Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT

[haloguy234]

I was requested to provide an update on a post I made over a month ago.

We have grown considerably closer since our drunken antics in Florida. Nothing involving physical contact, but we definitely have a deep emotional connection. I'm currently too beta to try and move things along. I don't think I [I]want[/I] to move things along. My intention was never sexual to begin with. It was (and still is) purely emotional.

At this point in time I believe she knows I at least feel something for her, but she's really stuck in her ways of wanting guys to be the ones to make the first move. She absolutely will not budge on this, no matter what. Even if the most perfect guy in the world came right up to her and did everything right, but he never actually asked her out on a date, she wouldn't even do anything.

Don't get me wrong, she's totally pretty, but I just can't imagine myself having a sexual relationship with her. The most I'd ever want out of telling her how I feel is [I]maybe[/I] some making out and grabbin at a titty, but that's it.

so that's that

[Covalent]

[QUOTE=FlashMarsh;45459626]Are you sure you're ready for a relationship? Stuff like

sort of triggers warnings for me but what do i know[/QUOTE]

Okay well, perhaps it does sound a bit desperate. But you get what I mean? I wouldn't get put into a situation where I'd break up with her. I mean if she cheated on me or, did something off the wall, then obviously I'd end it. I may love the girl, but I don't have love for a girl who does those things.

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;45459709]You can't appreciate how hard it is to love someone who's depressed until you've been on that side of your situation. She didn't just leave because she thought you weren't worth it, but probably because she realized that staying with you wouldn't be healthy for her. It's incredibly painful to have to watch someone you care about suffer and know that you're powerless to helping them.

Promising you aren't going to hurt her again doesn't solve anything. Just because you don't externalize whatever you're going through doesn't mean it isn't still going to be there, and definitely doesn't mean she won't know you're in pain.

[editline]21st July 2014[/editline]

Instead of focusing on her you need to focus on yourself. If you can find ways to control your depression, then it will be easier for someone to be in a relationship with you (not necessarily your ex). See a therapist if you feel like you didn't get enough from your previous experiences with them and start focusing on your personal health. It might not completely go away but you might be able to find ways to deal with it when it gets particularly bad.[/QUOTE]

I know where you're coming from, and to which I have to say is that I have gotten help. I've spoken with multiple people through therapy, and have gotten my mind into a better place. Which of course is somewhat all over the place right now, because of this situation I'm in, but I'm still a relatively happy person for the life I live right now. I don't want to make it sound like she was my whole world, and the only thing that made me happy, but when we were together, it made everything better. She always said that she was happy with me and around me.

The main thing I'm looking for is an answer, if she's moving on from me, or if she does just want space from me?

If so, for how long am I supposed to wait without a word? Can I just assume after 3 weeks of no contact at all, that it's over with? Or should I try to invite her to drinks, or something, see where it goes from there?

[Zinayzen]

Why don't you just focus on yourself for now and once you think you're at a point where you're comfortable enough with yourself that you can be single and be okay (which depressed people generally can't do), get in contact with her again. I'd say for now assume it's over and then some time in the future maybe try to pick it back up.

the thng with dating someone who's depressed is that it's insanely emotionally draining. for a relationship to really work you both need to put roughly the same amount of effort into it. but when one of you is depressed, the other's going to put a lot more emotional effort into the relationship to try and make up for the deficit of the other one. and that's not really fair. (if you're both depressed it sort of works in a weird way but it's not particularly healthy)

at the moment I'd say it's better for both of you to stay apart, at least until you start feeling better. and it probably won't be a quick process, either. but eventually you won't be depressed (or you'll have it under control) at which point i imagine she'd be receptive to trying it again because you'd be able to contribute to the relationship.

or hell, you might realize that the reason you like her so much is because she's the rock that makes your life not that shit and when you broke up you lost that so you didn't really know what to do but now that you do know what to do you realize she wasn't really that great to begin with and turned into kind of a slut and good riddance

[editline]21st July 2014[/editline]

sorry i may have projected a bit there

[OscarLimaEcho]

[QUOTE=Covalent;45459804]Okay well, perhaps it does sound a bit desperate. But you get what I mean? I wouldn't get put into a situation where I'd break up with her. I mean if she cheated on me or, did something off the wall, then obviously I'd end it. I may love the girl, but I don't have love for a girl who does those things.
[/QUOTE]

I'm pretty sure you told yourself that before last time too. Anyone can say "I'll never leave you", and it's absolutely pointless to say it, and it's only sweet when the other person really feels it's plausible.

