• Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT
    11,088 replies, posted
So I found out that that chick I was with all but in name was all upset the other day because the guy she's been hanging around now, and possibly pursuing a relationship with, has been doing drugs. I don't understand it sometimes. I mean, considering the circumstances I'm definitely not being hard on myself on it. I was perfectly available and supporting and also not being a loser who does drugs and doesn't have a job, yet I was flung to the side for whatever reason. But, it's still bullshit when someone says they don't want a relationship, whether to simply get out of commitment or to get all the benefits of one without actually caring about the person, and then pursue it with someone else. On the plus, it's seeming more and more like a bullet dodged. I've discovered quite a bit in the past week or so about what's been going down, and all that's left to do is fully convince myself that it's OK not to be right for someone 100% of the time. I suppose I'm in a similar boat as emugod. I hate the paradox: in a relationship and hating it, and not in one and feeling crippingly lonely for no real reason. This whole loving myself thing is harder than it should be.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;42926064]the title "in a relationship" alone isn't giving you the benefits of a close, intimate one. if you don't care about who you end up with you're going to end up staying with someone you aren't compatible with, going through the motions. being in a relationship means nothing on its own, plenty of middle or high school students use the same word when talking about week-long flings. what matters is who you're with. you don't need to be physically intimate with someone to enjoy their company.[/QUOTE] I never said that I didn't care who I was in a relationship with. I think my desperation stems from my depression. I've been really lonely for most of my life, and I have the fear of being alone forever. I mean this in terms of friends and partners. I've never really had a friend I could be close to and trust. I have tons of "friends", just not ones I could really trust with telling things to, although I try to anyway which ends up turning out terribly. I've mentioned my "friends" here before and how they're complete assholes sometimes. I guess I just assumed that if I'm in a relationship, I'd have someone I can be close to and that I could trust. I'd just like to feel appreciated. :\ I probably should start with learning to be more comfortable with myself and trying to be more happy. It's just really hard when all you've really got is yourself.
You need to stop using depression as the scapegoat and explanation for everything you do and realize that you need to work on improving yourself. Make friends so you don't have to find a relationship to rely on. Work on building your social circles rather than jumping into the dating scene. Work on hobbies or go to the gym or something. Occupy your time with something productive. Set goals. Wallowing in the fact you have depression and how it's making your life miserable is just going to keep you there. Taking action is the only way to get out.
[QUOTE=G3rman;42927852]You need to stop using depression as the scapegoat and explanation for everything you do and realize that you need to work on improving yourself. [/Quote] I have been trying to improve myself. For 2 years. There's a thing with depression, it doesn't just go away. In my case, my depression settled down around a year ago. I thought I was nearly over it, but when I started college, it came back, and it hit me hard. [QUOTE=G3rman;42927852] Make friends so you don't have to find a relationship to rely on. Work on building your social circles rather than jumping into the dating scene. [/quote] I've made tons of friends since I've gone off to college and became better "friends" with some from high school. But, I really can't consider these people as "friends", as they usually kick me when I'm already down. I've been trying to meet new people, and in the past week or two, I've met quite a few, but not people I'd associate myself with. [QUOTE=G3rman;42927852] Work on hobbies or go to the gym or something. Occupy your time with something productive. Set goals. [/quote] I've tried working out. Managed to do it for about 4 months before I just stopped one day, and it wasn't just a few times a month, I got to the point that I was doing it 4-5 times a week. I've tried to get back into it, but I can't get myself into the habit. Also, I've picked up skateboarding, parkour, piano, swimming, fencing, rock climbing, and a lot of other things. Haven't been able to do some of these things as of recent, but that's because of other issues. [QUOTE=G3rman;42927852] Wallowing in the fact you have depression and how it's making your life miserable is just going to keep you there. Taking action is the only way to get out.[/QUOTE] God damnit, I'm trying my ass off to get out of depression. Nothing seems to work. I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of it. Maybe just suppress it to the point that I don't feel it anymore, but there's always a chance it might come back.
