A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse: "Why the long face?"
"I have cancer."
You like jokes eh?
Pssst...
[sp]this thread[/sp]
20
[editline]1st October 2011[/editline]
A man broke the law and went to prison. He was feeling very scared his first night alone in his cell. After the lights went out he heard one of the other inmates in a cell quite a long way off shout out "32". Then all the prisoners burst out laughing. When the laughter subsided he heard another inmate call out "66". Once again followed by a burst of laughter. This went on for some time before they all fell to sleep.
The man was intrigued by this behaviour.
The next morning during breakfast in the eating area the man gathered up his courage and spoke to one of the older prisoners and asked him what was going on.
The older inmate said, "Many of us have been in here for a long time. There's not much you can do when the lights go out. So, to amuse ourselves we tell jokes. But after a while we all seemed to know all the jokes, so it became easier to just give the jokes a number and just shout out the number rather than taking all that time to tell the joke."
Ahhh. Now it all made sense.
So, for the next few weeks, the man listened to the numbers and found out what joke corresponded to what number and which numbers got the biggest laughs.
Finally, one night he decided to join in. After about five or six jokes had been told "by the numbers". He shouted out "22!" Nothing happened? Dead silence. He thought that maybe the others didn't hear him. So, he waited till a few more jokes were numbered and shouted out, as loud as he could, "66!" Again, just silence? This happened to him about five times.
The next morning he just had to find out why no one laughed at his numbers. He went to the old man again and asked him. "Why does no one laugh at my jokes?"
The old man replied, "Ahhh, it's the way you tell them."
I wonder why we don't have a Jokes Megathread.
What is the definition of self-destruction?
- A lepper with epilepsy.
Due to extensive research done by the Fourchon University of Science, diamond has been confirmed as the the hardest metal known the man. The research is as follows.
Pocket-protected scientists built a wall of iron and crashed a diamond car into it at 400 miles per hour, and the car was unharmed.
They then built a wall out of diamond and crashed a car made of iron moving at 400 miles an out into the wall, and the wall came out fine.
They then crashed a diamond car made of 400 miles per hour into a wall, and there were no survivors.
They crashed 400 miles per hour into a diamond traveling at iron car. Western New York was powerless for hours.
They rammed a wall of metal into a 400 mile per hour made of diamond, and the resulting explosion shifted the earth's orbit 400 million miles away from the sun, saving the earth from a meteor the size of a small Washington suburb that was hurtling towards midwestern Prussia at 400 billion miles per hour.
They spun 400 miles at diamond into iron per wall. The results were inconclusive.
Finally, they placed 400 diamonds per hour in front of a car made of wall traveling at miles, and the result proved without a doubt that diamonds were the hardest metal of all time, if not just the hardest metal known the man.
I came up with this one:
What do you get when you smash a gay rock?
Fruity pebbles.
What do you call a room full of scientists who are idiots
a Silicon
These jokes are boron me
Wanna hear a joke about potassium? K.
I remember a joke my dad told me once. In Finnish it goes "olipa kerran kuningas, jolla oli sen pituinen se." which translates into "Once upon a time there was a king, who had The End."
[QUOTE=Bordellimies;32570604]I remember a joke my dad told me once. In Finnish it goes "olipa kerran kuningas, jolla oli sen pituinen se." which translates into "Once upon a time there was a king, who had The End."[/QUOTE]
It doesn't work in english.
Religion is logical and makes sense
A boy and his mother return from a long holiday by train. They are greeted at the station by their father, who notices that they are accompanied by an old man. THe father asks who it is, and the mother says "He was in our sleeper carriage on the way back - he's actually a Vietnam war hero." The boy says "Some hero! He was afraid of going to bed without mummy."
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are discussing what nationality Adam and Eve were. The Englishman says "They must have been British - only a gentleman would give his last apple to his lady." The Frenchman says "No, they were French - only a Frenchman could charm a woman so easily." The American says "I think they were Russians. Who else would walk around naked in a garden full of snakes with only one apple to share between them, and think they were in paradise?"
A Russian, a Frenchman and a Polak were lined up for a firing squad. Thinking fast, the Russian yelled "Flood!" The soldiers turned to look and the Russian escaped. Taking his cue, the Frenchman yelled, "Tornado!". Again the soldiers turned and the Frenchman escaped. Thinking he`s got the idea, the Polak yells "fire!"
[QUOTE=Firearms 136;32562110]What is the definition of self-destruction?
- A lepper with epilepsy.[/QUOTE]
I have the weirdest image in my head.
Anyway, what's red and silly?
A blood clot.
[editline]1st October 2011[/editline]
[QUOTE=Bordellimies;32570604]I remember a joke my dad told me once. In Finnish it goes "olipa kerran kuningas, jolla oli sen pituinen se." which translates into "Once upon a time there was a king, who had The End."[/QUOTE]
[url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IA0sY3B7Irg&feature=player_detailpage#t=21s[/url]
Gorbachev received a letter from the Byelorussian Republic requesting approval for a new Navy. He was quite puzzled, as the Republic was landlocked and didn't even have a decent lake, and queried the request .The reply soon came "Uzbekistan has a Ministry of Culture, so why can't we have a Navy?"
