Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT
11,088 replies, posted
You guys are all wrong, she's from West Korea.
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;45620520]Why does everyone throw the "I have depression/anxiety/stress/insecurities" get out of jail card?
How old is she? 40? 50?
Whatever her problem is I'm glad you're both taking care of it but my honest advice is draw the line. You shouldn't afford get things to go back to this point.
Then again. I'm just saying you still have to be firm.
My opinion, of course.
But let's see how things go, I believe that's a step forward, just don't let it take a step back.[/QUOTE]
It's not a get out of jail card, they are actual psychological problems that may end up affecting other areas of your life, such as a relationship.
I have aspergers in a quite bigger degree than my girlfriend, and it gives me a lot of trouble at the time of going out on public places since I have a hard time having fun in those situations, so when it ended up limiting our options for going out since I just couldn't enjoy some of them, I decided it was time to get help.
I mean, yes, the fault it's not 100% on the psychological issue, but it really can do some damage to yourself and your partner.
Also:
[QUOTE]It was a rough night, but it was also a good one. She finally came out and said that she was a slave to her anxiety and depression, that she was constantly scared, and always stressed. She told me she was afraid to talk to me about the things that were bothering her, because every time she did I would get upset; I told her that I only get upset because she bottles those stresses up, and doesn't talk to me until all those fears, worries, and bad feelings build up to such a big degree that all she can do is explode, and that when they do I end up being hurt by them too. I said that if she'd talk to me before all the little things had a chance to grow into bigger, nastier things, then we would both feel a lot better.[/QUOTE]
This is golden
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;45620520][B]Why does everyone throw the "I have depression/anxiety/stress/insecurities" get out of jail card?[/B]
How old is she? 40? 50?
Whatever her problem is I'm glad you're both taking care of it but my honest advice is draw the line. You shouldn't afford get things to go back to this point.
Then again. I'm just saying you still have to be firm.
My opinion, of course.
But let's see how things go, I believe that's a step forward, just don't let it take a step back.[/QUOTE]
Excuse me?
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;45620520]Why does everyone throw the "I have depression/anxiety/stress/insecurities" get out of jail card?
How old is she? 40? 50?
Whatever her problem is I'm glad you're both taking care of it but my honest advice is draw the line. You shouldn't afford get things to go back to this point.
Then again. I'm just saying you still have to be firm.
My opinion, of course.
But let's see how things go, I believe that's a step forward, just don't let it take a step back.[/QUOTE]
oh my god
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;45622275]Is it North or South Korea?[/QUOTE]
what are you doing
I have this bestfriend and we've been best friends for 2 years now I think. When we first met we instantly hit it off and began talking every day for the 2012 summer for like atleast a hour. We both made it clear that we would never like eachother and such but we do love eachother I guess as family.
Present day now
Her and I barely talk and when we do I have to constantly fit her schedule rather than her fitting mine. Senior year in high school is coming up and for many reasons (nothing like her bitching at me) I want to tell her that I no longer want to talk to her anymore. Whenever I get ready to text her what I want to say I always get a pressure in my chest like its hard to let go of the good memories so I delay it.
Maybe you guys can give me some advice on what to do and maybe on what to say.
you could always just not text her without making a big deal of it
[QUOTE=gooldude;45626996]I have this bestfriend and we've been best friends for 2 years now I think. When we first met we instantly hit it off and began talking every day for the 2012 summer for like atleast a hour. We both made it clear that we would never like eachother and such but we do love eachother I guess as family.
Present day now
Her and I barely talk and when we do I have to constantly fit her schedule rather than her fitting mine. Senior year in high school is coming up and for many reasons (nothing like her bitching at me) I want to tell her that I no longer want to talk to her anymore. Whenever I get ready to text her what I want to say I always get a pressure in my chest like its hard to let go of the good memories so I delay it.
Maybe you guys can give me some advice on what to do and maybe on what to say.[/QUOTE]
What's the big deal? People do change and so their choice of friends. Just leave it be and don't talk write to her anymore. It sounds like she's not really into you as a friend. There is no need to contact her to say that you both are not friends anymore.
