Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT
11,088 replies, posted
just buy a fursuit for yourself and have a great big furry orgy?
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;44848668]Things are still great on the whole; this one thing has bothered me from the get-go. I just gotta get my head out of my butt about it, though. It's unrealistic to think that we're going to have every little thing in common, and this is only going to be a problem for the relationship if I make it one, which would be a very silly thing to do![/QUOTE]
How much have you talked about it with her? Not to try to get her to take the pictures down, but just in general?
If you really try to understand and appreciate what about she likes and why she does it, it might bother you less
Also, asking someone on a coffee date. Would just saying "Hey do you wanna get coffee with me some time?" suffice? I've only done this once before and it didn't work out so well.
[QUOTE=ZenX2;44849621]Would just saying "Hey do you wanna get coffee with me some time?" suffice?[/QUOTE]
Yes
[QUOTE=Psygo;44838740]can i ask you some things about aspergers?
my girlfriend has it and sometimes it feels like she doesnt know empathy at all, but I don't remember, is that what aspergers is?
she says she doesn't know what "sorry" feels like.
sometimes she's really hard to be with and she just takes all her problems out on me, probably not realising it.
i'm trying hard to stay with her though because she's fun when she's not taking her problems out on me.
[editline]18th May 2014[/editline]
and also she gets a little sad whenever she notices signs of asperger in herself[/QUOTE]
What questions do you want to ask about Aspergers?
Personally I believe it would be best if I never enter a relationship with anyone, it wouldn't be fair to put anyone through that.
[QuoTE=ZenX2;44849621]How much have you talked about it with her? Not to try to get her to take the pictures down, but just in general?
If you really try to understand and appreciate what about she likes and why she does it, it might bother you less
Also, asking someone on a coffee date. Would just saying "Hey do you wanna get coffee with me some time?" suffice? I've only done this once before and it didn't work out so well.[/QUOTE]
Yeah, we have. It all boils down to her social anxiety. She gets terrifically nervous in groups of people, and she likes fursuits because they let her make up a new identity and wear a mask. It lets her socialize in groups with people in a more or less anonymous fashion. Beyond that, she just likes animals a lot, so this seemed like a natural outlet, since she's always been pretty into cosplay stuff in general.
I understand why she is interested in this, and wouldn't want to take it away from her, but a selfish part of me is hoping that her new doctor, medication, and emotional support at home (me) will allow her to feel brave and confident enough to not need that outlet anymore. It doesn't change my feelings towards her either way, but it makes me kind of sad to see, because I feel like she's trying to sidestep her issues with anxiety rather than address them.
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;44850593]Yeah, we have. It all boils down to her social anxiety. She gets terrifically nervous in groups of people, and she likes fursuits because they let her make up a new identity and wear a mask. It lets her socialize in groups with people in a more or less anonymous fashion. Beyond that, she just likes animals a lot, so this seemed like a natural outlet, since she's always been pretty into cosplay stuff in general.
I understand why she is interested in this, and wouldn't want to take it away from her, but a selfish part of me is hoping that her new doctor, medication, and emotional support at home (me) will allow her to feel brave and confident enough to not need that outlet anymore. It doesn't change my feelings towards her either way, but it makes me kind of sad to see, because I feel like she's trying to sidestep her issues with anxiety rather than address them.[/QUOTE]
It's important to remember that problems like that won't easily go away, and it's likely she won't get better. Don't go into your relationship with the expectation of solving her problems, but know that you'll need to support her through them even if they don't improve.
[editline]19th May 2014[/editline]
And speaking from personal experience, it can be very, very difficult to support someone with a mood disorder sometimes. My boyfriend is depressed and has periods of a few days, up to a week, where he's just unhappy and doesn't want to do anything. It's extremely stressful to see him like that and not be able to do anything to improve it.
I understand, and her dropping the furry biz is in no way conditional to our relationship. I also know that it can be pretty stressful to respond to people with mood disorders, I've had to console IBG through a few meltdowns already, and it really does make me feel pretty crappy not being able to pluck that nastiness away for her. But that's okay, you know? I'll help her along any way I can. I care about her, and just want to see her happy and comfortable, because when she's shining, she shines brightly.