You have so many possibilities for hobbies, here the only decent way to learn something is buying the instrument/equipment and learning via internet. Fuck this place, we used to have a place where you could learn stuff, but they closed it for no fucking reason.
[QUOTE=Jo The Shmo;42924971]well on the other hand though there is something to be said for having a close human relationship you don't necessarily need to be in a sexual relationship, but having someone or a group of close friends who you can talk to about anything is a basic human need in the long term[/QUOTE] I'm the last person who's going to say relationships in any form are pointless so long as you can accept yourself, that's not what I was saying - close relationships with people are incredibly important, humans are social creatures after all. My point is only when it comes to sexual relationships because they're fundamentally different to close relationships and basing your self-esteem on them is a recipe for disaster. [editline]21st November 2013[/editline] [QUOTE=Emugod;42928712]I have been trying to improve myself. For 2 years. There's a thing with depression, it doesn't just go away. In my case, my depression settled down around a year ago. I thought I was nearly over it, but when I started college, it came back, and it hit me hard. I've made tons of friends since I've gone off to college and became better "friends" with some from high school. But, I really can't consider these people as "friends", as they usually kick me when I'm already down. I've been trying to meet new people, and in the past week or two, I've met quite a few, but not people I'd associate myself with. I've tried working out. Managed to do it for about 4 months before I just stopped one day, and it wasn't just a few times a month, I got to the point that I was doing it 4-5 times a week. I've tried to get back into it, but I can't get myself into the habit. Also, I've picked up skateboarding, parkour, piano, swimming, fencing, rock climbing, and a lot of other things. Haven't been able to do some of these things as of recent, but that's because of other issues. God damnit, I'm trying my ass off to get out of depression. Nothing seems to work. I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of it. Maybe just suppress it to the point that I don't feel it anymore, but there's always a chance it might come back.[/QUOTE] Depression's a bitch, man. Were you diagnosed? If you're really worried about it, maybe you should see a psychologist. Also, as with friends you have a right to expect them to treat you as a good friend would but just remember that they aren't trained mind doctors. Some people just don't think about how their words affect other people - it doesn't mean they don't care. So long as you're around people who you value and who value you then that's all you can ask for. As for hobbies and stuff everyone uses this as a goto cure for everything but really how many of those things are you passionate about? Do stuff you love and reward yourself constantly when you do it. Positive reinforcement is important and its important to remember your own value in the world. If you're having trouble doing that maybe you should think about booking an appointment with a counsellor or psychologist and you guys can work out strategies. Don't beat yourself up man - if you haven't had a relationship before and you've got depression and you just asked out two girls then good going! If you're sad but you're still making the effort to go out and do things with your life then again, good going - noone is forcing you to and you're taking action and that's something to be pretty proud of.
[QUOTE=Emugod;42928712]God damnit, I'm trying my ass off to get out of depression. Nothing seems to work. I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of it. Maybe just suppress it to the point that I don't feel it anymore, but there's always a chance it might come back.[/QUOTE] i have it too, the only thing that's really helped me is keeping myself busy. i'm always mentally occupied, whether i'm studying for class or playing video games - usually things get bad when i let my mind wander. but mine's very on and off nowadays, i feel fine on days where i'm outside a lot and end up feeling shitty over the weekends usually. just getting sunlight on a regular basis makes an enormous difference for me. i really don't know what will work for you though. if you can see a professional i would strongly advise it, in some cases like mine it's very easy to deal with if i just make lifestyle adjustments but it's certainly not always that simple and sometimes medication is just necessary to see any changes happen. but when it comes to things that make you uncomfortable, like dating, you just have to keep trying. a "failed" relationship will definitely feel like a huge blow to your ego the first few times, but after a while you'll have a better idea of what to expect and become less emotionally invested in casual partners. [editline]20th November 2013[/editline] [QUOTE=killerteacup;42929471]words[/QUOTE] just wanted to say i sincerely appreciate how understanding you are about his situation. i get really tired of listening to people who have never experienced a mood disorder telling others to buck up and deal with it.