Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT

[OogalaBoogal]

[QUOTE=mac338;40419136]I need someone to talk to who doesn't bring up their own problems. A good listener, and someone who cares.[/QUOTE]

You really have to give some and take some, IMHO. Having a friend as a one sided crutch is no good.

[Metallics]

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;40424500]Now I admit that back then, I was a bit creeping.

But things changed. I've had one year to grow up emotionally.
And then she was the one contacting me after a long time of not seeing each other and things have just been picking up from there.

Their relationship is on the verge, I've been spending time with her on a mutual interest and we connect really well.[/QUOTE]

You still don't get it though, do you?

[killerteacup]

[QUOTE=Sunday_Roast;40424500]Now I admit that back then, I was a bit creeping.

But things changed. I've had one year to grow up emotionally.
And then she was the one contacting me after a long time of not seeing each other and things have just been picking up from there.

Their relationship is on the verge, I've been spending time with her on a mutual interest and we connect really well.[/QUOTE]

you don't seem to have grown up that much

[Jo The Shmo]

sunday roast i remember you as one of the most blindly naive posters in this thread

[SundayRoast]

[QUOTE=metallics;40428136]You still don't get it though, do you?[/QUOTE]

Yes! I get it. You don't want me to go after someone else's girlfriend no matter the circumstances.
What would you want me to do then?
Decline when she wants to hang out? Refuse to talk with her?
Then go talk to her boyfriend about that he's an ass for ignoring her?

I feel like I'm coming out way too defensive here.
But really, if I'm now being a total creep here then how come she has been the one wanting to go out?

[editline]26th April 2013[/editline]

I'll keep my mouth shut in this thread.

[Guy Mannly]

kind of sad right now
my roommate started dating this new girl, i don't really have any friends aside from bf and roommate and she's been over a lot. from what i could tell they got along incredibly well, he was really happy. and aside from that she's probably the sweetest person i've ever met - she's gone through some really tough shit (she told me she's been assaulted 3 times in the last month and most recently she's become homeless because one of those people was her roommate) but she still manages to be the most cheerful person in the world. we went out for lunch and i remember her complimenting an older woman on her hair and the woman responded that she just made her day
and we played fable together for a little while the other night and i was really wasted and ended up blabbering a bit about how i think she's really admirable as a person for how she manages to keep such a positive attitude. like i'm really quiet but i think i bonded with her a bit
and then tonight as my roommate was going to sleep he suddenly tells us he's thinking of breaking up with her because she smokes pot.
he does too. he has smoked it several times in the past month or two, in our apartment. he also is a smoker, drinks frequently, and has the worst diet i've ever heard of. and now he's thinking of abandoning this girl who's been incredibly good to him because of a habit he has too
i mean it's not any of my business i guess. but i was really happy the other day because i thought she'd finally have something consistent and somewhere safe to stay and maybe live. my bf and i both love having her around and i was looking forward to spending more time with her but that would be pretty hard to do if they broke up. roommate and i are close and i don't want to be on both sides of whatever tension there is afterward.
just don't understand how he can go from one night saying "i like her more than i'll ever admit" and then basically telling us "i'm bored of her. thinking of breaking up"

[SundayRoast]

If I were to say it sounds like he found out he wasn't ready for commitment, taken that she's homeless at the moment.
And is now taking her pot smoking as a chance to jump the boat.

[Guy Mannly]

well right now she's crashing at a friend's house, from the start he basically told her she couldn't live with us, and he made it sound like he wanted her to but that he assumed we wouldn't want her to (even though today i was on the verge of telling my roommate i thought he should ask her to live with us if he wants to since she's stayed over for days at a time and she keeps the apartment clean and it's a pleasure having her around)
and then tonight he basically said that he had used us as an excuse to not let her stay here. so i have no idea which version is true because that doesn't seem like what he would've done a few days ago when he was head over heels for her

but basically he said that he doesn't like that she hasn't moved on from her habits. he used to be an alcoholic and drug addict and i guess it doesn't occur to him that him smoking weed in our apartment and then having a few potheads over so they can all go meet up with a drug dealer is the same thing as smoking weed to deal with shit that's going on in your life, like roommate assaulting you, not being able to attend college because your dad made you drop out of hs to work..
i really hate that he's going to do this to her after all the shit she's already going through right now