[QUOTE=gooldude;45626996]I have this bestfriend and we've been best friends for 2 years now I think. When we first met we instantly hit it off and began talking every day for the 2012 summer for like atleast a hour. We both made it clear that we would never like eachother and such but we do love eachother I guess as family.
Present day now
Her and I barely talk and when we do I have to constantly fit her schedule rather than her fitting mine. Senior year in high school is coming up and for many reasons (nothing like her bitching at me) I want to tell her that I no longer want to talk to her anymore. Whenever I get ready to text her what I want to say I always get a pressure in my chest like its hard to let go of the good memories so I delay it.
Maybe you guys can give me some advice on what to do and maybe on what to say.[/QUOTE]
That would be incredibly immature, it just sounds like you want her to be "sad" and "realise" that she ruined the friendship, when she probably wouldn't care at this point. It might even be that you became less interesting or more dramatic (judging by this post) so she simply wasn't that keen to rearrange her schedule for you.
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;45618914]We had a watershed moment last night, I hope. Three hours after I left for my friend's house, I got a frantic phone call that the gutter on our apartment had broken, and that rain was pouring into our bedroom. I asked her how bad it was, and she screamed, "I don't fucking know! It's bad! I've had to use, like, fifteen towels, and it just keeps coming!"
I had my suspicions, but what else could I do? I apologized to my friend, told him that I had to go take care of this, and called the emergency maintenance number for the apartment guy, dragging him away from his family through a storm because our apartment was apparently flooding. I arrived to a patch of damp carpet, a small puddle on the windowsill, and Em sitting in the living room like everything was hunky dory. There was no flood, just a little bit of water leaking through the seal.
I called the maintenance guy back, told him he could go back home, apologized profusely for wasting his time, and said that it'd be great if he wanted to just swing by during regular maintenance hours instead. Then I went back into the living room, turned off the TV, sat across from Em, and spent the next four hours talking.
It was a rough night, but it was also a good one. She finally came out and said that she was a slave to her anxiety and depression, that she was constantly scared, and always stressed. She told me she was afraid to talk to me about the things that were bothering her, because every time she did I would get upset; I told her that I only get upset because she bottles those stresses up, and doesn't talk to me until all those fears, worries, and bad feelings build up to such a big degree that all she can do is explode, and that when they do I end up being hurt by them too. I said that if she'd talk to me before all the little things had a chance to grow into bigger, nastier things, then we would both feel a lot better.
Most importantly, she finally agreed to come with me to see a therapist. I'm not sure how we're going to pay for it yet, but I think that the only hope we have of starting to address these troubles in a healthy way is down that road, so that's what we'll do.
Thanks for listening to me whine and wail and moan these past couple days/weeks/months. I'm really hoping that this marks a turn for the better.[/QUOTE]
I know a lot of people who, in your situation would immediately snap and end it. Glad to hear its all working out hopefully
I'm not discrediting the negative effect nervous and mental disorders have on a relation, I'm just commenting on how, in like, 70% of people's issues here are mentally or nervous related. I mean, sure some people have them.
it's just that it's odd (and I'm generalizing) how when most people here that are having relationships issues, the conversation always ends with the twist "I have issues". And it doesn't end there.
Real issues and atitude problems aren't getting solved because someone keeps pulling rabbits out of the hat while both parts delude themselves while not getting to the bottom of the real issue.
As I said mental issues play their part but most times there are other character related issues beyound that that are still left untouched.
And you'll start to notice that everytime you want to get to the bottom of it, you won't be able to because bam there comes another "it's my condition".
Two of my best friends are in a relationship together and they always had to deal with depression and social anxiety. They take medication.
It doesn't prevent them however to separate character or personality issues from mental issues. They are, despite all they're issues a happy couple, they understand eachother, they cooperate with eachother, they know each other and they love each other.
And that's the deal.
This isn't directed to anyone in particular, of course you should always support your partner even in tough situations, but you can't dedicate your life fixing people that don't have the will power to fix themselves and lift themselves up.
[editline]8th August 2014[/editline]
I'm sorry if I have offended anyone. I'm just trying to give an impartial honest opinion and a warning.
I don't want to be harsh, It's just that I'm used to see these kinds of problems happening again over some time.
I just hope I'm wrong and it isn't anyone's case here.
