• Embarrassing Situations v2 "I shat myself in public"
    270 replies, posted
[QUOTE=Steamjunke;39766324]In 7th Grade, I was in science class and my [B]"female" teacher[/B] was passing out papers. When she got to the row on the left of me and my partner she bent over to give the papers out to the people in the other row, so I turned left really fast not knowing my teacher's ass was like 1 or 4 inches away from my face! My head merged really really hard with my teachers ass and well... I got suspended for "accidentally smacking my teachers ass with my face.."[/QUOTE] why is "female" in quotations what are you trying to say here
One time i was at a party and this diabetic girl i had classes with came, she was pretty obese. We were all outside playing beer pong (it was my friends house) and i went out to smoke a blunt. She asked for it, and she was fucking hammered by this time, but i gave it to her anyway cause i had to take a piss. I went inside, and when i came out she was in that [I]tottering about to fall over like a building demolition gone wrong[/I] stance, but she was standing... Just barely. She started leaning towards one side and began windmilling trying to save herself, and EVERYONE outside was just hanging out, but somehow we ended up being in a circle around her (she sort of windmilled in between people) and she fell flat on her fat ass on the ground. I was crying so hard laughing that i honestly fell on the ground and just sat there, tears streaming, while everyone was laughing with me. She was too shitfaced to realize how much of a fool she was making herself out to be, and her friend took her to her own car to sober up. I went out there like 10 minutes later, in my drunk wandering stage, and my friend made out with her, and i started laughing because when i came up, he instantly backed off and pretended like he didnt do it. I smoked a few cig's and roamed around again, and next time i went to that area, she was passed out in her car with a fuck ton of vomit all over her seat. We opened her door to make sure she was still alive, and we figured we might as well try and carry her to the porch or some shit so she didnt vomit all in her car (Gentleman thing to do right) Well, when i said she was obese, i meant it. And she was dead weight. Well, my previous scandalous mate, who made out with her and i dogged him for it, sort of pushed her with his foot on the ass, and she fell face first into the vomit on the cement ground. I yelled "ooh shit man what the fuck" cause you could hear a hollow KNOCK, when you hit your head hard. By that time we had a crowd of around 8 people, all watching as we tried to excavate this sad person. First, we drug her out of the car, (inadvertently through her own vomit) and laid her flat on the ground. From there, our best engineering minds compiled a simple one person with legs, one person with arm grip. It was great, except for the fact that her limp head slammed back on the ground again, all the while with me cringing in pain, and a deep seated mirth at someones misfortune. With a team of 4 strong men, we carried her, step by step to the front porch of the house. We sat her in a rocking chair, and she stayed. SUCCESS!! NOT. She slid out of the chair, and slumped there leaning against it, so i just said fuck it, and went back inside. By that time, someone said "yo man cops are roaming" so i started putting all the visible beer and alcohol inside cabinents, so if a cop looked through the door he wouldnt see anything. Then i heard "OH FUCK, COPS" so i bolted towards the back door, and while pulling it open started saying "YO, JAMES THE FUCKING PIGS ARE HE-" and i shit you not, i opened the door with a cop standing there. He said "yeah motherfucker, we are here. sit your ass down" Then we all got breathalyzed, while everyone was flushing pot down the toilet. I told them i hadnt drank anything, and then i blew a .17 or .18 i cant remember, but i was pretty shitfaced. told me to call my parents, i called my older brother, and he picked me up. One of the most embarrassing (albeit not for me) and entertaining nights of my life.
Oh man do I have one for you guys. 4 days ago I was minding my own business, listening to music and drawing in my study hall class since I had nothing to do. My friend, who sits right next to me, comes up with the bright idea of getting some food from the vending machines. I ask the teacher, and she says it's OK, but we can't eat our food in the room. We get to the vending machines, and I get a pack of Doritos and a Sprite. We go and sit just outside the room and eat, while talking about music or something. Then he asks me "Did you hear that?" "Hear what?" That's when it happens. He lets fly one of the longest and loudest farts I've ever heard, and I begin laughing. I laugh until I get half of a dorito lodged in my throat, still laughing because he's now looking me in the eyes and still farting. I am now choking to death and laughing at it. He says "Take a drink dude!" and I do so. Then he does it again, but this time louder. Sprite sprayed out of my nose at the velocity of a bullet fired from a gun. While this is happening, he's sitting there laughing at me, which makes me laugh even harder. The teacher opens the door to find us, in the middle of the hall, laughing hysterically. When I'm able to sort of speak she asks me what happened and I reply with the most interesting thing to ever exit my mouth "I was eating and he farted and- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" I have no idea why I thought that was so goddamn funny, but I kept laughing. So much so, that I actually began to cry. All the while he's still sitting there, laughing at me and farting. To make matters worse, as I'm dying in the hallway, the girl I've been chatting up for the better part of the month walks by and sees me laughing at this kid. I have no idea if he's superhuman, or just a wizard, but he just kept belting them out until the end of the day.