[QUOTE=Covalent;45459804]
I know where you're coming from, and to which I have to say is that I have gotten help. I've spoken with multiple people through therapy, and have gotten my mind into a better place. Which of course is somewhat all over the place right now, because of this situation I'm in, but I'm still a relatively happy person for the life I live right now. I don't want to make it sound like she was my whole world, and the only thing that made me happy, but when we were together, it made everything better. She always said that she was happy with me and around me.

The main thing I'm looking for is an answer, if she's moving on from me, or if she does just want space from me?

If so, for how long am I supposed to wait without a word? Can I just assume after 3 weeks of no contact at all, that it's over with? Or should I try to invite her to drinks, or something, see where it goes from there?[/QUOTE]

If you're trying to force an answer, you will almost [I]always[/I] get a rejection, so give up on this insisting and pointless attitude, and work on yourself. Because this isn't showing that you really can do anything for her, it's showing you wont ever let her go(Contrary to popular belief, this is a horrible trait).

[editline]22nd July 2014[/editline]

[QUOTE=Zinayzen;45459885]
sorry i may have projected a bit there[/QUOTE]

Sounds pretty fair, nearly every time someone is depressed about a breakup, they explain how she was the one, how dysfunctional everything is withot her, and then they discuss how to show her that they need her, and usually a lot of implications that she obviously needs them to function.

It's usually [I]not like that[/I]. The girl you met was fun and nice because she could actually handle her own life without a boyfriend.

[Zinayzen]

except in my case we were both messed up and i decided to seek help and get better and she thought she could bone her way to mental stability

[editline]21st July 2014[/editline]

one of us was right

[editline]21st July 2014[/editline]

it's not her

[editline]21st July 2014[/editline]

it's me

[Covalent]

[QUOTE=Zinayzen;45459885]Why don't you just focus on yourself for now and once you think you're at a point where you're comfortable enough with yourself that you can be single and be okay (which depressed people generally can't do), get in contact with her again. I'd say for now assume it's over and then some time in the future maybe try to pick it back up.

the thng with dating someone who's depressed is that it's insanely emotionally draining. for a relationship to really work you both need to put roughly the same amount of effort into it. but when one of you is depressed, the other's going to put a lot more emotional effort into the relationship to try and make up for the deficit of the other one. and that's not really fair. (if you're both depressed it sort of works in a weird way but it's not particularly healthy)

at the moment I'd say it's better for both of you to stay apart, at least until you start feeling better. and it probably won't be a quick process, either. but eventually you won't be depressed (or you'll have it under control) at which point i imagine she'd be receptive to trying it again because you'd be able to contribute to the relationship.

or hell, you might realize that the reason you like her so much is because she's the rock that makes your life not that shit and when you broke up you lost that so you didn't really know what to do but now that you do know what to do you realize she wasn't really that great to begin with and turned into kind of a slut and good riddance

[editline]21st July 2014[/editline]

sorry i may have projected a bit there[/QUOTE]

Right well, I am okay with being single. I can do everything that I used to do without her(Which isn't much, I don't have friends and I don't go out much, apart from doing a bit of exercise).

I'm not in a depressive state like I used to be, which was horrible. I used to think about suicide constantly. I've only become a little bit upset, is because of what happened, and the breakup. Which I think is fair terms for anyone to be upset at, no?

As for the last bit, she was my rock and made my life a lot more enjoyable. Because we did near everything together, things that I would have never done, and I [B]enjoyed it[/B]. If she is seeing another guy right now, I would have to accept that, I'd just like to be told straight up.

We still have each other on Facebook/Steam.

[QUOTE=Oscar Lima Echo;45459899]I'm pretty sure you told yourself that before last time too. Anyone can say "I'll never leave you", and it's absolutely pointless to say it, and it's only sweet when the other person really feels it's plausible.[/QUOTE]

Yes of course I told myself that, but I didn't foresee myself going into a horrible spiral of depression. I didn't want to take it out on her, and I had no means of doing so, but I wasn't thinking logically, and ended up hurting her.

I hope she feels that it's plausible this time around, because I truly feel a connection that I know I can work with. I've done myself much better, and I haven't felt this good about myself since I was a kid.