Came home from my pseudo date with a girl I've been interested in
come home, get a text
"10/10 would do again"
what is this lovely feeling
huh so it's end of a semester and another one to go until midJuly and apparently I'm gonna spend this summer exactly as I was thinking I will as an alien - at home playing games with friends via internet. Go me.
no I really need to get out sometime during the summer with the only 'real' friend I have so far - a girl that's not native herself and moved to UK when she was 4. She's probably the only good link I have to this society apart from some people I speak to only during lessons.
[QUOTE=Disseminate;44850061]Yes[/QUOTE]
Awesome. This'll probably be on Wednesday or Friday, so we'll see how it goes...
Except there might be a different schedule this week. I'll have to work around that.
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;44846902]Every time I come in here to ask for some advice regarding Itty Bitty Girlfriend, I get a paragraph or so in, and realize I already know the answer. There are some things about her that I'm not totally comfortable with (namely, her fursuit and related interests [non-sexual]). I keep coming in to ask how to tell her that I don't like her having a picture of her wearing her fursuit as her Facebook picture, or something like that, and then realize that I really can't, or at least that I shouldn't. I mean, it's petty and unfair of me to tell her that she can't do something she likes just because I'm made mildly uncomfortable by it, right? Probably, I think.
I guess I could use a second opinion, just so I quit bouncing around on it?[/QUOTE]
There are two sides to this.
No, its not your place to [B]tell[/B] her, but you can [I]ask[/I].
It's important in a relationship to communicate what you like, and even more so to communicate what you don't like. Each partner has full rights to say no if they are told "This bothers me could you maybe not do it" but it's important to know whats bothering each other and to be able to talk it over.
Not just keeping it to yourself. So talk about it with her, you can let her know you know its up to her but feelings are feelings.
etc
Edit:
Also reading a little more, on the anxiety thing, I had a friend just like that in high school. She has severe social anxiety, and was on meds (which for her at least was good but not good enough, it was still pretty bad. By the way when she gets on her meds try to help her not miss days. Missed days were really bad) She loved going to Anime cons and dressing up and had no issues with the crowds of new people and had almost no issue just talking with random people. It's super neat actually.
I had some social anxiety too in highschool (Well if i want to be really honest I still do, although I've never been as bad off as her for sure) I loved cons for the atmosphere being like that, all these socially awkward nerds can just chill like normal people haha. But I can tell you that I highly doubt she will stop furrsuiting even if it stops being a needed outlet for anxiety and such, because its still fun, and enjoyable.
That and fursuits cost a fuckton man. God damn. Get good use out of that thing
[QUOTE=Rhenae;44854350]There are two sides to this.
No, its not your place to [B]tell[/B] her, but you can [I]ask[/I].
It's important in a relationship to communicate what you like, and even more so to communicate what you don't like. Each partner has full rights to say no if they are told "This bothers me could you maybe not do it" but it's important to know whats bothering each other and to be able to talk it over.
Not just keeping it to yourself. So talk about it with her, you can let her know you know its up to her but feelings are feelings.
etc
Edit:
Also reading a little more, on the anxiety thing, I had a friend just like that in high school. She has severe social anxiety, and was on meds (which for her at least was good but not good enough, it was still pretty bad. By the way when she gets on her meds try to help her not miss days. Missed days were really bad) She loved going to Anime cons and dressing up and had no issues with the crowds of new people and had almost no issue just talking with random people. It's super neat actually.
I had some social anxiety too in highschool (Well if i want to be really honest I still do, although I've never been as bad off as her for sure) I loved cons for the atmosphere being like that, all these socially awkward nerds can just chill like normal people haha. But I can tell you that I highly doubt she will stop furrsuiting even if it stops being a needed outlet for anxiety and such, because its still fun, and enjoyable.