I was walking up the stairwell to my first block class, and the night before i ate two whole cans of manwich baked beans because i didnt have shit else to eat in my house for some reason, and i had BAD gas. I've NEVER had that bad of gas, literally every 5 minutes a large sized fart was ready to burst out of my ass like a jew from the IRS, and i had held it in for like 15 minutes while chatting with a chick friend of mine. I began walking up the stairwell, and the steps dislodged the build up. Second step, i began releasing a silent fart, but not the small ones, it was like a gushing 'OOOOOSSSS' fart out of my ass. I hit the turn around and began walking up, when a group of fat ass black ratchet bitches began walking down, talking about gangs and shit, and one of then hits my crop dust and literally gagged and yelled "WUT DA FUCK IS DAT SMELL" and i began smirking the entire way out of the stairwell.
My mother used to always embarrass me at school this when time in 6th Grade she was driving me home and I made a remark that made her angry enough to get out of the car and beatbox! I was so embarrassed that I got into the drivers seat while my mom was stirring up a crowd and I drove like 4 or 5 miles ahead of her, not knowing until I see on the rear view mirror my mother is running right at me and the car! I was so scared that I drove off a little and she fell face flat on the road!
this morning i was riding my bike to school and this car was turning into the parking lot, but was kind enough to stop and let me go ahead. so i waved and when my hand went back to my bike, i accidentally pressed super hard on the brakes and flipped over and i saw her laughing
I work as a lifeguard and I'm sitting at the bottom of one of our slides, it's a big toilet-bowl type thing but there isn't a tube that you sit in, you lie on your back. Since you drop out the hole in the middle the pool below the bowl is 3 meters deep, now, surprisingly a lot of people cannot swim and it's to the point where the lifeguard up top dispatching must ask every single guest (no matter who they are or how many times they've been on it) "can you swim in 3 meters of water?" Kids, wanting to go on the slide and especially after waiting in line will say yes regardless, so we get a lot of people that start to actively drown. (Flailing limbs, trying to stay above surface, but unable to) The water is freezing since the bowl is over the water, the sun never touches it and our uniform consists of swim trunks, a shirt and a hat like this [img]http://images.esellerpro.com/2296/W/707/8/smscalegi_hat_hunter_green1a.jpg[/img] So, long story short, if you go in, you're going to be wet and cold for a long while. Anyway, the background is longer than the actual story: I'm sitting there in the freezing cold water and some huge dude (huge as in... overweight) plops down and since he weighed so much he went nearly all the way to the bottom. Average weight people go from 1/4 to 1/3 the depth. Now, since water is pouring in from the top the water is full of bubbles and you can't see. I'm waiting there for him to surface, my hand on the emergency stop button about to go in. One... two... three... up to eleven or so... I decide "screw it" and go in. I press the E-stop button to turn off the slide so when I pull him to the surface the water won't be pouring down on us and in case I need a backboard/provide rescue breathing. Turns out that when he fell in, he dropped his sunglasses, so he was looking around for them at the bottom and then proceeded to swim literally underwater up the staircase past where I sit and I swear like Navy SEAL surfaced without any making any sound and stepped out. So after going in and not seeing him, I'm starting to panic because... this dude just literally warped out of the pool. It's dark, there's bubbles everywhere, the chlorine hurts my eyes, I go to the surface and get a breath and go back under but right as I'm going under I see him looking oddly at me from outside of the pool, so right after I go under water a second time and that image processed in my panicked mind, I was like "you've [b]got[/b] to be kidding me." So I get out shamefully, and the waterslide is stopped because I pressed E-stop and now the line is held up, I'm cold, I look like an idiot in front of everyone there and what's worse is the slide can only be started by the one manager and they have to fill out an incident report first. So I got to explain that whole story to my manager who was radioed away from whatever (s)he was doing. So that process took 15 minutes and the guests up top certainly weren't happy, yet I had to sit there and accept their glares as they came out of the slide. Important thing is: I still don't care if this happens again, it's way better than it actually being real. tl;dr: if you don't know, go!
