• Rate my writing?
    79 replies, posted
take notes At the touch of leather, I quiver and gasp. He walks around me again, trailing the crop around the middle of my body. On his second circuit, he suddenly flicks the crop, and it hits me underneath my behind … against my sex … The shock runs through me, and it’s the sweetest, strangest, hedonistic feeling … My body convulses at the sweet, stinging bite. My nipples harden and elongate from the assault, and I moan loudly, pulling on my leather cuffs.
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024067]those are vocab words we have to use for a grade[/QUOTE] Even if you have to use them, you don't have to cram them all into one sentence.
Ahhhhh purple prose! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!
big words make average people feel dumb
It doesn't flow very well and the average reader wont enjoy it 4/10.
that was possibly the most annoying piece of writing i've ever read. You're using so many words unnecessarily and wrong that it just doesn't work well. Not to mention flow is bad, it does not sound right at all, and you're trying way too hard. Plus, long sentences with long words is just ugly. [I]"The air was intertwined with a deep somber that ran thick through out my blood that so ultimately consumed me, that it entombed me in a lonesome sepulcher, forever ensnaring me in anguish"[/I] [I]actually[/I] means. [I]"The air was twisted together with a deep dark colour that ran through my blood, that consumed me, that placed me in a small room, forever trapping me in pain"[/I] That makes no sense at all. They're pretty words, but they're not formed together prettily, which completely nullifies their use. Don't use large words if you don't know how to use them, it makes you seem try hard and a tad pretentious. Make the words fit your message, not the message fit your words.
[QUOTE=Blazyd;43024232]I think your teacher needs to focus on spelling and grammar more than fancy vocabulary words if his students confuse "were" and "where"[/QUOTE] I am 14 and I learned the difference years ago. So either the school isn't helping your spelling or grammar, you are not 13 or English isn't your first language, feel free to use one of these as an excuse.
[QUOTE=Just a nobody;43024045]example?[/QUOTE] The air was intertwined with a deep somber that ran thick through out my blood that so ultimately consumed me, that it entombed me in a lonesome sepulcher, forever ensnaring me in anguish. The gradually dying trees reached out with there boney branches; reaching towards the sky, as if as they where slowly fading they cried out, willing to do anything for just one more moment. The dirt floor of the secluded forest slowly transitioned to soil, pebbles, and then finally to giant chunks of earth that outlined the freight track. As if it where the sky at sunset, evolving from blue to purple then to layers of orange, brown and red. The track sprawled across the land, reaching coast to coast. Reaching far and wide. The sounds of natures misfits called out, echoing through the gray forest. The smell of regret is encoated onto the air, the air that sits enlaced with the giants of the forest. You can easily taste the life of past forgotten, which now ran rampant thought the ground. Even as I sat there I could feel the presence of death itself tearing a whole through this earth, allowing the nightmares of hell enter this un-innocent world.
Alas my fears have been realised: Facepunch has not enjoyed my writing. Perhaps I have tried too hard? My pretentious nature is a blistering inferno, but is no match for Facepunch's blanket they have used to weaken and destroy me. My self-esteem, now low due to my ignorance and youthful prejudice being challenged, has taught me a valuable lesson I will cherish later in life: I should lay off the unnecessary adjectives.
[QUOTE=Ninja Gnome;43024311]before you go, what did you learn from this[/QUOTE] The moral of the story is that he should never post on facepunch again.
While this thread still exists, would you fellows mind tearing into something I wrote? I write Craigslist ads for fun, I think I've written about 5 total so far. [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/GfoqFSV.png[/IMG]
Needs some work. I recommend reading it back to yourself.
if only he'd had said "going back to [I][B]le reddit[/B][/I]"
I hate it when you guys give really useful advice and people end up taking it too personally and get offended.
[QUOTE=Squidman;43048104]While this thread still exists, would you fellows mind tearing into something I wrote? I write Craigslist ads for fun, I think I've written about 5 total so far. [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/GfoqFSV.png[/IMG][/QUOTE] That is amazing.
Yeah, pretty much what everyone else is saying kid... You sound forced. In fact, you sound like I did in high school. Constantly scouring dictionary.com's thesaurus for big fancy words I've never used before. Always making sure they're being used correctly, so that when I read my "poems" to people, I sound deep and intelligent; when in reality I was an annoying corpulent attention seeking loser under the guise of "hopeless romantic." With something like poetry, if you weren't either a child prodigy in it or been studying it your whole life, you're pretty much wasting your time. And since your grammar isn't even correct...eh...let's just say you're better off trying to figure out how to smoke your own pole. I don't mean to sound like a dick. I'm an art student, so [B]truly[/B] honest critique is what I live for day in and day out. Save yourself the future embarrassment and stop while you can. I only wish I did that. Better yet, just avoid this website altogether.
Hoping the kid signs his essay 'Baby Kangaroo Tribbiani'
"All I'm hearing out of your mouth is 'I don't have a job, please put your fist through my sternum.'" -Saxton Hale 2013 [editline]5th January 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Just a nobody;43023932] By the way im 13 so don't expect anything to great. [/QUOTE] I'm 13, too, and I know a lot of people that are 13. We're much more educated than this; you're obviously stating you're older to paint yourself in a better light. It isn't working, by the way.
I'm still cracking up at "[I]Un-innocent world[/I]"
[QUOTE=Mr Shadyface;43497159]I'm still cracking up at "[I]Un-innocent world[/I]"[/QUOTE] But... It lost its innocence to "the nightmares of hell"! Because logic.
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