When i was 6-7 i had a hamster, breeze. I loved that hamster, i always made sure to feed her, refill her water, all the things i promised to do when i got her, and i loved the way she curled up when she slept. Then one day, when i woke up she didn't.
Damn
This thread actually made me shed a few tears.
[editline]13th July 2013[/editline]
Makes me see how lucky I've been in life
Toss-up between all the times my ex cheated on me and lied to me, and when my dad pulled a gun on my mom when he was drunk and threatened to kill her. My dad used to be a really vicious drunk. He never hit me or my brother, but he was always screaming and breaking shit, calling my mom everything bad he could think of. I only used to see him for maybe 5 minutes a week because he never came home. It's better now though. They divorced because he cheated and now I visit him twice a week.
I've lost two dogs within two years and dealt with the pain of losing a close friend.
So, not a fun two years.
[QUOTE=Zarjk;41438545]I've lost two dogs within two years and dealt with the pain of losing a close friend.
So, not a fun two years.[/QUOTE]
Can I hug you
If you want.
My brother possibly can read this too, if he does, I still
need to process what has happened at May 19th, 2009, barely
4 blocks away from our house.
The day begun nice, my brother went out to buy a new computer,
my dad was repairing the dishwasher, mom was out to a public farm.
Then my grandfather was driving his Hyundai Atos, which he had for
only one month, in the street near us, a fairly busy market / recreation
street, that's where he died. He had a heart attack while he was driving...
The last time I had seen him alive was a week ago, when he was playing pool
with his friends, thinking back to it, when I saw his eyes that day, they looked
sad, he wasn't feeling right for so long.
I never really took the chance to tell this, not on a forum nor known ones.
[QUOTE=Merijnwitje;41440383]My brother possibly can read this too, if he does, I still
need to process what has happened at May 19th, 2009, barely
4 blocks away from our house.
The day begun nice, my brother went out to buy a new computer,
my dad was repairing the dishwasher, mom was out to a public farm.
Then my grandfather was driving his Hyundai Atos, which he had for
only one month, in the street near us, a fairly busy market / recreation
street, that's where he died. He had a heart attack while he was driving...
The last time I had seen him alive was a week ago, when he was playing pool
with his friends, thinking back to it, when I saw his eyes that day, they looked
sad, he wasn't feeling right for so long.
I never really took the chance to tell this, not on a forum nor known ones.[/QUOTE] No offense, but you're confusing the hell out of me.
Might be the posting style
My Grandmother died just after Christmas. Basically, for the last 5 or so years my Uncle and his boyfriend (yes he is gay) had 'looked' after her. Up until a few months before she slipped into the final stages of Dementia I hadn't been able to visit her for a long time because simply put, my Uncle has been manipulated since day 1 of his relationship with his boyfriend. After an incident where I agreed to look after my Grandmother for a night while they went to some shitty club, only for them to come back 6 hours late at 3 AM in the morning, piss drunk, I ended up getting real pissed off with them. Then they wouldn't let me visit.
The two of them are fucking useless. Amongst other things, they:
-Refused to give ice cream or any chocolate (her favorite things) to my Grandmother because my Uncle's boyfriend didn't want to face the prospect of dealing with rare diarrhea as a result
-Never took her to be treated for ingrown toenails even though the money to do so was offered
-The BF (who from this point on I'll just refer to as 'Sam') lost his job (before the incident even) and up until very recently made an endless well of excuses as to why he couldn't work.
-In addition he never did any housework, ironing, washing, cooking or anything like that, leaving my Uncle to do it all as well as working full time.
-They spent a shit ton of my Grandmother's money getting wasted almost every single day in the 2 months before her death, and buying stupid luxury items like Ipads, sound systems, a pair of flatscreen TV's and new phones.
-They have never, ever had to worry about their home being repossessed, having lived in my Grandmother's all their lives and have never really had to worry about total financial ruin thanks to her money. They claim they have had it hard.