I was planning to meet someone I had been flirting with for a while, and she implied that sexual things may happen. I planned a nice date that involved having a good amount of wine and cheese and bread. I realized I had I forgotten bread for the cheeses and condoms. We see eachother and awkwardly hug, and she tells me she needs to pee, so we go to the supermarket, which is the only place with a bathroom nearby. While she is in there, I get a baguette, and try to look for condoms, but fail to find where they go. As I walk to the register with her, I noticed the condoms and said "oh there they are". We both froze up, stared at eachother, and started laughing nervously. She told me to get a specific brand that she preferred. Paying at the cash register was the most embarrassing moment of our lives. There were kids everywhere as I gave the guy a baguette and condoms, and nothing else. The guy joked that we would need to eat some of the bread to get the condom on, and we laughed nervously as I handed over the money. And that was the time I bought only bread and condoms with the person I used them on.
I was riding my bike down the road, and some douche bird flies next to the spokes. I of course swerve to avoid hitting it, and slam into a bump in the sidewalk. I did a frontflip and landed several feet away from the handlebars. I laid there for a solid minute trying to process what had happened.
[QUOTE=Durrsly;39769390]I was riding my bike down the road, and some douche bird flies next to the spokes. I of course swerve to avoid hitting it, and slam into a bump in the sidewalk. I did a frontflip and landed several feet away from the handlebars. I laid there for a solid minute trying to process what had happened.[/QUOTE] Ah, reminds me of when I took my dog out for a run. A good 3 blocks down the road, some fucking randomass pipe thing just shows up from out of the ground for no reason, and my foot gets stuck on it and I slam my face into the concrete. My dog immediately sat down in the "I don't care if you're dead I'm not leaving your side" position. I got up, looked around to make sure no one saw it, and hobbled back home.
Just thought of another one. Same class, different day. A while back I changed the text notification noise on my phone to Jon from Game Grumps yelling "HEIL HITLER!!!". No idea why I thought that was smart, but I forgot about because I usually just mute my phone during school hours. Well, after a long day of test after test I finally get to sit back and relax. Little did I remember that I forgot to mute my phone because I was expecting a call during lunch. Just as everybody has settled down and began going about their tasks, my friend decides to text me. And in the middle of a room with 8 other people, a high pitched "HEIL HITLER" echoes through it. I felt like ending my life at that moment. But, lucky for me, everybody in that class has a really good sense of humor. I got off with only a "Put that thing on vibrate" warning. I still felt like a dumbass though. Another one, from the old thread, but I'll repost it anyway. Let me preface this story with a simple fact. I get nosebleeds when I'm in hot or dry environments. They are random, and vary in how severe they can get. I have no idea when one will happen, or how bad it will be. In 9th grade I got my first "Serious" girlfriend. This was the first girl I'd ever taken on a formal date, the first one that I'd actually truly loved. We were inseparable during the weekends, and we spent most of our time just hanging out at each other's houses. Well, one evening around summertime, I'm at her house and we had just finished watching some bullshit romantic comedy. Her parents are out of the house (at a dinner party or something) and it was just me, her, and a giant empty house. She looks at me and asks if I want to go to her room. Now, at this moment, my 15 year old mind is screaming in anticipation. I'm like "Jesus man, this is it! I'm going to do it!" and I tell her sure. We get to her room and it's becoming apparent that something is going to happen. She pulls me into the room, without turning on the light, and we start making out on her bed. My mind is going absolutely crazy thinking about what I'm going to do to her. After about 15 minutes of making out, I start to feel this wet, warm sensation on my upper lip. I think it's sweat/saliva/whateverthefuck and just ignore it. After another 5 minutes or so, she feels it too. She tells me that she's going to turn the light on, and I say fine. She flicks the switch and all I can say is "Damn!" Her bed looked like somebody was murdered with a chainsaw on it. Blood, my blood, was absolutely everywhere. And sure enough, when I checked, it was my nose doing it. She screamed at me to get the hell out and never come back. And, after what I'd done, I figured that I'd better obey that recommendation. She never called me back, texted me, or even talked to me after that. The moral of this story: Don't be me I'll post more in the morning if I you guys want. I've got more than enough of them.
