Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT

[ichiman94]

The guard at my workplace told me, that to get confidence I have to have sex with a woman. What do I do?

[editline]8th January 2014[/editline]

I mean, should I really have sex?

[Mr. Bleak]

If you can't have confidence without having sex with someone first, chances are that the sex itself isn't your problem.

You need to figure out what you like about yourself, what your positive qualities are, and learn to feel equal to everyone else. It's a very liberating experience being able to talk to new people on even terms as you would a good friend because you don't really care one way or another at first.

[Inspector Jones]

Well, I went ahead and texted the girl I work with how I feel about her (Don't worry, it wasn't whiny like the note I posted here earlier; it was very brief). I was planning on waiting until I had improved myself a bit, but she was talking about how a different co-worker was trying to set her up with someone this year.

I figured I had to tell her now before she started seeing someone; if their was even the most remote chance she felt anything towards me, I had to take that chance. If she started seeing someone, even if it wasn't serious, I'd never intrude on something like that. It kind of blew up all of my carefully laid out plans, but at least I'll know I asked and not end up regretting it for the rest of my life.

Absolute Best Case Scenario with practically zero percent chance of occurring; She feels similar to me and something happens. I don't expect her to adore me, but maybe she'll be willing to give it a chance. That's all I can hope for in this scenario.

Okay Scenario; She doesn't and we remain friends. At least she'll know how I feel. Who knows, maybe something will work out in the future.

Worst Case Scenario: She hates me or stops talking to me. I really don't think that'll happen, but saying it does, I'll be devastated, but it'll still be better then a life spent wondering, "What if?".

EDIT:

Well, I just got her text back. It was a kindly worded rejection, but she said we could talk when she had the chance. It's what I expected, but I can't say I'm not saddened by it. I'm not sure what I'll do now; I don't make friends easily and I don't have many opportunities to meet new people.

I still feel the same way about her, which hurts the most. And I don't want to stop feeling the same way.

[ichiman94]

[QUOTE=Mr. Bleak;43458836]You need to figure out what you like about yourself, [b]what your positive qualities are[/b], and learn to feel equal to everyone else. It's a very liberating experience being able to talk to new people on even terms as you would a good friend because you don't really care one way or another at first.[/QUOTE]

I can eat piss shit drink and fuck at the same time, do I qualify for a grillfriend?

Seriously, I don't know. I never spit out my anger on anyone, and I can be very kind and honest to everyone even when I'm angry. I teach people occasionaly stuff that they don't understand and I can program on high level. But I can't find my confidence. I'm always anxious and because of that I barely can talk in some situations, sometimes misunderstanding what he/she says. I can gain some confidence when I settle that could talk to her and it worked once when I tried it out in a bar. But it's not natural to me so it's a problem.

[Mr. Bleak]

See, one thing I learned in therapy was to focus both on characteristics and physical skills. It's a bit harsh, but people aren't generally impressed with the way you are as a person. It definitely helps being a decent human being with good morals, but utility is key.

See, programming at a high level. Yeah, it might be considered "nerdy" or some shit like that, but it has great potential to make money and develop some unique stuff. I can't do that, and I sure wish I could. Talking to people comes with experience. A couple years ago, I couldn't hold a conversation or even maintain eye contact with new people. Now, I make friends very easily.

[Big D Duchovny]

So my brother just got accepted into Oxford University, which is totally amazing as we live in Denmark and even he didn't expect it (though he's done pretty fucking well).

It sucks as well, though, as he'll go there for five years. I guess he'll come back every once in a while, and he moved out ~4 months ago so I already don't see him daily, but it's still pretty weird to think about. I guess I'll just have to deal with it, though.

[ichiman94]

I don't want to be a tool and never get anything back (I have several experiences of this), and it resulted in not helping some people with IT stuff like Access database handling etc. If I think back, I think I acted as a child, so I have to fix stuff before being too late. What is considered as a good utility skill? I might have to look at other things.

Talking means I have to socialize more. Well, friends want me to see at the bar we hang out a lot on friday, so it will be a chance to try talking to strangers, maybe making new friends. I just have to destroy my fear of people thinking negative things about me and rejection. I'm not mainly aiming at getting a girlfriend, but I'm sure I want one. Reading this and some other threads, I just have to be patient and work through my way to be better at social skills, and eventualy I will have someone special. Thank you Mr.Bleak

[Guy Mannly]

[QUOTE=ichiman94;43463261]I don't want to be a tool and never get anything back (I have several experiences of this), and it resulted in not helping some people with IT stuff like Access database handling etc. If I think back, I think I acted as a child, so I have to fix stuff before being too late. What is considered as a good utility skill? I might have to look at other things.

