• Gay Chat V12 - Even More Optimistic
    5,002 replies, posted
I'm kinda scared that I will be that guy in a relationship that gets jealous and suspicious.
if you trust your SO you shouldnt be suspicious. there needs to be evidence of previous cheating to warrant not trusting someone
I think you should make definite plans and tell your boyfriend that it is his choice whether or not he comes with you. He can fuck right off if he chooses to not join.
Like i dont know about your bf or your relationship but such a deep trust issue is definitely not a good thing. It can definitely escalate into something worse. Right now i'd say there's 2 options. Either you have a good talk and work it out like 2 rational human beings or he keeps his trust issues going and the couple will eventually fall apart. I wouldn't exactly tell him that way of course but starting off by asking what the problem is and asking for pure honesty is probably the right way to go. stay calm and just let him explain his point of view and then you can tell him yours or what you [B][U]think[/U][/B] is wrong with what he said. I'm highlighting think because you shouldn't act like hes factually wrong. and of course you should say that while reminding him you're thing this for the two of you because you want this to work out and you're hurt by his lack of trust or something because usually a lack of trust isn't really something that spontaneously appears, there's usually a background that comes into play and the blame shouldn't go 100% on him. Try not to call him out saying he's making stuff up but try to get him to admitting it because once he admits it's a trust issue, you can get to "why" he doesn't trust you. basically a deep and serious talk is in order because otherwise this problem will just eventually resurface over and over again in different situations if you give up on your end or it'll escalate if you ignore his input [editline]25th March 2015[/editline] [QUOTE=bitches;47392535]I think you should make definite plans and tell your boyfriend that it is his choice whether or not he comes with you. He can fuck right off if he chooses to not join.[/QUOTE] I don't think that's the right approach yet. that'll just escalate things
[QUOTE=greeley;47392426]I don't throw hissyfits haha. It just pissses me off that he won't admit that its a trust issue. And scares me that if me seing a friend that is gay is such a problem, that whats going to happen when something slightly bigger comes up? It just seems such a little thing to get worked up about.[/QUOTE] I meant him throwing a hissyfit over it, not you.
[QUOTE=Batmoutarde;47392571]Like i dont know about your bf or your relationship but such a deep trust issue is definitely not a good thing. It can definitely escalate into something worse. Right now i'd say there's 2 options. Either you have a good talk and work it out like 2 rational human beings or he keeps his trust issues going and the couple will eventually fall apart. I wouldn't exactly tell him that way of course but starting off by asking what the problem is and asking for pure honesty is probably the right way to go. stay calm and just let him explain his point of view and then you can tell him yours or what you [B][U]think[/U][/B] is wrong with what he said. I'm highlighting think because you shouldn't act like hes factually wrong. and of course you should say that while reminding him you're thing this for the two of you because you want this to work out and you're hurt by his lack of trust or something because usually a lack of trust isn't really something that spontaneously appears, there's usually a background that comes into play and the blame shouldn't go 100% on him. Try not to call him out saying he's making stuff up but try to get him to admitting it because once he admits it's a trust issue, you can get to "why" he doesn't trust you. basically a deep and serious talk is in order because otherwise this problem will just eventually resurface over and over again in different situations if you give up on your end or it'll escalate if you ignore his input [editline]25th March 2015[/editline] I don't think that's the right approach yet. that'll just escalate things[/QUOTE] The thing is, this isn't a new thing. I was meant to meet my friend back in Feb. This was when the initial problem started. He was ok with it to begin with, then wasnt, then was, then wasn't again and again. Then we stopped talking about it for a while. And then he randomly came up with it today saying that he thinks is should meet my friend at easter since he (my bf) is going to Nottingham to see his mate (whos straight, from uni) that same weekend. It was a nice suggestion. He said he didn't want us to go nottingham though and that was fine. But then i realised Nottingham is the best place since its right in the middle of where we live, its cheap and i know the area..... So i suggested to my bf that if i spend the the day with the mate, then after we've had our fun time out in Nottingham, i come to my bf's mates house on Saturday night so i still get to see him for easter and then we leave together on Sunday to mine. He loved that idea to begin with as its win win for everyone! I get to see my mate and then i still spend the nice night with my bf. And then half hour after deciding that was a good idea, i tell my mate and then my bf goes "NO DONT LIKE IT DONT GO NOTTINGHAM NO" and i just felt like i got whiplash from it. Hes just indecisive. I've asked constanty if its to do with trust and he says he 100% TRUSTS me. I've asked him loads of times if he could tell me what the problem is and he says he doesn't know, he just doesn't like it. Which i think is what infuriates me the most because he doesn't know either so i can't help.
