Tell cool/weird/funny shit that's happened to you.
I was in church with my family (not too religious myself though) and I sat next to an okay looking girl, and I had to try not to look at her, but see, I didn't get very much sleep last night, so my guess is I looked stoned out of my mind just staring at the pastor and not moving for 45 minutes.
My dad takes ambien and one night before taking it he was watching the tv show Spartacus: Blood and Sand.
So like a hour after he took it he is out of his mind and I was looking for something in his room and he starts yelling at me to come over and suck his cock....
Another time he took it and put my mom's thongs on without her know and stripped down and ran through the street in nothing but my mom's thong...
He ordered a plane ticket to China trying to get authentic Chinese food. Yeah this is my life
Ive eatin crayfish cooked for about ten minutes, from a stream, caught in a trap made from a gatorade bottle, fuckin delicious
My friends mom thought I hacked her Facebook account (I didn't)
Needless to say, I am not friends with them anymore.
I'm trying to buy a copy of Super Mario Sunshine off of a guy I haven't met before.
HE WON'T [B]FUCKING TEXT BACK[/B]
My friend hands me his laptop because there is something wrong with it. So I turn it on and the motherfucker has his porn folder right on the desktop. No hiding it, it's just labelled "porn". Then I see an ad pop up at the bottom right. Simple adware right, nothing else? I open Chrome to get MalwareBytes on it, and there I see like 3 or 4 porn sites in the most visited, one PornHub, the others were shady ass looking links. Motherfucker uses Chrome, and he never heard of Incognito Mode. There was like a dozen toolbars, his search is Conduit, and WebCake, and a shit ton of other malware being malware.
I shut the damn thing, and tell him to go get it wiped.
Cut to a few months later and he gets a new laptop. I peek over to see what he's doing and it's already got toolbars and shit. But this time he doesn't have any immediately visible porn, so he's learning, I guess.
aww yes
I love threads like this!
My family has strong ties with SOME (Special Olympics Maine), and as a matter of fact: my late great grandfather (who died earlier this year) was one of the pivotal figures behind the movement. As such, my cousins and myself have been assisting at both the summer and winter events for as long as I can remember. Anyways, so a few years ago, my cousin and I were "assisting" at the summer games at UMO and gramps goes and suggests that we take his personal golf cart - which he has for medical reasons - out for a spin. Being the terrible children that we were, we didn't question it but grabbed the wheel and drove off.
The next thing you know, my aunt (who also works for SOME) hears us being described on a nearby police scanner along with the fact that they have a unit "in pursuit." We kinda left the campus and were driving on public roads and it turns out that someone called the police. :p She called my cousin, told us we were being followed and, surely enough: a white van was following us. My cousin, fearing jail time (we were like 12 lol), lost the van by driving through a bush and onto a bike trail that led into the woods.
I also have a TON of stories that others have shared with me - all real-life experiences.
I just posted this one in another thread:
[quote]My grandfather once worked at Central Maine Medical Center. One day, while working, he discovered two interns leaning out of a window spraying pigeons with transferrin or something. He pulled them back in, took the vial or whatever away, and told them to get back to work.
Years passed, and my grandfather found himself running a small clinic near home. Over time, he learned that his secretary was an ex-druggie who had managed to overcome her addiction and go back to school. My grandfather happened to ask her what had motivated her to start over, and her response was “one day I was lying in a park in Portland, barely conscious and completely stoned when I began to hallucinate. I saw a flock of pink pigeons, and I realized just how crazy I was.”[/quote]
And here's a story about my great uncle:
My great uncle, now deceased, was once employed by a sewage company, emptying portable toilets for a living. One evening, he entered a bar and proceeded to drink until the bartender refused to serve him anymore. Enraged, he left the building only to return a few minutes later. He kicked the door in and marched up to the bartender, armed with the hose from his sewage truck. He apparently said "give me a beer or I'll bury you in shit."
I have a ton of more stories like this I can share if anyone's interested.
i was walking in the shoe mart trying to find cool shoes when larry jenkins a former associate of mine in the clown school was there picking out pickle jars for his son's birthday party.
"larry, long time no see pal."
larry looks to me with a sad disgruntled grimace.
"fuck off trevor."
that was what larry used to say to me a lot in the clown school after i beat him up and took his girlfriend. he always frowns when i'm around him but i know deep down that he's ok with everything and that he's just joking around.
i left the mart and went back home in my caddy when a crazy old bitch tried to cross the road and i hit her.
she did 2 frontflips and a quadruple somersault in the air before falling on her old bitchface. i think she died, either way i drove the hell out of there.
i came home with the new pickle jars just in time for timothy's birthday party. all his friends were there, like roscoe and leroy (boys he met online, they're 40) and of course his mother and my wife phillis. we all sat and drank in the backyard talking about the new things that happened during today's day.