[QUOTE=Oscar Lima Echo;45459899]If you're trying to force an answer, you will almost [I]always[/I] get a rejection, so give up on this insisting and pointless attitude, and work on yourself. Because this isn't showing that you really can do anything for her, it's showing you wont ever let her go(Contrary to popular belief, this is a horrible trait).[/QUOTE]

I'm not trying to force an answer, I'm just looking for one from evidence I can gather. You know? Like, why would she reach out to hug me, and start crying? Why would she be happy to see me in person, why would she still be wearing the bracelet I bought her, with the charms I got her for Valentines day and her birthday, if she still didn't have feelings for me?

I'm just trying to figure out what is missing. I've done a lot of things for myself the past little bit, and I will let her go, but in my mind with the things above, and other points that I've made, I'm holding onto a small glimmer of hope that we may get back together. Is that so wrong of me to do?

[PuduEbooks]

[QUOTE=haloguy234;45459749]I was requested to provide an update on a post I made over a month ago.

We have grown considerably closer since our drunken antics in Florida. Nothing involving physical contact, but we definitely have a deep emotional connection. I'm currently too beta to try and move things along. I don't think I [I]want[/I] to move things along. My intention was never sexual to begin with. It was (and still is) purely emotional.

At this point in time I believe she knows I at least feel something for her, but she's really stuck in her ways of wanting guys to be the ones to make the first move. She absolutely will not budge on this, no matter what. Even if the most perfect guy in the world came right up to her and did everything right, but he never actually asked her out on a date, she wouldn't even do anything.

Don't get me wrong, she's totally pretty, but I just can't imagine myself having a sexual relationship with her. The most I'd ever want out of telling her how I feel is [I]maybe[/I] some making out and grabbin at a titty, but that's it.

so that's that[/QUOTE]

Believe it or not, physical contact, be it holding hands or having sex, are a form to express your feelings towards your partner and if everything is done with actual love between you two, sex stops being just sex, it becomes a vehicle for you to express your feelings towards your partner.
If you really believe that something serious can happen between you two, then don't doubt it anymore and move things along, nothing purely sexual will happen if the thing is serious, but remember, take your time and let her take her time with every step you do.
I don't know if I worded it correctly but I hope you get the point.

[OscarLimaEcho]

[QUOTE=Covalent;45460059]Words[/QUOTE]

Trigger warning;
Possibly condescending

JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT.

You explain to us the situation, and we tell you that you should let her be, and that she might not want to be your girlfriend anymore (after all you dumped her, she shouldn't even need to explain herself to you). If you refuse to consider all this, go ask her yourself, but stop insisting everything leads to you two getting together.

You meant a lot to her, you should appreciate that instead of ruining it and taking any other word than "fuck off" as a sign she wants you back.

[haloguy234]

[QUOTE=Cosa8888;45460262]Believe it or not, physical contact, be it holding hands or having sex, are a form to express your feelings towards your partner and if everything is done with actual love between you two, sex stops being just sex, it becomes a vehicle for you to express your feelings towards your partner.
If you really believe that something serious can happen between you two, then don't doubt it anymore and move things along, nothing purely sexual will happen if the thing is serious, but remember, take your time and let her take her time with every step you do.
I don't know if I worded it correctly but I hope you get the point.[/QUOTE]

Well, the big problem here is she's going to be moving out-of-state in less than a month, and that's also a big contributing factor to what's holding me back. I'm already going to have a really hard time when she's gone since I love doing everything with her now, and we aren't really even a thing yet.

Plus I have absolutely no confidence in myself. However, I've definitely warmed up to her. She's honestly one of the only girls I've ever been interested in where it feels totally right and natural to just flirt, and when I do it I have no real motivation to do it other than it just feeling right and normal with no game or angle I'm trying to play.

Even still, it's not enough to push me to ask her out on a date...or even do anything remotely physical like going in for a hug or trying to hold her hand. I just feel really uncomfortable thinking about it. Not the sexual part, the asking her on a date part. It's especially difficult since [I]she is my step-sister.[/I]

I also have huge difficulty thinking of myself having a sexual relationship with quite literally anybody, going back to the whole having no confidence thing.

[Zinayzen]

"we aren't really even a thing yet"

why do you say yet if you're not planning on ever doing anything

[haloguy234]

[QUOTE=Zinayzen;45460358]"we aren't really even a thing yet"

why do you say yet if you're not planning on ever doing anything[/QUOTE]

Because I have no idea what I want.