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;42929683]i have it too, the only thing that's really helped me is keeping myself busy. i'm always mentally occupied, whether i'm studying for class or playing video games - usually things get bad when i let my mind wander. but mine's very on and off nowadays, i feel fine on days where i'm outside a lot and end up feeling shitty over the weekends usually. just getting sunlight on a regular basis makes an enormous difference for me. i really don't know what will work for you though. if you can see a professional i would strongly advise it, in some cases like mine it's very easy to deal with if i just make lifestyle adjustments but it's certainly not always that simple and sometimes medication is just necessary to see any changes happen. but when it comes to things that make you uncomfortable, like dating, you just have to keep trying. a "failed" relationship will definitely feel like a huge blow to your ego the first few times, but after a while you'll have a better idea of what to expect and become less emotionally invested in casual partners. [editline]20th November 2013[/editline] just wanted to say i sincerely appreciate how understanding you are about his situation. i get really tired of listening to people who have never experienced a mood disorder telling others to buck up and deal with it.[/QUOTE] thanks, telling someone to just get over it is one of the most ignorant things people do in these thread
that's why i stopped trying to give him advice, i'm not going to pretend that i understand how someone with depression feels because i've never experienced it but you've been doing a super stellar job with helping, teacup
[QUOTE=Dysentery;42929852]that's why i stopped trying to give him advice, i'm not going to pretend that i understand how someone with depression feels because i've never experienced it but you've been doing a super stellar job with helping, teacup[/QUOTE] tbh nobody here is really qualified to give advice to someone with a mood disorder past "you should talk to a professional" other people who have been through it can give anecdotal advice and whatever for how they dealt with their own issues but just because something works for one person doesn't mean it will work for another, all we can do is provide some ideas for things to try
[QUOTE=killerteacup;42929471] Depression's a bitch, man. Were you diagnosed? If you're really worried about it, maybe you should see a psychologist. [/quote] I wasn't diagnosed, but thoughts of suicide and somewhat attempted suicides is enough diagnosis for me. I've been meaning to go see the campus counselor, but I've been too lazy/mopey to do it. [QUOTE=killerteacup;42929471] Also, as with friends you have a right to expect them to treat you as a good friend would but just remember that they aren't trained mind doctors. Some people just don't think about how their words affect other people - it doesn't mean they don't care. So long as you're around people who you value and who value you then that's all you can ask for. [/quote] It really seems like my friends don't care and that they take enjoyment in my suffering. Every single day I try to talk to them about a girl or depression or something, they make really inappropriate jokes that just further fuels my depression. And, this happens almost every day. [QUOTE=killerteacup;42929471] As for hobbies and stuff everyone uses this as a goto cure for everything but really how many of those things are you passionate about? Do stuff you love and reward yourself constantly when you do it. Positive reinforcement is important and its important to remember your own value in the world. If you're having trouble doing that maybe you should think about booking an appointment with a counsellor or psychologist and you guys can work out strategies. [/quote] I'm fairly passionate about most of the hobbies I participate in. Some more than others, but I still can't find that satisfaction from some of them, and others I can't do anymore because of injuries. I'd also like to pick up some other hobbies that my parents have kind of forbidden me from doing for the time being, but I can't convince them. [QUOTE=killerteacup;42929471] Don't beat yourself up man - if you haven't had a relationship before and you've got depression and you just asked out two girls then good going! If you're sad but you're still making the effort to go out and do things with your life then again, good going - noone is forcing you to and you're taking action and that's something to be pretty proud of.[/QUOTE] Thanks, man! You've honestly been so much help even though I've been so whiny and mopey. I kind of feel bad for taking up the last two pages with my bullshit, but I really appreciate the help. You're awesome!
[QUOTE=Emugod;42930204]I wasn't diagnosed, but thoughts of suicide and somewhat attempted suicides is enough diagnosis for me. I've been meaning to go see the campus counselor, but I've been too lazy/mopey to do it.[/QUOTE] try to push yourself to go see someone. the hardest part of depression is that it causes a vicious cycle of not wanting to put effort into changing your circumstances, which just perpetuates the problem. schedule a day when you'll go see a counselor and stick to it.
anything you write in this thread is something you could tell a health specialist, the difference being that the health specialist could see it through for you to actually get better. all we can do really is just repeat old advice.