The thing is that a lot of situations without mental issues behind them are relatively easy to solve. People usually don't post about the times when their gf got kind of pissed, they talked about it and it all worked out.
Except when it doesn't work (which is more often than you may think) out and "mental issue" pops out as an excuse to evade a more serious conversation that could build up in a serious argument.
A thing that, not surprisingly, a lot of people like to evade.
[editline]8th August 2014[/editline]
And yeah, a lot of people here post about when their gfs get "kind of pissed" and make a big issue after that and then, a few posts later "oh we talked, it's fine now, we're better than before!" and then proceed to repeat the process after a while over another "semi pissed gf episode".
Gosh, there are people here that just ask "how to get gurl?"
It's not by chance that the thread title is "just fucking ask her out".
It happens here all the time.
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;45631376]I'm not discrediting the negative effect nervous and mental disorders have on a relation, I'm just commenting on how, in like, 70% of people's issues here are mentally or nervous related. I mean, sure some people have them.[/QUOTE]
How is this surprising? It's common for people to be diagnosed with mental disorders now that it's become socially acceptable instead of being something that will get you thrown in a mental hospital for the rest of your life.
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;45631376]It doesn't prevent them however to separate character or personality issues from mental issues. They are, despite all they're issues a happy couple, they understand eachother, they cooperate with eachother, they know each other and they love each other.[/QUOTE]
Uhh yeah, not every relationship is going to be perfect. Some people just don't click well enough to communicate on that level, or they don't know how to improve their communication.
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;45632064]Except when it doesn't work (which is more often than you may think) out and "mental issue" pops out as an excuse to evade a more serious conversation that could build up in a serious argument.
A thing that, not surprisingly, a lot of people like to evade.[/QUOTE]
It's not an excuse, it's a serious problem that makes relationship issues harder to deal with. People avoid discussing it with their partner because most understand that they don't know how to approach a delicate issue like mental health problems.
Like Oscar said, people post here when they have issues they can't solve. Mental health is a difficult problem to deal with which is why it shows up here so often. Unfortunately, none of us are really qualified to answer questions regarding mental health - the best we can do is offer anecdotal advice.
been dating/in love with a girl from a muslim family, for some background i'm sikh
parents been on me about it, everything is butt right now. wish my rents could see past the religious differences/how relatively unimportant our religious backgrounds are to us (she doesn't even practice neither do i really, although i do identify as a sikh)
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;45632064]Except when it doesn't work (which is more often than you may think) out and "mental issue" pops out as an excuse to evade a more serious conversation that could build up in a serious argument.
A thing that, not surprisingly, a lot of people like to evade.
[editline]8th August 2014[/editline]
And yeah, a lot of people here post about when their gfs get "kind of pissed" and make a big issue after that and then, a few posts later "oh we talked, it's fine now, we're better than before!" and then proceed to repeat the process after a while over another "semi pissed gf episode".
Gosh, there are people here that just ask "how to get gurl?"
It's not by chance that the thread title is "just fucking ask her out".
It happens here all the time.[/QUOTE]
If you're so goddamn buttflustered over people asking for relationship advice in a relationship advice threads I seriously propose you get the fuck out. You're literally bitching at the main purpose of this thread, so I really wonder what kind of content you want here.
I've been following this thread for a long time. Requested advice and was given plenty of good advice on my problems, both things I liked and didn't like. I also gave some good (and some bad) advice in return that was apreciated by some people here.
However I never invited someone to "piss off".
So no, I'm not "geting the fuck out" because you're missing the point and being inconvenient.
What I'm trying to say is that despite the challenges of dealing with the mental disorders mentioned here, I believe that ultimatelly the personality and character of the person (the rational and counscious side) plays the decisive role in relations with other people.
That being said, a person with good character, personality, politeness, education, you name it, with mental disorders will always be easier to deal than a mentaly disordered person without those features.
And although you can't 'work' on the mental area you can work on the personal area that can also have hard to deal issues as I'm assuming the mental issue isn't the whole package.
On a final note, I'm not ranting on people asking for advice. I'm just commentinh on how certain cases here are very similar to one another.
Once again , a mere comment. A mere opinion and it's worth what it's worth.