The funeral was one of the most disgusting days in my entire life. The Eulogy was a fucking disgrace. It was about their contributions and all the things they did and about how great they were and what sacrifices they made to help my Grandmother, when in fact during the last months of her life they had paid for Nurses and Carers to come in constantly to do everything for her.
It mentioned nothing about what I, my family and others had done for her. 'Sam' even made a fucking poem about how nice she was. I handed them a piece of writing that I wanted to say (nothing to ruin the mood, mentioning how shit they had been, just about my Grandmother) but they 'forgot' it on the day of the funeral, so I got to say nothing. I could make a post just as big as the entirety of this one about all the shit they pulled with the solicitors and all the nasty bile 'Sam' spat out after and just before the funeral.
My Uncle isn't actually that bad of a person. He's just weak in his relationships and easily manipulated.
I wanted it to be short and sweet but that's almost all of it. Its been absolutely shit having to cope with it.
We were a group of 4 that always hanged around when we were outside, at school or in the internet.
There was me, my best friend and two other twins. One of them got sick and eventually stopped going to school. We would then visit him once in a while, he seemed alright although his skin color was looking oddly different.
One day, my best friend came to my house, he woke me up and simply said "___ died, let's go to the church." I didn't know what to say or to think the entire time I was taking a bath and walking alongside him to the church. What's weird is that the church is right in front of my house. We were the first there, arriving before his family. More of our friends arrived and no one mentioned a word about him or what happened.
His caskets arrived and they put him inside and told us we could come in. We all looked at each other but no one moved until I, for some reason, decided to be the first one going in. I literally can't remember any moment of that day besides looking at his face, seeing friends and relatives cry and saying hanging out with my friends at the local park after leaving the church. I was so confused with the entire situation. I remember when we left church and his brother said: "What am i going to do without him? He was everything to me, now he's gone." while hugging his mother.
To this day, I've only seen two of those friends, about two times, his twin brother moved away to another city and we never talked again and thinking about it now this entire thing is just weird to me. Everyone moved on with their lives right after this and only me and my best friend still talk to each other everyday.
I don't know how anyone deals with a close one dying but I learned to live without a great person and friend everyone liked, although there is hardly a day his name doesn't come to my mind. I miss him so much and wonder how much my life would be different if he was still alive. I'm extremely happy that his twin brother is living well now.
I didn't want to sound cheesy or anything but, remember to be strong in mind and don't let yourself deny your friends or let them down. They are the only real things that can keep you happy, no matter what.
[QUOTE=Zarjk;41438545]I've lost two dogs within two years and dealt with the pain of losing a close friend.
So, not a fun two years.[/QUOTE]
I understand how you feel. In seven years, my mother and father got divorced, he ran away to another country, I was almost diagnosed with cancer(Thankfully it was something that wasn't harmful at all), my friend died, my grandmother from my dad's side died on the 24th of December this past year and one of my pets died. The amount of stress can be horrible.
Knowing the fact that we'll put down my dog in about a month, man its gonna be hard to go to school when my dog's gone, I'll most likely have some breakdowns in school, but fuck it. I also lost my uncle the 12th of September 2010, still cry about it to this day. I'm still glad that I haven't gone through some of the stuff that you guys have gone through, my respect to you for going through it.
[QUOTE=Lolikitten;41418602]My long distance boyfriend left today after we spent 3 weeks together...ouch.. :([/QUOTE]
I'll be back, hun.
My favorite cat dying due to eating a neighbors poisonous plants when he was young; I was like 5-6. My parents divorcing and me moving inbetween them a whole bunch (different countries.)
[editline]13th July 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=Maw;41435444]Seeing the last facial expression of a little bird, which I could have helped, being run over by a car.
and
Accidentally killing a little bird, which I WANTED to help, by giving it too much water, seeing it twitching in a last struggle.