"i saw larry jenkins today" i said.
roscoe and leroy were passed out from drinking too much windex and timothy was sleeping and phillis was upstairs. i was talking to nobody.
"he aged well" i said before shedding a tear
[editline]a[/editline]
10:46 PM - limbertsexual: give me credit in the story at least
10:46 PM - limbertsexual: STORY CREDITS: SLACKER996
Back at school in the year before my last one, around two months before the finals, we got this new principal who thought she was hot shit. She kept making up stupid rules and punishing people for imaginary mistakes, and basically running roughshod over staff and students alike, she even came near to firing one of my favorite teachers. Needless to say, she wasn't popular with the staff or the students.
I paid her out by sneaking out into school early before the morning assembly started, armed with a fresh baked banana cream pie from the baker's down at the next street, climbed onto the large balcony near the school's entrance, and waited for her to arrive in her fancy car. As she stepped out of it, I let fly with my pie, and splatted her with one of the best throws I e'er made in all my life.
While she was raging and storming about, seeking the source of the disturbance, I carefully slipped out back to my classroom, after hiding the pie dish in a corner of the old attic. She screamed and yelled about the whole thing, covered in bananas, from the stage, but never could she find out who did it. Next week, she turned in her notice, saying to the head that she didn't want to stay any longer in a school whose students treated her so badly. Well madam, if you'd have been more reasonable with us from the beginning, you wouldn't have been brained by a pie.
Went to school drunk on my 17th, which was also the day of one of my last school excursions. I wanted to have D&Ms with people on the bus to the excursion. What actually happened was my friend I catches the train with to school was constantly pissing himself at the things I was doing (after half a bottle of bourbon), I looked like a clown in front of my classmates while waiting for the bus, ended up being forced to stay in the library all day and the principal offered me counselling. Yeah it was a dumb thing to do but I do look back on that day and think that it was fun while it lasted,
Then for a friend's 18th I had a whole bottle of bourbon in half an hour. Had a go at a random person, ended up soaking my favourite jeans in vomit, they left me in my car to pass out that night and apparently I accidentally set my car alarm off at least twice during the middle of the night. In a similar story I finished off a goon bag and had a late night stroll through a bad neighbourhood, lost my fur hat completely and my mobile phone for half an hour (found it in the middle of a road using my drunk detective skills). Some dude pulled over in his car near me so i ran home. Yeah alcohol is the story of my life, not things to be proud of but stories none the less.
-snip-
I forget most of the specifics, but when my dad used to work in rock and roll, Gene Simmons gave my dad an envelope of pictures of him having sex with some girl.
I had some quick mashed potatoes once, which expired in 2007, but it was still damn delicious.
[QUOTE=deckief;42851849]I forget most of the specifics, but when my dad used to work in rock and roll, Gene Simmons gave my dad an envelope of pictures of him having sex with some girl.[/QUOTE]
We're going to need evidence on this one.
One time I dreamed of eating a giant marshmallow and when I woke up my pillow was gone
i once bought a burger and when leaving, some grumpy guy said to me
[I]don't get cold by drinking Coca-Cola[/I]
and i guess the guy is deaf, because what i actually had as a drink was Sprite
and somehow, it sounded like a threat
[QUOTE=Durrsly;42853148]We're going to need evidence on this one.[/QUOTE]
Not like he still has it. He does have a bunch of old tickets/posters/VIP passes.
Was wanking.
Father came in.
Father left.
Father came back in a few minutes later.
Father suggested redtube.
Father left.
once when I was about 3 or 4 I was being a jackassa nd decided to run in and out of my apartment complex, so eventually after doing this a few times I ended up getting locked out for like ten minutes in my spiderman pajamas and had to bang on the windows for my mom to let me in (we were on the ground floor) and when she got me she was pissed
I was out playing with my friends, playing basketball and stuff like that, when a couple of guys, they were obviously up to no good. They were known for starting trouble wherever they went, they started a fight with me and my friends, we beat the shit out of them though. Well I get home and my mom sees what happened and realizes how dangerous this neighborhood really is. She said, "You goin' home to your auntie and your uncle in Bel Air."
[QUOTE=Zakkin;42853445]Was wanking.
Father came in.
Father left.
Father came back in a few minutes later.
Father suggested redtube.
Father left.[/QUOTE]
I remember when redtube was the most extreme thing I'd ever seen sex-wise.
Then I discovered motherless
I was able to successfully convince my gullible friend that I skipped 2 years in elementary school, I have a penis and a vagina, and that I am pro at SSBM
My old neighborhood had a drained and cleaned out canal that was on one end of it and its sides were at around 30 degree angles and were covered in solid concrete. One day, my friends and I came up with the brilliant idea of taping cardboard boxes that were big enough for us to sit in (we were 7-8 years old at the time) to our skateboards and racing them down the side. So we spent 5 minutes on making the "street sleds" as we called them and went to the canal. So, this idea of ours went about as good as you'd expect; around 2 seconds after we started going downhill we ended up crashing into each other and tumbling down. We were all bruised up the next day... I don't think I ever told my parents about this.
