The Super Friendly Social and Love Advice Thread v2 - General

[QUOTE=Shovelpass;34480047]Except I disagree with you. The whole "relationships need work" thing is just something people use as a crutch in order to excuse their laziness in finding someone right for them. They find someone and stick with them regardless of how compatible they are. When trouble arises, it's "relationships require work" instead of "this person isn't right for me." My relationship has required zero work. Zero. We never fight, have never been upset with each other, and a perfectly fine with giving each other as much space as we need. What I have is a real relationship, and it's because I took the time to find someone who is actually compatible with me. Sure, we might disagree on things, but it's always a joke fight like "You're wrong! No, you're wrong! You're wronger than wrong wrong wrong!" and whatnot. So if she left me, it'd be because of my lack of effort? That just sounds dumb. If another dude came along who is better than me in every way, even if she's happy with me, she will most likely leave the relationship because she could most likely be even more happy with him. No amount of effort I put in is going to change that. Relation[b]ships[/b] are essentially just that, ships. Ships in the sea of life. Sure, the ship might fall apart due to shoddy construction, that'd be its own fault. However, its success is mostly left up to the sea. You can't control the weather, or the tides, you just hold on and see if you make it. Just because you don't doesn't mean you did something wrong or it's someone's fault.[/QUOTE] I'm going to assume you've been dating your girlfriend for 3-4 months at most. In that time span, it's hard to run into conflict unless you really aren't right for the person you're dating. Not to mention, you're still finding out things about the person you're dating and nothing horribly personal is really coming out that could be a deal breaker that early. I wouldn't take the stance of "people who say relationships require work" are lazy when you probably haven't been in one for longer than a year. I was in a solid relationship with a girl for 2.5 years. We had our conflicts, our issues and our struggles with another but we stuck with each other so long because we liked each other a lot and worked out our problems. We didn't just say "whelp, we had a fight, lets break up and move on to the next sluzza," because that isn't how relationships work in the real world. Hell, the only reason we broke up is because she went to college on the East coast and I stayed on the West. We're still good friends and I see her every summer, but we managed our relationship and it worked. Real world relationships require work. Everyone will have a fight at some point, but the effort you put in will help negate a lot of the issues you run into when dating that person. The fact you haven't fought even once with your girlfriend means either it's early in the relationship or both of you are trying hard to impress each other still. Good luck to you, but it's not going to be sunshine, rainbows and bronies forever.

[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;34480372]This is an extremely tedious discussion. It seems to me that attempting to weasel into a relationship by picking at the seams of somebody's insecurities is exceptionally juvenile.[/QUOTE] ... this is like me saying "I think pick-up is routines and disregarding women's opinions and using a lot of sexism" which in reality it isn't, it's just the way you look at it. A coin has two sides to it, y'know? Besides, I have proven your perspective a bit "extreme" earlier. [editline]31st January 2012[/editline] [QUOTE=Evilan;34480515]I'm going to assume you've been dating your girlfriend for 3-4 months at most. In that time span, it's hard to run into conflict unless you really aren't right for the person you're dating. Not to mention, you're still finding out things about the person you're dating and nothing horribly personal is really coming out that could be a deal breaker that early. I wouldn't take the stance of "people who say relationships require work" are lazy when you probably haven't been in one for longer than a year. I was in a solid relationship with a girl for 2.5 years. We had our conflicts, our issues and our struggles with another but we stuck with each other so long because we liked each other a lot and worked out our problems. We didn't just say "whelp, we had a fight, lets break up and move on to the next sluzza," because that isn't how relationships work in the real world. Hell, the only reason we broke up is because she went to college on the East coast and I stayed on the West. We're still good friends and I see her every summer, but we managed our relationship and it worked. Real world relationships require work. Everyone will have a fight at some point, but the effort you put in will help negate a lot of the issues you run into when dating that person. The fact you haven't fought even once with your girlfriend means either it's early in the relationship or both of you are trying hard to impress each other still. Good luck to you, but it's not going to be sunshine, rainbows and bronies forever.[/QUOTE] This is starting to drift to "how a relationship works in real life, according to me" discussion.

