Sorry if I get it wrong but here it goes.
A man is going to see his mother and decides to pick up a few things along the way. He stops at a farm and asks to buy a chicken. The farmer says "Sure, but here, we call them cockerels."
The man then goes to buy a donkey. The read neck selling them says "We call them asses, and if they stop walking, just slap them a few times."
When the man is walking down the street with his cockerel and ass, his donkey stops walking so he asks a nearby girl "Can you hold my cock while I slap my ass?"
I'm sure I got some details wrong and left out a few things, but it was from memory because it was a joke my friend told me.
What's the difference between a baby and an apple?
[sp]I don't jizz on an apple before I eat it[/sp]
Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a bran new farari?
The cars not in my garage.
[QUOTE=Irongasm;21580701]Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a bran new farari?
The cars not in my garage.[/QUOTE]
The punchline is: I don't have a Ferrai in my garage.
On a related note, what's the difference between a box of crackers and a box of dead babies? One's a crunchy snack... the other's a box of crackers.
What's the difference between a Ginger and bricks?
Bricks get laid.
What do you call a room full of blondes?
A wind tunnel.
How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch-n'-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
And finally,
So an eight year old walks up to his father and asks "Dad I think I'm old enough for beer now."
His dad asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
"No"
"Then you don't get any."
The boy comes back at fifteen, and asks the same question, only to be turned down with the same answer.
At eighteen he goes and sees his father once again, and asks "Dad, I think I'm old enough for that beer now."
"Can your dick touch your ass?"
"Uh, yes."
"Then fuck yourself this is my beer."
My friend David was a little bit feminine you might say, and when he went to jump school to become a Ranger, he was on the plane and he was suited up and all that, and when it came his time to go to the door to jump, he said "Man, I just froze, I couldn't do it". So this big black Drill Instructor got behind him and said "If you don't jump out that door right now Recruit, I'm going to stick my big black dick all the way up your ass". So I asked him, "What did you do David, did you jump?" and he said "Yeah, a little bit at first."
A guy walked straight into a bar. He yelled out "Ouch!"
My parents were never the most supportive, often saying "Why cant you be more like your sister!?"
I wouldn't have minded, but my sister died in childbirth
A man went out into the forest to seek enlightenment
He comes back 2 days later.
They ask if he found enlightenment
He says no, he learned magic and kung fu, but no electricity.
:downsrim:
(It probably sucks)
A Irishman, a Rabbi, and a Canadian walk into a bar. They leave with a greater understanding of the world and new found friends.
A man is on his honeymoon and leaves his wife at the hotel to go get a condom. While out a black robber comes, but the wife thinking he's her husband has sex with him.
The man went to the store and saw a white condom for $1, black for $2, and purple for $3. He has $2 on him so he buys the black. He goes back and proceeds to have sex.
10 years later, the black son asks his dad why he is black. He responds with, "You're very lucky son, $1 more and you could have been purple!"
How do you sink a Polish warship?
[sp]you put it in water[/sp]
So a dyslexia library man into a walks and for a book on asks.
Why wasn't Jesus born in mexico?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Okay so a teacher, garbageman and a laywer all died and went to heaven. St Peter was there and he told them they all must answer a question right to get in. He first asked the teacher "What was the name of the ship that got hit by an iceberg and sunk?"
The teacher knew this so he said "The titanic."
So St Peter opened the gate and the teacher went in. St Peter didn't really want a smelly old garbageman making heaven stinky so he asked him a harder question. "How many people died on the titantic?"
To the garbageman knowledge he didn't know the answer so he guessed it. "1,517died."
He answered right so he was let in. St Peter then turned to the laywer and asked "Name them."
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
I go out to the taxi, while my husband went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with my husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I don’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, I explain to the taxi driver that he will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’
A few minutes later, he gets into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ he said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’
[QUOTE=Mister B;21580440]This one's a doosy.
This farmer has three daughters. They all have dates, so the farmer stands at the front door with his shotgun to make sure their dates are nice young men.
The first suitor arrives and says, "Hey, I'm [B]Joe[/B]. I'm here for [B]Flo.[/B] We're going to a [B]show,[/B] Is she ready to [B]go[/B]?
The farmer looks him over and decides he's a nice enough guy, so he sends them on their way.
The next suitor comes and says, "Hello, I'm [B]Freddy.[/B] I'm here for [B]Betty, [/B]we're going to eat some [B]spaghetti, [/B]is she [B]ready?[/B]
The farmer looks him over and decides he's a nice young man as well, so he lets them go.
The last suitor comes and says, "Hey, I'm [B]Chuck-"[/B]
So the farmer shot him.
[editline]10:03PM[/editline]
Her genetailia are in-between her legs, and prostitution makes money.
2+2=4.[/QUOTE]
Elis dirty jokes.
Mom, can I lick the bowl?
No, flush like everyone else.