How many alzheimer patient does it to screw a light bulb
to get to the other side?
[editline]1st October 2011[/editline]
A mexican, a jew and a black walks into a bar.
They enjoy the night out together.
[editline]1st October 2011[/editline]
Your mother is so fat, the escape velocity at her surface exceeds 3*10^8 M/S
An American, a Frenchman, and a Russian are on a death row. As an trial, they are put into empty detention cells, given two large steel spheres each and told to do something extraordinary with them, in which case they will be free. On the next morning, their captors check on them. The American managed to put one sphere on top of the other. "Nice", say the judges. The Frenchman learned to juggle them in any ways possible. "Impressive" is the reaction. The Russian sits, holding his head in despair. "What's the matter? Where the hell are your spheres?" judges say, astonished. He replies: "I broke one and lost the other".
[editline]1st October 2011[/editline]
An American, a French guy and a Russian are sentenced to death. Each is allowed to choose the method of execution. The Frenchman goes first, and chooses a guillotine. But the guillotine is not working, so they set him free. As he passes by the American, he whispers: "The guillotine is broken", so the American also chooses the guillotine, and is also set free. As the American passes by the Russian, he whispers: "The guillotine is broken". "Well, since the guillotine is broken, - says the Russian, - then give me the firing squad!"
what's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
the wheelchair.
So there's this feminist.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Whats the difference between an American woman and a Pakistani woman?
American women get stoned [B][I]before [/I][/B] they commit adultery
[QUOTE=UberMunchkin;32587941]
Why did the spy cross the road?
[sp]He never really was on your side[/sp]
[/QUOTE]
That joke is so old even Aristoteles thought it was late
Two atoms are walking down the street, one turns to the other and says "I think I dropped an electron" the other one asks "Are you sure?" and the atom replies "Im positive!"
haaaaaa
another one
There are three blondes walking through the forest and they see some tracks, one of them says "Those are deer tracks!" the second one says "No those are elk tracks!" and the third one says "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks!" They kept arguing up until the train hit them.
one more
This kid's walking around his house looking for his dad and older brother, he goes up to his dad's door and opens it up. He sees his dad naked in bed with a woman, the kid asks "What are you doing!?!" The dad says "Playing poker" then the kid asks "well who's that?" the dad replies "she's my wildcard". The kid shrugs, closes the door and goes to find his brother.
The kid goes to his brother's room and opens the door, he sees his brother in bed naked with a girl. The kid asks "What are you doing!?!" The brother says "Playing poker" then the kid asks "well who's that?" the brother replies "she's my wildcard". The kid shrugs, closes the door.
Later the brother and dad are looking for the kid, they go to his room and opens his door. They see the kid in bed naked jacking off, the dad asks "What are you doing!?!?" the kid replies "playing poker" The dad asks "well where's your wild card?"
and the kid responds "Who needs a wild card when you have a hand like this!"
the battlefield 3 beta
[QUOTE=Bordellimies;32570604]I remember a joke my dad told me once. In Finnish it goes "olipa kerran kuningas, jolla oli sen pituinen se." which translates into "Once upon a time there was a king, who had The End."[/QUOTE]
Reminds me of a conversation I had with a Dutch friend of mine:
[quote][03:02:53 PM] James Barton: I wonder if you would be able to understand the punchline of an english joke if I translated it to dutch through a translator?
[03:03:22 PM] James Barton: I hear that plays on words don't tranlaste well through languages
[03:03:30 PM] Stijn Köster: definitely
[03:03:35 PM] James Barton: Different sentence structures and all that
[03:05:28 PM] James Barton: Wat deed de politie met de man die slikte een vuurwerk en zijn maat die dronken accuzuur?
Een van hen was laat uit en de andere was geladen
[03:05:32 PM] James Barton: Let me guess
[03:05:35 PM] James Barton: Gibberish
[03:05:59 PM] Stijn Köster: it makes little to no sense yeah
[03:06:28 PM] James Barton: Haahah, thought so
[03:06:40 PM] James Barton: Makes more sense in english
[03:06:49 PM] Stijn Köster: I expected as much
[03:06:54 PM] James Barton: What did the police do with the man who swallowed a firework and his mate who drank battery acid?
One was let off and the other was charged
[03:07:12 PM] Stijn Köster: I already thought it was gonna be something like that
[03:10:17 PM] James Barton: I imagine it was because charged doesn't have two meanings in dutch like it does in english
[03:10:29 PM] James Barton: It probably translated to "energized" or something like that
[03:10:38 PM] James Barton: :P
[03:11:17 PM] Stijn Köster: yeah, it used the sense of what you do with batteries
[/quote]
WARNING: LONG BUT EXCELLENT READ
My job is so f*cking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f*cking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f*cking dog to work.
Every f*cking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single f*cking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t.
[QUOTE=Chaplin;32589189]Joke[/QUOTE]
Nice.
Not exactly a joke, but this thing is always sitting at a park one of my friends works at.
[img]http://i.imgur.com/6Fwrn.jpg[/img]
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