I don't have any pity or compassion for humans.[/QUOTE]
I find it strange that most people and even myself are conditioned to be more emotional and empathetic towards animals rather than humans; as if the animals are actually suffering more than the humans are.
Logically and rationally it makes more sense to care for human suffering as the raw amount of emotional and physical stress they can comprehend is higher. But we value innocence over what is really happening.
I do it too; but it never made sense to me.
My grandpa, aunt, and best friend, died in the same year last year :c
[sp]Spoilers for FF7[/sp]
[URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wx3duFYCcho"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wx3duFYCcho[/URL]
Never forget.
Having to put down my second cat.
She was really special to us.
Another one.
The other week I was at my grandfather's house. He's currently dying of old age and the effects from heavy smoking earlier in life, to the point where he can't even get out of bed anymore because of how week he is. He asked to speak to me alone for a minute.
He told me he had been planning to travel to sweden where there's a business that operates in assisted suicide, because it's one of the only countries where it's legal. But before he could inform us and leave, it was too late, and he was too weak to travel there.
Now I have to just live with the feeling of how much pain he has to go through, feeling so helpless, and how he won't get the dignified death he wanted, and really deserved.
Theres a lot, but I would have to say my dad trying to shoot my mom when we were little.
He came home drunk one time, started yelling at her, then got his pistol out of the wardrobe and tried to shoot her. Lucky for my mom, it jammed. He didn't even get arrested, he just got pissed off, threw the pistol in the pond, and left.
This happened when I was around 5 or 6, all while I was sitting against the wall, terrified.
Now, my father is wasting away from alchohol abuse, and despite being a pretty shitty person, I feel a bit of pity for him, being that he's most likely going to be in the ground before I reach twenty.
When she broke up with her boyfriend and then immediately hooked up with another guy I knew.
In hindsight I never had a chance but god damn that was horrible. I literally felt like a hole was blown through my chest, I think it was the fact that I was so excited and then only to be smashed back down 5 seconds later.
[QUOTE=Ian;41409588]seeing my father's mental health deteriorate from a perfectly kind and intelligent man to a man who thought he worked for the CIA; seeing the same man drink heavily and beat my mother, hearing them yelling all the time, and knowing that he was still the man who was my father was almost too much to bear when i was growing up.
that is, until we came home from my grandparents' house to find his body on the back deck.
i don't know why he killed himself and i won't ever know. all i know was the shock and heartbreak i felt when i saw him there.[/QUOTE]
So, he was schizophrenic?
Also, mine was just recently, when I was medically discharged from the Army.
Waking up waiting at the balcony for hours and not seeing my mommy come back from work when I was 6 (she took another man and flew to america without an goodbye over the night, she wanted to start all over) then I realized that mommy is not coming back and asked my brothers and my father who simply nodded "yes" to my question.
Yes that broke my heart into as many pieces as possible.
3 years ago my, my grandfather was able to talk, laugh, drive his car, walk, and those kind of things.
Suddenly everything just snapped for him, he's got alzheimers disease, he turned senile, and a bunch of other shit I can't name. He's now bound to a wheelchair and can't even live in his own home or pee without help anymore. He just sits there in his wheelchair on his room at the eldery, day in and day out and stares out the window.
My mom visits him as often as she can, and me and my brother goes with her sometimes. He get's really happy everytime me and my brother visits him since we're his only grandchildren, but he can't show it, we're all he has left in his life (if you can even call it that now). You can see he's in pain all the time because of his legs, judging from his facial expressions, he always looks sad and like he's gonna burst into tears any second. He's also pissed off all the time too, because of the pain. If there's something he wants handed to he's gonna have a hard time telling us, he just points and groans. If you're unsure of what he wants, and you for example pick up the TV remote and asks him if that is what he wants, he'll just go "Nooo...", if you keep picking up the wrong item he just gets more and more angry for every failed attempt. He also suffers from major depression and has pretty much given up on life, but he can't do shit about it.
