Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT
11,088 replies, posted
What kind of job was it?
[QUOTE=Oscar Lima Echo;45505454]What kind of job was it?[/QUOTE]
Pizza delivery, it was a good job for me because it didn't require me to work throughout the day but at night, where it wouldn't really impact too much on my school work
[QUOTE=Radical Rebel;45502651]Going to start highschool exactly one month from now. All I know about high school is from shitty teen movies like "Mean Girls". Rewire my brain with info.[/QUOTE]
I thought high school was going to be just like TV when I first started. Unfortunately, nothing was the same and it was just a stupid freshman year.
I sort of need some advice right now.
About a week after the school year ended, I tried to invite a girl I have a crush on on a date somewhere ( via fb ), but she had other plans for the time I suggested. She then said that it could happen in the near future. Since then, I haven't been able to pretty much find an excuse to talk to her or a way to invite her somewhere. What I'm not sure about is pretty much every aspect. I'm not sure where to invite her to ( I was thinking about movies, but there don't seem to be any good ones coming august ), how to ask her ( as in, how to formulate the question ).
Do you think I have a chance at all? And if so, is there any advice you could give me?
ive been dating my girlfriend since january, and we have become really close and everything's going absolutely great between us
however, this summer has been pretty rough on me, a lot of big changes have happened like my parents splitting up, my sister moving to the west coast, 2 grandparents dying, im on new meds, a couple of other things as well. I'm dealing with things, it's not awful, but my anxiety is definitely worse than normal.
i find myself feeling like I'm not really prepared to be in a relationship right now, I'd rather not have to think about someone else during all of this. BUT, I also find the relationship incredibly comforting, and I couldn't imagine not seeing her. i'm very conflicted.
another problem is that I feel like this relationship won't actually last in the long run. Although we have plenty of fun together, I feel like there are a couple big incompatibilities. For one, I love being active and going outside and trying things and meeting people, and she hates it. She loves staying in and watching Netflix (I can't deny I love doing that too, but I feel better when I do other things). we compromise a lot, but i really feel like i'm looking for someone to share these experiences with. there are other things too but its not important to list them all.
the thing is, she is going away for 6 months or so next january, and I just don't think I want to keep this going long distance. I find myself almost planning to break up with her, thinking about the timing so that it won't affect our classes too much, so it won't affect her trip too much, etc.
But I feel awful that I'm planning this! if I'm planning a break-up, why wouldn't I just break up right now??
but I also definitely don't want to break up right now! so why should I plan a break up later? I probably shouldn't.
I don't know, I guess I'm just trying to think about everything at once. I was talking to my sister who recently broke up with her boyfriend because she felt like they latched onto each other because they were going through rough times, and my sister thought that was an unhealthy relationship. is it unhealthy? because although my relationship didnt start that way, maybe that's why I feel so attached to her now. Or maybe it's just because it's the summer and we live 1.5 hours away from each other when we're not at school, so we see each other about once a week, which is short enough to keep things going strongly, but long enough to build anticipation and make us miss each other.
[QUOTE=Jo The Shmo;45509434]But I feel awful that I'm planning this! if I'm planning a break-up, why wouldn't I just break up right now??
but I also definitely don't want to break up right now! so why should I plan a break up later? I probably shouldn't.[/QUOTE]
Your reasons definitely make sense - other than everything going on in your life right now, it sounds like she's holding you back from doing things you enjoy. Ideally, in a long term relationship you should both feel motivated by the relationship to improve yourselves. Then again, you aren't necessarily that close at this point where self-improvement has become a big part of your relationship, so it might improve.
If you're already thinking about breaking up, she'll probably notice something's wrong. If you're serious about it and not just getting the occasional thought about it, then you should probably get it over with and spare her the pain and confusion of not knowing why you're acting different.
[editline]26th July 2014[/editline]
And if your main reason for wanting to break up is that you want to isolate yourself while dealing with all the other problems going on right now, breaking up will probably make things worse for you in the long run (unless you think a break-up will be less painful in the long run than staying in the relationship would be).
When I was going through the whole "planning a breakup but not wanting to plan it" ordeal, it was pretty horrible. I couldn't sleep most nights due to the stress of it. I felt constrained in my relationship and unfulfilled (you want someone outgoing whereas she likes being quiet indoors, I wanted someone who enjoyed hiking and travelling whereas she wanted to stay at home). I ended up spending 2 months planning the breakup but never having the guts to go through with it until right at the very end.
