65 Million Years Ago - General

From what I saw, it was pretty good, the grammar could use a little work, but the main thing that irked me were the little scientific innacuracies. For example, Compsognathus lived in the Jurassic, while all the other dinosaurs you mentioned lived in the Cretaceous (Utahraptor lived during the early Cretaceous, while Edmontosaurus, Triceratops, and Tyrannosaurus were in the late Cretaceous, but I won't get into that). Also, rex is not capitalized, since it's a species name, and it would be T. rex, not T-Rex. [img]http://d2k5.com/sa_emots/emot-science.gif[/img]

I'm sorry. This is just. Dribble. but then this is coming from a guy who reads two books a week, so I guess I'm a little bit of a harsh critic. :q:

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16446913]This is a little bit from the first chapter. The hot sun shone through the thick tropical treetops in crevices. The air was thick and humid, almost nauseatingly humid. The chirps and squeaks of animals was everywhere. Ryan Eason got to his feet, and then immediately collapsed to his knees from the weight of his equipment. He looked around, dazed and confused for a moment. Then he glanced over at David MacNeill who was laying on his back, panting in the heat. He then looked over and saw Matt some 4 feet away from David, and Elijah over a little ways to MacNeill's right, slowly getting to his feet. “Oh my god.” came a voice from behind him. He swiveled and saw Ross kneeling on one knee, wiping sweat from his forehead. “It's so hot.”[/QUOTE] To be honest, it's just..boring. Really, it's so straight forward and to the point. There needs to be diversity, and better language, rather then IT WAS HOT AND THE SUN SHONE THROUGH THE TREES. THERE IS A PERSON. THERE IS ANOTHER PERSON. IT IS HOT.

[quote]The hot sun shone through the thick tropical treetops in crevices. The air was thick and humid, almost nauseatingly humid. The chirps and squeaks of animals was everywhere. Ryan Eason got to his feet, and then immediately collapsed to his knees from the weight of his equipment. He looked around, dazed and confused for a moment. Then he glanced over at David MacNeill who was laying on his back, panting in the heat. He then looked over and saw Matt some 4 feet away from David, and Elijah over a little ways to MacNeill's right, slowly getting to his feet. “Oh my god.” came a voice from behind him. He swiveled and saw Ross kneeling on one knee, wiping sweat from his forehead. “It's so hot.” [/quote] The warm embrace of the sun, sought it's tendrils down through the thick tropical canopy. The air thick and humid, like breathing in a warm pudding. The cajoling and the cries of the creature inhabitants, came out from the surrounding atmosphere like sweet music, deep and resounding. And now we come to a man, completely over his head, Ryan Eason. He maneuvered himself into a standing position, tipping over with the weight of the hefty equipment he was encumbered with. Confused with recent events, he took a gander around for a brief moment, spying a David MacNeill (interesting creature that he was) lying on his back, panting with no abandon. Ryan turned his head and spied another two of his comrades, Matt and Elijah, even a little farther away. "Dear Christ on a bike..." a voice, it's owner unseen groaned out. Ryan swiveled his head and saw his compadre Ross kneeling on one knee, removing the perspiration from his brow. "I'm fucken' dyin' over here, it's like a steamer here." [B]BAM, now you have a interesting paragraph with characters that do not sound like robots.[/B] and i think i'm a pretty shitty writer but I know I can do better than you.

[QUOTE=Kiyasha Omin;16494867]The warm embrace of the sun, sought it's tendrils down through the thick tropical canopy. The air thick and humid, like breathing in a warm pudding. The cajoling and the cries of the creature inhabitants, came out from the surrounding atmosphere like sweet music, deep and resounding. And now we come to a man, completely over his head, Ryan Eason. He maneuvered himself into a standing position, tipping over with the weight of the hefty equipment he was encumbered with. Confused with recent events, he took a gander around for a brief moment, spying a David MacNeill (interesting creature that he was) lying on his back, panting with no abandon. Ryan turned his head and spied another two of his comrades, Matt and Elijah, even a little farther away. "Dear Christ on a bike..." a voice, it's owner unseen groaned out. Ryan swiveled his head and saw his compadre Ross kneeling on one knee, removing the perspiration from his brow. "I'm fucken' dyin' over here, it's like a steamer here." [B]BAM, now you have a interesting paragraph with characters that do not sound like robots.[/B] and i think i'm a pretty shitty writer but I know I can do better than you.[/QUOTE] You shouldn't rewrite it for him, that's kinda rubbing it in for the guy.

[QUOTE=ThePutty;16498579]You shouldn't rewrite it for him, that's kinda rubbing it in for the guy.[/QUOTE] I am actually crying right now. Thanks you dicks i asked for criticism not bashing.

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16500001]I am actually crying right now. Thanks you dicks i asked for criticism not bashing.[/QUOTE] :ese: what No, on a more serious point, why are you crying? They gave you criticism.. I personally thought it was okay, but it could use a bit more work.