Talking means I have to socialize more. Well, friends want me to see at the bar we hang out a lot on friday, so it will be a chance to try talking to strangers, maybe making new friends. I just have to destroy my fear of people thinking negative things about me and rejection. I'm not mainly aiming at getting a girlfriend, but I'm sure I want one. Reading this and some other threads, I just have to be patient and work through my way to be better at social skills, and eventualy I will have someone special. Thank you Mr.Bleak[/QUOTE]

I tend to be pretty shy but after pushing myself to talk to people a bit I lost a lot of that. The more stupid things you say out loud, the less they will stand out to you.

What really helped me was this visit I made to the campus bookstore. I needed a textbook and tried to make awkward small talk with the cashier. It was the middle of summer, I was sweating my ass off and dead tired and had to ask him to repeat himself about six times across three different phrases. After I left I spent my entire drive home blushing and feeling like I just made a complete fool of myself. When I got home I opened my bag and found a post-it with the guy's number on it.

It's really hard to accept that others aren't scrutinizing you as much as you are yourself, but all I can say is that if someone likes you or just wants to like you, they're a lot more forgiving with your behavior and the little mistakes you make. Even your mistakes could be perfectly natural behaviors for another person.

[ardosos]

[QUOTE=Mr. Bleak;43458836]If you can't have confidence without having sex with someone first, chances are that the sex itself isn't your problem.

You need to figure out what you like about yourself, what your positive qualities are, and learn to feel equal to everyone else. It's a very liberating experience being able to talk to new people on even terms as you would a good friend because you don't really care one way or another at first.[/QUOTE]

What if someone genuinely has no positive qualities? Should they just pretend?

[JackAttack]

[QUOTE=Ardosos;43464352]What if someone genuinely has no positive qualities? Should they just pretend?[/QUOTE]

I doubt that anyone has absolutely 0 positive qualities. There always something, it may seem small or unimportant but its there.

[ardosos]

[QUOTE=jackattack;43464484]I doubt that anyone has absolutely 0 positive qualities. There always something, it may seem small or unimportant but its there.[/QUOTE]

Yeah, but hypothetically though.

[OscarLimaEcho]

[QUOTE=Inspector Jones;43462029]
I still feel the same way about her, which hurts the most. And I don't want to stop feeling the same way.[/QUOTE]

Exactly how did this sound like a good idea to you? You took a work relationship and made it about you and your feelings.
There's not really much to say about this other than "Don't ever do this". You could've gotten somewhere with this if you tried to get to know her instead of risking it on her to already like you.

[editline]8th January 2014[/editline]

[QUOTE=Ardosos;43464726]Yeah, but hypothetically though.[/QUOTE]

Then you hope you have that hidden bonus quality of appearing to have more positive qualities :v:

Honestly though, you gotta have a really shitty attitude to have nothing left, because someone in a good mood and the best intentions can always get somewhere.

[Agoat]

[QUOTE=Inspector Jones;43462029]Well, I went ahead and texted the girl I work with how I feel about her (Don't worry, it wasn't whiny like the note I posted here earlier; it was very brief). I was planning on waiting until I had improved myself a bit, but she was talking about how a different co-worker was trying to set her up with someone this year.

I figured I had to tell her now before she started seeing someone; if their was even the most remote chance she felt anything towards me, I had to take that chance. If she started seeing someone, even if it wasn't serious, I'd never intrude on something like that. It kind of blew up all of my carefully laid out plans, but at least I'll know I asked and not end up regretting it for the rest of my life.

Absolute Best Case Scenario with practically zero percent chance of occurring; She feels similar to me and something happens. I don't expect her to adore me, but maybe she'll be willing to give it a chance. That's all I can hope for in this scenario.

Okay Scenario; She doesn't and we remain friends. At least she'll know how I feel. Who knows, maybe something will work out in the future.

Worst Case Scenario: She hates me or stops talking to me. I really don't think that'll happen, but saying it does, I'll be devastated, but it'll still be better then a life spent wondering, "What if?".

EDIT:

Well, I just got her text back. It was a kindly worded rejection, but she said we could talk when she had the chance. It's what I expected, but I can't say I'm not saddened by it. I'm not sure what I'll do now; I don't make friends easily and I don't have many opportunities to meet new people.

I still feel the same way about her, which hurts the most. And I don't want to stop feeling the same way.[/QUOTE]

You were not getting anywhere with her, she's a co-worker. Leave it be, and ONLY pursue those options if you switch jobs. Keep it fun, don't get serious with any chats. You could fuck up your job if you do this the wrong way.

[Used Car Salesm]

I just want to post a shout-out to the thread title. Seriously, just fucking do it. The risks do not outweigh the potential benefits. You don't get jack shit out of life if you never even try to go for anything. So, yeah, my personal thanks to Facepunch for that piece of advice.