[QUOTE=Seith;34480516]This is starting to drift to "how a relationship works in real life, according to me" discussion.[/QUOTE] Conflict is inevitable in a relationship. At some point you'll disagree on something, how you handle it determines the outcome. It's less according to me (although part of it is my opinion) and more of how relationships tend to work out.

[QUOTE=Evilan;34480588]Conflict is inevitable in a relationship. At some point you'll disagree on something, how you handle it determines the outcome. It's less according to me (although part of it is my opinion) and more of how relationships tend to work out.[/QUOTE] yeah that's why it's always good to learn from other people or even friends stories and fuck ups so we at least try to avoid the traps

[QUOTE=Evilan;34480588]Conflict is inevitable in a relationship. At some point you'll disagree on something, how you handle it determines the outcome. It's less according to me (although part of it is my opinion) and more of how relationships tend to work out.[/QUOTE] I agree my friend, but this isn't what we were discussing a few posts up. We were discussing how everybody looks at a person who engages in a conversation with a woman who is in a relationship.

Conflict is a healthy part of every relationship. I'm not sure how well a relationship can do if you don't disagree on [I]something.[/I]

[QUOTE=Seith;34480630]I agree my friend, but this isn't what we were discussing a few posts up. We were discussing how everybody looks at a person who engages in a conversation with a woman who is in a relationship.[/QUOTE] I always seem to get the context wrong in both of the relationship threads in the Chat section. This is like the third time this week someone has said this to me. [editline]31st January 2012[/editline] [QUOTE=Pascall;34480643]Conflict is a healthy part of every relationship. I'm not sure how well a relationship can do if you don't disagree on [I]something.[/I][/QUOTE] It would be super boring is what it would be.

By sheer chance I decided to hop into an IRC chat, and I found someone. I wasn't even looking or anything, he just kept chatting me up every time I connected. I applaud myself for trying something new, and my loneliness is all but gone! My body may not be all that hot, but my mind sure is. I feel so very jubilant, even if it doesn't work out in the end, I'm promised a friend for life, and that's more than what can be said about my last hookup.

[QUOTE=Pascall;34480643]Conflict is a healthy part of every relationship. I'm not sure how well a relationship can do if you don't disagree on [I]something.[/I][/QUOTE] Disagreement =/= conflict. My girlfriend is a drastically different person than myself, we have completely different interests and ideologies. We disagree and [i]discuss[/i] things, we but never have conflicts. Huge difference. Evilan, I've been with her for 2 years. The reason why relationships are difficult and require effort for most people can be seen in your reactions to me. I say they don't have to be that hard and can actually be extremely easy, and receive stuff like "well sorry we can't all be perfect" and other hostility. It has nothing to do with me personally, anyone can have a relationship like mine. However, you can't have a relationship like mine if you refuse to believe they can exist. That's the big problem with most people. You're so ready to settle for less. Instead of pursuing perfection, you sit there complacent with relationships that contain fighting and conflict. Instead of going "I want better," you go "Well, everyone else has the same problems so I guess it's okay." You try to justify it further by making conflict out to be exciting or whatever. My relationship is nothing but fun, we go out all the time and try all kinds of new things. We don't waste time fighting or "take breaks," trying to hide how incompatible we are.

