Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT
11,088 replies, posted
My girlfriend guilt trips me any time I want to go hang out with friends, and if guilt tripping me doesn't work, then she just gets angry and huffs about it, or starts crying. Thing is, I'm not running out to be with friends very often at all. We moved here about four months ago, and I have only spent one night out alone in that time, for a friend's birthday party. That's not to say that I'm not seeing my friends, it's just that they usually come over here, or my girl comes with me. And that's all fine, I don't mind that terribly. I like spending time with her, and I prefer spending most nights at home, but it isn't fair for her to treat me like a war criminal on the few occasions that I'd like to head out for a few hours.
Tonight I'm going over to my best friend's house to hang out for a bit, just the two of us. We haven't for months, and it's well past time we did, you know? This morning, she did the usual song and dance, and when woefully claiming that I was abandoning her, messing up our dinner plans (we didn't have dinner plans), or otherwise failing in my dutiful responsibilities as a good boyfriend didn't work, she just got angry, yelled that if I really loved her I wouldn't ditch her, and left for work in a big huff without saying bye.
Shortly after, she started sending me texts about how she never goes to see her friends, so it's not fair that I can go see mine. It's true that she doesn't go out and see her friends, but I'm not stopping her. I've tried to encourage her to do that as much as possible, even, but she acts like it just can't happen. She doesn't have time because of work, she says, or she can't afford gas. Yes, her friends live about forty-five minutes from here, so it's not ideal, but she gets off work at 2:00 most days, and I've offered to toss her a few bucks for gas if that's what she needs, yet she stubbornly sidesteps the facts and goes around to accuse me of taking everything for granted.
Even if she couldn't go see her friends, which she could (yet chooses not to), why would that mean that I could no longer see mine? That is some janky reasoning. It's childish and unfair.
I mean, this is a problem, you know? This kind of behavior just isn't kosher. It's manipulative and cruel, and we need to find some kind of solution to this. Comments? Criticisms? Concerns?
Alright, my time to share.
[B]TL;DR:[/B] First date with a girl. Afraid that history will repeat itself and that she will start to ignore me.
Yesterday I went on a first date (At least I think it was a date and not just friendly hangout) with a girl, whom I've been texting and chatting with a lot the last 5'ish months. I have known her since 2005, but we haven't talked much in some years before the five months ago.
Anyway, we met up, hugged and went for a china box - Which was okay. We walked around, chatting and joking for about 2 hours. It was quite nice. When she had to go home, we went to the train, hugged and said goodbye again. We also casually agreed to try it again next week because she would come to my city again.
We have texted a lot about that we should continue this if "All goes well" when we meet up. Therefore I of course roughly asked her this jokingly "So, did it go well, or was it completely horrible? :D" where she replied with "It was completely horrible, haha :p".
That was a nice thing to know, although..
The last time (And literally first time) I had any sort of love relationship with someone, she also agreed that we should do it again, but then nothing really happened. Never really heard from her again, unless I say hi first at least.
And now, I'm scared shitless that the same thing will happen.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;45596847]Literally everyone feels this way about their first relationship. They feel like this is it and they're never going to meet someone better... until they do.[/QUOTE]
I'm quite happy that my first relationship was a total mess with a total fucked up girl, breaking up was so satisfying.
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;45608694]My girlfriend guilt trips me any time I want to go hang out with friends, and if guilt tripping me doesn't work, then she just gets angry and huffs about it, or starts crying. Thing is, I'm not running out to be with friends very often at all. We moved here about four months ago, and I have only spent one night out alone in that time, for a friend's birthday party. That's not to say that I'm not seeing my friends, it's just that they usually come over here, or my girl comes with me. And that's all fine, I don't mind that terribly. I like spending time with her, and I prefer spending most nights at home, but it isn't fair for her to treat me like a war criminal on the few occasions that I'd like to head out for a few hours.
Tonight I'm going over to my best friend's house to hang out for a bit, just the two of us. We haven't for months, and it's well past time we did, you know? This morning, she did the usual song and dance, and when woefully claiming that I was abandoning her, messing up our dinner plans (we didn't have dinner plans), or otherwise failing in my dutiful responsibilities as a good boyfriend didn't work, she just got angry, yelled that if I really loved her I wouldn't ditch her, and left for work in a big huff without saying bye.