That and fursuits cost a fuckton man. God damn. Get good use out of that thing[/QUOTE]
We talked about it a bit more tonight, and I've decided I'm cool with it. It's not my scene, but she enjoys it, it makes her feel confident, and it gives her a big creative outlet because she makes her own suits and stuff, and is pretty good at it. At the last con she went to, in Chicago this past weekend, a lot of folks were asking her where she bought hers, because they wanted to order one too, so she's thinking about making and selling them, which could be a pretty decent source of secondary income!
Met this lovely gal at school today, though its a shame I had never interacted with her till today. With school nearly ending and college off in the horizon there's not much of a point to try anything. It does make me optimistic for next year though. There's going to be even more new people next year to meet!
[QUOTE=ZenX2;44849621]Also, asking someone on a coffee date. Would just saying "Hey do you wanna get coffee with me some time?" suffice? I've only done this once before and it didn't work out so well.[/QUOTE]
Ok so I've been getting anxiety creeping up about this, all sorts of negative thoughts have been popping into my head trying to stop me from doing it
So far I've been focusing on trying to drown out this negative voice in my head by focusing on the voice I heard the other night, telling me that going through with it will be so worth it, just like it was worth it the other night, and that it's stupid to not do it to try to avoid the anxious feelings because I'm already feeling them and I'll feel wayy better if I just do it
Do you guys have any other tips for dealing with this? I fully intend on asking her tomorrow but it would be nice if I could shut up the negativity leaking into my thoughts
If you don't do it everyone here will be mad at you
No but really, if you guys go on the date, she could be just as anxious as you. I've gone out with my girlfriend a couple times and just made out with her till 5am last Saturday and she still admitted she was super nervous on a date on Sunday. I don't know anything about this girl you want to ask but whenever I think about the above it makes me feel way less nervous about our relationship.
[QUOTE=Disseminate;44863491]If you don't do it everyone here will be mad at you
No but really, if you guys go on the date, she could be just as anxious as you. I've gone out with my girlfriend a couple times and just made out with her till 5am last Saturday and she still admitted she was super nervous on a date on Sunday. I don't know anything about this girl you want to ask but whenever I think about the above it makes me feel way less nervous about our relationship.[/QUOTE]
That's good to know, but I don't really have any worries about the date itself if she accepts
I think this is more of an internal conflict with my social anxiety giving me intrusive thoughts that completely contradict things that I know for sure are true and can be super discouraging
But like, she was smiling like crazy before, during, and after we danced, there was the extra hug, and she pulled in reaaally close during the dance, so I've got no doubt that she was happy I asked then
So I just need to trust in that to help me ignore everything making me doubt myself, and keep in mind that nothing bad will happen if she says no besides being a little disappointed
[QUOTE=ZenX2;44863777]I think this is more of an internal conflict with my social anxiety giving me intrusive thoughts that completely contradict things that I know for sure are true and can be super discouraging[/QUOTE]
Trust me, thinking about it too much isn't good for you. Hell, it could actually ruin it for you.
Last Valentine's Day I tried asking out the girl I was into for a few years, but despite all my rehearsing, the amount of nervousness I felt at the time put me into an odd out-of-body experience when I was actually asking her. Everything was blurry, my heartbeat might as well have been making the ground vibrate, and I felt like I was going to faint. To this day I don't remember what I said or how she responded, but I know she said no. If I hadn't put so much damn anxious thought into it beforehand, I would've delivered my inquiry so much better simply because I would've felt comfortable doing it.
And by the way, I've said this before, but I'm actually going to junior prom with her next Friday, and she's recently seemed a lot more into me than before. I was at Relay for Life (A cancer fundraiser where you walk a lot) and I was watching some teenagers singing random-ass songs. I was on the grass on the side of a group of chairs, and she was sitting in the middle of them. At some point during the performance, she came and sat down on the grass next to me. I know it's hardly anything, but it felt amazing that she'd willingly gotten up from her seat to sit down next to me, and to chat with me. The best part was, after the teenagers were done with their little routine, we still were hanging out and talking to each other. In fact, we stayed together until we both had to leave. I know it sounds silly, but spending that much time with this girl made me feel really good. She could have easily gone and hung out with other people during the event, but she chose to stay with me, and it meant the world to me.