[editline]9th August 2014[/editline]
Sorry for grammar mistakes and missing letters and words. Fucking phone.
[QUOTE=lum1naire;45633215]been dating/in love with a girl from a muslim family, for some background i'm sikh
parents been on me about it, everything is butt right now. wish my rents could see past the religious differences/how relatively unimportant our religious backgrounds are to us (she doesn't even practice neither do i really, although i do identify as a sikh)[/QUOTE]
Take it from a guy who dated a Muslim girl and was madly in love with her: it isn't worth the heartbreak. Where is your girlfriend from? Mine was from Egypt, and she had a deeply ingrained cultural "moral compass". She'd feel guilty and beat herself up over a hug or a kiss, and as we got more and more intimate, she'd hate herself because on the one hand, she loved me and trusted me, but on the other, she felt like God hated her and that she was lying to her parents. We were constantly torn between natural feelings and wanting to just be a normal couple in love, whilst also having to deal with the fact that she felt awful for having these completely normal feelings.
It put such an awful strain on our relationship. At times, I'd straight out refuse to let her come over, because I couldn't bear seeing her so upset and guilty after. But then... it's the person you love, of course you want to be with them and spend time alone. It fucks with you psychologically.
In the end, it was too much. Having to hide everything from everyone out of her fear of her family finding out (through family friends and whatnot), and the fact I'm a Gulf Arab (Gulf Arabs are frowned upon by the rest of the Middle East for being arrogant pricks). We could rarely go out, just the two of us, on dates. It'd always have to be cloak and dagger.
I mean, I really hope your girl's family isn't zealously religious. But if they are... it's going to be a constant uphill battle, that'll most likely end up in heartbreak. Especially if the family knows you're from a Sikh family (I know this is awful, but it's the way it is). But then again, it entirely depends on where they're from. Some Pakistani / Indian Muslim families are quite relaxed about it all, Gulf Arabs are really uptight, and then Libyan / Syrian / Egyptian Arabs are like the most strict out of the lot of us.
[editline]9th August 2014[/editline]
You can sing till the cows come home about how religion doesn't matter, but parents are usually set in their ways and are very narrow-minded. They won't give a damn about it.
So yeah, that's why I said I really hope her family is lax about it all. Cause then it means you can actually be happy.
[QUOTE=loopoo;45634649]Take it from a guy who dated a Muslim girl and was madly in love with her: it isn't worth the heartbreak. Where is your girlfriend from? Mine was from Egypt, and she had a deeply ingrained cultural "moral compass". She'd feel guilty and beat herself up over a hug or a kiss, and as we got more and more intimate, she'd hate herself because on the one hand, she loved me and trusted me, but on the other, she felt like God hated her and that she was lying to her parents. We were constantly torn between natural feelings and wanting to just be a normal couple in love, whilst also having to deal with the fact that she felt awful for having these completely normal feelings.
It put such an awful strain on our relationship. At times, I'd straight out refuse to let her come over, because I couldn't bear seeing her so upset and guilty after. But then... it's the person you love, of course you want to be with them and spend time alone. It fucks with you psychologically.
In the end, it was too much. Having to hide everything from everyone out of her fear of her family finding out (through family friends and whatnot), and the fact I'm a Gulf Arab (Gulf Arabs are frowned upon by the rest of the Middle East for being arrogant pricks). We could rarely go out, just the two of us, on dates. It'd always have to be cloak and dagger.
I mean, I really hope your girl's family isn't zealously religious. But if they are... it's going to be a constant uphill battle, that'll most likely end up in heartbreak. Especially if the family knows you're from a Sikh family (I know this is awful, but it's the way it is). But then again, it entirely depends on where they're from. Some Pakistani / Indian Muslim families are quite relaxed about it all, Gulf Arabs are really uptight, and then Libyan / Syrian / Egyptian Arabs are like the most strict out of the lot of us.
[editline]9th August 2014[/editline]
You can sing till the cows come home about how religion doesn't matter, but parents are usually set in their ways and are very narrow-minded. They won't give a damn about it.