I'm at the point in my relationship goals personally where a partner with trust issues is a 100% deal breaker if it seems like it will be more than a minor issue I don't have time to mess around with a guy who is going to be paranoid every time I go out and do something, because anyone who is like that isn't going to work in any relationship period. It is a huge sign they aren't secure with themselves and therefore can't be secure in a relationship unless they are totally in control of it, which is the opposite of what relationships are about.
I know I remember you talking about it which is why i'm saying you need a good lengthy talk with him. he can't "not know" people don't just do stuff for no reason, he clearly just doesn't want to tell you why because then you'll be the one with trust issues since he won't answer you to a simple question. Tell him you won't judge him for it, that it won't make it worse if he tells you why. Tell him that not telling you IS actually making stuff worse. Communication is single-handedly the most important thing in a relationship of any kind. If he refuses to communicate over something that important then other issues will arise with the same problem later on. of course that doesn't mean you should tell each other everything but certain things need to be mentioned. and without sounding too much like an ultimatum if it doesn't work or it leads nowhere, maybe bring up that if he can't tell you why then maybe this won't work out. Sucks but honestly that's just how it works.
[QUOTE=KorJax;47392680]I'm at the point in my relationship goals personally where a partner with trust issues is a 100% deal breaker if it seems like it will be more than a minor issue I don't have time to mess around with a guy who is going to be paranoid every time I go out and do something, because anyone who is like that isn't going to work in any relationship period. It is a huge sign they aren't secure with themselves and therefore can't be secure in a relationship unless they are totally in control of it, which is the opposite of what relationships are about.[/QUOTE] I can sympathise with him a little since hes been cheated on before. Then after that he hadn't had a boyfriend for 3 years. And now we've been together for a year and a half. But he should not lump his cheated issues with me as im not like his ex. I believe people can change but it does get harder and harder for me.
I mean the plan is for the 3 of you to meet up together right? I mean nothing is gonna happen in front of him. Tell him if the other guy ever goes out of line and confirms his suspcisions then Yeah you can leave, but that it won't happen and he should trust you Baby steps [editline]25th March 2015[/editline] He's basically got 2 options from where I'm standing. Either it's an issue you two deal together or that he deals with alone. And option a sounds much better
[QUOTE=Batmoutarde;47392710]I mean the plan is for the 3 of you to meet up together right? I mean nothing is gonna happen in front of him. Tell him if the other guy ever goes out of line and confirms his suspcisions then Yeah you can leave, but that it won't happen and he should trust you Baby steps [editline]25th March 2015[/editline] He's basically got 2 options from where I'm standing. Either it's an issue you two deal together or that he deals with alone. And option a sounds much better[/QUOTE] no no no. Well... The plan in May is for 4 of us to go to Alton Towers once the mate's boyfriend finishes Uni. This thing on the easter weekend is me to meet my mate in Nottingham, and my boyfriend to go meet his mate in Nottinghamat his house. So we're gonna split off into 2 couples as such. (not couples but platonic couples) So i go see my mate and meet him for a first time after a year and a bit. And my boyfriend will go see his best mate from uni he hasnt seen for a month or two. But my boyfriend said he doesn't want to be with us anyway because it'll basically just be me and my mate abusing each other with crude humor and talking about nerdy things.
[QUOTE=greeley;47392915]no no no. Well... The plan in May is for 4 of us to go to Alton Towers once the mate's boyfriend finishes Uni. This thing on the easter weekend is me to meet my mate in Nottingham, and my boyfriend to go meet his mate in Nottinghamat his house. So we're gonna split off into 2 couples as such. (not couples but platonic couples) So i go see my mate and meet him for a first time after a year and a bit. And my boyfriend will go see his best mate from uni he hasnt seen for a month or two. But my boyfriend said he doesn't want to be with us anyway because it'll basically just be me and my mate abusing each other with crude humor and talking about nerdy things.[/QUOTE] Then don't go together or meet up? Like, seriously, how small is Nottingham? Surely the chances of you running into each other are pretty damn small. Hell, figure out where both groups are going to go, and arrange it so you're certain you won't run into each other.
[QUOTE=Mort Stroodle;47392996]Then don't go together or meet up? Like, seriously, how small is Nottingham? Surely the chances of you running into each other are pretty damn small. Hell, figure out where both groups are going to go, and arrange it so you're certain you won't run into each other.[/QUOTE] Thats exactly what i said. But yet i shouldn't need to do that, that feels weird almost hiding from my own boyfriend.