I can barely stand visiting him anymore because seeing him like that just pains my heart, because I know he'll never return to his former happy self. The doctors didn't think he would live past christmas 2011, but oddly he's still alive. A few months ago he suffered from a stroke which he survived. We visited him in the hospital and it was the worst I've ever seen him, I just wanted to get out ASAP, it was absolutely terrible to see him in that condition.
I fear that the day when his time has come is not far away, not because I want him to be relieved from his pain, because I want him to, he's lived his life. He's ready to go but the reaper will not come and give him peace. I fear that day because it will completely break my mom, I'm not sure how she will handle it, and I'm not sure how I will handle seeing my mom trying to go through it.
My grandmother's death.
My dad doesn't have much family left. He rarely sees us, and my grandmother called not often, but at times she asked if we were doing alright. I just kept replying with "yes,yes,yes" and eventually we both said bye. Then I heard that she was supposed to have an operation, which would help her live longer, but she didn't take it. Everyone knew it was coming. She even came to visit one last time while she was still on her feet. Even then I was mostly quiet, evenknow I joined the dinner table. After a few weeks... she died. We went to Pärnu for her funeral, and seeing a member of my family in a coffin.. I couldn't hold my tears back. I felt shit that I just let her go like that. I should've been more talkitive to her, I should've been more open, but NO, I had to be a little prick.
I regret not bringing up more conversation when she called. I regret being so closed. Now she's gone and I can't do shit about it, but regret myself.
I promised to myself that the only grandma I have left, I will be the best damn grandson she ever had. To make up for the bastard I was before.
[QUOTE=lifehole;41444795]
I find it strange that most people and even myself are conditioned to be more emotional and empathetic towards animals rather than humans; as if the animals are actually suffering more than the humans are.
Logically and rationally it makes more sense to care for human suffering as the raw amount of emotional and physical stress they can comprehend is higher. But we value innocence over what is really happening.
I do it too; but it never made sense to me.[/QUOTE]
Though, you see, you cannot measure sadness on a scale for an animal or human. It depends on how emotionaly attached you were.
I've had one mug for the past 20 years. I remember meticulously cleaning it at several points, to the point where other than a single chip on the lip, it looks brand new.
A few weeks ago I dropped it and smashed it in to several pieces, and for reasons I don't know, I actually started crying. It was the most heartbreaking moment for me in recent memory, and I still cannot comprehend why it upsets me so much.
I'll share a life story of pain, Hatred and self loathing which gave way to something entirely else. When i had just started my schooling, there was a boy who i looked up to in kindergarten, while he was in 3rd grade. I was following him past school grounds and he took me behind a building and raped me twice. When they found me, i was curled up in a little ball on the edge of the field, and wouldn't tell them what happened, After some questioning i told them and the kid was tried or something i don't remember. From then on i grew cold, Colder than a child of that age should be.
Throughout elementary school, I was picked on, and beaten up regularly. One time i remember with clarity, when i was alone after school, and basically attacked from behind and kicked, until 4 of my teeth were broken or out entirely. I had two broken ribs, and passed out from the pain. This was 4th grade. It gets worse in 5th grade. Everyone started making fun of me. I was the odd one out. I encroached in my own thoughts, and asked myself if it were worth it. My teacher placed me in the front of the classroom, just so i could get away from the people who hurt me. He ended up being a great teacher, and one of the only people i would talk to.
In 6th grade i decided that it was the people that were the problem, and distanced myself in general from them that entire year. I didn't talk to anyone, not one person knew me at all. I basically just disappeared, Writing, thinking and otherwise. In 7th grade i almost did the same, But a glimmer of hope was shown above, and i came out that year, with many, many friends. I was a popular kid, i would always help those who needed it and i tried my best to help, the same way in 8th grade.
