Battlefield 3 v4: Now with 20% more teamwork - Games

[QUOTE=Confuzzed Otto;34399465]Daw. I don't have B2K yet.[/QUOTE] It's really worth picking up when you have the money. :smile:

Was playing Gulf of Oman on the USA side, the helicopter pilot must've been a god damn amputee as the helicopter was drifting sideways instead of flying fucking straight, but that is not the point of this story. The point of this story is that the population of fucking imbeciles in this game turns me into a bit of a sadist. Basically the helicopter by some unknown god damn miracle made it above the beach before the inevitable jet came to put it out of it's misery, I knew it was time to jump the instant I heard the lock on knowing that this idiot would not deploy flares at the proper time. Sure enough I am floating lazily down and moments later I see the disabled helicopter crashing into the beach. Now then to the actual story. Upon landing I see the anti-infantry tank that you get from the construction site driving along the beach, and for reasons that no one will ever know (what do dogs think?) the god damn thing drives into the water towards the sand bar and understandably slows down to the pace of snail. Except this snail is a huge, shiny tank and it decides to start taking pot shots at the viper coming from the carrier. The viper of course sends a barrage missiles on this once tank now dimwitted floating turd of a vehicle. Now then, this thing has a pretty decent speed on land and to be honest he wasn't even that far out in the fucking water yet. So what does this beacon of human intelligence fucking do to defend himself from the basic low damage, non-lock missiles that the viper spams? He deploys his fucking infrared smoke. For non-lock on missiles. In the middle of the water. Like holy fucking shit I am just sitting here on the beach eating some ramen noodles watching this hilarious event unfold wondering how the fuck that was supposed to help him. It basically went from being a small sitting duck for just the viper to making a huge plume of smoke that told everyone in the god damn vicinity that "HEY THERE IS SOME VEHICLE IN THE WATER HERE COME ATTACK ME FUCKWARDS". But oh, it gets even better and comes to the point of how I mentioned that this game turns me into a sadist. So by now I am sprinting across the beach and reach the shore directly in front of the smoke plume which about 20 feet or so out in the water. All of you must be aware how little damage viper basic missiles do individually and how most of the rockets miss on strafe runs, so this anti-infantry tank was probably at pretty much high health (assuming 80%) and I am gauging through the smoke how close this thing is to the sand bar and if I should risk swimming out to C4 the thing. The smoke clears and instead of seeing this thing advance on its suicide journey towards the carrier or see it turning back towards the beach I see it floating there WITH THE STUPID MOTHER FUCKER ABANDONING IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WATER SWIMMING BACK TOWARDS SHORE. The god damn thing doesn't even have a scratch on it and this stupid fucking shit for brains is swimming back towards shore acting like the thing is about to nuclear. So here is where the sadist part comes in. Most of my posts have probably informed all of you about how much I fucking loathe stupidity and I decide that this bitch is in for a treat. Of course when in the water you can not use any weapons or defend yourself and you are pretty much moving at the speed of a one legged turtle in the middle of a hurricane. We have all been there. So I decided to make this the most painful experience for this cunt. I wade into the shallows of the water before him, right to the point where it is about to drop off into deep water that makes you swim. He comes to a stop and sits there floating with an "oh shit I am fucked" air around him. I stand there a good 5 seconds then with a plop drop a C4 package into the water directly at the point where he would be able to stand up and shoot. The devolved human to whom we will now refer to as the species of Fucktardis Sapien sits there for a second trying to wrap his brain about what is currently happening. The beautiful thing about these creatures is even in game you can pretty much sense their emotions and what they are thinking, and I can pretty much tell you that a broken light bulb might as well spawned above his head as he thought out an idea. His glorious plan was to try and swim further down the beach and come up on land 10 feet down and eliminate his obviously inferior adversary. So I walk (note: not sprint, fucking walk) along the beach as Fucktardis Sapien tries to out swim me, every time he tries to drift close to shore I throw a C4 out at him. Fucktardis sapien as a species lacks the coordination to swim in a straight line, or the intelligence to know that only have 7 C4 on my body. This combination gives me enough time to jump throw an ammo box in front of me and keep my supply of C4 steady. But oh this gets so much better, for my squad isn't just any squad, oh no the fucking planets had aligned for this exact god damn moment. For you see, on my squad WAS SOMEONE WHO HAD A FUCKING MIC AND WAS MEMBER OF THE HOMO SAPIEN GROUP. Also me and him had been together for the last 3 fucking games so we were on good terms and constantly chatting. So as me and Fucktardis Sapien continue our lovely stroll down the beach, the beautiful sound of a war machine begins to fill the air. This Fucktardis seemed to at least be a bit more evolved from his kin as the dipshit had enough hearing to stop and swivel in the water to see what nightmare was in store for him. My dear friend was fucking speeding over the waves on a beautiful, sleek jet boat driving straight towards Fucktardis. He wasn't driving at an angle or alongside the beach, he was going fucking ramming speed directly from open water right towards Fucktardis and the beach as a result me. This was a gorgeous situation for a couple of reasons, and if violence was a fetish, at that moment I would of had a raging boner. First, this position sandwiched Fucktardis between me and the boat, giving him no option but to either go to shore or become a shit stain on the hull. Second, I had taken this time to pile all of my C4 directly on the spot he would have to swim up to. And finally, oh god the most beautiful thing about our plan, on the fucking hull that glistened like fire in the god damn sun sat all my of my squad mate's fucking C4. At this point Fucktardis gained up speed in the water, probably propelled by the sheer force of shitting himself in fear and decided that he would take his chance on the beach with my C4. Whether he was planning to get on the shore and try to get a shot in on me or if he was simply hoping to try and dodge the blast, I do not know. For at the moment Fucktardis arrived on shore, my mate's boat had caught up to him. The next few milliseconds all happened in fucking slow motion, my friend's boat hit some uneven shallow water letting him both eject out and giving the boat just enough air to be directly behind Fucktardis. Right at this point Fucktardis' hobbled his fucking cunt right over my C4. It was one of those moments that nothing has to be said, you can just FEEL it is time, both of us detonated at the exact same fucking time. The resulting explosion looked like shit out of michael fucking bay movie, the fireball engulfed the shore with water and sand flying fucking everywhere and out of the flames the burning wreckage of the boat flew twisting over my head and landed about 30 ft behind me. The most satisfying thing however came from the beautiful invention that is rag doll physics. I watched as Fucktardis's limp body cartwheeled vertically up, his legs and arms stuck out like he was making a fucking snow angel. He rose up into the air gracefully spinning, until he slowly came to a stop and sat there suspended for what felt like ages then slowly began his descent. All was silent as he gained up speed then landed headfirst at my feet with loud THUD. My friend unfortunately got the kill, but it was still one of the greatest feelings I had ever experienced in the game. I am sure Fucktardis is now somewhere in the big battlefield in the sky, knifing an enemy tank.

