Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT

[Lukeo]

The only way to improve your confidence is keep trying.
When I was around 15 a girl pretty much admitted to someone that she'd go out with me but I was too anxious to go through with it, now asking out a girl doesn't phase me at all. If she says yes, it's all good, if she says no, you have clarity and can stop worrying about it.

[Guy Mannly]

and try not to view relationships as "failure" or "success". every relationship is a learning experience, even if you don't end up marrying the first person you date it doesn't mean that you haven't gained anything by being with that person.

[Emugod]

I meant to say that I feel like I do things that make girls only see me as a friend, and not as boyfriend material. For instance, the first girl I tried going out with, I told her early in our ~friendship that if she needed anyone to talk to, she could come to me. I feel like that should be said when you're actually in a relationship rather than before.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much into it. I feel like "myself" isn't going to be good enough for boyfriend material.

[Lukeo]

I'd consider that a friendship kind of thing, by all means if you think somebody is upset ask them about it, but saying that makes it sound a bit like you're pandering to her.
When you think you have a good impression of someone and enjoy their company, just pop the question, something casual like a coffee where the main focus is talking.

[Emugod]

[QUOTE=Lukeo;42909824]I'd consider that a friendship kind of thing, by all means if you think somebody is upset ask them about it, but saying that makes it sound a bit like you're pandering to her.
When you think you have a good impression of someone and enjoy their company, just pop the question, something casual like a coffee where the main focus is talking.[/QUOTE]

The thing is, I did that because that's the kind of guy I am. I like helping people out with things. I like knowing that I'm there for someone when they need help. But, I guess it's just not something that you should do before a relationship, which makes me think that I shouldn't be "myself" around girls.

Also, I've tried asking the girl out to dinner. She accepted, but when it came time for me to pick her up, she canceled and asked to reschedule. I tried asking her out to another thing, which she agreed again, but canceled that too. I gave up on her after that... The other girl, I don't even fucking know what happened. I guess she lost interest when we met for the first time. It wasn't going to really work, anyway.

[skynrdfan3]

[media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQwzVszVmQo[/media]

Bo Burnham is fuckin rad. Dude got me into poetry, I scribble at least a page or two of rhyming bits and pieces a day, something I've never really bothered to do before. He's a good dude to look to and be like "oh this is what it's like to just not give a fuck. not that hard."

media tags not workin idk

[Dysentery]

[QUOTE=Emugod;42909885]The thing is, I did that because that's the kind of guy I am. I like helping people out with things. I like knowing that I'm there for someone when they need help. But, I guess it's just not something that you should do before a relationship, which makes me think that I shouldn't be "myself" around girls.[/QUOTE]

what? this doesn't even make sense, being there for someone is something that can happen at any time

[editline]18th November 2013[/editline]

as everyone else has said, 2 girls is nothing dude. you can't just throw in the towel and say that you're hopeless with girls, yeah sure you say you have anxiety and shit but you aren't gonna get more confidence by acting like it's game over after the first 5 minutes of trying

[editline]18th November 2013[/editline]

also you most fucking def should be yourself around girls, there's no such thing as being "too nice". nice guys can get any girl they want - there's a difference between being a pansy and being a nice guy. saying that you're "too nice" is basically the same as saying "girls only like jerks" which is 100% untrue. just be more confident (which happens by talking to more girls and failing and learning to move on from your failed attempts)

[junker154]

Dysentery is right, even if your attempt at being with one of those girls wasn't successful, it doesn't mean that you're a complete failure. I had my fair share of bad experience with some girls and honestly I don't even regret it, the knowledge and experience gained from it is really valuable and will help you out in upcoming relationships.

It can be a bit disheartening but overall it's more beneficial to you than you might think.

Also you can be helping people without being in a relationship, good friends do that anyway. I don't see your point with being "yourself" around girls. If you're a helpful and supportive guy, then just be yourself around people.

[skynrdfan3]

I was at a party once and made a move on this circle of 5+ girls.

I butt into the circle, they shut up and stared. I gave a pretty awkward "hey" to a pretty awkward silence. I said something like "Uhh, I'm kinda an expert at breaking the ice if you didn't notice."

There was one "yeah..." and then just more stares. So I just walked away and got a drink.

Rejection literally doesn't matter and it's actually pretty hilarious. Being yourself is a fun experience you just gotta learn how to grasp the fun part of it.