[QUOTE=titopei;42856257]I was able to successfully convince my gullible friend that I skipped 2 years in elementary school, I have a penis and a vagina, and that I am pro at SSBM[/QUOTE]
Now what if he goes and mentions to everyone how he has a friend who has a penis and a vagina?
I remember me and some friends used to take a jump rope, tie it to the seat on one of our bikes, then tie the other end to a long board. We used to go all over the neighborhood towing each other around, hahah.
When my dad was a kid he got fired from his first job when he fell asleep on a smokestack at an oil refinery.
It was way back in 6th grade, at a catholic summer camp retreat with some friends. We are usually up till after midnight or so before being dismissed to cabins, and we have to get up at around 6 am, so we're all really tired.
First guy to get up claims dibs on the big shower, and rushes off to it. We're all still waking up when he comes barreling back into the room, shouting: "SOMEONE TOOK A SHIT IN THE SHOWER!" Of course, this wakes us all up and we go rushing into the bathrooms, and sure enough, there sits a pile of ass-butter.
Now, you should know, [I]that this was no ordinary shit[/I]. It wasn't chunky, it legitimately looked like pancake mix the moment you pour it into the pan. I'm saying this shit looked like goddamn Chocoalte Malt-O-Meal.
It turns out, it was none of the people in our cabin, and some kid from another cabin had to have come in the middle of the night and carried out the crime.
Of course, we all start flipping out, laughing and sobbing our 12-year-old asses off. One of the counselors comes by, and notifies, idk what to call them, the "camp authorities"? :/
So, we all have to sit down and get a 'talking-to', since they think it was one of us. Now, the main room of this cabin had these really cushy comfy seats lined up, so we are just laying back enjoying it while being scolded, all the while trying not to burst out laughing as the "camp authority" man is yelling red-faced about how:
"One of the nice young girls that works here has to clean up, because one of you 'couldn't find the toilet'"
The whole time through his rant, I was thinking one thing... I wanted [B]so[/B] badly to stand up and say it, but I knew it would not end well.
"Hey man, shit happens."
(Forgive me if this seems childish, but hey, I was 12 at the time.)
[B]Edit:[/B] I've got a ton of great stories from that camp, I might post more depending on how this one is received.
There was a kid in my 6th grade class who believed everything he was told, and I convinced him that my dad is a sleeper agent for the Antarctican military and that there is a secret war going on between Brazil and Antarctica. He spent the rest of the day telling everyone about this.
I don't know if this is entertaining enough but I like this story.
We were having a party at a friends house once. Let's call him friend A. When I left, somewhere in the middle of the night, another friend (friend B) also wanted to go home, so we were going together. Then he saw some random car in front of the house and he said to me "Hey dude, I never ripped off the number plates from a car, I think I'm going to try this now". He was also drunk and stuff and he thought it's the coolest thing you could do. I said "I don't know dude, you really wanna do this? Somebody could see it and call the cops" - "Ah, fuck it". So friend B ripped off the numberplates and took them with him. I just stood there and watched. On our way home we came across a public mailbox where he threw the numberplates in. So he didn't even kept his "trophies".
Then the next day in school (we were in 12th grade or something), we both met friend A again who hosted the party and we were telling him the little story. But he got suspicious and asked "Infront of our house? What did the car look like?". Friend B answered "Oh it wasn't your car man! It was a random car ...a blue Volkswagen. I'm no idiot.". After friend A replied "Wow dude, that's my aunts car you stupid shit" I couldn't stop laughing and friend B kept excusing the whole day.
So my grandparents have an apartment at this high class neighbourhood on the beach, and i was over there with a friend once and we got completely shitfaced out of my brother's vodka, we went for a walk on the beach (it was 1am), and there was this one flock of birds that wouldn't shut the fuck up in the middle of the sand.
For some reason i thought it would be a good idea to tell my friend to throw one of his flip flops at the birds, and he actually did it, the next thing i remember we're full on sprinting on the middle of the beach being followed by an angry flock of birds, after we ran almost a kilometer(about half a mile) we noticed the birds weren't after us anymore and we came back for his flip flop.
When we got there, we noticed the waves were a bit high on the sand because of the time, and as it turns out the flip flop was taken by the sea.
Being the stubborn idiots we were, we actually stayed there using our cellphones to light up the side of the beach for almost an hour.
We eventually found fucking flip flop, which seemed like an impossible task even when we were drunk.
It was my 16th birthday and it made me fucking terrified of those long legged birds that are on that beach ever since.
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