[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024067]those are vocab words we have to use for a grade[/QUOTE]
if you [B][I]have[/I][/B] to use them then i guess go ahead and i'll gag over here
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024067]those are vocab words we have to use for a grade[/QUOTE]
Use them better and get higher grades.
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024082]somebody who is in the gothic literature section of this 9 weeks and must use certain vocab words for test points[/QUOTE]
ok well still you could do better at working them into your paragraph
(also lol vocab words)
Look, your tenses don't match, you're mixing up your parts of speech and it doesn't flow. Rewrite it with all three of those things in mind. If this is an issue of "I need to get my homework done," then don't ask us for help, it's your homework and you obviously need to learn how to do it with the info given in class and not some people who will do it for you on the internet.
the grade is for writing a scene based off of a picture and it must be as long as possible (which is why there is a lot of random stuff) and must have as much of our vocab as possible
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024102]the grade is for writing a scene based off of a picture and it must be as long as possible (which is why there is a lot of random stuff) and must have as much of our vocab as possible[/QUOTE]
Then at least post the fucking picture. Not posting the picture is like, 4 points of your final grade.
then your teacher is shit
end of story
quantity != quality
[QUOTE=Revolver Osha;43024114]Then at least post the fucking picture. Not posting the picture is like, 4 points of your final grade.[/QUOTE]
I don't know how :(
[quote]The dirt floor of the secluded forest slowly transitioned to soil, pebbles, and then finally to giant chunks of earth that outlined the freight track. As if it where the sky at sunset, evolving from blue to purple then to layers of orange, brown and red.[/quote]
It should be "The dirt floor of the secluded forest slowly transitioned to soil, pebbles, and finally to giant chunks of earth that outlined the freight track as if it were the sky of sunset."
End it there; it would just be too much if you kept describing every little detail. As an advanced tip, try to decide if you are going to use active or passive voice in a sentence; you seem to mix-and-match within the same sentence.
Does your vocab specifically require using somber as a noun? In contemporary English, the adjective form of the word is seen as slightly show-offy and pompous. Using it as a noun makes you look like you've got your own head jammed up your ass so far you can headbutt your bellybutton from within. But if you [I]have[/I] to, suffer it, it's only a mark.
OP, if you are actually serious about writing and want to get honest feedback on writing [B]you did for yourself[/B], and not because your grade is relying on the short story you are hawking us, you should take it to Creationism Corner, but read the rules before posting. Also, if it [I]is[/I] your academic homework that you're trying to pass off as personal writing, and we catch you, expect to get shit on.
I've a degree in Creative Writing, and I'd be more than willing to give you advice and support to help develop your talents in writing. I found my flame for writing when I was sixteen, and it's a long and rewarding* passion to pursue. I am not fucking interested in helping you get an easy A. It's a thin but important line.
*Rewards may not be financial in nature. The starving writer trope is totally fucking true unless your name is its own brand empire or you've seen your movie rights turn into Hunger Games-level box office success.
[QUOTE=code_gs;43024141]It should be "The dirt floor of the secluded forest slowly transitioned to soil, pebbles, and finally to giant chunks of earth that outlined the freight track as if it were the sky of sunset."
End it there; it would just be too much if you kept describing every little detail. Also, as an advanced tip, try to decide if you are going to use active or passive voice in a sentence; you seem to mix-and-match within the same sentence.[/QUOTE]
ok
[editline]30th November 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=elixwhitetail;43024146]Does your vocab specifically require using somber as a noun? In contemporary English, the adjective form of the word is seen as slightly show-offy and pompous. Using it as a noun makes you look like you've got your own head jammed up your ass so far you can headbutt your bellybutton from within. But if you [I]have[/I] to, suffer it, it's only a mark.
OP, if you are actually serious about writing and want to get honest feedback on writing [B]you did for yourself[/B], and not because your grade is relying on the short story you are hawking us, you should take it to Creationism Corner, but read the rules before posting. Also, if it [I]is[/I] your academic homework that you're trying to pass off as personal writing, and we catch you, expect to get shit on.
I've a degree in Creative Writing, and I'd be more than willing to give you advice and support to help develop your talents in writing. I found my flame for writing when I was sixteen, and it's a long and rewarding* passion to pursue. I am not fucking interested in helping you get an easy A. It's a thin but important line.
*Rewards may not be financial in nature. The starving writer trope is totally fucking true unless your name is its own brand empire or you've seen your movie rights turn into Hunger Games-level box office success.[/QUOTE]
ok well for the last time IT IS MINE so stop accusing me
and all im trying to do is get some points for my grade I don't share the same love for writing as you
Overall, it is obvious you used a thesaurus to try to spice your writing. Try to focus more on the content of the story as that will help make it more interesting than the specific wording you use. Try to use words natural to your vocabulary and use the thesaurus sparingly -- complicated words like those should only be used to pull the reader in every once in a while. When they are overused, it feels sluggish and cumbersome to read. I think your teacher meant use "big-boy" words, but do not over-complicate things. Lastly, look at your sentence layout and organize it a bit better. You described events and items as awkward times in the story, and you should try to use more of a "block format" instead of constantly switching between telling the story and describing the landscape.
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024102]the grade is for writing a scene based off of a picture and it must be as long as possible (which is why there is a lot of random stuff) and must have as much of our vocab as possible[/QUOTE]
I don't know why your teacher would have you write something using as many unfitting vocabulary words as possible.