The only regret I have is that near the end of the night she said she had to go home before it got too dark, since it's unsafe for teenage girls to walk home by themselves at night. It wasn't until hours later that I realized she was practically [I]inviting[/I] me to walk her home. That made me feel like an idiot, but I ended up texting her for the rest of the night anyway. Plus there's a field trip to Six Flags on Thursday, and I have good reason to suspect that I may be spending a portion of it with her. If not, on Friday I'm going bowling with her and some other people
Geez, this post is waaaay long. Sorry about that, guys. I jumped topics a lot. This was supposed to be a personal anecdote to serve as advice for ZenX2, but then I ended up making it about myself.
[QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;44853170]Came home from my pseudo date with a girl I've been interested in
come home, get a text
"10/10 would do again"
what is this lovely feeling[/QUOTE]
moving on from this
ran into her again today, saw godzilla shit was great
what's the rules of engagement on like, physical contact? obviously 2 dates isn't really enough time but just how do you gauge when it's right without seeming like you're trying too hard but at the same time trying to show you're interested
Just kiss her right on her motherfuckin mouth yo. Land that shit on there. If she's going out on multiple dates with you, it's probably a fair bet that she's into it. Heck, I usually go for the kiss on the first date, if things feel like they went well.
Things have been going very well. Like I said, after the first date she texted me saying "call me anytime, any day, steal me from my apartment lol" so I feel she's interested but the thing is she's like incredibly nervous and social anxiety out in public so I don't want to cause unwanted stress
[QUOTE=ZenX2;44863777]That's good to know, but I don't really have any worries about the date itself if she accepts
I think this is more of an internal conflict with my social anxiety giving me intrusive thoughts that completely contradict things that I know for sure are true and can be super discouraging[/QUOTE]
Have you been diagnosed with social anxiety? I'm just asking because a couple years ago I used to 100% think I had social anxiety and in the end it was just an excuse I was using for a lack of self esteem.
PS she likes you, reread your second paragraph!
I can't fucking stand public places, just thinking about crowds and lots of people on a tiny place gets me sick.
So tomorrow I'm gonna eat with my girlfriend on this place, looks chill but I think I'll feel stressed as hell because of too much people, any ideas to help it?
[QUOTE=Disseminate;44865129]Have you been diagnosed with social anxiety? I'm just asking because a couple years ago I used to 100% think I had social anxiety and in the end it was just an excuse I was using for a lack of self esteem.
PS she likes you, reread your second paragraph![/QUOTE]
Yeah I have, I used to have low self-esteem but about a year ago I made some huge changes to my lifestyle and image and my self-esteem shot through the roof, but I still have issues. Now I'm prescribed propranolol to help with the physical effects (I used to completely lose my vision, have my heart beat incredibly fast, and was unable to talk when it acted up), but still nothing for the mental side.
Also with her liking me, it's a bit hard to tell because she's really outgoing and friendly. But yeah maybe her always saying hi to me, even when I'm sitting somewhere like 50-100 feet away isn't just because she's friendly...
Ok I'm totally ready for tomorrow now
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;44808104]I've decided to finish out my associates degree here in Saint Louis instead of going right to Florida, which has been a REALLY hard decision, because I hate this city more than genocide. Every time I see the Arch, I'm reminded that it was originally a celebration of LEAVING this god forsaken city, and find myself fantasizing about dumping a canoe in the river and beginning the long trip West, like Lewis and Clark. But I've decided to stay for one more year, because things are going so well with my girlfriend and my job (just got a five hundred dollar per month raise!) that it's worth enduring just a while longer.
All this means that I'm getting my own apartment again instead of living with family like I have been. My girl is moving in with me there. I'm terrifically excited, because I've never gotten far enough in a relationship before to actually consider moving in with my lady, but I'm also pretty nervous! The thought of having her there waiting for me after work every day is lovely, and I'm never bored with her, but I've got all the usual sorts of worries. What if it doesn't work out? What if she can't find a job here, or doesn't know how to be good with her money yet? What if we drive each other insane and both get arrested for attempted murder?