Shortly after, she started sending me texts about how she never goes to see her friends, so it's not fair that I can go see mine. It's true that she doesn't go out and see her friends, but I'm not stopping her. I've tried to encourage her to do that as much as possible, even, but she acts like it just can't happen. She doesn't have time because of work, she says, or she can't afford gas. Yes, her friends live about forty-five minutes from here, so it's not ideal, but she gets off work at 2:00 most days, and I've offered to toss her a few bucks for gas if that's what she needs, yet she stubbornly sidesteps the facts and goes around to accuse me of taking everything for granted.
Even if she couldn't go see her friends, which she could (yet chooses not to), why would that mean that I could no longer see mine? That is some janky reasoning. It's childish and unfair.
I mean, this is a problem, you know? This kind of behavior just isn't kosher. It's manipulative and cruel, and we need to find some kind of solution to this. Comments? Criticisms? Concerns?[/QUOTE]
If I didn't know anything about your relationship up to this point I'd just suggest you ditch her, but we already know she is somewhat clingy. It isn't cool what she's doing, and you come across as a very naturally communicative person on here. You need to somehow get the point across to her, or ditch her (although I know that is a distinctly difficult option for you currently).
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;45608694]My girlfriend guilt trips me any time I want to go hang out with friends, and if guilt tripping me doesn't work, then she just gets angry and huffs about it, or starts crying. Thing is, I'm not running out to be with friends very often at all. We moved here about four months ago, and I have only spent one night out alone in that time, for a friend's birthday party. That's not to say that I'm not seeing my friends, it's just that they usually come over here, or my girl comes with me. And that's all fine, I don't mind that terribly. I like spending time with her, and I prefer spending most nights at home, but it isn't fair for her to treat me like a war criminal on the few occasions that I'd like to head out for a few hours.
Tonight I'm going over to my best friend's house to hang out for a bit, just the two of us. We haven't for months, and it's well past time we did, you know? This morning, she did the usual song and dance, and when woefully claiming that I was abandoning her, messing up our dinner plans (we didn't have dinner plans), or otherwise failing in my dutiful responsibilities as a good boyfriend didn't work, she just got angry, yelled that if I really loved her I wouldn't ditch her, and left for work in a big huff without saying bye.
Shortly after, she started sending me texts about how she never goes to see her friends, so it's not fair that I can go see mine. It's true that she doesn't go out and see her friends, but I'm not stopping her. I've tried to encourage her to do that as much as possible, even, but she acts like it just can't happen. She doesn't have time because of work, she says, or she can't afford gas. Yes, her friends live about forty-five minutes from here, so it's not ideal, but she gets off work at 2:00 most days, and I've offered to toss her a few bucks for gas if that's what she needs, yet she stubbornly sidesteps the facts and goes around to accuse me of taking everything for granted.
Even if she couldn't go see her friends, which she could (yet chooses not to), why would that mean that I could no longer see mine? That is some janky reasoning. It's childish and unfair.
I mean, this is a problem, you know? This kind of behavior just isn't kosher. It's manipulative and cruel, and we need to find some kind of solution to this. Comments? Criticisms? Concerns?[/QUOTE]
my brother's gf acts the same exact way
he goes anyways and usually she's really sour for a while and gets over it after like an hour or two
What kind of 12-year-old mentality is that? That's pretty sad to hear, BDA. Your Itty Bitty Girlfriend sounds like she can be quite the handful (especially with the tantrums).
"I don't hang out with my friends out of my own choice, cause I'm an introvert, so like Hell I'm gonna let you go hang out with [I]your[/I] friends. It's unfair, can't you see I'm sacrificing my own freedom to stay near you? You should do the same" uh no thanks, that's some pretty ass-backwards logic.