[Covalent]

[QUOTE=Oscar Lima Echo;45460300]Trigger warning;
Possibly condescending

JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT.

You explain to us the situation, and we tell you that you should let her be, and that she might not want to be your girlfriend anymore (after all you dumped her, she shouldn't even need to explain herself to you). If you refuse to consider all this, go ask her yourself, but stop insisting everything leads to you two getting together.

You meant a lot to her, you should appreciate that instead of ruining it and taking any other word than "fuck off" as a sign she wants you back.[/QUOTE]

I do not mind if you speak your mind, I welcome it. Any advice is good. I've talked with a lot of people, and a lot of them differ.

I would ask her out, but right now I'm going to give her her space that she requested, and respect her. After maybe a couple weeks, and she doesn't talk to me, then I will ask her out. For a drink, or something. If she doesn't, then I know it's probably over.

I will ask her if she does decide to come. I do appreciate everything we had, do not get me wrong. It's why I made her gift into something from the both of us, which was the picture frame. Made from logs of wood, sanded, smoothed, engraved with her name and my own. Something as a memory for what our relationship had.

[Zinayzen]

[QUOTE=haloguy234;45460367]Because I have no idea what I want.[/QUOTE]

you do know you want you're just too "beta" (your words) to do anything about it but regardless you really shouldn't do anything anyway

but if you do want to do it then make your move quickly since you've got a month so it won't lead anywhere. now is the time to nail and bail

[OscarLimaEcho]

[QUOTE=Covalent;45460380]I do not mind if you speak your mind, I welcome it. Any advice is good. I've talked with a lot of people, and a lot of them differ.

I would ask her out, but right now I'm going to give her her space that she requested, and respect her. After maybe a couple weeks, and she doesn't talk to me, then I will ask her out. For a drink, or something. If she doesn't, then I know it's probably over.

I will ask her if she does decide to come. I do appreciate everything we had, do not get me wrong. It's why I made her gift into something from the both of us, which was the picture frame. Made from logs of wood, sanded, smoothed, engraved with her name and my own. Something as a memory for what our relationship had.[/QUOTE]

Take her out for dinner, you're trying to gain her trust, not hook up. Otherwise okay, give her some time.

[haloguy234]

[QUOTE=Zinayzen;45460423]you do know you want you're just too "beta" (your words) to do anything about it but regardless you really shouldn't do anything anyway

but if you do want to do it then make your move quickly since you've got a month so it won't lead anywhere. now is the time to nail and bail[/QUOTE]

No thanks, I'm good.

[Zinayzen]

well if you're not going to do anything about it i don't understand what the problem is, i thought that's why you were complaining

[Covalent]

[QUOTE=Oscar Lima Echo;45460430]Take her out for dinner, you're trying to gain her trust, not hook up. Otherwise okay, give her some time.[/QUOTE]

Dinner, right. Gotcha. Duly noted. Thank you, Oscar and Facepunch.

[Loopoo]

[QUOTE=haloguy234;45460432]No thanks, I'm good.[/QUOTE]

Yo, I used to have that really naive mentality. Looking back, I could have had a tonne more interesting experiences when I was younger, but instead, I had this weird morality psychobabble that you have. I'm now 21, and I look back at the experiences I could have had and I regret it.

If you're with a consenting adult who has given you the signals to go ahead, you're going to regret putting these mental barriers in the way when you look back on this.

Genuinely, if you have the opportunity to be intimate with someone who likes you (and who you like back), you'd be a fool to pass the chance up. It's not like we're living in the Middle Ages. You're both mature enough to enjoy it as an experience (right?) and move on with your lives.

[editline]22nd July 2014[/editline]

What's with all these situations where FPers wanna bang their step-sisters?

[haloguy234]

[QUOTE=loopoo;45460547]Yo, I used to have that really naive mentality. Looking back, I could have had a tonne more interesting experiences when I was younger, but instead, I had this weird morality psychobabble that you have. I'm now 21, and I look back at the experiences I could have had and I regret it.

If you're with a consenting adult who has given you the signals to go ahead, you're going to regret putting these mental barriers in the way when you look back on this.

Genuinely, if you have the opportunity to be intimate with someone who likes you (and who you like back), you'd be a fool to pass the chance up. It's not like we're living in the Middle Ages. You're both mature enough to enjoy it as an experience (right?) and move on with your lives.