[Guy Mannly]

i never said that was what i was doing

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;40428736]i mean it's not any of my business i guess. but i was really happy the other day because i thought she'd finally have something consistent and somewhere safe to stay and maybe live. my bf and i both love having her around and i was looking forward to spending more time with her but that would be pretty hard to do if they broke up. roommate and i are close and i don't want to be on both sides of whatever tension there is afterward.[/QUOTE]

it just sucks that a) i am losing the opportunity to hang out with her at our apartment, b) it is going to be difficult to pursue a friendship if they break up because i'm going to be on two sides of drama i don't want to be part of, and c) that she still doesn't have a safe place to stay

[editline]26th April 2013[/editline]

and i doubt they would be on good terms if they broke up. just a day or two ago they were pretty attached and it's not going to be something mutual.

[Guy Mannly]

our living situation doesn't make her staying here something easy or possible. she'd be sleeping on the couch in the living room which is between our bedrooms and our kitchen/computer area and right next to roommate's bathroom so she'd get woken up frequently if someone goes to get water, make water, or rm goes out for a smoke

also i never said "i hate what he's doing to her" or anything of that nature. really tired of the condescending responses posts get in this thread because people don't read what they're replying to.

like i don't really like it when i post here to vent about something and the same sort of advice i've given out before gets handed back to me for a situation it doesn't even apply to

[mac338]

[QUOTE=OogalaBoogal;40425354]You really have to give some and take some, IMHO. Having a friend as a one sided crutch is no good.[/QUOTE]

I do, my friends would testify I probably give more than I take. I need someone I don't already know for this issue, because bringing it up with my friends could make them feel bad or guilty.
But I had a nice chat with the friendly Guy Mannly, so I'm good.

[dmillerw]

Fuck. Just... fuck!

So I haven't been on the best of terms with my ex lately, which is understandable, but we talked for a little yesterday, and she revealed to me that she'd tried to commit suicide last week. While I know this isn't any of my business anymore, and that I should try and distance myself, I just can't.

I'm the type of person that will do just about anything to ensure someone's happy, as long as I care about them, so at this point I'm incredibly conflicted. Do I try and figure out how to help her? Or do I leave her alone to avoid causing any more issues?

[killerteacup]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;40428875]our living situation doesn't make her staying here something easy or possible. she'd be sleeping on the couch in the living room which is between our bedrooms and our kitchen/computer area and right next to roommate's bathroom so she'd get woken up frequently if someone goes to get water, make water, or rm goes out for a smoke

also i never said "i hate what he's doing to her" or anything of that nature. really tired of the condescending responses posts get in this thread because people don't read what they're replying to.

like i don't really like it when i post here to vent about something and the same sort of advice i've given out before gets handed back to me for a situation it doesn't even apply to[/QUOTE]

Don't worry I know what you mean about this but I don't think anyone is meaning to be condescending, they are just trying to help after all so yeah

It sounds like your roommate has been causing you a lot of trouble lately with the guild stuff and with this girl and that's a real shame that he's being so hypocritical - seems like he doesn't know whats good for him most of the time

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;40428875]it just sucks that a) i am losing the opportunity to hang out with her at our apartment,[B] b) it is going to be difficult to pursue a friendship if they break up because i'm going to be on two sides of drama i don't want to be part of, and c[/B]) that she still doesn't have a safe place to stay
[/QUOTE]

A and C are problems that really you can't do much about, but you can choose how to deal with B - I know he's your roommate, but if he's the one who initiates you shouldn't feel guilty about being her friend and if he tries to shoehorn you into being on his side, or immediately assumes you're against him for staying her friend, then that's his problem and you can tell him as much

I know that living with him means that's probably not going to foster good relations in the household, but it's a boundaries thing, I know my housemate has already said she wouldn't stop being friends with my girlfriend if we broke up and I'm totally okay with that - there isn't any reason he should be not okay with it, regardless of bad blood

I'm sure you're smart enough to have figured this already because you have a good handle on this sort of stuff - but if it were me I'd do my best to stay friends with her even if there was bad blood, sounds like she really needs it and it would be the right thing to do at least that's my take on it

[QUOTE=dmillerw;40430740]Fuck. Just... fuck!

So I haven't been on the best of terms with my ex lately, which is understandable, but we talked for a little yesterday, and she revealed to me that she'd tried to commit suicide last week. While I know this isn't any of my business anymore, and that I should try and distance myself, I just can't.