Dr. Facepunch ples hepl. I need your advice on this. Wall-o-text so I apologize, so not gonna ask that you read it if you don’t feel like it, but if you do read it all, thank you in advance. A lot of the first part isn’t really needed, so skim if you wish. So in high school I was the typical nerdy, socially awkward kid (what a shocker coming from a Facepuncher.) I had, and still have, a really close group of friends who I wouldn’t trade for the world, but a huge amount of factors really lowered my self-esteem. My grades were shit, I had no motivation, I was just very sad and had no real confidence at all. Fast forward to now, nearing the end of my first semester of college, doing really fucking well, like, best grades I’ve had in like a decade, getting a job soon, by my estimates I’ll be making enough so that I’ll easily be able to afford my first (realistic) “dream purchase,” a motorcycle, by the time the weather is nice enough to ride it again, and still be able to afford the insurance on that bike, my car, and gas for whichever I end up using. Still stupid close with all of my friends, despite us going to school in different states. Opening up more socially, not as uncomfortable talking to new people, even if we have nothing at all in common. Kinda hard because I’m commuting to school, so clubs aren’t really a possibility unless I want to get home at 11pm every night, but it’s working. Long story short, I’ve never been more confident than I am right now. I’m in a really good place altogether. Now I feel confident enough to feel comfortable looking for a relationship. So since freshman year of high school, I’ve been really interested in a particular girl, but as mentioned, was way too unconfident to try to ask her out. Now, however, I really want to. The question is coming, I promise. So about 2-3 months back, right at the start of the semester, my friends and I were playing Killing Floor until like 5am because fuck it nothing to do the next day anyway. When we stay up that late, usually we start talking about things we don’t normally, partly because we don’t give a shit because tired, and partly because we just need new things to start talking about. A friend brings up a few questions about high school, generic shit. He asks a question along the lines of “biggest regret.” Naturally, my answer is not asking her out. At this early in the semester I was still unconfident as hell by the way, because it was like, a week in. This friend is a mutual friend of ours, and offers to bring me up to her. I don’t like opening up to even my closest friends, even though I know they would never say or do anything to hurt me no matter how much I opened myself up. I still don’t know why. So I play it “cool” and say something along the lines of “Sure, go ahead,” and not even remotely hinting at how interested I am. Fast forward again to a couple days ago, I started really noticing how confident I was around then, and decided that I was going to see what came of it. He never mentioned the conversation, so I asked him about it. His response was that he asked her and that she told him not to play matchmaker. So now I’m torn between two halves of myself. My optimistic side says that she didn’t know I was interested in her, and thought that he was just trying to set us up on his own accord (possible, because, again, even he doesn’t know how interested I am in her,) and that she doesn’t want him to try to set us up, not knowing that I really wanted him to, because I was too much of a pussy to ask her. My other side (still can’t decide if it’s the pessimist or realist) is saying that it’s her way of rejecting me. The logic that side has is that if she were interested in me, she wouldn’t have been mad at him. I tend to be an optimist usually, and I’m significantly leaning towards my optimist side being right, but have literally nothing to base that belief on. If she isn’t interested I really don’t want to be that guy that doesn’t shut the fuck up or can’t take a hint. I would really love to hear what you guys think on this. Thanks again for reading through this fucking torrent of words.
You can't take a hint or be considered to take a hint until you go and talk to her yourself. There is nothing to lose.
