Crossdressing & Transgender & A̲L̲L̲I̲E̲S̲ Discussion v. Thread Reassignment Surgery - General

[QUOTE=gtanoofa;53000100]I made a timeline thing. [t]http://www.wduwant.com/index_uploads/uploads/62bcc60efb39.jpg[/t][/QUOTE] you're a qt

I had a dream that I reconnected with a friend from my past. As a child I went to a school attached to a church, and since this person was working at the church I presume our friendship was meant to date back to then, meaning ages 5-10. I was at that school from at least 2nd grade to maybe 6th. I'm not very religious, I've maintained a little faith by choice, although it's been damaged from seeing and hearing prejudice when I go to my grandmother's church events. I visited her at her desk and after a moment of taking she mentioned "those disgusting trans people". I began thinking if I should comment but then she repeated the phrase in another sentence. I interrupted her and went into a spiel about how our God is loving, how anti lgbt sentiment comes from Old Testament which is more Judaism and washed away by Jesus himself in a New Testament verse, and that it's horrible to turn anyone away with our own judgements, and that to grow the church must be more tolerant. Our friendship was now ruined as I was kicked out from the church's building. As I walked away I checked Facebook and saw she has blocked me. I kept walking like nothing even happened. I awoke not long after. I don't know what to make of this, what it really means. I'm sorry if this is terribly off-topic but I figured either here or WAYT or not at all. I don't wanna step on any toes.

I should note if this friend exists I didn't recognize them from reality. I just assumed my subconscious created them for this scenario and used that time frame. I just know in the context of the dream I knew them. [editline]28th December 2017[/editline] [QUOTE=Butthurter;53011611] as a Certified Armchair Shrink™, its probably just a fear of reconnecting[/QUOTE] That's very possible. I reconnected with a friend last year from middle school that I idolized as an innocent angel in those days and found out she's grown to be proudly "promiscuous" and it changed my worldview a lot. I'm more confused about the church and transphobia in the foreground, and how ready I seemed to feel to walk away given I know I have a rough time letting go. I hope if something like this ever really happens I'm as brave. I feel a bit of guilt because I think if this was real my anxiety would've kept me from confronting her on it.

Speaking of dreams, I was talking about dreams with some friends over Discord yesterday morning, and I realised something kinda interesting. Whenever I have dreams where I'm me, like how I look in real life, they're almost always in 3rd person. Whenever I have dreams where I'm someone else, I'm always a boy or more masculine looking than I am in real life, and those dreams are always either in first person perspective or a mix of first and third person perspective.

[QUOTE=Tomato Hentai;53015752]Speaking of dreams, I was talking about dreams with some friends over Discord yesterday morning, and I realised something kinda interesting. Whenever I have dreams where I'm me, like how I look in real life, they're almost always in 3rd person. Whenever I have dreams where I'm someone else, I'm always a boy or more masculine looking than I am in real life, and those dreams are always either in first person perspective or a mix of first and third person perspective.[/QUOTE] It's not very often I have a dream where I get to see myself, but whenever I do look in a mirror, I always see myself with a much more feminine face and a bit longer hair. There's been a few times when I've noticed this and suddenly my stomach becomes very warm in the dream, like wrapping yourself up in a warm blanket sort of feeling. I guess the saying is, don't let your dreams be dreams. Maybe one day I'll look at myself in real life as I do in my dreams.

[QUOTE=Tomato Hentai;53015752]Speaking of dreams, I was talking about dreams with some friends over Discord yesterday morning, and I realised something kinda interesting. Whenever I have dreams where I'm me, like how I look in real life, they're almost always in 3rd person. Whenever I have dreams where I'm someone else, I'm always a boy or more masculine looking than I am in real life, and those dreams are always either in first person perspective or a mix of first and third person perspective.[/QUOTE] I used to have third person dreams of myself all the time, especially as a child. I'm not sure it means anything. [editline]30th December 2017[/editline] I always figured it was like watching myself in a tv show rather than not feeling myself

[t]https://i.imgur.com/LwoxZ6I.jpg[/t] this came in the mail last night took em this morning first day of the rest of my life edit: heres another photo since its not clear what it is in the first 1 [t]https://i.imgur.com/zTCKod0.jpg[/t]

Ive been going by violet since last month It feels nice

[QUOTE=Mud;53023863]Ive been going by violet since last month It feels nice[/QUOTE] I'm alex now because I'm a shitty lazy bastard that can't even be assed to get a new name that isn't a derivative of my original one

HRT is finally an actual option to me and I can begin whenever I want. I just have to get the appointment and get started. My parents don't mind. This is great but it leaves me with one issue I have to tackle, the only part of HRT that bothers me; sterility. I've tried researching this and it seems like after 6 months you go sterile and your chances of regaining function when taking a break from hormones goes down the longer you're sterile. Unlike a lot of trans people and young people in general I'm not actually sure if I want to have kids or not. The obvious answer is sperm banking but sperm banking is [I]expensive.[/I] 350 for storing [I]one[/I] specimen (apparently you usually want 3 because 30 percent success rate) plus 2400 for 10 years in one option I looked at. I would have to get a decent job and work for months just to afford that, and I really don't know how I feel about waiting [I]longer.[/I] I'm considering a third option, which is to start HRT, get a job, work those months, and sperm bank before I go sterile/take a break from HRT to bank. If I save, I should be able to earn that months before I go sterile. Does this sound like a good option? I really wish I could research this more but most trans people don't even want kids so it's a fucking nightmare to find information.