[disseminate]

[QUOTE=skynrdfan3;42910786]I was at a party once and made a move on this circle of 5+ girls.

I butt into the circle, they shut up and stared. I gave a pretty awkward "hey" to a pretty awkward silence. I said something like "Uhh, I'm kinda an expert at breaking the ice if you didn't notice."

There was one "yeah..." and then just more stares. So I just walked away and got a drink.

Rejection literally doesn't matter and it's actually pretty hilarious. Being yourself is a fun experience you just gotta learn how to grasp the fun part of it.[/QUOTE]

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMVmj_ZEocA[/media]

[G3rman]

The real you is who the girl will live with and want to be with. If you lie to yourself and try and be something you are not, you aren't just going to make yourself unhappy, you are going to actually make her unhappy when she realizes sooner or later how you really are.

[Emugod]

I'm not trying to be someone I'm not, I just think that I should tone down on my niceness. I think I'm just too nice for my own good. I have this mentality that my personality is that of a guy who gets "friendzoned" with every girl. I'm too nice and the girl depends on me to be there as a friend and nothing more. Like being there too much for the girl isn't a good thing.

I feel like I'm doing the complete wrong thing with trying to get a girl. I don't know what I did wrong with the two girls I tried to go out with, and I guess it's just pissing me off. They never really gave me a chance to show who I am.

I don't fucking know. I'm in a complete funk right now. I'm having one of my depressive episodes and it's fogging up my mind. I can't think straight and it's frustrating me. I'm probably just being really fucking stupid.

[Dysentery]

yeah no, being there for a girl is never going to be a bad thing unless they're a truly manipulative bitch, but hey in that case you probably shouldn't be trying to date her regardless. there is no certain personality that gets "friendzoned" and likewise there is no end all be all personality that will snag all the bitches no matter what. you have to understand that the flaw in your system is not being "too nice", it's a lack of confidence and a lack of initiative. you can be there for a girl while also being a romantic interest for her, if she sees you as only a friend you aren't being freindzoned. all you're doing is sitting there, twiddling your thumbs and expecting her to date you just because you were there for her. that ain't how it works. you have to make a move, man. you have to be more than just there for her. you need to put yourself out there as a potential partner, not just a shoulder to cry on.

[thisispain]

i guess???
i mean if the person isnt attracted to you it doesn't matter how you "change" your personality.
like being less nice to girls wont automatically make them attracted to you and vice-versa

[Emugod]

[QUOTE=Dysentery;42911901]yeah no, being there for a girl is never going to be a bad thing unless they're a truly manipulative bitch, but hey in that case you probably shouldn't be trying to date her regardless. there is no certain personality that gets "friendzoned" and likewise there is no end all be all personality that will snag all the bitches no matter what. you have to understand that the flaw in your system is not being "too nice", it's a lack of confidence and a lack of initiative. you can be there for a girl while also being a romantic interest for her, if she sees you as only a friend you aren't being freindzoned. all you're doing is sitting there, twiddling your thumbs and expecting her to date you just because you were there for her. that ain't how it works. you have to make a move, man. you have to be more than just there for her. you need to put yourself out there as a potential partner, not just a shoulder to cry on.[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Emugod;42909885]
Also, I've tried asking the girl out to dinner. She accepted, but when it came time for me to pick her up, she canceled and asked to reschedule. I tried asking her out to another thing, which she agreed again, but canceled that too. I gave up on her after that... The other girl, I don't even fucking know what happened. I guess she lost interest when we met for the first time. It wasn't going to really work, anyway.[/QUOTE]

I tried. Twice. Got ditched both times. That was with the first girl.

The second girl, we talked nonstop for about a week, and she genuinely seemed interested in me. But, distance was the only problem. We lived an hour away from each other and neither of us had transportation. Her brother, a friend of mine, suggested he drive me up there. We went, and...

It went terribly. We saw each other for a total of 30 minutes. I tried talking to her, but she seemed disinterested or just really shy.

She wasn't feeling good, so we just called it a day, and my friend and I went back home. Her brother said she's been in a weird mood for a while, maybe depression, but he's not sure.

I've been trying to contact her the past two days, but she's pretty much stopped talking to me.

I have no clue what fucking went wrong in both situations.

[G3rman]

It's obviously you, not the girls.