[QUOTE=Shovelpass;34480984]Disagreement =/= conflict. My girlfriend is a drastically different person than myself, we have completely different interests and ideologies. We disagree and [i]discuss[/i] things, we but never have conflicts. Huge difference. Evilan, I've been with her for 2 years. The reason why relationships are difficult and require effort for most people can be seen in your reactions to me. I say they don't have to be that hard and can actually be extremely easy, and receive stuff like "well sorry we can't all be perfect" and other hostility. It has nothing to do with me personally, anyone can have a relationship like mine. However, you can't have a relationship like mine if you refuse to believe they can exist. That's the big problem with most people. You're so ready to settle for less. Instead of pursuing perfection, you sit there complacent with relationships that contain fighting and conflict. Instead of going "I want better," you go "Well, everyone else has the same problems so I guess it's okay." You try to justify it further by making conflict out to be exciting or whatever. My relationship is nothing but fun, we go out all the time and try all kinds of new things. We don't waste time fighting or "take breaks," trying to hide how incompatible we are.[/QUOTE] You're right in saying that disagreement isn't conflict, but conflict and disagreement are both necessary. Nobody will ever get along all the time, and you may not have fought now, but you will. Eventually, circumstance will set the two of you against each other, and you'll have to deal with it when it comes, conflict isn't only necessary, it's inevitable over time. While the whole "all you have to do is believe!" thing is kind of cute, it's not realistic, if you're looking for perfection you're setting yourself up for a huge fall, nobody and nothing you have will be "perfection." Be happy, but don't be a hypocrite and say others are complacent when you're telling yourself you'll never fight or be bored with each other at least sometimes. While it's easy to say "I'm the exception because I looked hardest for the best girl etc." everyone does have the same problems to some degree, we're all human, having them and learning to work with them is what makes a relationship strong and worthwhile, not only ever having fun together.

There's a difference between conflict arisen from external stimuli and internal conflict. As in, sure, there's bound to be a time in the future when one of us is just having one of those days and gets snappy. However, it's going to be caused by things going on in our lives, not incompatibility. Compatibility-wise, us fighting over something is unlikely. Considering she spends most of her time at my apartment, meaning we practically live together, if there hasn't been a habit or whatever that ticks off the other person by now, there probably won't ever be. When disagreements arise, we handle them like mature individuals and talk them through, make compromises. Therefore, we won't fight because we know how to handle problems quickly and efficiently. Absolute perfection might be impossible, but thinking I meant that is just ridiculous. I pursue perfection in the sense that perfection means the highest possible quality, not necessarily absolute perfection. Even though I haven't been here long (lurked for a while, decided to start posting recently) I can see what Seith is saying when it comes down to reading what we say. Instead of looking at the words and going "Well, he probably meant [I]this[/I] because if he meant [I]that[/I], it would be silly," you just go "He probably means [I]that[/I] because I want him to be wrong." How am I hypocritical in any way? How is someone being complacent about a rocky relationship equivalent to me being in a good relationship? Also, I haven't dealt in absolutes whereas you're claiming I said "We will [I]never[/I] fight or be bored with each other." Then you toss in the "At least sometimes," part just so you can cover your tracks. Really now? When did I ever say the only thing that makes a relationship strong and worthwhile is having fun? Someone said having no conflict would be boring, I said it's not. Where does that connect to being strong and worthwhile? Also, did I ever say we never have problems? Both of us have had personal problems, some incredibly large ones, that we helped each other through. However, we haven't had problems with each other. I'm failing to understand why this is such a hard idea for you to understand.

[QUOTE=Shovelpass;34480984]That's the big problem with most people. You're so ready to settle for less. Instead of pursuing perfection, you sit there complacent with relationships that contain fighting and conflict. Instead of going "I want better," you go "Well, everyone else has the same problems so I guess it's okay." You try to justify it further by making conflict out to be exciting or whatever. My relationship is nothing but fun, we go out all the time and try all kinds of new things. We don't waste time fighting or "take breaks," trying to hide how incompatible we are.[/QUOTE] You really are arrogant. You brag about how your relationship is awesome because you haven't had more than a disagreement over what to eat and then slam those who haven't found somebody they supposedly want to "settle" with. There's a reason people in this thread and around the world are constantly dating and breaking up and it's because they are in pursuit of someone they are more compatible with than the next person. Calling them complacent and people who settle because they argue sometimes with their partner over meaningful problems is, to be frank, a bunch of bullshit. Now, since you're still probably in high school and don't have to worry about things like money and time management you won't run into many of the same issues I and others have to deal with daily. It's important issues that I have argued with my girlfriends about, not things like "Zomg, why'd you not bother to get lunch with me today?" It's okay for you to have your beliefs right now, but you can't expect everyone in the world to have what you have or to find a perfect relationship because there is no such thing. I know you want to believe that your relationship is special, but once you enter the real world and leave the safety bubble of growing up, conflict will become a part of life. It's up to you to decide how much you like the person you have fights with and if you want to stay with them through the thick of it all. It's not settling, it's just finding the best fit even if it has some problems.