The best writers do not use long, hard to understand words. They use simple, easy to grasp and comprehend words.
[QUOTE=code_gs;43024190]Overall, it is obvious you used a thesaurus to try to spice your writing. Try to focus more on the content of the story as that will help make it more interesting than the specific wording you use. Try to use words natural to your vocabulary and use the thesaurus sparingly -- complicated words like those should only be used to pull the reader in every once in a while. When they are overused, it feels sluggish and cumbersome to read. Lastly, look at your sentence layout and organize it a bit better. You described events and items as awkward times in the story, and you should try to use more of a "block format" instead of constantly switching between telling the story and describing the landscape.[/QUOTE]
ok
but by the way no thesaurus is used
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024202]ok
but by the way no thesaurus is used[/QUOTE]
Where did you get the words from then?
[QUOTE=KnightVista;43024191]I don't know why your teacher would have you write something using as many unfitting vocabulary words as possible.
The best writers do not use long, hard to understand words. They use simple, easy to grasp and comprehend words.[/QUOTE]
our curriculum is based off of vocab
[editline]30th November 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=code_gs;43024207]Where did you get the words from then?[/QUOTE]
which words? because some are vocab and some where just mine
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024209]which words? because some are vocab and some where just mine[/QUOTE]
*were
For some reason, I cannot believe that you know all this vocab off the top of your head.
[QUOTE=code_gs;43024220]*were
For some reason, I cannot believe that you know all this vocab off the top of your head.[/QUOTE]
I got 99th percentile on vocab but 35th on spelling lol
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024209]
which words? because some are vocab and some where just mine[/QUOTE]
I think your teacher needs to focus on spelling and grammar more than fancy vocabulary words if his students confuse "were" and "where"
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024224]I got 99th percentile on vocab but 35th on spelling lol[/QUOTE]
If you say so...
Even if this vocabulary is somehow natural to you, dumb it down for the average reader. This paper is not addressed to the Queen of England, so just remember K.I.S.S. -- Keep It Simple Stupid
your teacher is not at all preparing you for the future
[QUOTE=code_gs;43024235]If you say so...
Even if this vocabulary is somehow natural to you, dumb it down for the average reader. This paper is not addressed to the Queen of England, so just remember K.I.S.S. -- Keep It Simple Stupid[/QUOTE]
I will definitely do that
[QUOTE=KnightVista;43024191]I don't know why your teacher would have you write something using as many unfitting vocabulary words as possible.
The best writers do not use long, hard to understand words. They use simple, easy to grasp and comprehend words.[/QUOTE]
NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!
Ahem, sorry. Don't know what came over me there. :v:
[B]Just a nobody[/B], if you're serious about writing, here's what I'd suggest that you do, and I'm not going to help you with individual sentences or word choices, but I am going to give you a suggestion that could make your assignment a lot easier while still fulfilling the requirements and being your own work.
If the assignment is to describe the contents of a photograph and to use the vocab words, use the photo, but use it as the mechanism to tell a story. You've started to touch on that by writing about the various senses in order to pad out the length, but I want you to take it further. Own it and take this all the way to the airport with a gun to its neck.
Don't describe the scene as if it was a photo on a table.
Describe the scene as if it's a shot from a movie. Tell us EXACTLY what it feels like. Imagine you're the actor starring in this movie, and you're on the set of the shoot, which today is the depressive fucking train tracks scene. You're in rehearsal before the cameras roll, and you've just been asked to describe how it looks and feels while you are going through your scene, live.
If the scene was, instead, a brightly-lit hotel indoor pool at a swanky resort, and the character is in an Oceans 11 style heist movie, you might have something that starts off with:
"The door to the pool area is heavy, and the moment I pull it open, the humid smell of reacted chlorine* crowds over me. A cautious glance reveals nobody by the showers. There is no sound of anyone over the fans. The surface of the large pool dances in ever-changing unquiet flashes. I let the door rest in the frame and then begin looking for the ventilation access shaft."
I just made this up off the top of my head with no reference whatsoever so it's kind of shit, but I hope it at least gives you an idea of the kind of thing that I'm talking about.
*Offtopic fun science fact: The smell we call "chlorine smell" at a public pool is in fact not the smell of the chlorine added to the water. It's the smell of the products of chlorine reacting with human leftovers: Pee, shit, sweat, and dead skin cells. The smell means the chlorine is doing its job and disinfecting the water.
best case scenario would be to screenshot this thread and write a story from one of our perspectives groaning about your word choice
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024154]ok well for the last time IT IS MINE so stop accusing me
and all im trying to do is get some points for my grade I don't share the same love for writing as you[/QUOTE]
I didn't accuse you of shit, you're confusing me with LordCrypto.
What I'm saying is, I'm not here to help you fail to learn from your assignment by having other people do your learning for you. That's not what school is for, as poor as the state of education may be.
ok thanks for all the help
im going back onto reddit and im going to half ass it in lunch
(with my tone and vocab in mind)
k?
btw guys tomorrow i'm gonna have a tuna salad sandwich for lunch
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024304]ok thanks for all the help
im going back onto reddit and im going to half ass it in lunch
(with my tone and vocab in mind)[/QUOTE]
before you go, what did you learn from this
I can't wait for him to come back after he discovers Garry's Mod and DarkRP and becomes the "ideas" guy.
Never use a hard word when a simpel word will do.
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