[Dysentery]

all you're telling me is two girls that you ended up not working with. everyone has been rejected, you aren't going to work out with every single girl that you fancy. but that's not the point. yeah, sure. you didn't work with two girls. i get it. sucks, don't it? but there's a ton of other girls out there that you have never met. we don't know why those girls rejected you. maybe it was you, maybe it was them. at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. you learn from your failures and you move on. how does it help you find a girlfriend if you're just gonna get all caught up because of two girls? you need to realize that you're going to fail a LOT more than just twice. it's a part of life and you have to learn to deal with it and move on

[Emugod]

[QUOTE=Dysentery;42911986]all you're telling me is two girls that you ended up not working with. everyone has been rejected, you aren't going to work out with every single girl that you fancy. but that's not the point. yeah, sure. you didn't work with two girls. i get it. sucks, don't it? but there's a ton of other girls out there that you have never met. we don't know why those girls rejected you. maybe it was you, maybe it was them. at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. you learn from your failures and you move on. how does it help you find a girlfriend if you're just gonna get all caught up because of two girls? you need to realize that you're going to fail a LOT more than just twice. it's a part of life and you have to learn to deal with it and move on[/QUOTE]

First off, you told me to make a move, give initiative, and be more confident. I gave you two examples of me doing just that and it failing. That was the point of the post.

Secondly, I didn't learn anything from the failures because I don't know where I or the situation went wrong. I gained nothing from this but rejection, depression, and confusion.

Lastly, I know that I'm going to fail a lot more. I know it's going to suck, but I'm fairly ready for it. This was just a terrible introduction to dating for me, and it's put me down a bit.

I'm going to stop complaining about this now, because it's getting me nowhere. Hopefully sleep will put my mind off it.

[killerteacup]

[QUOTE=Emugod;42912103]First off, you told me to make a move, give initiative, and be more confident. I gave you two examples of me doing just that and it failing. That was the point of the post.

Secondly, I didn't learn anything from the failures because I don't know where I or the situation went wrong. I gained nothing from this but rejection, depression, and confusion.

Lastly, I know that I'm going to fail a lot more. I know it's going to suck, but I'm fairly ready for it. This was just a terrible introduction to dating for me, and it's put me down a bit.

I'm going to stop complaining about this now, because it's getting me nowhere. Hopefully sleep will put my mind off it.[/QUOTE]

Okay, here's some tips:

- You shouldn't stop being so nice - the fact that you're nice isn't what's pushing people away, its a crutch that people immediately go to to make rejection feel better. It's a harsh truth, but its the truth. You aren't being rejected because they see you as a 'nice guy' and having nice guy syndrome is literally the easiest way to get rejected.

- You aren't learning from your failures because you're busy wallowing. That's fine but if that's what you want to do, but if you want to learn from this, try looking at the situation scientifically. According to you, you're a guy trying to recover from social anxiety and depression. You've just asked two girls out. Good fucking work. Give yourself some more credit for that dude, thats a great achievement no matter WHAT the outcome is.

- It's not a terrible introduction to dating for you personally because its literally the same introduction to dating that almost everyone goes through. Furthermore considering that you said how much you've wanted 'a relationship' I don't think you're in the right mindset to get one. Would you want to go out with a girl who was just in it because she didn't want to be alone anymore? Do you think she'd care in the end who was her boyfriend or do you think she just cares that she has one? Personally I wouldn't want someone like that - they'd drop me as soon as they found someone better.

You are looking at this with a mindset that is going to lead you into depression even further. Firstly, you're acting as if them saying yes would be them somehow giving you the privilege of seeing them. Quit that - get into the mindset that both of you would benefit from seeing each other. Remember that she would benefit from seeing you.
Secondly, you're taking their rejection of you incredibly personally. Why does it have to be your fault? Sounds like that second girl just had some serious issues.

Thirdly and probably most importantly you are taking relationships way too seriously and this is where I think you're going wrong if anything.

If you're trying to recover from social anxiety and depression the last thing you want to do is base your happiness off of something as fleeting as a relationship. Work on being social with everyone dude. Try to get yourself to a point where you can have a good time by being yourself. At the end of the day if you can do that you've already won.

Basically you can't change yourself so don't bother, don't try to be less nice than you are or more funny or more fit. Just accept yourself and expect others to accept you too

[Kirbyfactor]

Couple days ago I was talking to a lady friend, and she said she doesn't like being stuck with her boyfriend, and sometimes wish she could see other guys.
Is this a hint or something?