So yeah, that's why I said I really hope her family is lax about it all. Cause then it means you can actually be happy.[/QUOTE]
she isn't religious at all, she's quite the opposite; her family is fairly liberal for muslims I'd say, but that doesn't mean they would accept me by any means. they're indian muslims so yeah, her mom is kind of cool with us.
it's my family that's giving me a ton of shit, i didn't really keep trying the relationship a secret from them and my father is flipping out, questioning my character and all sorts of things out of the blue now. i just feel like he's going to make my life hell starting now, as i still live under his roof and am in college, not a whole lot i can to do get away from this situation.
my mom's back in canada constantly stressing me out over this relationship, they really just want it to not work at all. it's stressed me to a ridiculous point, i just want everyone to shut up about it and leave us alone it's becoming overwhelming..
and this is all over just a simple (but serious) relationship, not even discussing marriage, sheesh.
[QUOTE=Behemoth_PT;45634603]What I'm trying to say is that despite the challenges of dealing with the mental disorders mentioned here, I believe that ultimatelly the personality and character of the person (the rational and counscious side) plays the decisive role in relations with other people.
That being said, a person with good character, personality, politeness, education, you name it, with mental disorders will always be easier to deal than a mentaly disordered person without those features.
And although you can't 'work' on the mental area you can work on the personal area that can also have hard to deal issues as I'm assuming the mental issue isn't the whole package.[/QUOTE]
You need to understand that mental disorders aren't just some small aspect of your life that you can put in a neat little box and put separate from the rest of your personality. Problems like depression and anxiety consume your life, they warp your perception of your surroundings and your ability to make logical decisions. Someone who's normally very rational and understanding can completely change due to depression; this is something my boyfriend endures regularly and getting through it is very hard on both of us.
With all due respect you're making a lot of brash and ignorant assumptions about what mental disorders are and are not. I can see where you're coming from and agree that some people will be better capable of releasing their emotions in a healthy manner, but it's excessive to assume that this is entirely the fault of how the person manages their problems. If you haven't personally experienced depression and have no formal education in psychology, you have no basis for the generalizations you're making. All you're accomplishing is belittling serious issues and acting like they're something that can be easily overcome, and that attitude is the last thing our society needs more of.
[editline]8th August 2014[/editline]
[QUOTE=Oscar Lima Echo;45633851]If you're so goddamn buttflustered over people asking for relationship advice in a relationship advice threads I seriously propose you get the fuck out. You're literally bitching at the main purpose of this thread, so I really wonder what kind of content you want here.[/QUOTE]
Can we stop telling people to leave the thread? You're not a moderator here, you have no say in who visits here. Aside from that, being rude to someone you disagree with accomplishes nothing. If anything you're making it harder to persuade them to change their views by acting this way.
[QUOTE=lum1naire;45635136]she isn't religious at all, she's quite the opposite; her family is fairly liberal for muslims I'd say, but that doesn't mean they would accept me by any means. they're indian muslims so yeah, her mom is kind of cool with us.
it's my family that's giving me a ton of shit, i didn't really keep trying the relationship a secret from them and my father is flipping out, questioning my character and all sorts of things out of the blue now. i just feel like he's going to make my life hell starting now, as i still live under his roof and am in college, not a whole lot i can to do get away from this situation.
my mom's back in canada constantly stressing me out over this relationship, they really just want it to not work at all. it's stressed me to a ridiculous point, i just want everyone to shut up about it and leave us alone it's becoming overwhelming..
and this is all over just a simple (but serious) relationship, not even discussing marriage, sheesh.[/QUOTE]
Then forget what your parents say. It's kinda good to hear the issues stem from your side. It means you have a chance at being happy. It's awesome to hear her parents aren't too strict.
As for your own parents, just weather it out until they realise you aren't going to budge. Whatever makes you happy, man. If this relationship is what you want, don't let them pressure you out of it. Good luck.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;45635149]Can we stop telling people to leave the thread? You're not a moderator here, you have no say in who visits here. Aside from that, being rude to someone you disagree with accomplishes nothing. If anything you're making it harder to persuade them to change their views by acting this way.[/QUOTE]
Oscar always needs to put himself in this know it all role with that slight condescending attitude.
Fair enough.
You're actually right.
I think I was so into a determinate line of thought here that I picked things up from an angle that , since I couldn't reach my point, started geting lost into unreasonable arguments.