[QUOTE=OficerHonkHonk;39769816]Let me preface this story with a simple fact. I get nosebleeds when I'm in hot or dry environments. They are random, and vary in how severe they can get. I have no idea when one will happen, or how bad it will be. In 9th grade I got my first "Serious" girlfriend. This was the first girl I'd ever taken on a formal date, the first one that I'd actually truly loved. We were inseparable during the weekends, and we spent most of our time just hanging out at each other's houses. Well, one evening around summertime, I'm at her house and we had just finished watching some bullshit romantic comedy. Her parents are out of the house (at a dinner party or something) and it was just me, her, and a giant empty house. She looks at me and asks if I want to go to her room. Now, at this moment, my 15 year old mind is screaming in anticipation. I'm like "Jesus man, this is it! I'm going to do it!" and I tell her sure. We get to her room and it's becoming apparent that something is going to happen. She pulls me into the room, without turning on the light, and we start making out on her bed. My mind is going absolutely crazy thinking about what I'm going to do to her. After about 15 minutes of making out, I start to feel this wet, warm sensation on my upper lip. I think it's sweat/saliva/whateverthefuck and just ignore it. After another 5 minutes or so, she feels it too. She tells me that she's going to turn the light on, and I say fine. She flicks the switch and all I can say is "Damn!" Her bed looked like somebody was murdered with a chainsaw on it. Blood, my blood, was absolutely everywhere. And sure enough, when I checked, it was my nose doing it. She screamed at me to get the hell out and never come back. And, after what I'd done, I figured that I'd better obey that recommendation. She never called me back, texted me, or even talked to me after that. The moral of this story: Don't be me I'll post more in the morning if I you guys want. I've got more than enough of them.[/QUOTE] What a bitch, like really, it's a common thing some kids have at that age.
sounds like one of my japanese animes
[QUOTE=Sardonus;39771482]sounds like one of my japanese animes[/QUOTE] chinese cartoons
Okay so i have two classes this semseter, as opposed to the usual 4. And in those two classes, they are the easiest, bullshit classes you can choose. Hospitality and tourism, and weightlifting. Hospitality and tourism is some bs marketing class that i havent done shit in, havent learned anything in, and ive been there for 3 months. Me, and all my goons ive known since middle school are in there so we get a little rowdy. Our teacher is the cheerleading coach, so she doesnt mind yelling if that gives you any sort of idea. Fast forward a bit, Teacher left to go to florida, we got left with a subsitute. We all got around the internet blocker, and someone went on bestgore.com and started looking up decapitation videos as a shocker, well... The ENTIRE class began watching them and you can hear retching, me yelling "OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK" and any plethora of exclamations. We watched like 3 videos, and then a video of a guy benching 600 pounds, and dropping it on our chest. The subsitute just sat there on his laptop watching finding nemo, didn't say a word. And to anyone, i dont know HOW we started watching them, i think it began on a convo of gory movies, and then drug cartels, etc you know how it progresses. Well, next week the teacher comes back. We are all sitting down waiting for her to get in class, and she storms in and slams the door closed. She then proceeds to say, no bull shit "I HAVE HAD A REPORT, THAT YOU ALL WERE WATCHING DECAPITATION VIDEOS, AND BABY DEATHS" and i just CRACK out laughing, because the situation was so funny. I was sitting there gasping for air, doing those silent shakes while my teacher bitches out the entire class, about watching people die, and i couldn't breathe. ooh god i still chuckle.
Seems like this kind of thing happens alot, but here goes: Yesterday we ordered pizza, the delivery man came and handed me the pizza and said "Enjoy your meal", to which I replied "Yeah, you too!" :suicide:
I'm pretty sure I've told this one before, but here goes: We used to surf the internet on the teachers PC before class in High School. I was surfing the 1000 gifs -thread and put it on the projector so that everyone else could see it too. So, at one point one of those "badger, badger, mushroom mushroom" -badgers dancing with a huge dick came on the screen. It was absolutely massive and caused the shitty PC to slow down to a drag. So, as the teacher marched in the first thing she saw was the massive badger with a massive swinging dick the size of the wall.
