Post jokes here(racist,disgusting,stupid,smart,logical etc) V2
209 replies, posted
There was a newfie, an irishman and a frenchman that volunteered to go up in a space ship for 10 years. NASA asked each one what they would like a 10 year supply of.
The Irishman replied "I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best whiskey!"
The Frenchman replied "I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best food in the world!"
Then the Newfie replied "Smokes! I gotta have my smokes!"
So NASA packed them up and sent them off and then 10 years later they retured.
They asked each of them how they liked their things. The Irishman replied "Oh, I was drunk every second night!" and the Frenchman replied "Oh, I ate like a little pig!" and then the Newfie replied "Uh, gotta light?"
A 12 year old boy is hit by a car, a woman runs up to him and says are you ok? do you need a reverend?
And the boy replied to this women on his dying breath. [B]"Do you think this the best time for sex?"[/B]
[QUOTE=Fuckitbucket;34502472]A 12 year old boy is hit by a car, a woman runs up to him and says are you ok? do you need a reverend?
And the boy replied to this women on his dying breath. [B]"Do you think this the best time for sex?"[/B][/QUOTE]
Why would someone need a priest if they got hit by a car?
[editline]2nd February 2012[/editline]
Oh and how do we know Jesus wasn't from Mexico?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin
[QUOTE=MalwareOhMy!;34503478]Why would someone need a priest if they got hit by a car?[/QUOTE]
Last rites, want to make things right before they die
What did God say when he created the first black man?
[sp]"Shit, I burnt him."[/sp]
Two Black men go into a Kfc and never come out.
A couple of lame radation jokes I made myself:
What do you call an object that attracts beta particles?
[sp]Electron-magnetic.[/sp]
What do you call a blind pianist with cancer?
[sp]Gamma-Ray Charles.[/sp]
These radation jokes are shocking.
[sp]No, they're ionizing.[/sp]
[QUOTE=UnknownDude;34508683]A couple of lame radation jokes I made myself:
What do you call an object that attracts beta particles?
[sp]Electron-magnetic.[/sp]
What do you call a blind pianist with cancer?
[sp]Gamma-Ray Charles.[/sp]
These radation jokes are shocking.
[sp]No, they're ionizing.[/sp][/QUOTE]
[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRsPheErBj8[/media]
How to get 20 black man in a car?
throw there watermelon.
How to get 1000 jew in a car?
astray
[QUOTE=JUOPPO;34511639]How to get 20 black man in a car?
throw there watermelon.
How to get 1000 jew in a car?
astray[/QUOTE]
how get JUOPPO good spelling
won't
[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;34512161]how get JUOPPO good spelling
won't[/QUOTE]
Doesn't matter, foreing.
Its slightly long but it cracked me up so hard when i first heard it:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each sentenced to 10 years in prison. However on the day of the sentencing, it happened to be the judge's birthday. Feeling upbeat and generous, the judge decided to provide these 3 men with 1 thing they really each wanted to their cells
The Englishman asked for a different woman everyday of the week in order to fulfill his sexual pleasures. His wish was granted.
The Scotsman asked for a different bottle of the world's finest whiskeys to be delivered to his cell to compensate for his drinking problem. Wish granted.
The Irishman asked for a different carton of the world's finest cigarettes to be delivered to his cell to uphold his smoking habit. No problem.
After 10 years had passed, the 3 men were allowed to be released.
The Englishman was released, looking as thin as a stick. He had depleted all of his energy by having too much sex, subsequently draining all the life out of him.
The Scotsman was released, but immediately fell to the ground like a bag of rocks. He had been constantly drunk for the length of his sentence.