[RocketRacer]

shit I really felt like an outcast or outlander today. So it was lunch reak, I was in company of thegirlIlike and her female friends, when a male friend came and told the girl how ridiculously she looks like when hugs and se hugged everyone who were in that company, and totally ignored me and nobody even noticed that I was there apparently.

I mean, it's understandable that I am a new student from a different country and they have known each other for a long time but still. And that's how itt always happens - they talk and I listen and don't say anything because I just can't add anything to a topic. :(

[OscarLimaEcho]

[QUOTE=RocketRacer;43474147]shit I really felt like an outcast or outlander today. So it was lunch reak, I was in company of thegirlIlike and her female friends, when a male friend came and told the girl how ridiculously she looks like when hugs and se hugged everyone who were in that company, and totally ignored me and nobody even noticed that I was there apparently.

I mean, it's understandable that I am a new student from a different country and they have known each other for a long time but still. And that's how itt always happens - they talk and I listen and don't say anything because I just can't add anything to a topic. :([/QUOTE]

How about not hanging out with these girls? It sounds like you're throwing away your social life to suck up to that one girl you like when you're not actually spending time [I]with her[/I], just around her.

Two years ago I threw away a lot of my social life because I wanted to be around girls, and I can safely say I'm glad I rather make delicious sandviches with my classmates, compare farts and talk about welding than sit in the hellhole that is the lunch hall, trying to take part in a series of conversations I either know nothing about or have no real interest in.

I'm not saying "lol dont get gf/girls have cooties" but if you seriously aren't having fun, there's no point in hanging around that particular group.

[RocketRacer]

[QUOTE=Oscar Lima Echo;43476398]How about not hanging out with these girls? It sounds like you're throwing away your social life to suck up to that one girl you like when you're not actually spending time [I]with her[/I], just around her.

Two years ago I threw away a lot of my social life because I wanted to be around girls, and I can safely say I'm glad I rather make delicious sandviches with my classmates, compare farts and talk about welding than sit in the hellhole that is the lunch hall, trying to take part in a series of conversations I either know nothing about or have no real interest in.

I'm not saying "lol dont get gf/girls have cooties" but if you seriously aren't having fun, there's no point in hanging around that particular group.[/QUOTE]

Thing is - it is not dependent on the group - whoever I am with nothing changes. For some freaking reason I most of the time silent and don't really talk much(maybe because of the language I don't know) so it realy does not matter.

My friend also 'recommended' me to go for hugs myself on greetig rather than expecting them. The problem is, even though I want to, I just can't do it. I am an entirely new(alien) person in this society and anyone barely knows me, so I don't want to look like a total freak/dumbass/whatever you call it by going "hugs pls". I just...can't. It doesn't feel right. If someone will start hugging me, then I will understand that I am sort of 'established' in the society. Soubds weird, but that is how I see things and refuse to start going for hugs myself because I am going to look like an idiot.

[Fire Kracker]

I am so sick of girls comparing me to korean guys in their drama's

SO SICK

after they compare me, everything starts getting dramatic like they're trying to live out a drama, but before hand the relationship is perfectly fine

everything that i do that makes me seem a like a jerk seems to be 2x as jerky and everything that's nice seems like the nicest thing i've ever done multiple times

and then they start to get jealous and they tell me the reason is because i am so attractive and that i talk to so many attractive people on a daily basis [I]but they are just my friends can i not have girl friends or something because in their dramas it always means something more apparently[/I]

[editline]10th January 2014[/editline]

[QUOTE=RocketRacer;43478756]Thing is - it is not dependent on the group - whoever I am with nothing changes. For some freaking reason I most of the time silent and don't really talk much(maybe because of the language I don't know) so it realy does not matter.

My friend also 'recommended' me to go for hugs myself on greetig rather than expecting them. The problem is, even though I want to, I just can't do it. I am an entirely new(alien) person in this society and anyone barely knows me, so I don't want to look like a total freak/dumbass/whatever you call it by going "hugs pls". I just...can't. It doesn't feel right. If someone will start hugging me, then I will understand that I am sort of 'established' in the society. Soubds weird, but that is how I see things and refuse to start going for hugs myself because I am going to look like an idiot.[/QUOTE]
tbh you're not missing out on much
i am actually uncomfortable with hugs myself

when people give me hugs i kind of just stand there and want them to stop, i mean i give one back but it doesn't feel that great at all :\ unless i really like the person

though even though you don't know the language you can try to speak anyways, people loved that i was an asian who couldn't speak english well

[RocketRacer]

[QUOTE=Fire Kracker;43483393]I am so sick of girls comparing me to korean guys in their drama's