But most of all, more than anything, I'm worried about the Suburban Curse. I'm terrified that I'll just say, "this is alright. I can live with this," and stay here forever. There are so many things that I want to do, and that I've planned for for years, and I'm shitless that I'm actually willing to comprise and postpone them just for the sake of a relationship. I mean, get this: I want to be a sailor, but Em is so scared of drowning that she won't even go in the deep end of the pool without clutching to me like a baby monkey. Now , I'm wondering if maybe I should just go back to my original passion of architectural design, and resign myself to a fate of sailing as a future hobby instead of a lifestyle. That scares me, and even makes me angry at myself, but not as much as I feel like it should. The alternatives, even though they weren't Plan A, still sound pretty damn good, especially with Emaline.
I'm not sure! I've been a storm of emotions these past few months. It's weird how quickly and how solidly we've connected. I guess now we have at least one more year here to plan, but my plans have a funny way of evaporating just before I realize them. God, I hope I don't get stuck in Missouri.[/QUOTE]
What a great choice. Florida sucks. But if you come down I'll buy you a beer.
Nothin sucks like Saint Louis. The only thing that keeps our city from being the absolute most miserable place in the country is the Saint Louis City Museum, which is one of the coolest places I've ever seen. It's a massive multi-story jungle gym / assemblage art exhibit filled with secret rooms, man-made caves, aquariums, gardens, and blah blah blah. I'm blown away by how cool it is every time I go.
So we've got that. But we've also got an economically devastated city, one of the highest violent crime rates in the country, endless miles of ghettos, even more endless miles of cookie cutter suburbs, shite weather, largely "old fashioned" values and politics, and a cultural center small enough that you'd never find it if you didn't know the name of the street it was on (and might want to avoid anyway, because it's nestled securely in the center of a "bad part of town," which you might stumble into if you go a block or two too far.
Florida ain't the most "with it" place in the world, but it at least has pretty beaches, pretty women, and warm weather! That's enough to keep me happy for years and years.
[editline]21st May 2014[/editline]
Course, I'm pretty darn happy anyway, since I've already got a pretty woman. Give it another year, and maybe I'll have the beaches and weather, too!
[QUOTE=Disseminate;44863491]If you don't do it everyone here will be mad at you[/QUOTE]
Ok so I was totally gonna do it but she didn't show up
But actually this is gonna work out better because there's an art show tomorrow that a lot of both of our work is going to be in and I was going to try to help run it, and apparently she's hosting it
So that's a much better opportunity to talk beforehand, get comfortable, maybe flirt a bit
Don't get into serious projects with shy and emotionally unstable high-school girls who aren't sure of themselves (or, seemingly, their sexual preference) and also have crazy long-distance girlfriends who consistently refer to you as "creepy guy" on their blogs and repeatedly refer to cutting off your dick or attacking you with their keys
Uhhh ok good advice
Hi guys, i've been looking for this thread so that i could get some advice on a thing.
Several months back i saw this really beautiful and cute girl taking the same train as me 3 times a week, i started planning on, well, talking to her. (Because she looked like she's in my age.)
However, i have little if any experince with flirting etc. so pretty much all i did was to look at her, she saw me a few times too.
Now, during this Monday she was taking the same train as me home so as we stood there on station i simply told myself to go for it and went over to her.
The following train ride home was the best one i've had yet, we chatted during the entire ride and she seems just so... perfect. We're both at pretty much the same level of maturity, she is infact the same age as me and she even have a similar type of humor!
Now, i talked to her today as well and i managed to get her number but now i'm unsure of what to do.
I really want to like, invite her along for a walk during this or next weekend, maybe enjoy the sun and get some ice-cream etc. without sitting on a train that is gradually becoming more occupied.
Problem is that i have really no idea what to do, all i really need is some tips or something that could help me on the way.
Thanks.
Friend I like asked me to come with her to an event in my college town in a few weeks, quite surprising. I'm the one who usually organises these things.
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