I myself have addiction problems (not drug related but working on them) that despite having affected my social life to an extent, they affected me greatly in my studies at university. And when It gets out of control it's so damn hard to get back on track.
Speaking from personal experience, when I was going through a really bad period in my life I was suffering heavily with anxiety. My "rational and conscious" side was completely domineered by the anxiety. I was not myself.
So yeah, it's not really a safe assumption to make, that someone's rational and conscious part of them is going to overcome the anxiety / mental disorders part. The mental disorder can have a huge impact on who you are, how you interact with people, and your day-to-day face you show the world.
[QUOTE=loopoo;45635181]Then forget what your parents say. It's kinda good to hear the issues stem from your side. It means you have a chance at being happy. It's awesome to hear her parents aren't too strict.
As for your own parents, just weather it out until they realise you aren't going to budge. Whatever makes you happy, man. If this relationship is what you want, don't let them pressure you out of it. Good luck.[/QUOTE]
yeah i'll definitely weather it out because i care about her enough that it's all worth it. just suffering from some serious anxiety for some reason over all the pressure, it's been getting to me so i thought posting would help.
thanks for the encouraging words, i think all will be fine too.
Is it a bad thing to confront a girl about if she's serious or just looking to play around?
Oh boy here we go, this will be a very long read ao brace yourselves. It all started about 4 years ago when I was about 12 and I started talking to this cute looking shy girl. We talked about anything and everything and eventually we "went out". It was for about a month and then it ended.
Fast forward 3 years (January last year) and I'm crazy over this girl. I think about her everyday and it was so bad that it was affecting my performance in school. I'm still not sure if I was actually tired or I was a little depressed, its still a mystery to me. We were still really close.
Turns out she felt the exact same way, she was in love with me but I was too stupid to see it. There were so many opportunities I had when we both looked at each other and got in close and we should of kissed but she was too shy and I thought she didn't feel that way about me.
We told each other we loved each other on a regular basis and I really meant it. We were both in a school production, and during the first night of performing we were really close. We were cuddling and getting close and at one point I kissed her, but she had her mouth open and I sort of kissed her teeth which still makes me piss myself laughing at the spaghetti of a situation that was. Unfortunately she didn't quite realised that I tried to kiss her and it didn't progress. As we both walked out of the school I shook her Dad's hand who said he was proud of me, and she hugged me and told me that she loved me. This gave me confidence to try and ask her out the next day Day two of performing and we were as close as the day before and I can't wait to get her alone and make my move (I didnt want to do it during the performance in case we'd mess up) and then during the end a guy who I was slightly worried about because of how close he was with her ran on stage and hugged her. Me being a stupid idiot took that as a red light and abandoned all hope of asking her out.
Summer happened straight after that and at first it was great. We talked every day and another close encounter happened where we almost kissed but it didn't progress, but then I went full retard. I decided I needed to get over her and I couldn't if I was speaking to her. So I ignored her for two solid months and I was miserable. Then we went back to school and I was still ignoring her as if she'd done something wrong. I was angry that we weren't a couple and I wanted her to know that. Eventually she threatens to never speak to me again if I don't try and sort it out and I crack. She tells me how upset I made her by ignoring her, and how it ruined her summer. I apologise and tell her I love her but she's not having it and I thought I blew it. But about a month after (October) we have a huge arguement and we both admit our feelings for each other. For a month its amazing. We meet up and cuddle and give each other small kisses but I never really went for it cuz I was too scared I'd mess it up. Then we had arguements every day and I was a bit of a dick. I was too possessive and jealous.
Then it just ended. There was no dramatic finish or anything, it just sort of faded away. I was still crazy about her but she didn't quite feel the same way. We drift apart until about May this year, and I take care of her at a party where she was way too drunk, and the day after we start to get close again. She gets a boyfriend and she has a little thing with him but she wasn't happy with it and ended it after about a month. At this point we're really close again and I've learned from my past mistakes of leaving it for too long. We hangout and we have cute conversations of how much we care about each other and then I'm about to advance things but she gets back with her ex, who she said she was with because it's a comfortable situation and she likes having someone. That was about a month ago.