When I finally did break up, I won't lie and say I felt better. It was a bit of a double-edged sword. I felt better because I felt like I could finally breath again after so long feeling trapped, but on the other hand, I lost someone really close to me. I still couldn't sleep most nights, and a lot of the time I felt quite terrible, but the benefit was I could get out there, meet new people, and not feel bad about any of it. I felt like I'd started a new page in my life and it was a great feeling. Like I'd taken control of my life again instead of just going along with things that I didn't really feel happy with.
I know how awful you feel, especially the bit where you are trying to coincide the breakup with a time when it won't screw both of you up too much. However, at the end of the day, as selfish as it sounds, you're the person that matters most. If you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship, you have to tell yourself it's for the best if you end it on good terms. You'll no doubt meet a better fit in the future, and it'd give you tonnes more happiness being active and adventuring with someone you care about and love, rather than having to go at it solo.
The 6 months being away from each other is something that you seriously have to consider. From what you're typing, it seems as if it's a big issue to you (it would be for me as well). I broke up with my gf back in April despite the fact I knew I'd not meet someone till I started uni in September. I broke up with her because I felt it was unfair of me to stay with her whilst it suited me, only to break up with her when I joined uni to find someone else.
Maybe you should also wait until the side-effects of your meds have stabilised? That could be a big influencing factor. Anxiety sucks, and if the new meds are exacerbating your pre-existing anxiety, these feelings may not be truly how you feel. But if it's been ages and you've been having these same thoughts, I think you should speak to your girlfriend about it.
this is where I'm very conflicted, because once I start seriously thinking about breaking up with her, I realize she will be gone from my life, and I definitely don't want that! Even with certain differences, we are still amazing together, and I think she is an incredible person, and I do see more of her every day, and I have noticed her go through changes, and I think many of them are great!
I think it's because we both really didn't expect this thing to be serious, we were literally just looking for a hookup at first, but it just turned out that we got along extremely well. I can spend days with her nonstop and love every second of it.
but this is the first time I've taken a relationship as seriously as this one, and I guess I just expected to have been with a couple other people before I found someone who I connected with like this. I thought I would have explored a bit more, because frankly, I don't know what it's like to be with an outgoing person, and I would like to experience that just to see.
I guess I'm just getting caught up and trying to plan way too far ahead, maybe I should just take it easy and see where things go this fall?
[editline]26th July 2014[/editline]
the meds are welbutrin and I take it for adhd, although it's also sometimes prescribed as an anti-anxiety medication.
i haven't actually done anything about my anxiety since I was a kid, but I'm planning to start seeing a therapist this fall. that's another reason I don't really want to do anything just yet. maybe I can figure a few things out about myself first (or maybe I should break up so I am figuring myself out by myself??)
Have you two talked about it?
Taking it easy seems like a good option, cause you and her seem like you go great together. And in a relationship, you aren't always going to find a perfect fit, but that doesn't mean you can't live "happily ever after" with them. Speak with your girlfriend and invite her out on one of your cycling treks or something, or even something a lot more amateur friendly, like a small cycle somewhere scenic. Maybe she'd take a liking to it?
It sucks making a decision like this, because once it's made, you can't really take it back. There's never an easy answer to a problem like this. Shit sucks. Whatever happens, all the best, and I hope it's the best option for you.
The therapist is going to be a great help. When I went to see one, they really helped me understand myself and how to deal with the problems I was facing.
yeah I've talked about it a bit, she gets pretty anxious thinking about the future, even when it's things like "ok so 4 more weeks of work, then half a week until i move back into my apt, and then school starts" (etc) so her opinion of this was just that I was thinking too far in advance and that I should just roll with it.
and I do invite her to things. there are certain things that she will say yes to that surprise me, and others that she won't want to do.
don't get me wrong, she isn't a shut in, she actually loves to have adventures, and i like going places with her, but its normally something like taking a bus to ikea, or going to the beach or something. still fun, but not exactly what i enjoy the most
[QUOTE=Jo The Shmo;45509571]this is where I'm very conflicted, because once I start seriously thinking about breaking up with her, I realize she will be gone from my life, and I definitely don't want that! Even with certain differences, we are still amazing together, and I think she is an incredible person, and I do see more of her every day, and I have noticed her go through changes, and I think many of them are great![/QUOTE]
I'm curious, is she more introverted/indoorsy because she's shy/afraid or because she just isn't interested in other activities?
I used to mostly stay home and do things by myself just because I was too self conscious to go out most of the time. Eventually I decided to get a gym membership to start going with my boyfriend three times a week. I probably would have never gotten into fitness if he wasn't there with me.
[editline]26th July 2014[/editline]
Oh, just saw your last post.