Yeah, that's not bashing, that's actual criticism what I wrote. I just don't think you can handle the truth.

[QUOTE=Kiyasha Omin;16501279]Yeah, that's not bashing, that's actual criticism what I wrote. I just don't think you can handle the truth.[/QUOTE] Ok Jack Nicholson.

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16501633]Ok Jack Nicholson.[/QUOTE] WOW I MADE A STUPID haha, I didn't realize I made a movie reference.

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16501633]Ok Jack Nicholson.[/QUOTE] Funny. Nah. This stories okay by the way.

[QUOTE=Poser-ific;16502244]Funny. Nah. This stories okay by the way.[/QUOTE] Thanks.

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16501633]Ok Jack Nicholson.[/QUOTE] If you're going to get us to judge your story, you have to expect criticism. You obviously aren't going to be treated like Shakespeare here.

[QUOTE=ilolled;16447229] God came[/QUOTE] I lol'd :D No, but seriously very very long.

[QUOTE=ThePutty;16516147]If you're going to get us to judge your story, you have to expect criticism. You obviously aren't going to be treated like Shakespeare here.[/QUOTE] But why not isn't my story as good as his poetry?

Hey man, It's awesome. Better than I could ever do. Don't listen to all these idiots that think they are better than you. Just tell em' to shut the fuck up and become the writer you have always wanted to be.

"this is based on real kids in my school that got sent back 100 million years and fought the dinosaur"

Story was horrible and seems to be constructed by an elementary school child. [quote]He covered his ears and saw MacNeill, rifle in hand, flinging it back and forth pointing to the ground like he was sweeping the floor, he mouth gaping. [/quote] The analogies are weak, the grammar is horrid. 'He mouth gaping' , before asking SOMEONE ELSE to read your story, you should read it first with a pen in your hand. If it doesn't sound right circle it. Although with this story you may run out of ink circling everything. [quote]“This retard locked the keys in, and he got part of his ear taken off.” “Because of you!” Brian shrieked. Eason looked back at Matt.[/quote] I like how you tried to mix it up so it wasn't "Brian said" all the time; however, when someone is mad I don't think they shriek. [quote]Ross looked at the back of the vehicle, it was was indeed tarp. He started towards it.[/quote] The sentences are short and the whole story is stop go. Example: I went to the store. I like the store. At the store we shopped. We shopped for soup. We bought soup. I like soup. When we get home we have soup. I eat soup at home. It is annoying to read a 61 pages and some lines of a story that the writer obviously hasn't proofread himself. [quote]“This thing uses up so much fuel. I guess we should have figured it. It'll take a good 12 hours to get even half a tank charged. And we only get like 5 mpg.[/quote] Half a tank charged? Does the half track run on electricity? Did they have electricity 65 million years ago or how are they charging the tank? And if it is 5 mpg then I am assuming it isn't electricity, but they have been using this thing for 16 days and they still have fuel? Where are they going to get more fuel? I wish I could keep commenting on this story, but making this post short... The entire thing was terrible and painful to read.

Just needs some fixes and more detail.

Downloaded. Must installed openoffice now...downloading it, and I will read it.

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16523288]But why not isn't my story as good as his poetry?[/QUOTE] O _ O No. Oh [b]god[/b] no. As was said before, characters need more developpement, don't be so straight forward. The reading doesn't want to know what's going to happen, that's why they're reading it. Also, you need some more interesting description in there. Some comparisons and synonyms and such.

[QUOTE=Squad;16524916] I like how you tried to mix it up so it wasn't "Brian said" all the time; however, when someone is mad I don't think they shriek. [/QUOTE] You would understand if you knew him. I took everyone's flaws and inflated them to make good story. (except mine of course, im Ross)

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16529210]You would understand if you knew him. I took everyone's flaws and inflated them to make good story. (except mine of course, im Ross)[/QUOTE] With that said, it still stands that the story is horrible.

I still can't believe he's asking for criticism, yet when we give him it, he freaks out, defends himself and basically thinks his writing is the most amazing thing on the planet.

To be fair, it's pretty shit.

[QUOTE=lew06;16561061]To be fair, it's pretty shit.[/QUOTE] Even though you called it shit your still cooler than the guy who posted above you. He's a dick. Also if you don't read the story then you have no place in saying its crap. Just pointing that out.

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16564919]Even though you called it shit your still cooler than the guy who posted above you. He's a dick. Also if you don't read the story then you have no place in saying its crap. Just pointing that out.[/QUOTE] He did read the story. It's shit. [img]http://data.tumblr.com/ZZ8buVGKrkcp40x0HT4GsqHSo1_400.gif[/img]

To the land of the loooost!

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16488268]Oh yah a 10 year old could write a 62 page story.[/QUOTE] I did when I was 10.

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16500001]I am actually crying right now. [/QUOTE] Oh shit oh shit, your story's gonna suck. You need to email your English teacher and ask for a refund.