I'm the type of person that will do just about anything to ensure someone's happy, as long as I care about them, so at this point I'm incredibly conflicted. Do I try and figure out how to help her? Or do I leave her alone to avoid causing any more issues?[/QUOTE]

Muster up the courage to do the ACTUAL right thing and tell someone about it instead of trying to deal with it yourself which is categorically the wrong thing to do when dealing with someone suicidal - you aren't a doctor or a psychologist, and you aren't a person who is guaranteed to make her happy as you are her ex

ie, parents, people, hotline, idk. Don't try and shoulder the burden

[Gulen]

Ok, so it's been a while since I posted here last, but now I'm in need of some help.

So there's this girl (of course) that I used to commute with, until she got an appartement in the town we go to school. I talked with her a couple times on the bus and such, and we went to a party a few weeks back. There we talked for a bit until we were cut off by something. Iirc, she initiated the conversation, and we laughed and such. I even tried hitting on her a little later, but I wasn't sober, so it didn't go too well... And now I've kind of developed a little crush on her.

I'm wondering, would it be weird if I messaged her on Facebook like "hey, what's up?" just out of the blue? We live about an hour drive away, and we go to different schools, so we never run into each other or anything like that.

[editline]26th April 2013[/editline]

We've also got a bunch of friends in common.

[Hiccuper]

Right, I don't know exactly where to post this, but it's not thread-worthy, kinda social, and I just need an outside perspective. There's this girl in my group of friends called A. I can't pinpoint exactly when she started hanging around with us, but in the last 5 years or so she was in two other groups that she isn't friends with anymore. I'm relatively friendly with the other two groups and knew that she got kicked out for being a terrible liar/psycho, but I was willing to believe she turned over a new leaf. So recently I suspected her of bullshitting again.

We're all just finished secondary school in Ireland in the past year and she didn't get the results she needed to get into college, but instead of repeating her final year she decided she was going to take a year out and do a similar course in Cardiff the year after. She has a job she gets a lot of hours working so she could save up a decent pile of money. She kept showing us different apartments and stuff and asking us for help on deciding between things. Then about 3 months before she was supposed to leave, she tells us all she has salivary gland cancer.

Now at this stage little "psycho liar" alarms are going off in my head, but I dismiss them and think it's terrible that I'm suspecting someone of lying about having cancer. But she doesn't mention it again for ages, we never hear about her getting chemo(which would be obvious because she would lose her hair) or surgery, or any treatment, but nobody wants to be rude and ask. Then the date comes around when she's supposed to be leaving for Cardiff and we have a house party a few nights before. One of the girls spent 70 quid on a massive photo album and printing out loads of photos of the gang to put in it. There's lots of tears and everyone goes home. A then tells us that her "idiot" mam decided to book a holiday for herself on the date she was meant to go(which we later found out she never went on), so A has to stay home and look after her younger siblings, and postpone her flight/ferry(not sure which) till the next week. I'm slightly confused here because I'm guessing she would have lost a fuckton of money over the booking, but whatever. Then a few days before her second "departure" and she tells us all that she's decided she's not going to cardiff anymore, apparently she had been deliberating over it for the past week.

So I'm assuming now that she lost a fuckton of money over a deposit on her accommodation. I then found out that she had no intention of going to college at all, and just wanted to work abroad. So I started wondering why she had decided to go and work in a different country, where she apparently had like 2 friends, completely supporting herself, while she had a life-threatening illness and would have had to switch doctors, hospitals, and run the risk of getting too sick to work for long periods of time.
Other people got curious too, and started asking tentative questions about cancer and doing their own research on salivary gland cancer. Apparently it's one of the rarest forms, accounting for 1% of all cancer cases [I]in the head and neck area.[/I] She told us the doctors "aren't sure" what stage it's at, which doesn't make sense as the stage is determined by the size of the tumour. And that she's getting treated with "special antibiotics" which makes no sense, but she's not the brightest, so someone suggested she could be on some clinical trial drug which she decided to call antibiotics, the odds of which are unlikely. She also said that she gets light-headed when she doesn't take the drugs.

So now there's a growing number of people suspecting her of being a gigantic liar/attention seeker, but nobody wants to accuse her of lying about cancer. But we start having doubts about things she's said about other people. She seems to have an enormous amount of dirt that nobody's heard before on a lot of people, and all the people she has dirt on happen to be people she dislikes. I know for a fact that one of the things she's told us about someone is complete and utter bullshit, as she was talking shit about one of my best friends, but everything else is conjecture, she could easily come up with excuses for them. And I don't want to sound like some morally perfect white knight or something, but I don't think it's right that most of the group is talking about her behind her back, we should call her out on it. The trouble is there's no way we can call her out on these gigantic webs of lies without looking like cunts. I can and am planning on calling her out on the small lies, but I really don't know what to do.