In 9th grade i fell in love with someone who didn't even care about me. I was hurt, but what really staggered me, was the betrayal of my best friends, again i was against the world, distancing myself, not talking to anyone, and being generally the best at anything i tried without doing it.
In 10th grade, I turned my hate inward, and used it as a device to further my reach and influence. I wasn't doing this for myself anymore, but just to break and destroy everyone i could that had wronged me. A hate like that doesn't just disappear. In 11th grade, i made friends, awaiting for the plan that had finally found fruition. Everyone knew me as the good but quiet kid. I was everyone's friend, from the asians, to the blacks, whites and mexicans.
In 12th grade, my last year of highschool, i took my revenge upon those who'd scorned me, by turning their friends against them, taking all they had away in the fact of how lonely their social life was. I cracked and broke the schools social order, and at the top of the fact, i was there, i was my own king. I had the power to strip people of the social status they had. I did. fragmenting the entirety of the different groups, and the outcasts, not knowing what to do worked alone. I didn't hurt anyone physically, i didn't want to. I had enough of violence. By turning them away, i worked quickly, finding what to do was easier. I worked alone, behind the scenes, pushing people, decoding things and fixing things for my good friends. I even set up some good people with people they're married to now.
I turned at the second half, to the person i wanted to be, i started helping people, even doing it to the people i had hurt. I knocked them down and picked them up, i let my hate, my anger, go. I solved it by being horrid, and although it felt good, i pushed it out and broke it at the end, for my own heart needed saving, and i realized that. I settled down, stopped doing things to hurt people, and now rather to help. I became the pinnacle of social order, someone who genuinely didn't care what people thought, and still helped his old enemies, doing everything in his power, to repent for their sins, and then his own.
I didn't want to become what i hated, but i made myself do it, just to take my revenge. That's all i could do, and wanted to do, and i found myself turning into it, and let it go, fixing it all.
I hope this makes at least a little sense, But i'm happy i turned from what i can describe as a villain who hated people to a person who wants to see them succeed no matter who it is.
Since I was little my Dad hasn't lived with my brothers and I, but was allowed a few visits every other week. However, over the years it dwindled down to about 5 visits a year. He'd normally phone us up asking if he we wanted to go stay at his overnight or something when he did decide to phone.
One summer about 5 years ago he'd phoned up and because my brothers and I had a trip planned on the same date that he wanted us to stay at his, we told him no. A few weeks later my mum tells my brothers and I that he was trying to take her to court for drinking and abusing us with the goal of getting us took away from her. (My mum is brilliant, she never drinks and she could never bring herself to punish us with a slap nevermind abuse us). We had a woman come out to inspect our house and talk to my brothers and I about my mum and she said we have nothing to worry about.
I was about 16 at this point so I was old enough to know that what my dad was up to was fucking sickening, but I expected everything to sort itself out and we wouldn't hear from him again after his stupidity. However, one night I answer the phone and it was my Dad. He starts talking to me like normal pretending that nothing had happened and I just completely snapped and spent the next 30 minutes shouting down the phone at him, asking him stuff like did he think this was what I needed when I'm trying to finish my GCSE's, and overall just trying to figure out why he'd try do something like he did.
He spent like 10 minutes lying to me saying he didn't do any such thing, but gave up and moved on to threatening me and my mums side of the family. At this point I was shaking and couldn't stand still, but I ended the call by telling him I never wanted to hear from him again. I remember my mum was away somewhere that day and having to call her to tell her to come home because I was so upset and filled with pretty much every emotion that exists.
I still can't forgive him to this day, and apart from getting a Facebook friend request from him a year or so back (which I ignored), haven't heard from him. But yeah, that day on the phone was fucking heartbreaking to say the least, not because of the argument, but because it was when I snapped I realized I really didn't want to see him again.