So my attitude was a fighting spirit. I thought if I was there for her long enough she would eventually realise me and her are supposed to be together and dump her boyfriend. She said/says things like "we'll always have something special" which keeps me hopeful that we'll eventually be an item again.
Fast forward to Wednesday this week, I took her to see Annie cuz we both love a good musical. The whole day she was being flirty, she held my hand, she said I looked hot, etc. And during the musical she says "he's only practice for when we get together" which really confused me. Then she kissed me on the cheek and we cuddled while watching it. She looked into my eyes and told me that she's missed me, and I tell her I have too. I go home and feel emotionally drained and start listening to some depressing music.
I love her, I can't deny it. My question is should I keep trying to get her or should I give up and move on? Should I tell her how I feel about her while she's with her boyfriend or wait until they've broken up to tell her? Thanks in advance for reading this.
Sounds like that "relationship" was extremely awkward to be honest. How can you say that you love a person but still don't properly kiss after months? It baffles me quite a bit.
"he's only practice for when we get together" has to be biggest bullshit that I've ever heard, how can you even believe that crap? No offence but seriously just move on and drop that girl. It really sounds just like she's keeping you" warm" or around just to feel treasured and wanted. It's just better to forget about her and not make a big deal out of it if you ask me.
[QUOTE=Big Dumb American;45610122]My relationship definitely has its fair share of tribulations. Em has some pretty deep issues with anxiety and abandonment, and these sorts of outbursts are a common theme. Her first response to anything troubling, confusing, or unfamiliar is usually anger or crying. I mean, anything. She was talking about school the other day, and said that she thinks she'd like to start around Christmastime, because she said it'd be the best time with work (she'd have to quit working for two months for school, but her job already said they'd hire her back the second she was done with her training, because they love her there). I asked her if that was a slow period for dog grooming, where they could afford to lose an employee for a couple of months, and she said, "no, it's like the busiest time of the year." I replied with something like, "really? Why would that be the best time then?" And she snapped, "I don't fucking know, Zach!" and wouldn't talk about it anymore.
It hurts being snapped at like that every time she starts getting nervous about something. I'm trying not to take it personally, but she refuses to get any help as far as talking to anybody about it, never remembers to take her depression or anxiety medicine unless I give it to her directly, and generally seems to pretend like her instability isn't really a problem, or that it will go away on its own.
Her outbursts don't happen quite as often, true, but they still happen, and I'm usually the one caught in the crossfire for it. I want very badly to stay with her, because I care about her a lot and when she is feeling stable she is a wonderful person to be around, but I don't think that I can continue to be her emotional punching bag without eventually reaching my breaking point and saying "enough's enough," at least for as long as she refuses to accept that it's a problem.
I don't want to break up with her. Ignoring the logistical issues, like the fact that we live together and have built a home for ourselves, there's the simple fact that leaving her would destroy her emotionally. I know that sounds egotistical, but I'm the only real stability she's ever had. If I left her, she'd be devastated. I worry that she may even kill herself. She's talked about things like that before. Besides all that, I love her. I don't want to leave her. I just want her to be well and face these problems, to put these demons behind her and realize that life isn't as bad or scary or awful as she keeps telling herself it is, so that we can hold onto the wonderful parts of our relationship and put a rest to the ugly parts.
I don't know, man. More and more often, I find myself getting frustrated these days. I don't know how much longer I can keep being the strong one if she refuses to take some of the weight from my shoulders by at least talking to a professional about this.[/QUOTE]
I haven't noticed till now, but I've gotten so attached to the idea of your relationship with her, your just so cute. I've seen your newer post after this too, glad you have it worked out for now, but I have some things I wanted to throw in here too.
Primarily I want to give you a suggestion. She seems somewhat similar to me (or at least how I used to be, I've been working on my communication issues most of the 3 year relationship I'm in so I like to at least think i've improve over that time)
The bf and I (or more accurately [I]I[/I]) had some communication issues starting out. I've never had anyone I talk to about my problems, and my mode of dealing with things (keep it to myself, bottle it up, ended up with my cutting for a while because that is no good way to deal with anything) and its left me over these years incapable of talking to people about my problems. I went to a therapist for a while, I just got her to talk at me for the sessions because I really just couldn't talk to her.