Maybe you two could look into trying new activities that interest both of you?
she's very outgoing with strangers (I'm actually quite anxious with strangers so this is when she is more comfortable) but she's introverted in a lot of other situations.
for example, I made an effort right off the bat to get to know all her friends and get involved with her life. but although she has come along and met a bunch of my friends, she rarely talks, and hasn't really connected with any of them.
[QUOTE=Jo The Shmo;45509644]yeah I've talked about it a bit, she gets pretty anxious thinking about the future, even when it's things like "ok so 4 more weeks of work, then half a week until i move back into my apt, and then school starts" (etc) so her opinion of this was just that I was thinking too far in advance and that I should just roll with it.
and I do invite her to things. there are certain things that she will say yes to that surprise me, and others that she won't want to do.
don't get me wrong, she isn't a shut in, she actually loves to have adventures, and i like going places with her, but its normally something like taking a bus to ikea, or going to the beach or something. still fun, but not exactly what i enjoy the most[/QUOTE]
No, I mean talking about that you don't enjoy what you're doing with her because the relationship maybe is restricting you socially, causing you to think about the feeling of liberation a breakup may bring.
when I think about it, maybe I can fill these other parts of my life with other people though.. she doesn't have to have it all. that's a reason not to break up with her.
i'm a very math/computer oriented person, and she has no interest in that. she will somewhat listen if I talk about it, but it's not like we can have actual discussions about it. but that's where my other engineering friends come in, i can just have those conversations with others
its not like she doesn't let me have my free time and I don't let her either, we have other friends and do other things without each other.
but there is that undeniable feeling that I know that I'm able to hang out with her at any of her social gatherings, whereas she typically doesn't come to most of mine. if I'm hanging out with her in a group, its usually a group of her friends. earlier this year, I threw a smallish party and she left pretty much before it started! It's not that I blame her for not coming, she just didn't feel comfortable, but that's just an example of the differences between us
Damn, where's fritzel to give you advice when you need it
btw have you read stardust
[QUOTE=Zinayzen;45511296]Damn, where's fritzel to give you advice when you need it
btw have you read stardust[/QUOTE]
stardust cured my cancer
[QUOTE=Jo The Shmo;45509716]when I think about it, maybe I can fill these other parts of my life with other people though.. she doesn't have to have it all. that's a reason not to break up with her.
i'm a very math/computer oriented person, and she has no interest in that. she will somewhat listen if I talk about it, but it's not like we can have actual discussions about it. but that's where my other engineering friends come in, i can just have those conversations with others[/quote]
My boyfriend and I have very, very different hobbies but it's not a huge issue for us (past my slight grievances that he has no interest in being a guinea pig for my piano lessons and is never going to be able to hear Beethoven or Liszt the same way I do). He's obsessed with cars and I hardly understand a word of it, while I'm obsessed with music which he couldn't care less about, but we realized one night that we're interested in them for the same reasons (lots of alcohol was involved so I can't remember specifics). We share very similar mindsets towards life in general, it just happens to manifest pretty differently for both of us. Even if you don't share the same interests, you can still relate over [i]why[/i] you like those things and maybe find other things that seem like both of you would be appreciative of. Even if you don't end up passionate about each other's hobbies, if you understand why other subjects interests them, you can talk to them about your interests in a way that might be more interesting to them.
From my experience, hobbies are nice to have in common with someone to get to know them initially because they give you something to talk about and do together, but long-term it's more important that you share the same mentality toward life in general. You don't need to enjoy the same activities to enjoy each other's company.
[QUOTE]its not like she doesn't let me have my free time and I don't let her either, we have other friends and do other things without each other.
but there is that undeniable feeling that I know that I'm able to hang out with her at any of her social gatherings, whereas she typically doesn't come to most of mine. if I'm hanging out with her in a group, its usually a group of her friends. earlier this year, I threw a smallish party and she left pretty much before it started! It's not that I blame her for not coming, she just didn't feel comfortable, but that's just an example of the differences between us[/QUOTE]
Maybe you could try meeting new people together somehow? It's possible she just doesn't get along with your friends - it might not have anything to do with your choice in friends, but just specific circumstantial things in the friends you've introduced her to.
[QUOTE=HumbleTH;45509416]I sort of need some advice right now.
About a week after the school year ended, I tried to invite a girl I have a crush on on a date somewhere ( via fb ), but she had other plans for the time I suggested. She then said that it could happen in the near future. Since then, I haven't been able to pretty much find an excuse to talk to her or a way to invite her somewhere. What I'm not sure about is pretty much every aspect. I'm not sure where to invite her to ( I was thinking about movies, but there don't seem to be any good ones coming august ), how to ask her ( as in, how to formulate the question ).
Do you think I have a chance at all? And if so, is there any advice you could give me?[/QUOTE]
Anyone?