[QUOTE=PieClock;34399607]It's really worth picking up when you have the money. :smile:[/QUOTE] Well. I think I have 15€ on my bank card, but I am not really sure. Do you guys know if you can pay both with card and cash?

Anybody else annoyed by the retarded lens flare + color grading? I wish there was an option to turn it off, because god damn, I'm getting annoyed by this stupid "your eyes are cameras now, son!" and desaturation shit. I mean, look at how good it can look without the stupid color correction + lens flare: [url]http://files.technofovea.com/dice_rendering_screens.swf[/url]

B2k maps are now in the rotation. Should I also switch the server to hardcore or leave it on normal?

I'm getting really sick of this game and it's performance bullshit. The first two weeks I had it, it ran fucking perfectly. Nary a hitch, glitch, or anything else. Now I can't play a single fucking game without massive graphical lag or a multitude of annoying and generally unhelpful graphical glitches. The game's personal favourite that always shows up at the worst time and RUINS EVERYTHING is my weapons going invisible, thus keeping me from using Ironsights and know where I'm shooting. And it seems now every time I get into a helicopter GRAPHICAL LAG AHOY. Oh look it's the ground.

Leave it normal Pie.

holy fuck Fisk and his tank skills. Me and and my squadmates flying in the Venom to capture the Airfield on Wake when out of fucking nowhere we get hit and, in a cinematic way from my POV, crash into the river. MASS CONFUSION EVERYWHERE "WTF" "HOLY CRAP" and then we hopelessly swim towards the shore while we see Fisk in his tank just mocking us and his shots flying past us. God damn. Battlefield moment right there.

The ground on Wake is like some super absorbent rubber material making all crashes from planes and helis nose forward into it just bounce a little, not even a scratch.

Damn, got my bf3 back after arguing with EA for AGES... And guess what guys? It was better than I remembered.

[QUOTE=LEETNOOB;34399880]Anybody else annoyed by the retarded lens flare + color grading? I wish there was an option to turn it off, because god damn, I'm getting annoyed by this stupid "your eyes are cameras now, son!" and desaturation shit. I mean, look at how good it can look without the stupid color correction + lens flare: [url]http://files.technofovea.com/dice_rendering_screens.swf[/url][/QUOTE] That's a really good comparison, although I think lens flare + glare make it look better; after that it progressively gets worse. Why DICE why.

[QUOTE=DaMastez;34400217]That's a really good comparison, although I think lens flare + glare make it look better; after that it progressively gets worse. Why DICE why.[/QUOTE] I think that both the CC and the lens flare are not supposed to be there. Especially the lens flare because, you know, OUR EYES ARE NOT CAMERAS.