I was 16 when one of my best friends Ive known since 1st grade, who was also my lover, which added onto my despair, was run over and killed on the spot, I was there when it happened, right in a school zone, A middle aged woman going 55 in a 10 MPH zone in a large ford excursion suv was coming in, I was on the other side of the road walking to a parking lot in the school where most highschool students and teachers park their cars during school hours and such, he jogged across the road without looking, looking at me, his head facing away from the oncoming SUV, it was too close and she couldn't even brake in time, it was his fault, but she was going 55, I heard the large thump of the truck slamming into him and glanced over just to see him roll over the truck and his head being crushed under one of the rear tires, she braked and got out quickly, panicking, I was in pure shock, I didn't know what to do, the person I loved was just killed in front of me, I kept crying about it for almost a year, It broke me inside.
I genuinely didn't want to do anything, I just curled up and wanted to die, I didn't want to live, I hated it, I went to a therapist, my parents made me, I dealt with my pain, it still hurts, I don't feel fixed or cured from this event, I feel guilty as a matter of a fact, if he didn't see me he wouldn't have run across, he wouldn't have died, but if she didn't speed, he probably would've survived, it pulls and tugs on me, I just feel so guilty, people tell me it wasn't my fault, that didn't have any actual play in what happened, I just can't bring myself to believe them, I just loved him so much, everything was going so well until that event, things got worse and worse from there on, I stopped attending school to just be alone, I skipped school, A-lot of dumb shit because of my own problems, my therapy did help me, but not a whole lot, it got to the point in my depression where I attempted to hang myself in my room, the thought of my family's pain and reaction from me killing myself stopped me, that thought helped me, thinking about my life, what I had with me now, I suppose therapy did help me a bit more than I realized, it may have sort of shoved me to the dim light, but atleast I got to see it, egging myself to go on to make others happy, instead of seeping into my own pile, it took forever for me to just put this on, it isn't enough, I put on a fake smile, pretending to be happy, its hard, but it makes others happy, this event has always put me into a severe breakdown, always put me into a mood, to this day I'm still not happy, still the fake smile, I can't bring myself to move on. I hate myself to the core for that event.
As for the lady, she got vehicular manslaughter, 4 years, Arizona has a far more harsh sentencing process when it comes to vehicular homocide/manslaughter. [depending if its your first sentence and such on the topic]
Sorry if this seems a bit patchy and unreadable in its current form, I'm tired and tear-y eyed and its difficult to explain, if you care enough just pm so i don't clog up the thread.
i also seemed a tad blunt in this :s
[QUOTE=Ban Camp;41448946]I was 16 when one of my best friends Ive known since 1st grade, who was also my lover, which added onto my despair, was run over and killed on the spot, I was there when it happened, right in a school zone, A middle aged woman going 55 in a 10 MPH zone in a large ford excursion suv was coming in, I was on the other side of the road walking to a parking lot in the school where most highschool students and teachers park their cars during school hours and such, he jogged across the road without looking, looking at me, his head facing away from the oncoming SUV, it was too close and she couldn't even brake in time, it was his fault, but she was going 55, I heard the large thump of the truck slamming into him and glanced over just to see him roll over the truck and his head being crushed under one of the rear tires, she braked and got out quickly, panicking, I was in pure shock, I didn't know what to do, the person I loved was just killed in front of me, I kept crying about it for almost a year, It broke me inside.