hey how do i get started on this shit? im interested

[QUOTE=Anteep;53025963]hey how do i get started on this shit? im interested[/QUOTE] depends on where you live but if u wqanna get hrt u either gotta see a therapist or a doctor to get a prescription or buy em online somewhere. theres also a million other things to do to transition like learning how to dress properly and do makeup and shit

psfhsffhs i still need to learn how to makeup i haven't the faintest fuckin idea lol

[QUOTE=ZnT00;53029700]psfhsffhs i still need to learn how to makeup i haven't the faintest fuckin idea lol[/QUOTE] Welcome to the club, is it weird that I actually don't like makeup at all? Thought it was originally but my mom hates the idea of it as well.

[QUOTE=Reagy;53029702]Welcome to the club, is it weird that I actually don't like makeup at all? Thought it was originally but my mom hates the idea of it as well.[/QUOTE] yeah my mom never uses it, and i don't wanna go overboard like contouring or anything, just basic stuff like lipstick and eyeliner i need to learn how to do [editline]6th January 2018[/editline] also i need to do voice training, every time i try to i get all dysphoric from my voice and i quit

Eyeliner is the one thing I want to learn how to do the most. I'm afraid to use other makeups because I don't want to cover my freckles.

I can't work on my voice because I never have any privacy

If you can it might be worth visiting a music vocal teacher if you can. In my experience if you explain what you are wanting to achieve in regards to pitch they will often be really happy to help (at least this has been my experience in the UK and Netherlands). Also gives you space to practice. There is a lot more to it than just pitch of course, but it's a big part of it and imo a good starting point.

I'd be interested in finding a way to voice train like this without resorting to drug/body altering myself. I have a decent range of voices but none that are very feminine Thanks for the tips. [editline]7th January 2018[/editline] [QUOTE=Katska;53031401]I can't work on my voice because I never have any privacy[/QUOTE] I feel you there [editline]7th January 2018[/editline] It's super hard to practice a voice if you have to keep it down, I find it easier to get it when being fairly loud or normal volume

Remember that pitch isn't everything when it comes to women's voices. Many women have darker, lower voices that are still recognizably female. This is due to the formant, or resonant frequency, of the voice. If you can train yourself using a spectrogram to move the most powerful resonant frequencies of your voice into a more feminine range, your voice could fool almost anyone into thinking you're cis. This is incredibly difficult. So much so to the point where I've almost given up multiple times, but, after examining the results over a period of time, there has been a palpable change in the timbre of my voice.

really not fun how dysphoria chases me down in almost every aspect of life can't i at least forget about it for an hour or two each day :/

[B]edit 17/01/18 - I'm feeling significantly less cut up about this now.[/B] if you're questioning, please don't get freaked out by this post, because it really was just an exceptionally bad temporary blip, but I'm leaving it up for posterity. there are many experiences I've had while transitioning that made me feel it was worth it, it's just hard. my therapist agreed that transition is a lot of swings and roundabouts ----- [B]CW: suicide[/B] I stepped on this my whole life and now I'm paying the price for it I'm not even remotely feminine, I'm giant and unpassable, I can't internalise that I'm a woman, and I fucking despise myself. I guess it's karma for repressing and hiding everything like a coward my entire life. it's not like I actively repressed it, I just hid it! I didn't feel like it was even that important, even though it was something I'd been doing forever! I feel like I had hope before I realised that the thoughts and feelings were never going to go away, even as depressed and anxious as I was. now I just feel nothing, because my brain won't stop constantly interrogating myself about my transness and comparing me to others (why didn't I say anything as a kid? why didn't it bother me? why didn't I say anything as a teenager? why did I say I didn't experience dysphoria when I did [URL="http://altreason.com/all-these-things-that-ive-done/"]most of the things on this list?[/URL] why wasn't I bothered by all the male-type things I did growing up?) I give it six months and then I'm going to sit down in front of a train. or possibly gas myself to death with the helium line at work. [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] I remember coming across posts here when I was 13 like "just fyi wanting to be a girl often goes away when you get a girlfriend" and I just believed it [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] literally all the information I came across on the internet when I was young was "DON'T TRANSITION UNLESS IT'S A CHOICE BETWEEN IT AND SUICIDE" [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] this entire journey has been nothing but disappointment after disappointment I was really looking forward to feeling different on HRT and I just didn't and I didn't know what the fuck to do from there because aren't you supposed to feel better on HRT if you're trans???? but much later I heard people saying that's basically an exaggeration or a lie. this entire thing has been like 1) do thing related to gender 2) moderately like it 3) feel the same [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] fuck my fucking life and fuck this, dude