You're in the right BDA, tell her to stop acting up, you've a way with words, I'm sure you'll get it across to her. But I'm getting echoes of the fiasco you had about convincing her to get a job. Every time you'd bring it up, she'd just get defensive, retreat into herself and not respond. People like that frustrate me to no end. Instead of communicating to resolve the problem, they prefer to ignore it. So best of luck getting her not to kick off into angry tirades against you when you explain to her that she's being silly. You're a pretty level-headed guy, and I'm sure you don't give off vibes that you'd ever cheat on your gf, so it's unfortunate to hear she doesn't want you to go catch up with your old bestfriend and have an awesome evening.
Also, isn't this a big sign of anxiety? Maybe she's worried you'll get a taste for hanging out without her once you experience it a few times. So she could be trying to stop you out of that fear? Like I said, you don't come across as the jerkish type of boyfriend, I'm sure she'll understand that once she sits down and thinks it through.
[QUOTE=Zyx;45609586]Alright, my time to share.
[B]TL;DR:[/B] First date with a girl. Afraid that history will repeat itself and that she will start to ignore me.
Yesterday I went on a first date (At least I think it was a date and not just friendly hangout) with a girl, whom I've been texting and chatting with a lot the last 5'ish months. I have known her since 2005, but we haven't talked much in some years before the five months ago.
Anyway, we met up, hugged and went for a china box - Which was okay. We walked around, chatting and joking for about 2 hours. It was quite nice. When she had to go home, we went to the train, hugged and said goodbye again. We also casually agreed to try it again next week because she would come to my city again.
We have texted a lot about that we should continue this if "All goes well" when we meet up. Therefore I of course roughly asked her this jokingly "So, did it go well, or was it completely horrible? :D" where she replied with "It was completely horrible, haha :p".
That was a nice thing to know, although..
The last time (And literally first time) I had any sort of love relationship with someone, she also agreed that we should do it again, but then nothing really happened. Never really heard from her again, unless I say hi first at least.
And now, I'm scared shitless that the same thing will happen.[/QUOTE]
Same thing happened to me before my current girlfriend. It's an unfortunate part of dating where some people can't seem to muster the courage to say they don't want another date and just leave you hanging like that. And they don't realize how it causes issues like the one you're having and the one that I had as well.
But it'll affect you less with experience. In the future, you'll be able to pick up on those signs quickly and move on until you find the person who actually wants a relationship with you. Because it'll feel completely different.
[QUOTE=metallics;45609855]If I didn't know anything about your relationship up to this point I'd just suggest you ditch her, but we already know she is somewhat clingy. It isn't cool what she's doing, and you come across as a very naturally communicative person on here. You need to somehow get the point across to her, or ditch her (although I know that is a distinctly difficult option for you currently).[/QUOTE]
My relationship definitely has its fair share of tribulations. Em has some pretty deep issues with anxiety and abandonment, and these sorts of outbursts are a common theme. Her first response to anything troubling, confusing, or unfamiliar is usually anger or crying. I mean, anything. She was talking about school the other day, and said that she thinks she'd like to start around Christmastime, because she said it'd be the best time with work (she'd have to quit working for two months for school, but her job already said they'd hire her back the second she was done with her training, because they love her there). I asked her if that was a slow period for dog grooming, where they could afford to lose an employee for a couple of months, and she said, "no, it's like the busiest time of the year." I replied with something like, "really? Why would that be the best time then?" And she snapped, "I don't fucking know, Zach!" and wouldn't talk about it anymore.
It hurts being snapped at like that every time she starts getting nervous about something. I'm trying not to take it personally, but she refuses to get any help as far as talking to anybody about it, never remembers to take her depression or anxiety medicine unless I give it to her directly, and generally seems to pretend like her instability isn't really a problem, or that it will go away on its own.
Her outbursts don't happen quite as often, true, but they still happen, and I'm usually the one caught in the crossfire for it. I want very badly to stay with her, because I care about her a lot and when she is feeling stable she is a wonderful person to be around, but I don't think that I can continue to be her emotional punching bag without eventually reaching my breaking point and saying "enough's enough," at least for as long as she refuses to accept that it's a problem.