[Metallics]

[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;42914801]Couple days ago I was talking to a lady friend, and she said she doesn't like being stuck with her boyfriend, and sometimes wish she could see other guys.
Is this a hint or something?[/QUOTE]

Since it's entirely out of context I'm going to go with no.

[Slowbro]

[QUOTE=Kirbyfactor;42914801]Couple days ago I was talking to a lady friend, and she said she doesn't like being stuck with her boyfriend, and sometimes wish she could see other guys.
Is this a hint or something?[/QUOTE]

Other guys doesn't necessarily mean you

[Kirbyfactor]

[QUOTE=Slowbro;42914954]Other guys doesn't necessarily mean you[/QUOTE]

I know, just wanted to make sure

[Emugod]

[QUOTE=killerteacup;42913979]Okay, here's some tips:

- You shouldn't stop being so nice - the fact that you're nice isn't what's pushing people away, its a crutch that people immediately go to to make rejection feel better. It's a harsh truth, but its the truth. You aren't being rejected because they see you as a 'nice guy' and having nice guy syndrome is literally the easiest way to get rejected.

- You aren't learning from your failures because you're busy wallowing. That's fine but if that's what you want to do, but if you want to learn from this, try looking at the situation scientifically. According to you, you're a guy trying to recover from social anxiety and depression. You've just asked two girls out. Good fucking work. Give yourself some more credit for that dude, thats a great achievement no matter WHAT the outcome is.

- It's not a terrible introduction to dating for you personally because its literally the same introduction to dating that almost everyone goes through. Furthermore considering that you said how much you've wanted 'a relationship' I don't think you're in the right mindset to get one. Would you want to go out with a girl who was just in it because she didn't want to be alone anymore? Do you think she'd care in the end who was her boyfriend or do you think she just cares that she has one? Personally I wouldn't want someone like that - they'd drop me as soon as they found someone better.

You are looking at this with a mindset that is going to lead you into depression even further. Firstly, you're acting as if them saying yes would be them somehow giving you the privilege of seeing them. Quit that - get into the mindset that both of you would benefit from seeing each other. Remember that she would benefit from seeing you.
Secondly, you're taking their rejection of you incredibly personally. Why does it have to be your fault? Sounds like that second girl just had some serious issues.

Thirdly and probably most importantly you are taking relationships way too seriously and this is where I think you're going wrong if anything.

If you're trying to recover from social anxiety and depression the last thing you want to do is base your happiness off of something as fleeting as a relationship. Work on being social with everyone dude. Try to get yourself to a point where you can have a good time by being yourself. At the end of the day if you can do that you've already won.

Basically you can't change yourself so don't bother, don't try to be less nice than you are or more funny or more fit. Just accept yourself and expect others to accept you too[/QUOTE]

Everything you've said makes complete sense.

The thing with me is that I'm just getting way too desperate. I feel like I need to be in a relationship to be happy. It's pretty much clouding my mind and making me think only about being in a relationship. Any advice on how to get rid of my desperation?

[G3rman]

Think long and hard about why you need a girl, then disprove each one of the reasons and come up with alternatives that have to do with improving yourself.

Focus on yourself and improve your psyche and you will be even more attractive to girls. Your future partner is not going to want to be there to mend your past problems or be leaned on like a crutch; she will want an equal who can stand on his own two feet.

[Mr. Bleak]

[QUOTE=killerteacup;42913979]Okay, here's some tips:

- You shouldn't stop being so nice - the fact that you're nice isn't what's pushing people away, its a crutch that people immediately go to to make rejection feel better. It's a harsh truth, but its the truth. You aren't being rejected because they see you as a 'nice guy' and having nice guy syndrome is literally the easiest way to get rejected.

- You aren't learning from your failures because you're busy wallowing. That's fine but if that's what you want to do, but if you want to learn from this, try looking at the situation scientifically. According to you, you're a guy trying to recover from social anxiety and depression. You've just asked two girls out. Good fucking work. Give yourself some more credit for that dude, thats a great achievement no matter WHAT the outcome is.

- It's not a terrible introduction to dating for you personally because its literally the same introduction to dating that almost everyone goes through. Furthermore considering that you said how much you've wanted 'a relationship' I don't think you're in the right mindset to get one. Would you want to go out with a girl who was just in it because she didn't want to be alone anymore? Do you think she'd care in the end who was her boyfriend or do you think she just cares that she has one? Personally I wouldn't want someone like that - they'd drop me as soon as they found someone better.