There. Tomorrow I will buy B2K so I can play with you guys

[QUOTE=LEETNOOB;34399880]Anybody else annoyed by the retarded lens flare + color grading? I wish there was an option to turn it off, because god damn, I'm getting annoyed by this stupid "your eyes are cameras now, son!" and desaturation shit. I mean, look at how good it can look without the stupid color correction + lens flare: [url]http://files.technofovea.com/dice_rendering_screens.swf[/url][/QUOTE] Holy jesus, [del]16[/del] 15 looks amazing, and then it just gets ruined with the tinting and glare and shit.

[QUOTE=PieClock;34400066]B2k maps are now in the rotation. Should I also switch the server to hardcore or leave it on normal?[/QUOTE] Went from "Holy shit, add some AA and that will be sexy as fuck" to "That's HORRIBLE compared to the first one". Give me some natural colors please. Some balance between 15-16 would be perfect.

[QUOTE=vexx21322;34400431]Holy jesus, 16 looks amazing, and then it just gets ruined with the tinting and glare and shit.[/QUOTE] 16 has glare according to the thing at the top, but I agree 16 is the best.

[QUOTE=1chains1;34399837]Was playing Gulf of Oman on the USA side, the helicopter pilot must've been a god damn amputee as the helicopter was drifting sideways instead of flying fucking straight, but that is not the point of this story. The point of this story is that the population of fucking imbeciles in this game turns me into a bit of a sadist. Basically the helicopter by some unknown god damn miracle made it above the beach before the inevitable jet came to put it out of it's misery, I knew it was time to jump the instant I heard the lock on knowing that this idiot would not deploy flares at the proper time. Sure enough I am floating lazily down and moments later I see the disabled helicopter crashing into the beach. Now then to the actual story. *Documentary on Fucktardis Sapien*[/QUOTE]The most beautiful thing I've read this week.

[QUOTE=imMonkeyGOD;34342777]Made this for that Only in Battlefield thing. -video- If any of you guys encountered a guy holding a grenade moving around like an idiot with 30 deaths, sorry bout that.[/QUOTE] Jesus Christ, this actually looks [I]better[/I] than some trailers DICE puts out. [sp]But that's just my opinion.[/sp]

Ugh I have no idea why, but I am doing much worse with the M98 than I was with the M40, even though the M98 supposidly has less bullet drop, more damage, and faster rounds. The M40 I was able to headshot with ease, but a lot of times with my M98 I'll shoot and either always miss, or just miss the head. [editline]26th January 2012[/editline] Also, it's kind of irrating how many "pro" heli/jet pilots there are now. I've noticed that whichever team has the career jet pilot or heli pilot that has all the "pro" unlock combos, will always win in a massive landslide. Same thing for tank drivers that only do tank, and have all the best unlocks. I think this is a major reason (along with there never being any kind of team scramble when a landslide defeat happens) that 95% of BF3 games in this day and age will always be landslide defeats or wins, with one team being utterly crushed. I'd be curious to see how infantry-only games play out in conquest when you no longer have to go against the tank/jet/heli player that never dies and tops the scoreboards.

[QUOTE=LEETNOOB;34399880]Anybody else annoyed by the retarded lens flare + color grading? I wish there was an option to turn it off, because god damn, I'm getting annoyed by this stupid "your eyes are cameras now, son!" and desaturation shit. I mean, look at how good it can look without the stupid color correction + lens flare: [url]http://files.technofovea.com/dice_rendering_screens.swf[/url][/QUOTE] They should have stopped at step 15. That there is what the game should have looked like. But DICE insists on blinding us with the suns lens flares and continuing to slap depressingly washed out color grading on all the maps.

The server needs populating.

[QUOTE=Akasori;34401073]The server needs populating.[/QUOTE] Yeah, it's pretty empty because of the shit with PB and all that.

Guess who just got BF3... ...and who's DVD drive doesn't works for some fucking reason...

[QUOTE=dass;34401797]Guess who just got BF3... ...and who's DVD drive doesn't works for some fucking reason...[/QUOTE] Try and enter the CD-key in Origin.

Oh its fixed now, just used another SATA plug on the drive and it works now. And apparently I already have an Origin account. Lovely. I'll have to download it... POS drive...

I thought I would be able to get away from the spawncamping 12 year old autists on mw3 but apparently they followed me to BF3.

[QUOTE=Kai-ryuu;34402228]I thought I would be able to get away from the spawncamping 12 year old autists on mw3 but apparently they followed me to BF3.[/QUOTE] Thats very specific, How many of these people are there?

I come bearing good news for monkeygod if he doesn't already know, [url=http://www.battlefield.com/battlefield3/1/only-in-battlefield3]his video is in DICE's top ten picks from the only in battlefield 3[/url].

[QUOTE=gazzy_GUI;34402430]I come bearing good news for monkeygod if he doesn't already know, [url=http://www.battlefield.com/battlefield3/1/only-in-battlefield3]his video is in DICE's top ten picks from the only in battlefield 3[/url].[/QUOTE] :dance:

Dude you're so gonna win this shit.