I don't want to break up with her. Ignoring the logistical issues, like the fact that we live together and have built a home for ourselves, there's the simple fact that leaving her would destroy her emotionally. I know that sounds egotistical, but I'm the only real stability she's ever had. If I left her, she'd be devastated. I worry that she may even kill herself. She's talked about things like that before. Besides all that, I love her. I don't want to leave her. I just want her to be well and face these problems, to put these demons behind her and realize that life isn't as bad or scary or awful as she keeps telling herself it is, so that we can hold onto the wonderful parts of our relationship and put a rest to the ugly parts.
I don't know, man. More and more often, I find myself getting frustrated these days. I don't know how much longer I can keep being the strong one if she refuses to take some of the weight from my shoulders by at least talking to a professional about this.
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;45610122]My relationship definitely has its fair share of tribulations. Em has some pretty deep issues with anxiety and abandonment, and these sorts of outbursts are a common theme. Her first response to anything troubling, confusing, or unfamiliar is usually anger or crying. I mean, anything. She was talking about school the other day, and said that she thinks she'd like to start around Christmastime, because she said it'd be the best time with work (she'd have to quit working for two months for school, but her job already said they'd hire her back the second she was done with her training, because they love her there). I asked her if that was a slow period for dog grooming, where they could afford to lose an employee for a couple of months, and she said, "no, it's like the busiest time of the year." I replied with something like, "really? Why would that be the best time then?" And she snapped, "I don't fucking know, Zach!" and wouldn't talk about it anymore.
It hurts being snapped at like that every time she starts getting nervous about something. I'm trying not to take it personally, but she refuses to get any help as far as talking to anybody about it, never remembers to take her depression or anxiety medicine unless I give it to her directly, and generally seems to pretend like her instability isn't really a problem, or that it will go away on its own.
Her outbursts don't happen quite as often, true, but they still happen, and I'm usually the one caught in the crossfire for it. I want very badly to stay with her, because I care about her a lot and when she is feeling stable she is a wonderful person to be around, but I don't think that I can continue to be her emotional punching bag without eventually reaching my breaking point and saying "enough's enough," at least for as long as she refuses to accept that it's a problem.
I don't want to break up with her. Ignoring the logistical issues, like the fact that we live together and have built a home for ourselves, there's the simple fact that leaving her would destroy her emotionally. I know that sounds egotistical, but I'm the only real stability she's ever had. If I left her, she'd be devastated. I worry that she may even kill herself. She's talked about things like that before. Besides all that, I love her. I don't want to leave her. I just want her to be well and face these problems, to put these demons behind her and realize that life isn't as bad or scary or awful as she keeps telling herself it is, so that we can hold onto the wonderful parts of our relationship and put a rest to the ugly parts.
I don't know, man. More and more often, I find myself getting frustrated these days. I don't know how much longer I can keep being the strong one if she refuses to take some of the weight from my shoulders by at least talking to a professional about this.[/QUOTE]
This is sad :( there isn't much I can really say, you've covered most of the bases yourself! Good luck though in whatever you choose.
[QUOTE=JohanGS;44827339]I don't know, man, basing your future on some girl you've met that recently just doesn't seem right.[/QUOTE]
brb going to hell
So I made an OKC account yesterday. Chatted with this girl for a bit. Then I saw that she was still in high school, even though she's 18 according to her profile. This probably sounds really creepy, but I found her fb page and saw that she was in fact 17, rather than 18. Like honestly, why would you even lie about your age on a place like that?
[QUOTE=Splash Attack;45611477]So I made an OKC account yesterday. Chatted with this girl for a bit. Then I saw that she was still in high school, even though she's 18 according to her profile. This probably sounds really creepy, but I found her fb page and saw that she was in fact 17, rather than 18. Like honestly, why would you even lie about your age on a place like that?[/QUOTE]
Aren't you not allowed to make an account unless you're 18? Maybe it doesn't come up as an option then to say you're any younger.
I'm not sure why you'd bother making an account in the first place then though if you have to lie about your age.
On a side note, I did find that I got a consistently good match with someone I know in real life. Apparently, she's recently single too. I think I might see if she wants to meet up some time.
[editline]6th August 2014[/editline]
Automergeee
Is it common for 17/18 year olds to use OKC? I thought it was for more the 20+ age range.