You are looking at this with a mindset that is going to lead you into depression even further. Firstly, you're acting as if them saying yes would be them somehow giving you the privilege of seeing them. Quit that - get into the mindset that both of you would benefit from seeing each other. Remember that she would benefit from seeing you.
Secondly, you're taking their rejection of you incredibly personally. Why does it have to be your fault? Sounds like that second girl just had some serious issues.

Thirdly and probably most importantly you are taking relationships way too seriously and this is where I think you're going wrong if anything.

If you're trying to recover from social anxiety and depression the last thing you want to do is base your happiness off of something as fleeting as a relationship. Work on being social with everyone dude. Try to get yourself to a point where you can have a good time by being yourself. At the end of the day if you can do that you've already won.

Basically you can't change yourself so don't bother, don't try to be less nice than you are or more funny or more fit. Just accept yourself and expect others to accept you too[/QUOTE]

Now that is some of the most terrific advice I've ever read in one of these threads. This post made my entire day. Thanks duder!

[killerteacup]

[QUOTE=Emugod;42921706]Everything you've said makes complete sense.

The thing with me is that I'm just getting way too desperate. I feel like I need to be in a relationship to be happy. It's pretty much clouding my mind and making me think only about being in a relationship. Any advice on how to get rid of my desperation?[/QUOTE]

Here's what I think you need to do - think about it scientifically. I'm not saying to get all academic, but just examine things from a logical standpoint. There's this thing called social comparison theory which basically examines the impact of comparing yourself to another person (going from the name its pretty much easy to pick that up). Seems to me like you've got these issues and you see other people seeming happy and social and the conclusion you've drawn is that they have girlfriends and you don't. Or at least that's one way to look at it - it's what I used to do. But it isn't healthy.

It's important to understand that for a lot of people, relationships are sort of like those mirrors in the stories, where you look into the reflection and you see your perfect life being played out in front of you. People have problems, and they look at their life and say "well I'm unhappy, I must be missing something... Well, I'm single, so I must be missing a partner!". Then they get with someone and for a while their life seems that much better because they think they're on the other side of the mirror. Except the truth is that at the end of the day, the perfect life is still just a reflection and you're going to look away from that mirror at some point and you'll be in the some place you started, with the same problems and missing the same things as they always were.

There's this cool play I saw recently called Company and it was about a guy who wasn't married and all his friends were and he was in like, his 30s, so he went around to his friends basically trying to find out why everyone was getting married and there was this line about halfway through where one of his friends basically says "People say that marriage makes you whole but then you get married and you're still the same broken person as you were always were, the only difference is you're sleeping next to another broken person". It's the same with relationships. They don't [I]change[/I] anything about your situation they just make you [I]think[/I] things are better so you don't have to work on it anymore.

If I were in your position I would probably stop feeling so desperate once I realised that relationships aren't what I need to make myself feel happier - that what I need is some time to learn to love and accept myself.

[editline]20th November 2013[/editline]

At the end of the day its up to you, man. If you want to spend your time chasing around after relationships you'll probably get in one eventually and if that's what makes you happy, then do it - but does it make you any happier that every time you see a girl you can't think about anything but trying to date her? To me that seems like a way to set yourself up for constant disappointment.

[Jo The Shmo]

well on the other hand though there is something to be said for having a close human relationship

you don't necessarily need to be in a sexual relationship, but having someone or a group of close friends who you can talk to about anything is a basic human need in the long term

[Aries]

depends on the person, really. though even if it's a steady career with the same people it can allow you to fulfill yourself (again, based on the person). My mother knew a guy who worked with her for at least a decade; he died of a heart attack as a virgin at the age of 53. but as far as she knew, a happy man.

[Guy Mannly]

[QUOTE=Emugod;42921706]Everything you've said makes complete sense.

The thing with me is that I'm just getting way too desperate. I feel like I need to be in a relationship to be happy. It's pretty much clouding my mind and making me think only about being in a relationship. Any advice on how to get rid of my desperation?[/QUOTE]

the title "in a relationship" alone isn't giving you the benefits of a close, intimate one. if you don't care about who you end up with you're going to end up staying with someone you aren't compatible with, going through the motions.
being in a relationship means nothing on its own, plenty of middle or high school students use the same word when talking about week-long flings. what matters is who you're with.
you don't need to be physically intimate with someone to enjoy their company.