i was talking to this girl in the hallway today and as we pass the bathroom she slows down to finish her thought and then goes to the bathroom i continue walking for at least like 50 meters and then she just comes up from behind continuing the conversation as if nothing happened i wasnt even sure who was talking for a few seconds really weird

[QUOTE=Jo The Shmo;34482053]i was talking to this girl in the hallway today and as we pass the bathroom she slows down to finish her thought and then goes to the bathroom i continue walking for at least like 50 meters and then she just comes up from behind continuing the conversation as if nothing happened i wasnt even sure who was talking for a few seconds really weird[/QUOTE] You didn't stop and wait for her when she went in?

hey seith, saying "it's part of life theres no reason to not participate" is basically saying "being a dick is ok because there are other dicks out there too" its terrible logic and an even worse way to live [editline]31st January 2012[/editline] [QUOTE=Evilan;34482072]You didn't stop and wait for her when she went in?[/QUOTE] well i would have gone in with her and helped but sadly i had class to get to

[QUOTE=Evilan;34482026]You really are arrogant. You brag about how your relationship is awesome because you haven't had more than a disagreement over what to eat and then slam those who haven't found somebody they supposedly want to "settle" with. There's a reason people in this thread and around the world are constantly dating and breaking up and it's because they are in pursuit of someone they are more compatible with than the next person. Calling them complacent and people who settle because they argue sometimes with their partner over meaningful problems is, to be frank, a bunch of bullshit. Now, since you're still probably in high school and don't have to worry about things like money and time management you won't run into many of the same issues I and others have to deal with daily. It's important issues that I have argued with my girlfriends about, not things like "Zomg, why'd you not bother to get lunch with me today?" It's okay for you to have your beliefs right now, but you can't expect everyone in the world to have what you have or to find a perfect relationship because there is no such thing. I know you want to believe that your relationship is special, but once you enter the real world and leave the safety bubble of growing up, conflict will become a part of life. It's up to you to decide how much you like the person you have fights with and if you want to stay with them through the thick of it all. It's not settling, it's just finding the best fit even if it has some problems.[/QUOTE] Stop assuming things about me, you're 0-3 at this point. I'm almost through with college and have a pretty damn good job being a mediator for business deals. As I said, I have my own apartment and pay all of my own bills. I'm pretty sure I have plenty of real, meaningful problems. However, I don't let them carry over into the relationship. My bills to pay are my problem, not hers, so why would I argue with her about them? We constantly communicate and let things be known, we don't have financial issues because we're both on the same page. She's not about to ask for something I can't afford and vise-versa. Amazing how simple things are when you're compatible, isn't it? Considering your assumption was dead wrong, your whole second paragraph is null and void.

[QUOTE=Shovelpass;34482115]Stop assuming things about me, you're 0-3 at this point. I'm almost through with college and have a pretty damn good job being a mediator for business deals. As I said, I have my own apartment and pay all of my own bills. I'm pretty sure I have plenty of real, meaningful problems. However, I don't let them carry over into the relationship. My bills to pay are my problem, not hers, so why would I argue with her about them? We constantly communicate and let things be known, we don't have financial issues because we're both on the same page. She's not about to ask for something I can't afford and vise-versa. Amazing how simple things are when you're compatible, isn't it? Considering your assumption was dead wrong, your whole second paragraph is null and void.[/QUOTE] Fine. You're perfect and the rest of us are wrong about life. [editline]31st January 2012[/editline] [QUOTE=Jo The Shmo;34482086]well i would have gone in with her and helped but sadly i had class to get to[/QUOTE] Wait... helped? She asked you to help her in the bathroom?