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;45610122]I don't know, man. More and more often, I find myself getting frustrated these days. I don't know how much longer I can keep being the strong one if she refuses to take some of the weight from my shoulders by at least talking to a professional about this.[/QUOTE]
That's pretty rough.
I don't have a lot of advice for you but all I can suggest is to sit down and have a serious talk about how you communicate. It's possible she sometimes interprets things you say to be condescending or otherwise rude when you don't mean them that way at all.
It might help in the long run to bring up most of the issues you mentioned here (minus the thoughts about breaking up). Even if she has emotional problems that are influencing her behavior toward you, she needs to learn how to control those impulses better and redirect those emotions to something healthy - not to a person she cares about. It will probably hurt her a lot initially, but ultimately these issues need to be addressed if they're bad enough to consider ending the relationship over.
Just make sure that you don't stay in the relationship because you feel guilty to leave. It's understandable you want to look out for her, but your #1 priority in a relationship should be yourself. A healthy relationship shouldn't prevent you from continuing with your own life.
[QUOTE=Splash Attack;45611477]So I made an OKC account yesterday. Chatted with this girl for a bit. Then I saw that she was still in high school, even though she's 18 according to her profile. This probably sounds really creepy, but I found her fb page and saw that she was in fact 17, rather than 18. Like honestly, why would you even lie about your age on a place like that?[/QUOTE]
Girl I met on pof had the same problem, profile said 18 and she was really 16.
Shit like that you have to bail on. I don't feel like dealing with high school problems for another 2 years. I'm only 19 but still. High school is pretty much a no no for me.
I tried okc as well and its literally all big chicks. The only person who messaged me was a pimp so that site scares the shit out of me now.
I don't really like that attitude of "if something is going badly, just ditch them" No, you have to sit and have a serius and very honest talk with her, you have to say everything you feel and want, your fears, your joys, and ask her to do the same because you (are supposed to) trust each other.
Try that before even considering ditching her, every relationships have their lows and highs, just try to work things out, man. I'm sure there's something very valuable between you two.
[editline]6th August 2014[/editline]
I'm not sure if I worded that right, But I hope you get my point.
That's what BDA said, he's not gonna up and ditch her, he's going to speak to her and try and smooth it out. But when you're dealing with a very emotional person day-in day-out who doesn't seem to want to change their ways, it can put a lot of stress on you to the point where you think "Maybe I'd be better off without all this crap".
[QUOTE=loopoo;45614122]That's what BDA said, he's not gonna up and ditch her, he's going to speak to her and try and smooth it out. But when you're dealing with a very emotional person day-in day-out who doesn't seem to want to change their ways, it can put a lot of stress on you to the point where you think "Maybe I'd be better off without all this crap".[/QUOTE]
I can only imagine that, my girlfriend is a very emotional person too, but she doesn't do any of that because she knows nothing good comes out of it, BDA can only hope she learns that what she does is wrong, and be supportive about it, basically try to fix what's wrong together.
Anyways, it was directed towards the whole thread, because I've seen a lot of advice proposing the "just ditch her" idea.
Well would you look at that, my most important exam that basically everything is hinging on is in 8 hours, and I can't sleep. Annoying, since I managed to sleep somewhat okay for my first two exams which I was safe for. I'd literally take a bolt gun to the head if it meant a few hours of sleep.
[QUOTE=loopoo;45616399]Well would you look at that, my most important exam that basically everything is hinging on is in 8 hours, and I can't sleep. Annoying, since I managed to sleep somewhat okay for my first two exams which I was safe for. I'd literally take a bolt gun to the head if it meant a few hours of sleep.[/QUOTE]
It's okay buddy. This weekend you and me will blat-blat some fools in E:D and your worries will all be over.
[I]ohhhhhhh[/I] you're the stepsister guy! I thought I recognized you.
[QUOTE=Cosa8888;45614217]I can only imagine that, my girlfriend is a very emotional person too, but she doesn't do any of that because she knows nothing good comes out of it, BDA can only hope she learns that what she does is wrong, and be supportive about it, basically try to fix what's wrong together.