[QUOTE=Emugod;42930204]I wasn't diagnosed, but thoughts of suicide and somewhat attempted suicides is enough diagnosis for me. I've been meaning to go see the campus counselor, but I've been too lazy/mopey to do it. It really seems like my friends don't care and that they take enjoyment in my suffering. Every single day I try to talk to them about a girl or depression or something, they make really inappropriate jokes that just further fuels my depression. And, this happens almost every day. I'm fairly passionate about most of the hobbies I participate in. Some more than others, but I still can't find that satisfaction from some of them, and others I can't do anymore because of injuries. I'd also like to pick up some other hobbies that my parents have kind of forbidden me from doing for the time being, but I can't convince them. Thanks, man! You've honestly been so much help even though I've been so whiny and mopey. I kind of feel bad for taking up the last two pages with my bullshit, but I really appreciate the help. You're awesome![/QUOTE] No problem man, anytime - but you should consider seeing a professional. If its any reassurance I just finished a round of 6 sessions with a psychologist and every session I went in feeling I had nothing to say and coming out feeling like I'd just had about a billion realisations about my life. If you feel there is something wrong with you in any way it never hurts to go no matter how minor it is
What would be a good place to go for a first date? I'm still mulling over whether to ask out the girl from my flat block.
Just something casual where you can talk to see if you want to pursue it further, going for a coffee is the staple location and what I normally do. If you actually know them somewhat you could try something more like a movie or dinner.
[QUOTE=Lukeo;42936411]Just something casual where you can talk to see if you want to pursue it further, going for a coffee is the staple location and what I normally do. If you actually know them somewhat you could try something more like a movie or dinner.[/QUOTE] If she likes coffee, you can't go wrong taking her to a coffee place.
[QUOTE=theobod;42852561] It feels like I havent made any real friends in my new class after 2 months, sure there is people that I talk with day in and day out in school, but we really dont do anything after school at all, any tips on that?[/QUOTE] Anyone?
You could always ask them to do something after school. I'm nearing the end of my first semester in college and, while I don't talk to anyone in one of my classes, I've made a few friends in the others by asking them to do stuff on the weekends. It never hurts to ask!
[QUOTE=killerteacup;42935071]No problem man, anytime - but you should consider seeing a professional. If its any reassurance I just finished a round of 6 sessions with a psychologist and every session I went in feeling I had nothing to say and coming out feeling like I'd just had about a billion realisations about my life. If you feel there is something wrong with you in any way it never hurts to go no matter how minor it is[/QUOTE] Well, I have an appointment for tomorrow morning, so I'll see how it goes. I've always been skeptical of psychologists/counselors because I feel I won't get as good help as I might with a friend or someone that I trusted. But, I hope it goes well.
[QUOTE=theobod;42939067]Anyone?[/QUOTE] just take initiative, if you want to see them outside of class then ask them to
My girlfriend ended up asking me out. Everything worked better then expected, I suppose.
I would be hoping for your girlfriend to ask you out.
my girlfriend never asked me out ):
i think he means to initiate the relationship
Yeah, that's what I meant.
I hate how weak and stupid i am, i can't do anything right. I also hated this week the most. That and I got robbed on monday but it was mostly my fault for being too much of a idiot being in that situation and a pussy for not fighting back like I should have. I also cant get a job because nobody wants to hire me, im pretty paranoid right now too. People talk shit about my scrawniness, which I always promise myself that I would work on but end up not doing shit about it because im a lazy little shit that makes up excuses all that time. I can't even get high off weed to try to forget my problems because all it does is make a even bigger moron and makes me feel even worse than before. What I hate the most is that I can only blame myself for how shitty my life is and chances are, actually I KNOW, that I'll end up not doing shit about it.
so i had a date with this girl from school a couple days ago, went to the movies and after that she asked me to take her home. Meet a friend of hers and had a good time. Once we got to her place she asked me if i wanted to come over a while. I accepted. We talked a lot, and seems like we got a lot of things in common, video games, the walking dead, religion and politics as well. had a great time. Left after a couple hours Been talking to her by facebook. Recently my cat had little cats. So i showed a picture of them and she said she would adopt one but his dog would eat it, she said the kitties looked like her cat who passed away. So i told her even if she couldnt keep one, she could at least come over and see them by herself, that i would like her to come. She said that would be cool. After that i realized what i just did. I havent really asked a girl to my place before, what should i do to not look like an awkward sex predator?
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