Here's a good one starring facepuncher smfE; We went to subway and ordered our shit, as normal. The thing about subway here is, when you get to the registrer, they ask if you want chips or an apple. I took the chips, however, when they asked smfE, he seemed to have forgotten what the fuck an apple was. "chips or apple?" - "Ehh...apple?" To which she points at a basket of apples right in fucking front of him. I facepalm'd vigoriously.
This happened to me a while ago. So in English we were doing some report where we each picked a classic book from a list and did a massive oral report on it. I chose Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut, and I'm glad I did because it may be one of the coolest books I've ever read. I was feeling pretty prepared for it, and I had made the coolest poster ever. The following is a transcription of my oral report. My thoughts are italicized. The teacher says it's my turn. [I]ohh noooooo[/I] So I mosey on up there, grab my poster. I clip it up onto the whiteboard. People are like "Ooooooh" because my poster is pretty awesome. [i]alright brave through it[/i] I start reading from my outline, and I do pretty well. I add some ad lib humor here and there. [i]oh jesus why are my hands shaking i used to do awesome public speaking can i not do that anymore oh nooooooo[/i] So towards the middle I really start getting nervous. Visibly so. I make a remark about how the plot is so odd, and I remark, "I think it's interesting because it's a weird thing to think about." [i]well that sounded pretty clumsy[/i] "And I always like weird things to think about." Massive laughter. Unfortunately, it took a few seconds before I realized what I had just said. [i]wait what the fuck why the laughter OH SHIT[/i] It may have been a long term benefit however because it took a lot of the pressure off. Oh, and may I mention that the girl I'm crushing on was sitting in practically THE FIRST ROW? Anyway, not a whole lot of fun.
Walking down the street with some friends, one of them was in the air cadets and one of them has a habit of shouting intensely offensive things for no reason. Oh I live in an army garrison town aswell, which will be important later. So we are walking and see a group of army cadets collecting money for charity and shouty friend shouts that my other friend was in the air cadets. The army cadets threw back some friendly banter and everyone was chuckling when shouty friend shouts: "It doesn't matter you're both going to die in afghanistan anyway". I froze and the street went fucking silent, all eyes glaring at him. Are you fucking kidding me what the fuck. So we walk away as fast as possible trying not to get jumped by a group of pissed off cadets/passersby. That's not it, we had to walk back up the street a few minutes later. Not so embarrassing for me but it was terrible, being friends with public enemy #1.
[QUOTE=RagamuffinIIII;39773489]Walking down the street with some friends, one of them was in the air cadets and one of them has a habit of shouting intensely offensive things for no reason. Oh I live in an army garrison town aswell, which will be important later. So we are walking and see a group of army cadets collecting money for charity and shouty friend shouts that my other friend was in the air cadets. The army cadets threw back some friendly banter and everyone was chuckling when shouty friend shouts: "It doesn't matter you're both going to die in afghanistan anyway". I froze and the street went fucking silent, all eyes glaring at him. Are you fucking kidding me what the fuck. So we walk away as fast as possible trying not to get jumped by a group of pissed off cadets/passersby. That's not it, we had to walk back up the street a few minutes later. Not so embarrassing for me but it was terrible, being friends with public enemy #1.[/QUOTE] i would have decked that guy, just saying. Like half of my family is in the military. Friend or not hes getting jaw locked
[QUOTE=Septimas;39775428]i would have decked that guy, just saying. Like half of my family is in the military. Friend or not hes getting jaw locked[/QUOTE] I completely agree, but I knew he didn't actually mean it and was just trying to shock people, for whatever reason. Especially since all of us have military in our families.
Just had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy under sedation today. It all went pretty smoothly until I woke up and started yelling crazy shit out loud because of the high the sedation gave me. I remember I was trying to get up from bed and It was like I had this huge gravitational force pulling me down. I remember I kept farting and laughing out loud (of the farts), because they pumped some air into my intestines, I also remember that I stuck my finger into my butt and told something like "Holly shit, you've destroyed my anus!". I never expected I'd be doing weird shit like this in front of other people in all my life. Good thing is they probably deal with shit like this every day.
