs through both of the knees of your pants. You button your shirt up inside out, backwards, and you're even wearing your girlfriends shirt, 5 sizes to small for you, and very frilly. As you put on your shoes, you realize you have hulk feet and you have ripped through every shoe you own.
Roll a 20; you stand from the bed, not a drop of morning haze in your eyes, your morning wood stands proud and tall, a mast which from the largest of sails could be flown. The most beautifully cleaned clothes, freshly pressed from the iron float from the depths of your closet, wrapping themselves around you like a fresh cleaning breeze, softly tucking your morning wood to the side, covering your silky beautiful skin. You stand in the glorious blazing light of the morning sun, a beautiful, well dressed man.
Turning on a lamp
Roll a 1; You tug and tug to turn the small wheel on the lamp, far too close to the bulbs of the light to have any safe purchase to use your tremendous torque. You grab harder and tighter, you curse and mutter under your breathe "We must have invented a superior method of turning on lamps by now, god damn it I have the internet on my phone, I read facepunch while I shit, but I can't do this?!" your thumb and forefinger begin to bleed, the small ridges and grooves on the knob shredding the skin and turning it to a bloody mist. You turn the knob, and the lamps strikes on, your hands having left horrible sweat stains and blood all over the bulbs, they explode in a shower of glass and tungsten, destroying your hands.
Roll a 20; You stroll into a dark room, you snap your fingers, whisper to yourself "let there be light" and the room is illuminated in a warm, beautiful glow of a pleasant lamp.
I'm really bored.
Go hunting
Roll a 1 : You wander into an abandoned hut, and are captured by a crazy survivalist who's been hiding since the Cold War. Roll again to decide your fate.
Roll a 20 : You find the mystical Golden Bear of Good Luck. He thanks you for not trying to shoot him, and as a token of his gratitude, gives you so much money and luck with the ladies that your mind, literally, blows up. Roll again to see if you survive or not.
Go to sleep
Roll a 1: You stumble in and immediately fall out of bed.
Roll a 20:[IMG]https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/17814996/tumblr_lvhbpfz9bx1qcb5fko1_400.gif[/IMG]
You find a dollar on the sidewalk.
[B]Roll a 1:[/B] As you bend over to collect it, you somehow fold into yourself and vanish. Continue?
[B]Roll a 20:[/B] In one quick motion, you scoop up the dollar. Bringing the bill to your face, you inhale, and enjoy the oddly relaxing scent of a crisp dollar bill. Of course, this is a scent you were all too familiar with, being a multi-millionaire and the head of a large corporation. The bill tickles your perfectly trimmed mustache. You fold the bill, and insert it into your shirt pocket, your pectoral muscles pushing it against the inside of your expensive suit. Looking back down toward the spot where it once lay, you notice a red spot on the sidewalk. Upon closer inspection, you come to find that the spot is actually not made of the same material as the rest of the pavement, and is actually a small piece of metal embedded in a small hole in the sidewalk. You tap on it out of curiosity, and suddenly, you find yourself being blown back by a tremendous force. With only a few small abrasions on your otherwise perfectly smooth skin, you look up. What had erupted out of the sidewalk was a mechanical man. A robot! It had such elegant form! Floating above the fresh hole in the concrete, its crimson coat glistened in the morning sun. Its iron chest was a great, impenetrable shield, and its nuclear-powered fists screamed with raw power. You smiled, and laughed a hearty laugh, patting it on the head like one of your Bengal tiger cubs. It laughed in response. This wasn't just any robot. It was [I]your[/I] robot. Suddenly, it hit you. You knew what you had to do. You lift up the nearest manhole cover and gesture for the great gizmo to follow. Once inside, you take a mighty leap and mount yourself on top of it as if it were a powerful stallion. The robot rockets you through the sewers, your hair flowing majestically in the wind until you reach your destination. You bolt inside to find the Great Emperor of Evil-Doing lounging on his throne, as usual. He takes one look at your chiseled face and cackles. You begin to wade through the lake of dried human skulls, your sidekick of steel close behind. Leaping over the pit of flames and onto the platform where he rules his army of the undead, you boldly peer into his eyes. The righteous glow of your radiant irises lock with the pure hatred and disgust that emanated from his cold, black pupils. It was on.
You and the robot kick his ass.
Fapping
Roll 1: Your dick somehow falls off
Roll 20: You have the greatest fap of your life
Trying to tell a joke to a girl:
Roll 1: You accidentally say something incredibly insensitive about her terminally ill relative.
Roll 20: You make a joke so funny that she laughs herself all the way to orgasm.
You try to be funny at a fancy dinner.
Roll 1: Nuclear War breaks out
Roll 20: You impress the CEO, get a company car, an easy high-paying job, and seventeen girls want in your pants.
making a video game
1: you make something and you plagerized so hard every company sues you and you have to become a slave to the entire industry.
20: your game does so well that you're set for life financially and hailed as a genius in your craft and gain the respect of all around you
[QUOTE=id05245;40552231]making a video game
[b]1: you make something and you plagerized so hard every company sues you and you have to become a slave to the entire industry.[/b]
20: your game does so well that you're set for life financially and hailed as a genius in your craft and gain the respect of all around you[/QUOTE][img]http://i.imgur.com/1lqgnqE.jpg[/img]
It's the Zombie Apocalypse... You decide to roll an old pair of dice for some reason:
You roll a 1: The door to your safe house shatters as a million splinters fly into your torso and a horde of the rotting undead pour through the door. As the disgusting creatures, you realize that instead of grabbing a shotgun, you went to Gamestop and took all of the preorder copies they had and took a pair of dice they had laying around for some reason. Before you can think to grab the knife next to you, the zombies turn you into shredded beef.
You roll a 20: You finish being a fool and grab your shotgun. Outside, you see that all of the zombies have all grown Chuck Norris Beards and wish for you to join. (Please consult the dice you decided were worth something in a zombie apocalypse for advice on this one, Chief.)
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