Anyways, it was directed towards the whole thread, because I've seen a lot of advice proposing the "just ditch her" idea.[/QUOTE]
Often by the time people get to this thread, the time for salvaging or attempting to fix is way past and they're just clinging on to what they had.
Or they don't explain in enough detail to come to any other conclusion.
BDA being an obvious exception.
I'm typing from my old ass Nokia while I'm waiting for my new phone. So for some reason this Finnish artifact from the stone age doesn't let me quote people's posts.
So I just want to say something to BDA .
I hear you man. Been in that same situation with an ex of mine and it went on and on and escalated to a point, from her part, that all that was left for me was to put the relationship out of its misery.
I think my situation was even worse. It wasn't just going out with friends even though we both lived in the city we grew up in and had common friends. It was the constant needyness and demanding of certain rituals I was expected to do to appease her insecurities and give her the ilusion of comfort by binding me to those small unnecessary things (daily romantic text messaging, facebook posts where I had to imply my love for her like other couples did). Then when I failed with one of these things she would give me a cold treatment, even though every day after an hour long train trip after uni I'd go buy groceries to make something to eat at 6pm while we watched a movie.
Anyway I liked her but there's a point were I just had to draw the line because the whole situation was tiring me down and fading out whatever feelings I had for her.
I sat down, opened up, explained things to her the same way you did with your gf. She kept on with the bitchy act and then I had to break up with her.
I think you should try to find common ground, sit down and explain what your limit is and how her atitude is making you feel. If you want to really fight for it, hell try couple's counceling.
If it doesn't work, all the frustration will build up and take over the relationship. And then theres only one thing you can do.
We had a watershed moment last night, I hope. Three hours after I left for my friend's house, I got a frantic phone call that the gutter on our apartment had broken, and that rain was pouring into our bedroom. I asked her how bad it was, and she screamed, "I don't fucking know! It's bad! I've had to use, like, fifteen towels, and it just keeps coming!"
I had my suspicions, but what else could I do? I apologized to my friend, told him that I had to go take care of this, and called the emergency maintenance number for the apartment guy, dragging him away from his family through a storm because our apartment was apparently flooding. I arrived to a patch of damp carpet, a small puddle on the windowsill, and Em sitting in the living room like everything was hunky dory. There was no flood, just a little bit of water leaking through the seal.
I called the maintenance guy back, told him he could go back home, apologized profusely for wasting his time, and said that it'd be great if he wanted to just swing by during regular maintenance hours instead. Then I went back into the living room, turned off the TV, sat across from Em, and spent the next four hours talking.
It was a rough night, but it was also a good one. She finally came out and said that she was a slave to her anxiety and depression, that she was constantly scared, and always stressed. She told me she was afraid to talk to me about the things that were bothering her, because every time she did I would get upset; I told her that I only get upset because she bottles those stresses up, and doesn't talk to me until all those fears, worries, and bad feelings build up to such a big degree that all she can do is explode, and that when they do I end up being hurt by them too. I said that if she'd talk to me before all the little things had a chance to grow into bigger, nastier things, then we would both feel a lot better.
Most importantly, she finally agreed to come with me to see a therapist. I'm not sure how we're going to pay for it yet, but I think that the only hope we have of starting to address these troubles in a healthy way is down that road, so that's what we'll do.
Thanks for listening to me whine and wail and moan these past couple days/weeks/months. I'm really hoping that this marks a turn for the better.
Why does everyone throw the "I have depression/anxiety/stress/insecurities" get out of jail card?
How old is she? 40? 50?
Whatever her problem is I'm glad you're both taking care of it but my honest advice is draw the line. You shouldn't afford get things to go back to this point.
Then again. I'm just saying you still have to be firm.
My opinion, of course.
But let's see how things go, I believe that's a step forward, just don't let it take a step back.
Es no bueno, I might have fallen for some korean girl I've been doing language exchange with and she seems to have fallen for me too. Please send help.
Is it North or South Korea?
p. sure there aren't a lot of nork exchange students.
[QUOTE=Heigou;45620571]Es no bueno, I might have fallen for some korean girl I've been doing language exchange with and she seems to have fallen for me too. Please send help.[/QUOTE]
When in doubt lift it out
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