I have already started reading Stardust btw. It isn't helping yet.
What I would do is tell her to give me a shout when she's free and up for hanging out, and then wait to see if she replies in the future. If she's genuinely interested in hanging out, she'd go out of her way in the future to message me and let me know she's free. If she's not really bothered, she'll forget and not remind me. Life goes on.
So you could mail her and ask her when going for a coffee / movie would suit her, and then wait for a response?
Just ask her, there's no way of knowing what she'll say, but if you want to go somewhere with her just ask her, nothing will happen if you don't say anything.
[QUOTE=loopoo;45517322]What I would do is tell her to give me a shout when she's free and up for hanging out, and then wait to see if she replies in the future. If she's genuinely interested in hanging out, she'd go out of her way in the future to message me and let me know she's free. If she's not really bothered, she'll forget and not remind me. Life goes on.
So you could mail her and ask her when going for a coffee / movie would suit her, and then wait for a response?[/QUOTE]
don't ask her to give you a shout when she's free
give a specific time and date, then find out if she's free then move around that instead
almost nobody really cares if they're not extremely interested in you or have no previous experiences hanging out and if you have no previous experiences together there's no reason for her to be interested
everybody generally likes someone else to choose something for them, which is why you have to be the one to choose, you can't be wishy washy and be like
"hey lets go out"
"to do what?"
"i dunno what do you want to do and when are you free"
because nobody likes that, you put the pressure on them even though you're the one wanting to go out in the first place
[editline]27th July 2014[/editline]
so pretty much decide and then modify from that point on
[editline]27th July 2014[/editline]
because [i]anything[/i] can be enjoyable with the right person
even if you both hate it
I got into another school!
I think I want to go there too. I just don't know if it's for me quite yet. It would be a little more costly because I have to pay housing if I choose to move away. It's about 45 minutes away from home. So it's not terribly far.
I honestly want to go for social atmosphere. I don't know if it's foolish to ask, but I am looking to meet new people, start some cool projects and generally have the college experience. However, is it worth it? What's the hardest part about dorm life?
I'm applying for a job at my current university as a glorified web development job according to the description. It pays pretty well too.
I'd know if I get the job within the week.
The pros to going:
According to ratemyproffessor/friends/family who all went say the quality of education is better.
Clubs galore. From debate to rowing, I could easily keep myself occupied.
The people who go here are generally wealthier than where I am going now.
The cons:
I would have to adjust to dorm life. Which I don't know if it's a bad thing, and I know I can do, but it's definitely something to consider. I don't want one of those roommates that eats my food or shows up with some drunk chick.
It's more expensive.
What an awesome problem to be having, I don't know which to choose.
As an aside, two months ago, after being dumped, I feel it is necessary to say that I felt like nothing was coming my way. Sure, I admit I am still upset about the situation, I still think of her from time to time, but I have learned so much on my own. I feel like I am on top of my game, being accepted to two schools being able to say no to one and say yes to the other while still maintaining an excellent average in a summer course. Possibly even having a job if I stay here. Not to mention hanging out with my friends.
It was Isaac Newton who said, " If I have seen further than other men it's because I have stood on the shoulders of giants." I deeply appreciate the discussion that goes on in here. It's awesome to see some great advice given out here. [sp]Also hilarious to see bad advice as well, like read Star Dust. [/sp]
Hi, SFSL advice thread.
I acted like a dickhead on my last posts here.
Will you guys accept my sincere apology and take me back?
:v:
snip before i get banned by some tryhard mod
I may not be the nicest and most humble guy around here, but that was really uncalled for.
-snip-
[QUOTE=FlashMarsh;45518811]snip before i get banned by some tryhard mod[/QUOTE]
that shouldn't be the reason you're snipping
it was just rude without any reason to be rude
[editline]28th July 2014[/editline]
[QUOTE=HoliestCow;45520569]So I just secured a date with this chick, who isn't the most attractive. I think I can get past it, and I don't know her super well, so maybe her and I will get along, but im being really shallow at the moment and thinking about what people will think. Am I a bad person? I feel bad about it, she first of all, asked me out, which was new to me, and so we had some small talk and set up a date etc, but now looking back on it, I cant stand her up, id feel too bad. What do you guys think?[/QUOTE]
no you aren't a bad person
everybody has their tastes and it's okay to admit it
[editline]28th July 2014[/editline]
everybody cares about looks
even people who say they don't are just lying to themselves
It worries me how often people start acting condescending or flaming other people in this thread just because they think the regulars are going to agree with them.
[editline]27th July 2014[/editline]
And calling anyone who disagrees with you flaming somebody a "tryhard" isn't a good way to earn anyone's respect.
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.