Any suggestions are welcome. Also if anyone has any experience with cancer and can maybe poke a few more holes in her story it would be appreciated.

[ArgvCompany]

I'm texting with a girl which I've never talked to in real life. I've discovered that it feels like we fit pretty good together when we text at least. I know that it does not have to map to the real world, and that's why I want to find out. I want to be with her alone without my or her friends there. Now I wonder what sounds best: Try to meet her and do, well something, I don't really know, this weekend, or offer her lunch on a school day next week. What do you think?

[Metallics]

[QUOTE=ArgvCompany;40432120]I'm texting with a girl which I've never talked to in real life. I've discovered that it feels like we fit pretty good together when we text at least. I know that it does not have to map to the real world, and that's why I want to find out. I want to be with her alone without my or her friends there. Now I wonder what sounds best: Try to meet her and do, well something, I don't really know, this weekend, or offer her lunch on a school day next week. What do you think?[/QUOTE]

Ask her out somewhere this weekend. School lunch isnt a good shout.

[Hiccuper]

[QUOTE=Yahnich;40432344]sorry i might have been a bit rude i am sorry im not having the best day[/QUOTE]

To be fair I did go on a bit of a rant.

[ArgvCompany]

[QUOTE=metallics;40432271]Ask her out somewhere this weekend. School lunch isnt a good shout.[/QUOTE]

Sure, but keep in mind we've never even talked to each other in real life. I thought I could eat alone with her someday next week and then in that situation ask what she's doing in the weekend (next weekend). You still think I should go directly for this weekend though?

[Riku2211]

Fuck, i cant get a single chance to talk to this girl. I saw my friend talking to her earlier and tried to join in, but by the time i had gotten my stuff put away he was doing something else so i just talked to him. Thats literally the only place i ever see her, too. Sucks that this is the end of the school year. I probably wont even get a chance. I was thinking about asking my friend about her. He could probably help me out but im not sure im really comfortable with that. I dont usually talk to friends about that sort of stuff. I might even consider just straight up talking to her before the year ends but there is no way i can work that out in my head where its not terrible. I'm trying not to overthink it, but i dont want to underthink it either.

Sorry for any mistakes or whatever im on my phone

[Zerokateo]

[QUOTE=riku2211;40432841]Fuck, i cant get a single chance to talk to this girl. I saw my friend talking to her earlier and tried to join in, but by the time i had gotten my stuff put away he was doing something else so i just talked to him. Thats literally the only place i ever see her, too. Sucks that this is the end of the school year. I probably wont even get a chance. I was thinking about asking my friend about her. He could probably help me out but im not sure im really comfortable with that. I dont usually talk to friends about that sort of stuff. I might even consider just straight up talking to her before the year ends but there is no way i can work that out in my head where its not terrible. I'm trying not to overthink it, but i dont want to underthink it either.

Sorry for any mistakes or whatever im on my phone[/QUOTE]

Walk up to her whenever she's not in a group of her friends, say hi and introduce yourself and ask her if she has any plans at all.

[Boss]

[QUOTE=Hiccuper;40432388]To be fair I did go on a bit of a rant.[/QUOTE]

Shes a lier whoop de whoop, I wouldnt even waste the effort of having to call her out. W/e she says just nod and agree.

[Riku2211]

[QUOTE=Zerokateo;40433269]Walk up to her whenever she's not in a group of her friends, say hi and introduce yourself and ask her if she has any plans at all.[/QUOTE]

The only times i see her are in class and walking with a friend to wherever she eats lunch. Plus, if at least just for my own comfort, id prefer to be on like a first name basis with her before that.

[ArgvCompany]

[QUOTE=riku2211;40434100]The only times i see her are in class and walking with a friend to wherever she eats lunch. Plus, if at least just for my own comfort, id prefer to be on like a first name basis with her before that.[/QUOTE]

If you're going start with talking to her in real life, you might as well just walk up and introduce yourself.