Is this now a debate thread?

Where is this hostility coming from? I'm not saying I'm awesome and everyone else sucks. I'm saying there's something better out there that most people haven't found yet. A good chunk never will. However, it's worth passing up a bunch of mediocre relationships looking for. You've been heavily conditioned by society to be complacent with mediocrity. Music and movies tell you it's okay and normal to fight with your partner, they want you to get married and spend the rest of your life wondering if you made the right decision. But you don't have to settle for that. I don't mean to throw anything in anyone's face, I mean to be a beacon of hope. Something you can look at and go "I want what he has, and I'm not going to settle for less." My relationship probably won't last forever. At the end of the day, I'm a fairly dormant person while she's an adventurer, so we're bound to part ways eventually. However, if it can be done once, it can be done twice. And if an everyday guy like me can stumble across this "impossible" "perfect" relationship, anyone can.

[QUOTE=Shovelpass;34481991]words[/QUOTE] First of all, you said "My relationship is nothing but fun." Pardon me for thinking that's an absolute, my English must be bad, and yes, you did say you never have problems, "We never fight, have never been upset with each other..etc" Not to mention after two years of what I hope for you is an incredibly long relationship, you said "it's not going to be caused by incompatibility," which looks to me like another absolute. Just because my absolutes are less optimistic than yours doesn't mean they're wrong. I'm not reading into what you said, I'm quite literally reading what you said, if you want something interpreted a specific way here, you're going to have to say it that way, all we can see is the words you write, which in that case, other people "not being willing to pursue perfection" did come off as patronizing. I didn't say that you think a relationship can't be strong or worthwhile if you don't disagree, so there's no need to take it as an insult, but since you've literally never disagreed or had problems, you don't understand the effect those have on a relationship in the first place because you haven't experienced it.

[QUOTE=Shovelpass;34480047]Except I disagree with you. The whole "relationships need work" thing is just something people use as a crutch in order to excuse their laziness in finding someone right for them. They find someone and stick with them regardless of how compatible they are. When trouble arises, it's "relationships require work" instead of "this person isn't right for me." My relationship has required zero work. Zero. We never fight, have never been upset with each other, and a perfectly fine with giving each other as much space as we need. What I have is a real relationship, and it's because I took the time to find someone who is actually compatible with me. Sure, we might disagree on things, but it's always a joke fight like "You're wrong! No, you're wrong! You're wronger than wrong wrong wrong!" and whatnot. So if she left me, it'd be because of my lack of effort? That just sounds dumb. If another dude came along who is better than me in every way, even if she's happy with me, she will most likely leave the relationship because she could most likely be even more happy with him. No amount of effort I put in is going to change that. Relation[b]ships[/b] are essentially just that, ships. Ships in the sea of life. Sure, the ship might fall apart due to shoddy construction, that'd be its own fault. However, its success is mostly left up to the sea. You can't control the weather, or the tides, you just hold on and see if you make it. Just because you don't doesn't mean you did something wrong or it's someone's fault.[/QUOTE] Some people tend to take relationships easier, they have a better grasp of social interaction and how things work. But still a relationship is something that you simply do not have. I have been 3 years in a relationship and we had some great troubles at times. But we managed to make it work. Although unfortunately it ended badly. You learn to appreciate your partner and his needs, it is not simply love hurf durf. After a while you will notice that. Besides it is a fucking [b]scientific fact[/b] that a relationship needs work and such. Actually it is pretty frightening how the theory of "love" is explained in science. The happyness of a relationship can even be measured in numbers. The main factor is the reward/effort ratio, it sounds very rational but it is the case. You put some effort in your relationship and you will be rewarded with something. [sp]I love studying psychology :v: [/sp]

[QUOTE=JoshJosh117;34482279]Is this now a debate thread?[/QUOTE] No, this is how things are during down time. It was WAY worse when LA was still around.