[editline]22nd July 2014[/editline]

What's with all these situations where FPers wanna bang their step-sisters?[/QUOTE]

I too am 21 years old and I regret that I never got to do anything with anybody ever while I was growing up. Before y'all go and tell me it was my own fault allow me to clarify that spending 8 years of your life in a hostile environment where everyone seems to hate you is a good way to start hating yourself too.

I know I don't have to worry about that shit anymore and I know I have the freedom to open up to others without persecution, but I can't break the habit.

and I didn't know that was even a thing until recently. Did I start a trend or something?

[Loopoo]

Then pretty much carry on doing what you're doing, enjoy your last remaining month with this girl who makes you happy. Try not to inevitably kick yourself for not enjoying this month in a more intimate way when she's finally gone.

[Zinayzen]

it is important to remember that this girl is his stepsister

[Loopoo]

I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. I can't help but go back to my original thought of her being a school friend.

I take back everything I said. She's your step-sister. It's 1am and I'm tired and I can't believe I forgot this. If you were to try and initiate anything, it'd be weird as fuck imho

[Zinayzen]

there's really no right answer other than "dude i know you're not blood related but everyone would think it's weird so just stop it" but it's funny to watch people try to help

[PuduEbooks]

I forgot it too, but my advice stands for anyone who wants to listen anyways.

[haloguy234]

[QUOTE=Zinayzen;45460646]it is important to remember that this girl is his stepsister[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=loopoo;45460676]I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. I can't help but go back to my original thought of her being a school friend.

I take back everything I said. She's your step-sister. It's 1am and I'm tired and I can't believe I forgot this. If you were to try and initiate anything, it'd be weird as fuck imho[/QUOTE]

Yes, this is exactly what my problem is. If she weren't my step-sister I'd still feel kinda uneasy about all of it but I'd have tried to initiate something a long time ago. I want to clarify that we haven't grown up in the same household since childhood. I really only just got to meet her a few months ago, and we were both adults at the time our parents got married, so technically and legally speaking we don't share the same last name.

It just really, really sucks because she's really, honestly, genuinely not like any other girls I've met. Every girl I've been interested in up to her have all been nothing but bland conversations and smalltalk. With her, we actually [I]talk.[/I] About lots of things. And we have a lot of close, vulnerable moments with each other and I like that I can get close to her and be open with her (mostly), and know I'm in good hands.

Still, some part of me feels like 5, 10 years from now, I'll stop and think "huh, I wonder what would have happened if I actually tried something?" and that just kills me.

Whatever, I'll just keep this whole thing as it is and stop thinking about all of that.

[Zinayzen]

to be fair, though, and i realize this is also conflicting advice, if she's leaving in a month, you might as well just talk to her about it. if she's actually cool she won't say anything about it, and if you're both adults then there's no reason to tell anyone about it.

[editline]22nd July 2014[/editline]

i suggest you make a post on /r/relationships and just get crowdsourced information

[Guy Mannly]

r/relationships would definitely be a better place to pose a question like that, you'll get a much wider range of responses.

It's a pretty odd situation, if you didn't grow up together and she's not your biological sister then you're not related in any sense of the word (usually there are psychological factors that prevent you from becoming attracted to someone you knew from a very young age). There's nothing inherently wrong with it but it definitely isn't something you would want to be public about and you would both have to make sure you're equally okay with it.

[editline]21st July 2014[/editline]

May I ask what your parents' situation is if you've only known her for a few months? Did your parents just recently get together or did you just never meet her because she lives far away?

[Ignatius]

Fuck. I had plans with a girl I've been seeing for a few weeks, and when she texted me telling me she was off work, I was in my basement with no signal. I didn't get it until 2 hours later. She said we can reschedule until tomorrow luckily, but still.

I literally feel so shitty right now.

[Zinayzen]

why did you not post on r/relationships yet i've been waiting

[haloguy234]

[QUOTE=Zinayzen;45461615]why did you not post on r/relationships yet i've been waiting[/QUOTE]
I'm busy hanging out with her. All the time that I spend thinking about what to do or how to feel is time that I'm not spending with her, and I don't have a whole lot of time left to spend with her. I'd rather spend it with her having fun, not overanalyzing little details and stressing out over nothing.

And I am totally satisfied with just that.