[dmillerw]

[QUOTE=killerteacup;40430825]Muster up the courage to do the ACTUAL right thing and tell someone about it instead of trying to deal with it yourself which is categorically the wrong thing to do when dealing with someone suicidal - you aren't a doctor or a psychologist, and you aren't a person who is guaranteed to make her happy as you are her ex

ie, parents, people, hotline, idk. Don't try and shoulder the burden[/QUOTE]

Everyone who does need to know about it already does. It's not that I'm trying to do anything about, it's more that I feel partially responsible for her actions (long story) and I feel like I should be righting some wrongs.

[killerteacup]

[QUOTE=dmillerw;40434540]Everyone who does need to know about it already does. It's not that I'm trying to do anything about, it's more that I feel partially responsible for her actions (long story) and I feel like I should be righting some wrongs.[/QUOTE]

Don't feel responsible - you aren't the reason she's suicidal.

A lot of people come into this section at their wit's end, saying that they don't know what to do about their suicidal friend, that they've tried everything and nothing seems to work. They feel trapped as well, because they're in so deep that if they were to back out even slightly, this person would notice - and they feel like all hell would break loose.

Noone ever remains detached. Help her if you think it's right - but don't feel responsible for her actions, because your feeling of obligation will drag you in until the door closes behind you and suddenly you're trapped, and she's bringing you down with her, and you can't help her but now you're blaming yourself every time something goes wrong, so it's even worse.

Don't feel obligated to help this girl - sure if you want you can do it but you should always make sure:

- That you can back out at any time that you see your own wellbeing being affected
- That you don't feel responsible for her actions or obliged to help her
- That other people know what is going on and have chances to help her as well
- That she gets the appropriate help she needs rather than relying on people who may or may not be good for her

It seems weird to make a list for such a situation, but these things are really crucial and will help everyone involved deal with these problems a little better

[Boss]

[QUOTE=killerteacup;40436680]Don't feel responsible - you aren't the reason she's suicidal.

A lot of people come into this section at their wit's end, saying that they don't know what to do about their suicidal friend, that they've tried everything and nothing seems to work. They feel trapped as well, because they're in so deep that if they were to back out even slightly, this person would notice - and they feel like all hell would break loose.

Noone ever remains detached. Help her if you think it's right - but don't feel responsible for her actions, because your feeling of obligation will drag you in until the door closes behind you and suddenly you're trapped, and she's bringing you down with her, and you can't help her but now you're blaming yourself every time something goes wrong, so it's even worse.

Don't feel obligated to help this girl - sure if you want you can do it but you should always make sure:

- That you can back out at any time that you see your own wellbeing being affected
- That you don't feel responsible for her actions or obliged to help her
- That other people know what is going on and have chances to help her as well
- That she gets the appropriate help she needs rather than relying on people who may or may not be good for her

It seems weird to make a list for such a situation, but these things are really crucial and will help everyone involved deal with these problems a little better[/QUOTE]

Give this mofuka a star, too many people feel that once they've taken the responsibility of caring for such a person or situation that they should be giving everything towards it. Just take a step back and look at what your actually trying to achieve, is it realistic?

To put it bluntly, if said person is gona blow their own head off and you dont think there is jack shit you can do to help put let the correct people know whats going on. Then dont even think about losing sleep over it.

[Heigou]

Got oneitis, help.

[lolerot95]

Okay im just here to vent this out, I feel like i need to tell this to someone atleast.

Iv'e had a little crush on my friend lately and I confessed it to her but she doesn't feel the same. I'm okay with that since I knew that she was going to say that so we remained freinds and no awkardness pursued. but last night I had a dream about her and I kissing, no sexual stuff just kissing. It just felt so real. So when I woke up I felt like shit because I thought it was real and my brain and emtions fucked me over sort of. So yeah thats my little story. Just venting it out

[Splash Attack]

[QUOTE=lolerot95;40443068]Okay im just here to vent this out, I feel like i need to tell this to someone atleast.

Iv'e had a little crush on my friend lately and I confessed it to her but she doesn't feel the same. I'm okay with that since I knew that she was going to say that so we remained freinds and no awkardness pursued. but last night I had a dream about her and I kissing, no sexual stuff just kissing. It just felt so real. So when I woke up I felt like shit because I thought it was real and my brain and emtions fucked me over sort of. So yeah thats my little story. Just venting it out[/QUOTE]

From my experience, even pursuing a platonic relationship with her will only make the feelings that much harder to overcome. I'm not saying you should stop being friends, but some good distance would definitely help.

Also, I wouldn't get your hopes up in thinking you still have a chance, because the answer is probably no.