Not the funniest I know, but it's the only one I can think of.
[editline]11:13PM[/editline]
A new Elmo factory had just re-opened, and they were hiring some new workers. An old lady comes in, and they say she looks like a hard worker, let’s give her the job. A week or so later, they notice that production has slowed down ever since they hired her. They decide to give her an evaluation. They came up and as the conveyor was bringing her elmoes she was spreading their legs, putting a piece of cloth there and two marbles. The manager says, what are you doing, i told you to give them to test tickles!
[editline]11:14PM[/editline]
Once apon a time there was a Hipster who had just gotten stoned. He got on a bus and sat at the back where there was a Nun reading the Bible. Being stoned, he asked, “Hey. Wanna hook up and score?”
The Nun simply replied, “No no, thank-you anyway. My virginity is Sacred.” Feeling stupid, the Hippie finally gets to his stop and is about to leave when the bus driver stops him.
“Dude, if you really want to hook up with her, you should go down to the Church every Sunday. She is a Christian and a dedicated one too. She literally LOVES Jesus!”
This gave him an idea
He dressed up as Jesus and walked into the Church on Sunday. Sure enough, he saw the Nun praying. He walked up to her, held out his arms and said, “Behold. I am the mighty Jesus Christ. Lets score.” She was overjoyed
After it was over he ripped off the Costume and screamed, “Hah! I’m really the Hippie!.”
The Nun simply replied,” And I’m really the Bus Driver.”
[editline]11:18PM[/editline]
Where's the best place to see a topless chick? At a chicken processing plant.
You know... cause they have no heads.
[QUOTE=minilandstan;21582041]A man went out into the forest to seek enlightenment
He comes back 2 days later.
They ask if he found enlightenment
He says no, he learned magic and kung fu, but no electricity.
:downsrim:
(It probably sucks)[/QUOTE]
First thing I think when you say that is MegaDeth - Five Magics.
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Ha.
Jay Leno: Which is more useful, the Sun or the Moon?" A thirteen-year old: [Pause] "I think it's the Moon because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the Sun shines during the day when you don't need it."
Let me tell you a story about a guy named Joe,he died,end of story.
[QUOTE=devcon;21581239]What do you call a room full of blondes?
A wind tunnel.
How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch-n'-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
And finally,
So an eight year old walks up to his father and asks "Dad I think I'm old enough for beer now."
His dad asks "Can your dick touch your ass?"
"No"
"Then you don't get any."
The boy comes back at fifteen, and asks the same question, only to be turned down with the same answer.
At eighteen he goes and sees his father once again, and asks "Dad, I think I'm old enough for that beer now."
"Can your dick touch your ass?"
"Uh, yes."
"Then fuck yourself this is my beer."[/QUOTE]
actually he wants a bike then at the end he ask for a car
[editline]05:42PM[/editline]
[QUOTE=TamTamJam;21582685]Mom, can I lick the bowl?
No, flush like everyone else.
Not the funniest I know, but it's the only one I can think of.
[editline]11:13PM[/editline]
A new Elmo factory had just re-opened, and they were hiring some new workers. An old lady comes in, and they say she looks like a hard worker, let’s give her the job. A week or so later, they notice that production has slowed down ever since they hired her. They decide to give her an evaluation. They came up and as the conveyor was bringing her elmoes she was spreading their legs, putting a piece of cloth there and two marbles. The manager says, what are you doing, i told you to give them to test tickles!
[editline]11:14PM[/editline]
Once apon a time there was a Hipster who had just gotten stoned. He got on a bus and sat at the back where there was a Nun reading the Bible. Being stoned, he asked, “Hey. Wanna hook up and score?”
The Nun simply replied, “No no, thank-you anyway. My virginity is Sacred.” Feeling stupid, the Hippie finally gets to his stop and is about to leave when the bus driver stops him.
“Dude, if you really want to hook up with her, you should go down to the Church every Sunday. She is a Christian and a dedicated one too. She literally LOVES Jesus!”
This gave him an idea
He dressed up as Jesus and walked into the Church on Sunday. Sure enough, he saw the Nun praying. He walked up to her, held out his arms and said, “Behold. I am the mighty Jesus Christ. Lets score.” She was overjoyed
After it was over he ripped off the Costume and screamed, “Hah! I’m really the Hippie!.”
The Nun simply replied,” And I’m really the Bus Driver.”
[editline]11:18PM[/editline]
Where's the best place to see a topless chick? At a chicken processing plant.
You know... cause they have no heads.[/QUOTE]
i like the hippie one :v:
How many blonde chicks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[QUOTE=INSANE_PAIN;21618403]How many blonde chicks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?[/QUOTE]
how much
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
^Funny.
Excuses are like buttholes, everyone has them, and they all stink.
what do you call a gay guy who's on fire?
A flaming homosexual.
:downsrim:
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