Zig god sorry didn’t mean to rate dumb [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] I did go to a gender therapist before hand and have seen them a few times but ultimately all they can say is “if you want to do this, then do it” to which I said, uh yeah I’m pretty sure I want to do it [editline]11th January 2018[/editline] the thing is, in those brief moments when I actually feel like feminine or just like a girl, I actually feel really happy and like I remember there was a reason I started, but then it goes back to shit and doubting again because my brain hates me

That's really discouraging because I was hoping transitioning might help some of my mental health issues. I don't want to be fighting on two fronts. :saddowns:

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;53045256]That's really discouraging because I was hoping transitioning might help some of my mental health issues. I don't want to be fighting on two fronts. :saddowns:[/QUOTE] sorry... it’s basically like the golden says though, if you have mental issues before transitioning they’ll still be there afterwards. better to see my example and realise this than have the same unrealistic expectations I had. I’ve calmed down a bit now. I was having an insanely bad day yesterday. things aren’t as bad as I made them out to be. and believe it or not, I was feeling consistently worse that this when I was closeted. I went from absolutely despising my reflection to actually liking it, so there’s a plus. I’m just having some trouble with the social side of stuff plus my residual mental problems which I think can be overcome

[QUOTE=AtomicSans;53045256]I don't want to be fighting on two fronts. :saddowns:[/QUOTE] This is exactly my issue with transitioning. I've spent more than enough time thinking about whether I'm transgender or not to be fairly confident in my answer but I know I have other issues and those would definitely get in the way of me transitioning. (And that's not to mention insurance issues but that's kinda a moot point anyways really.)

to add to my last few posts, I recently found someone on reddit who was struggling in almost the exact same way that I am right now, down to asking the exact same questions I was asking myself recently (e.g. "is it possible for someone to have done ________ all their life and not be trans? why do I feel like I'll always be deadname pretending to be newname?" etc.) they sounded significantly more "trutrans" (lol) than me so I don't think it's my degree of transness that's the issue, it's the whole attitude I've had towards this and my preexisting horrible mental health that's the problem. I think I just have to keep gently pushing, forgive myself for not measuring up to the impossible standards for being a girl that I'm imposing, and try to chill the fuck out. I should mention that I'm on antidepressants and they've been helping me be functional

I didn't really show a lot of signs when I was younger, other than the occasional crossdressing and playing with makeup I did do a lot of 'boyish' stuff do, climbing trees, judo and even now that I'm out and transitioning I'm not like suddenly super fem (altho I wish I had the confidence to be more and I'm insanely jealous of girls who can go from one to the other) like I empathise and sympathise with you so much, especially on the "can you do __ and not be trans/ do trans people ever ___" front, I found my self getting to the point of asking 'Would someone who isn't trans ever even question this?' If you haven't this might be worth a [URL="https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2013/03/17/how-do-i-know-if-im-trans/"]read.[/URL] Also on the mental health side of things, I suffer from depression/anxiety, more so the depression as well as gender dysphoria and although my transition is slow my general mood and stability has increased ten fold. I went from someone who had a few 'freinds' who smoked weed basically all day everyday, dropped out of college and got close to the edge to someone who might not have any real friends but can find it easy to socialise and hold down a job and actually wake up motivated and have goals I want to achieve. Don't get me wrong I get days that are absolute garbage where I just want to light up a PHAT joint and smoke it all away but I've actually started writing my thoughts down in a journal in hopes that getting them 'out' will help and so far it really has /end sorry for the garbage grammar, I'm just back from work and I'm really tired but I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart, I'll answer any questions you've got if I can! also there is a discord if don't know, I'm sure someone can link you if you'd like!

[QUOTE=Alice3173;53046215]This is exactly my issue with transitioning. I've spent more than enough time thinking about whether I'm transgender or not to be fairly confident in my answer but I know I have other issues and those would definitely get in the way of me transitioning. (And that's not to mention insurance issues but that's kinda a moot point anyways really.)[/QUOTE] I feel like I can't find the time to focus on myself at all. I work, I go to school for fuckin mechanical engineering, I have the bare minimum of a social life to keep myself from going insane, and I do it all while depressed and anxious about everything. After all of that I mostly just want to play some games and sleep because that's all that I'm really capable of. I'm so exhausted all the time. I know people who are busier than me and sorta handle it but the executive effects of depression really make everything harder to do and as it is I'm barely keeping things together. I could have gotten something done last semester but I spent that internally wrestling with maybe being trans. Now that I'm a little more confident, school is getting crazy and things are going to be extremely hard for a very long time. So basically I don't know when I'm ever going to be able to take the time to transition because I don't have the space now. All I can really do is wear the small amount of girly stuff I have while playing games. It's going to be years and the longer that time seems, the more likely it seems that I won't be able to make it

I finally found a depilatory cream that works on my awful neck and facial hair :excited: Makes my skin pretty red but no visible hair and my skin feels smooth as butter [editline]12th January 2018[/editline] It also smells awful but hey if it works