Although I'm slowly working into being able to have straight face to face conversations with my bf the main thing that has helped us, and I think could definitely help you as well, is to keep a shared "journal" of sorts. You don't have to write in it every day or even have a shared file, but have a mutual situation of writing all your thoughts out, unfiltered, like you would to a private journal, and then sending the file (or giving the book if you have neater writing unlike the two of us) to each other. This allows any issues you have to be vented indirectly and open discussion on them in a less threatening environment. (not that talking to your partner is threatening per se, but I think you get the idea I want from that word)
It helped me a lot in feeling more secure in knowing all the issues he had with me, and it allowed me to type out my own. We used to do these before we lived together, where we would both write them simultaneously and then send them over skype. We could then talk about them or send responses in the file (format changed over time). I still use them now, either I ask him to write one if I'm upset for no reason just to know what he is thinking or I'll write something myself (usually just a huge wall of text in skype now, since we used to use MSN which has a character cap before you had to send) and then he will come talk to me in person.
This too might be a bit easier for her, since i've gotten the impression from your last issue with how she avoided getting a job and you had to keep mentioning it might help her bring up her issues a bit easier, rather than putting it off and doing the same thing until she blows up.
The other main thing I want to tell you is do NOT stay in a relationship because your concerned for your partner. I've been on both sides of this. One with my best friend and one with my bf from high school. it is not good for you, and you can't live your life to try to fix another person, any relationship is a two way street and you HAVE to get back for what you give. It'll be hard if you ever have to but you do have to keep that in mind if it ever really comes to that. It sounds cruel, and of course you will be worried for her, but she will have to learn to deal with it (honestly its an important part of growing up and getting over depression/anxiety to learn to be dependent on yourself and not exclusively on others)
But anyway, I'm glad you have the issue at least on the way to resolution and I hope your relationship keeps going well <3 There's always bound to be some bumps at the start, especially with highschool-college age relationships
[QUOTE=Rhenae;45636396]Although I'm slowly working into being able to have straight face to face conversations with my bf the main thing that has helped us, and I think could definitely help you as well, is to keep a shared "journal" of sorts. You don't have to write in it every day or even have a shared file, but have a mutual situation of writing all your thoughts out, unfiltered, like you would to a private journal, and then sending the file (or giving the book if you have neater writing unlike the two of us) to each other. This allows any issues you have to be vented indirectly and open discussion on them in a less threatening environment. (not that talking to your partner is threatening per se, but I think you get the idea I want from that word)[/QUOTE]
I like this idea, but you might want to be careful with it if you bring it up with your gf (BDA) - it can be hard to read emotions from text and might make it harder to communicate calmly. Writing will certainly help with being honest to each other, but it might do more damage when your main issue is how you communicate those problems.
[QUOTE=Rhenae;45636396]The other main thing I want to tell you is do NOT stay in a relationship because your concerned for your partner. I've been on both sides of this. One with my best friend and one with my bf from high school. it is not good for you, and you can't live your life to try to fix another person, any relationship is a two way street and you HAVE to get back for what you give. It'll be hard if you ever have to but you do have to keep that in mind if it ever really comes to that. It sounds cruel, and of course you will be worried for her, but she will have to learn to deal with it (honestly its an important part of growing up and getting over depression/anxiety to learn to be dependent on yourself and not exclusively on others)[/QUOTE]
Completely agreed with this. It might feel selfish, but you need to put yourself first in any relationship.
[QUOTE=junker154;45636144]Sounds like that "relationship" was extremely awkward to be honest. How can you say that you love a person but still don't properly kiss after months? It baffles me quite a bit.
"he's only practice for when we get together" has to be biggest bullshit that I've ever heard, how can you even believe that crap? No offence but seriously just move on and drop that girl. It really sounds just like she's keeping you" warm" or around just to feel treasured and wanted. It's just better to forget about her and not make a big deal out of it if you ask me.[/QUOTE]
It was less awkward and more unsure of ourselves. And I see where you're coming from, maybe I'm just looking for her affection because she's been keeping me "warm" as you said. And I believed "he's only practice for when we get together" because I feel like she might be dropping hints, as if thats what she wants.
Or I might be overthinking it and she's just confusing me. That is a likely possibility.
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