What. How could I put effort into my relationship? Please explain that to me. Because as far as I know, I try pretty hard to keep her happy and she does the same for me. I'm perplexed by the notion that no arguments = no effort. You're essentially saying I should put effort into the relationship by starting fights. Where are you getting this BS that I don't appreciate her and don't try? I don't need to claw tooth and nail for the relationship to work because our natural compatibility makes it smooth sailing. It's not like we purposefully avoid each other to minimize conflict or something. I give up. It's impossible to explain this to you guys, and apparently you guys know more about my relationship than I do. Sorry for trying to help.

[QUOTE=Evilan;34482211] Wait... helped? She asked you to help her in the bathroom?[/QUOTE] it was a joke why would i wait for someone in the bathroom if they didnt ask me, that's fucking weird

[QUOTE=Jo The Shmo;34482598]it was a joke why would i wait for someone in the bathroom if they didnt ask me, that's fucking weird[/QUOTE] C'mon man, haven't you watched an porno? Initiative turns girls on.

Urghghh, the girl I asked out that said yes just cancelled. I asked her if she wanted to rearrange and she said she's "really busy at the moment". I'm not sure if she really is busy or if she changed her mind?

i wasnt trying to initiate anything with this girl, I was just talking

[QUOTE=Shovelpass;34482514]What. How could I put effort into my relationship? Please explain that to me. Because as far as I know, I try pretty hard to keep her happy and she does the same for me. I'm perplexed by the notion that no arguments = no effort. You're essentially saying I should put effort into the relationship by starting fights. Where are you getting this BS that I don't appreciate her and don't try? I don't need to claw tooth and nail for the relationship to work because our natural compatibility makes it smooth sailing. It's not like we purposefully avoid each other to minimize conflict or something. I give up. It's impossible to explain this to you guys, and apparently you guys know more about my relationship than I do. Sorry for trying to help.[/QUOTE] If you keep her happy, that is effort. Trying to please her and such. But also later on defining the roles and making some decisions which might change you or your relationship. The term "work" might also be a bad way to explain this. But as long as you make her happy. Things are fine. But a thing that happens often is that the relationship is smooth and great at first, but later on you have to make some decisions and keep the relationship going. Nothing against you man. Just some advice from me. Also this bullshit comes from social psychology, check up Catherine A. Sanderson book if you want to know more. [editline]31st January 2012[/editline] [QUOTE=Tennisball;34482776]Urghghh, the girl I asked out that said yes just cancelled. I asked her if she wanted to rearrange and she said she's "really busy at the moment". I'm not sure if she really is busy or if she changed her mind?[/QUOTE] Just wait it out, maybe something happend or so. Although if she is not interested in you it should be pretty obvious. There are always some signs or a gut feeling to it.

[QUOTE=Shovelpass;34482514]What. How could I put effort into my relationship? Please explain that to me. Because as far as I know, I try pretty hard to keep her happy and she does the same for me. I'm perplexed by the notion that no arguments = no effort. You're essentially saying I should put effort into the relationship by starting fights. Where are you getting this BS that I don't appreciate her and don't try? I don't need to claw tooth and nail for the relationship to work because our natural compatibility makes it smooth sailing. It's not like we purposefully avoid each other to minimize conflict or something. I give up. It's impossible to explain this to you guys, and apparently you guys know more about my relationship than I do. Sorry for trying to help.[/QUOTE] You said earlier you put zero effort in.... way to contradict yourself.

[QUOTE=Jo The Shmo;34482086]hey seith, saying "it's part of life theres no reason to not participate" is basically saying "being a dick is ok because there are other dicks out there too" its terrible logic and an even worse way to live [editline]31st January 2012[/editline] well i would have gone in with her and helped but sadly i had class to get to[/QUOTE] Give me the exact quote, so I could respond.