The Irishman was released, looking slightly crazed. Dragging his luggage full of cigarettes with him, he approached the nearest prison guard and yelled, '[sp]GIVE ME A BLOODY LIGHTER!!!!![/sp]'
[QUOTE=Bengi_BY;34517211]Its slightly long but it cracked me up so hard when i first heard it:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were each sentenced to 10 years in prison. However on the day of the sentencing, it happened to be the judge's birthday. Feeling upbeat and generous, the judge decided to provide these 3 men with 1 thing they really each wanted to their cells
The Englishman asked for a different woman everyday of the week in order to fulfill his sexual pleasures. His wish was granted.
The Scotsman asked for a different bottle of the world's finest whiskeys to be delivered to his cell to compensate for his drinking problem. Wish granted.
The Irishman asked for a different carton of the world's finest cigarettes to be delivered to his cell to uphold his smoking habit. No problem.
After 10 years had passed, the 3 men were allowed to be released.
The Englishman was released, looking as thin as a stick. He had depleted all of his energy by having too much sex, subsequently draining all the life out of him.
The Scotsman was released, but immediately fell to the ground like a bag of rocks. He had been constantly drunk for the length of his sentence.
The Irishman was released, looking slightly crazed. Dragging his luggage full of cigarettes with him, he approached the nearest prison guard and yelled, '[sp]GIVE ME A BLOODY LIGHTER!!!!![/sp]'[/QUOTE]
But good sir, cigarettes are the currency of prison
Wanna hear a joke?
[sp]you thought this would say "Womens Rights"[/sp]
"Whats a War Hero?"
"A Soldier who didn't want to die!"
Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk & asks for a condom. They ask, "shall we put that on your bill?" He says, "are you thucking thupid ? i'll thuffocate.
[QUOTE=Corndog Ninja;34490660]Your plane has crashed in the heart of the jungle. As you make your way towards a nearby village, you find yourself at the banks of a river. It is shallow enough to cross without a boat or raft; however, it is the home to a ravenous family of man-eating crocodiles. How do you make it through?
[sp]Just wade through. The crocodiles are at the meeting of the animals[/sp][/QUOTE]
You forgot the first three parts of that joke, good sir.
[QUOTE=MRTW113;34537170]But good sir, cigarettes are the currency of prison[/QUOTE]
I read that joke before, but instead of prisoners in jail, they were explorers captured by generous cannibals.
And it wasn't an Englishman with sex, but something else, but I can't remember.
[B]Wanna hear a bad chemistry joke I made up while looking at the periodic table?[/B]
What did the chemist with high blood pressure say when asked if he wanted salt on his eggs?
[sp] Na. [/sp]
[B]Here's one I didn't make up. Hope I ain't late.[/B]
A man routinely spent his Sunday afternoons golfing at the local course, when his wife took her nap. One time, when he was heading out, he noticed that it was raining like hell, so he sat down for a moment, shook his head, and took off all his golfing get-up.
He went to bed and snuggled with his wife, and said, "It's one hell of a storm out there right now."
The wife grunted and said, "Yeah. Can you believe my husband's out golfing in that shit?"
[B]Another one:[/B]
3 men were at the FBI for a job interview. The first man walked into the office. The interviewing FBI agent said, "To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated, and willing to do anything. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun."
The man took the gun, hesitated, and said, "Sorry... I just can't do it. I love her way too much to do this." He handed the agent back the gun, and was kicked out of the building.
The second man came in, and the agent said, "To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated, and willing to do anything. Your brother is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot him with this gun."
The man took the gun, walked into the room, and the door shut. The agent heard the gun make a solid [I]clack[/I] on the ground, and the man came back in and said, "Sorry." He was kicked out of the building.
The third and final applicant walked in and the agent said, "To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated, and willing to do anything. Your mother is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun."
The man took the gun and walked into the room with good posture. The agent heard three shots, a [I]clack[/I], and lots of crashes, clanging and screaming.
He came back out with sweat and blood on his clothes, and said, "You didn't tell me that the gun only shot blanks, so I had to beat her down with the curtain railing."
[B]And another:[/B]
A job applicant was filling out his application, and when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested? ," he answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered "Yes" to the previous question, was, "Why?"