Am I too late to the selfie party? I don't like cigarettes, alcohol, or painkillers, but I'll do just about any other kind of drug that I know about. Phenethylamines are my favorite. *drops a wellbutrin on the ground* "For my homey Sasha"
Thanks everyone for the advice, you've kind of helped secure my thoughts on this matter. I just needed more opinions on whether i was being an arsehole or not and not seeing something. Love you all my butt bandit buddies.
[QUOTE=kimr120;47392465]I'm kinda scared that I will be that guy in a relationship that gets jealous and suspicious.[/QUOTE] I am totally that guy, its fucking awful tbh. I stopped the suspicious thing a while ago but I still get jealous of my partner being around friends that aren't me for extended periods of time :I
[QUOTE=Vashe;47393332]I am totally that guy, its fucking awful tbh. I stopped the suspicious thing a while ago but I still get jealous of my partner being around friends that aren't me for extended periods of time :I[/QUOTE] Id love to understand this type of psychology. I think its to do with attention.
Or paranoia of being left out/forgotten/abandoned.
I think it's got to do with people getting cheated on, blaming themselves for it and trying really hard to have it not happen by protecting themselves from it eve happening
I'm very much like that. For me it's because through out my childhood and early-teens, I've had some good friends outright forget about me because they met other people. Hell, even my childhood friend eventually just stopped hanging out with me. And thus, whenever my friend tells me he made a friend, I get really panicy. Mind you, I don't tell him that, I actually am quite supportive about the fact that he's socializing, as much as it pains me. Guess it could be trust issues.
[QUOTE=Batmoutarde;47393705]I think it's got to do with people getting cheated on, blaming themselves for it and trying really hard to have it not happen by protecting themselves from it eve happening[/QUOTE] Pretty much this to be honest.
Judging from the previous attempts at relationships that I've fucked up, I can safely say I'm the guy in it that is always unsure of my SO's activities. It really sucks that I seemingly can't trust people.
[QUOTE=Zillamaster55;47391955]Al-Kahol?[/QUOTE] Al-kuhl, actually. Means "the powder", but I have no idea how it came to mean booze.
[QUOTE=Batmoutarde;47393705]I think it's got to do with people getting cheated on, blaming themselves for it and trying really hard to have it not happen by protecting themselves from it eve happening[/QUOTE] that's a very poor excuse for being controlling and borderline emotionally abusive
[QUOTE=Zeke129;47395145]Al-kuhl, actually. Means "the powder", but I have no idea how it came to mean booze.[/QUOTE] from [URL="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_English_words_of_Arabic_origin_(A-B)"]here:[/URL] [QUOTE]الكحل al-kohl, very finely powdered stibnite (Sb2S3) or galena (PbS) or any similar fine powder. The word with that meaning entered Latin in the 13th century spelled alcohol. In Latin in the 14th and 15th centuries the sole meaning was a very fine-grained powder, made of any material. In various cases this powder was obtained by crushing, but in a variety of other cases the powder was obtained by calcination or by sublimation & deposition, or occasionally by distillation. [B]In the alchemy and medicine writer Theophrastus Paracelsus (died 1541), the alcohol powders produced by sublimations were viewed as kinds of distillates, and with that mindset he extended the word's meaning to distillate of wine.[/B] "Alcohol of wine" (ethanol) has its first known record in Paracelsus. The biggest-selling English dictionary of the 18th century (Bailey's) defined alcohol as "a very fine and impalpable powder, or a very pure well rectified spirit."[/QUOTE]
So we've had powdered alcohol for centuries? Or am I reading it wrong?
[QUOTE=Mould;47395268]that's a very poor excuse for being controlling and borderline emotionally abusive[/QUOTE] It's not a poor excuse though. I mean, it definitely shouldn't be an excuse but getting cheated on or ditched or anything in that category is some of the worst emotional abuse in itself. It messes people up.
My back hurts like hell from my job. I'll be surprised if I can walk tomorrow...I'm only two weeks into it too, and I have a few months to go...
Speaking of pain, my neck hurts. It started while I was sleeping at like 3AM and I couldn't sleep anymore. I took some pills and I'm feeling better now but it just happened randomly, this can't be good.
[QUOTE=Gar;47395395]It's not a poor excuse though. I mean, it definitely shouldn't be an excuse but getting cheated on or ditched or anything in that category is some of the worst emotional abuse in itself. It messes people up.[/QUOTE] Yes getting cheated on hurts. I know. What's the point of holding it though? It's not my next partners fault, so why should it affect him at all? If it did, I'm giving him grief for no reason. I just feel like that's sad.
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