SO SICK

after they compare me, everything starts getting dramatic like they're trying to live out a drama, but before hand the relationship is perfectly fine

everything that i do that makes me seem a like a jerk seems to be 2x as jerky and everything that's nice seems like the nicest thing i've ever done multiple times

and then they start to get jealous and they tell me the reason is because i am so attractive and that i talk to so many attractive people on a daily basis [I]but they are just my friends can i not have girl friends or something because in their dramas it always means something more apparently[/I]

[editline]10th January 2014[/editline]

tbh you're not missing out on much
i am actually uncomfortable with hugs myself

when people give me hugs i kind of just stand there and want them to stop, i mean i give one back but it doesn't feel that great at all :\ unless i really like the person

though even though you don't know the language you can try to speak anyways, people loved that i was an asian who couldn't speak english well[/QUOTE]
I do miss a lot. I am that kind of person who enjoy any contact with females, especially hugs(and beyond). It's because of my childhood and how I was raised, and even though I might look beutral on the outside, small things like that are killing me inside. That is the reason why that yesterday's sitsustion has hit me twice as much as it should have... It sounds weird but that is how it is.

[editline]10th January 2014[/editline]

Yeh every girl keeps saying 'aw your accent is so lovely' and etc. If you do like something in me, at least please don't forget that I exist.

[Kingy_who]

My friend in my halls in uni has just committed suicide yesterday. I'm really not sure how to deal with it.

[RocketRacer]

[QUOTE=Kingy_who;43485304]My friend in my halls in uni has just committed suicide yesterday. I'm really not sure how to deal with it.[/QUOTE]

In your halls in uni? What does 'your halls' mean?

[OogalaBoogal]

[QUOTE=RocketRacer;43485877]In your halls in uni? What does 'your halls' mean?[/QUOTE]

University residence unit

[Metallics]

[QUOTE=Kingy_who;43485304]My friend in my halls in uni has just committed suicide yesterday. I'm really not sure how to deal with it.[/QUOTE]

I understand buddy, my friend accidentally killed herself in first year with e. It doesn't seem real at first. I'd try to keep on with day to day life for the time being, but when it does finally sink in, don't be afraid to grieve, get it done and out they way so you can accept it and move on. And remember all the good times.

[Rossy167]

[QUOTE]I used to be friends with this girl and for a few different around reasons we just sort of stopped talking, she's really shy and (of course) I am a social half wit. We go to the same school so it's not like we don't see each other around, but now (one of the reasons) we're in completely different friend groups and (another) not in a single lesson with each other. I know you don't need a reason to just go up to some and say 'hi' but I just feel really awkward and wouldn't know what to say and to be honest often struggle talking to people.

She's been on my mind lately, I don't think I've got a crush on her or anything I just sort of miss being friends. I have no idea how to approach this and I'm not on any of those social networking sites (although I don't think she is either), I think I may have her number from ages ago though.[/QUOTE]

A few weeks ago I posted this, it's fairly vague and doesn't really explain anything about her or anything that lead to us just stopping talking but it's really began bothering me. A while ago I noticed a visible reaction (like a twitch or flinch) from her whenever she sees me (she's a very shy and nervous girl), I'm sort of unsure of why (I mean I was inadvertently a massive dick to her, in my head at least). I thought it was in my head (the twitch) but then I pointed it out to a friend and he said he noticed it too.

So 2 things:

1. Did this not get a response because it wasn't worthy of one, I understand, or did it just get skimmed over.

2. What the hell's up with this/me/everything?

[ichiman94]

I'm bit drunk but whatever. I'm at the bar and I'm fucking depressed by not being able able to make interest towards me in girls. I failed. I'm a fail and I should just commit suicide because I'm not worth to the humwnity. Damn :'(

[frankpetrov]

[QUOTE=ichiman94;43490914]I'm bit drunk but whatever. I'm at the bar and I'm fucking depressed by not being able able to make interest towards me in girls. I failed. I'm a fail and I should just commit suicide because I'm not worth to the humwnity. Damn :'([/QUOTE]

da fuck? or choose the right drinks to boost your confidence but don't over-drink and become drunk.

[ichiman94]

kill me i'm not worth anything there's no drink that increases my confidence. it's just that girls don't want me

kill me

[Mr. Bleak]

This isn't really the place for that, man. You shouldn't be drinking if it's going to make you act erratically like that.

If you're not willing to help yourself, there's nothing we can do here.

[ichiman94]

I'm willing to help myself, it's just that there are no other places to meet anyone. I will do anything you suggest.

[chinatown]

go talk to them?
or just keep drinking and whining on an internet forum in a bar like thats gonna help you

[editline]10th January 2014[/editline]

[QUOTE=FrankPetrov;43490950]da fuck? or choose the right drinks to boost your confidence but don't over-drink and become drunk.[/QUOTE]

what the fuck is a drink to boost your confidence