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;39776400]Just had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy under sedation today. It all went pretty smoothly until I woke up and started yelling crazy shit out loud because of the high the sedation gave me. I remember I was trying to get up from bed and It was like I had this huge gravitational force pulling me down. I remember I kept farting and laughing out loud (of the farts), because they pumped some air into my intestines, I also remember that I stuck my finger into my butt and told something like "Holly shit, you've destroyed my anus!". I never expected I'd be doing weird shit like this in front of other people in all my life. Good thing is they probably deal with shit like this every day.[/QUOTE] That mental picture is too much
This girl at my lunch table apparently had some cousin "die " ( fuckin cousin was a baby, not even far along, it was a miscarriage) and me and this other girl kept making the most vile dead baby jokes, without realizing that had happened Then she started crying. I felt a little bad, but honestly i dont know what the fucking deal with that would be, something she never saw, met, died, and she cries? idk.
I got something that haunted me for the rest of my life! So me and my friend were supposed to go to detention one day and we were supposed to go into our 2 period class room! That's where it happened, at one point we stopped and heard a faint moan, we both decided to be the detectives we are and investigate, at first we thought someone was getting stabbed because it wasn't one of those pleasant moans. We walked in on our teacher having sex... SEX with our 7th period teacher, thank God they didn't see us... it wasn't embarrassing for us but for the teacher, she must have a whole new story for her husband...
>18 >getting my wisdom teeth pulled >wake up, parents and nurses are helping me into my mother's car >farted very loud, everyone is laughing, not even giving a fuck because of how fucked up i am >driving home, laid out in the passenger seat >vaguely recollect talking about Chico's Tacos, how big of a jew my older brother is, and how hungry i am >they gave me a piece of paper and pencil, to write down my thoughts to look at later on >kept writing gibberish, and using blood from my mouth to smear all over the paper >mother makes a left turn >doesn't use turn-signal >i go fucking #tardstatus for whatever reason >flailing around the vehicle, yanking the steering wheel, and yelling obscenities >mom is fucking terrified >i yank the steering wheel left, and almost run us into a building >step-dad has to restrain me the rest of the time >barely remember any of this shit i remember waking up on the couch in my living room, there was blood all over my face, and my parents were laughing at me, and explaining what happened. thought it was the most odd thing, but pretty damn funny.
I was trying to get a soda from a vending machine at school between classes once, and the damn thing wouldn't take the dollar. I yelled "TAKE IT YOU WHORE" and then noticed the vending machine was right next to a classroom door. I heard a faint giggle from someone walking a little bit away.
[QUOTE=RagamuffinIIII;39773489]Walking down the street with some friends, one of them was in the air cadets and one of them has a habit of shouting intensely offensive things for no reason. Oh I live in an army garrison town aswell, which will be important later. So we are walking and see a group of army cadets collecting money for charity and shouty friend shouts that my other friend was in the air cadets. The army cadets threw back some friendly banter and everyone was chuckling when shouty friend shouts: "It doesn't matter you're both going to die in afghanistan anyway". I froze and the street went fucking silent, all eyes glaring at him. Are you fucking kidding me what the fuck. So we walk away as fast as possible trying not to get jumped by a group of pissed off cadets/passersby. That's not it, we had to walk back up the street a few minutes later. Not so embarrassing for me but it was terrible, being friends with public enemy #1.[/QUOTE] That is horrifying. They are lucky they weren't combat veterans, otherwise there might have been a much more violent situation.
I brought this one on my self. A while ago a girl in my school killed herself. The next week or so everyone was only talking about that. She was amazing too. I really liked her. I'd only became friends with her about a month before she did it to :/ She was perfect though. Friendly as all hell, ecstatic and bouncy, a humanitarian, her dream world was one where we were all equal. She was just great. The kind of girl you could play CoD with and have a beer on the couch. A bro with a vagina. anyway one day a bunch of people in class were all sitting and talking about her and one of them mentions how beautiful she was and I replied with "yeah, she's drop dead gorgeous" I fucking cringed typing this again oh god I'm so sorry honestly for some reason I thought making an offensive joke would help me cope that was the day I discovered the combination of the "shock/gasp/laugh"
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