I genuinely didn't want to do anything, I just curled up and wanted to die, I didn't want to live, I hated it, I went to a therapist, my parents made me, I dealt with my pain, it still hurts, I don't feel fixed or cured from this event, I feel guilty as a matter of a fact, if he didn't see me he wouldn't have run across, he wouldn't have died, but if she didn't speed, he probably would've survived, it pulls and tugs on me, I just feel so guilty, people tell me it wasn't my fault, that didn't have any actual play in what happened, I just can't bring myself to believe them, I just loved him so much, everything was going so well until that event, things got worse and worse from there on, I stopped attending school to just be alone, I skipped school, A-lot of dumb shit because of my own problems, my therapy did help me, but not a whole lot, it got to the point in my depression where I attempted to hang myself in my room, the thought of my family's pain and reaction from me killing myself stopped me, that thought helped me, thinking about my life, what I had with me now, I suppose therapy did help me a bit more than I realized, it may have sort of shoved me to the dim light, but atleast I got to see it, egging myself to go on to make others happy, instead of seeping into my own pile, it took forever for me to just put this on, it isn't enough, I put on a fake smile, pretending to be happy, its hard, but it makes others happy, this event has always put me into a severe breakdown, always put me into a mood, to this day I'm still not happy, still the fake smile, I can't bring myself to move on. I hate myself to the core for that event.
As for the lady, she got vehicular manslaughter, 4 years, Arizona has a far more harsh sentencing process when it comes to vehicular homocide/manslaughter. [depending if its your first sentence and such on the topic]
Sorry if this seems a bit patchy and unreadable in its current form, I'm tired and tear-y eyed and its difficult to explain, if you care enough just pm so i don't clog up the thread.
i also seemed a tad blunt in this :s[/QUOTE]
Dude, You're hurt, It's understandable. It's always something like losing a best friend that does it. I just want you to know, you're not alone here. I want you to know that it's not your fault. It's not his, it's not the drivers. It's just an incident that happened, you can't change it, Your friend would have wanted you to be happy. I'm not saying forget him, or anything. You shouldn't blame yourself, you seem like a pretty cool dude. Things happen we can't control and it's okay to be sad or depressed about it. But don't hurt yourself, it will only add to the pain. I understand what it's like to lose a friend. I did too once. I've lost many and it doesn't get easier, But all you can do is move on. I lost a best friend to suicide, another from mental illness, and he's still in asylum, and another who just backstabbed me for drugs. It hurts, i know, but you're stronger than you let on to be, and with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too.
[QUOTE=OficerHonkHonk;41427367]I hope you guys don't mind if it's long. This 'moment' has been going on for years.
My mother died when I was 7, so naturally that was pretty devastating. She battled cancer for many years, and I wasn't old enough to understand that she was losing. She'd get worse and worse until eventually she wasn't even herself. I acted like a little shithead back then, I didn't know what was going on. I still hate myself for the way I acted to her in those final few months. But she loved me regardless of how shitty I was, and that's what I remember her for. On the night she died, she wrote a letter to me and my siblings as a goodbye. In it, she tells me that I need to trust my grandma to take care of me from now on. That I needed to let it be. The final words of that letter were the last I ever heard from her. "Whatever happens, just be happy, I love you... Signed; Mom"
And that was it. That was the last I'd ever hear from her, ever. Those words scrawled out on that sheet of paper in weak and noticeably deteriorating handwriting. It tears me up inside to know that my mother's final wishes to me were lost somewhere in all the moving we did. I'm a terrible person for not keeping that with me. It fucking kills me, every time I think about her my memory gets slightly more skewed. I've still got a bunch of photos from my childhood with her in them, but I keep them in a box because I can't look at them. It's been fucking 10 years and I still can't cope with the loss. My father, who didn't care about what was happening, decided to show up one day and lay claim to all of her possessions, which she'd left to me and my siblings. I could have fucking killed him, and I'm surprised I didn't. That bastard runs off on me and marries some whore, and expects me to just give up her legacy to him because he needs something to pawn? I haven't talked to my dad ever since then. And I'm not sure if he's dead or not, although I'd love it if he were. Depression has turned me into an introverted mess. I can hardly trust anybody and I can't talk socially without being strange as hell.
Since then, my siblings and I were adopted by my grandmother, who I call my mother now. It's nice to have been put with family instead of strangers. It's even better that we got to stay together, just as my mother wished.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and cry for a while. Thanks for reading I guess.[/QUOTE]
That made me cry, I hope you can find something in life to bring you out of your depression and get on with your life.
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