He put down, "Never got caught."
[B]Another:[/B]
A new bartender had been hired to replace one who had been shot down in an old-style bar. A man walks into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, and then left. The next day, he came back, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, and left. Then the next day, he ordered his 3 shots of whiskey, and the bartender asked him, "Why do you always order 3 shots of whiskey?"
The man said, "Well, my friends and I used to go to this bar - different bartender, mind - and order a shot each. Well, now, both of them died recently, so I promised myself to continue ordering and drinking our three shots."
"Oh," said the bartender. "Uh, well, this time's on the house."
"Thanks," said the man.
Then, two weeks later, when the man came back, he ordered two shots of whiskey instead of the usual 3. The bartender noticed this of course, and asked, "Hey, why you only orderin' two shots now? What about the promise?"
The man said, "Yeah, I'm still keeping the promise, but I've decided I'd quit drinking."
[B]A bit of a religious one:[/B]
A young Catholic priest thought he would join a monastery. He joined a particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, "You are sworn to TOTAL silence. You may not speak, however, every ten years, you are granted three words."
The priest nodded, and went to work.
Ten years later, the head monk indicated it was time for him to speak his three words. He turns around and says, "Food is bad!" Then he returns to his study.
An additional ten years later, the monk once again indicated it was time for his three words. He turns around and says, "Bed is hard!" Then he returns to his study once more.
Finally, at the 30th year, when the head monk indicates it's time for his three words, the priest says, "I quit now!"
The head monk shook his head, sighed, and said, "You know, I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the last thirty years!"
A Mexican and a Black guy are in a car, who's driving?
[sp]Doesn't matter, report it stolen[/sp]
A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest when they come across a magical tree.
"I will grant you each three wishes." says the tree.
"I wish I had a moto-cross bike." says the rabbit. A motor-bike poofs up in front of him.
"I wish every bear in the world except me was a female." says the bear. The faint sound of bears poofing into females can be heard in the distance.
"I wish I had a riding outfit." says the rabbit. A uniform and helmet poof onto the rabbit.
"I wish every bear in the world was attracted to me." says the bear. Again, poofing in the distance.
"Go ahead, you say you last one first." the rabbit says to the bear.
"Alright, I wish I could have a big penis." says the bear. A bulge forms in his pants. He walks away eagerly.
The rabbit finally says "I wish the bear was gay."
Look up 'A guy walks into a bar' on Youtube if you haven't heard of them.
"So a Rabbi, Priest, and Monk walk into a bar and the bartender says 'What is this, some kind of joke?'"
What's the difference between a Belgian and a lump of dog shit?
[sp] The Belgian drinks wine, But the dog shit smells good.[/sp]
The CEO of AT&T just got married. The service was okay but the reception was terrible.
A cripple and an African american walk into a bar, what is wrong with that?
Cripples don't walk.
Edit*
I didn't realize that I bumped a topic that hasn't been posted on for three months. My bad.
What do you call a threesome that involves 2 black men and a white woman?
[SP]An Oreo.[/SP]
There are 2 Mexicans in the car. Who is Driving?
[SP]A Cop.[/SP]
what did the Mexican fireman name his two sons?
[sp]Jose and Hose B[/sp]
What do tedious prostitutes charge you extra for?
[sp]banal[/sp]
What's black, white, and rolls down the boardwalk?
[sp]A black man and a seagull fighting over a french fry.[/sp]
[i]Shit, pageking[/i]. Have 2 more jokes.
What do you call a smiling black man?
[sp]A snigger.[/sp]
I used to have black friends.
[sp]Until my dad sold them all.[/sp]
A grasshopper walked into a bar, the bartender saw him and said "We have a cocktail named after you". The grasshopper replied [sp]"What, Gary?"[/sp]
I bought some viagra today and I was reading the instructions, and it said "keep away from children!" and I said what kind of a man do they think I am? ....that can't maintain an erection with a child!?
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