• Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT
    11,088 replies, posted
ExGF is mad because I broke up with her and said it was because I only think about myself. Went off about how I didn't have a reason to, but clearly do with no intent to argue. GG. [editline]23rd September 2014[/editline] Trying to keep peace of mind. Admittedly, not doing a bad job at it. [editline]23rd September 2014[/editline] Still not a fun place to be
-this post made me seem like a spastic who doesn't know how to socialise.-
-you might be a spastic who doesn't know how to socialize- Don't worry, just expose yourself to more social situations if you can, and try to reflect on what goes wrong. [QUOTE=huntingrifle;46053778] The bad news is that she tells me how she isn't interested in anyone and isn't looking for a relationship, hookup, etc. anytime soon. One of the other guys on campus who likes her made it really obvious how he feels and they had a talk about how she isn't looking to be with anyone. I'm afraid I'll get shot down the same way.[/QUOTE] If she told you this herself, it applies to you, and you will get this response yourself. But if this is something she told another guy, I wouldn't worry about it as "I'm not looking for a relationship" Is the nicest way to say "I'm not really interrested". If your plan is to get drunk and confess something or make your feelings obvious, expect a fail anyhow, unless she has some huge crush on you and was waiting for it, it's something that really removes any excitement away from trying to gain interest. It's like telling my girflriend I want to have sex. That puts it all on the hope she already wants to have sex, and it skips the excitement of trying to get her in the mood. In addition, if she answers no it's going to be annoying to her if I THEN start trying to get her in the mood, whereas she might have had sex if I didn't just [I]ask[/I] instead of putting some effort into it.
but that's the thing, I'm not a spastic. I'm really charismatic. It's just there's so much pleasant chit-chat you can have before it gets stale, so before that happens, I usually tell em to have a great day or something then say goodbye. From tomorrow, I'm just gonna stop worrying about things and be the one to initiate stuff. I'll ask a couple people if they'd be up for hanging out or something.
It's me again, yay. I finally manned up and managed to invite the girl for a coffee, she said she's gonna be busy preparing for a country-wide math contest ( no fucking idea how to translate that correctly ) that happens next week. At this point, I got a "I'm busy" twice, and I have no idea whether I still have a chance or whatever with her. Is it worth it to keep trying or should I just try to get over her? [sp]obsessing about her is [i]absolutely lovely[/i][/sp]
[QUOTE=HumbleTH;46058495]It's me again, yay. I finally manned up and managed to invite the girl for a coffee, she said she's gonna be busy preparing for a country-wide math contest ( no fucking idea how to translate that correctly ) that happens next week. At this point, I got a "I'm busy" twice, and I have no idea whether I still have a chance or whatever with her. Is it worth it to keep trying or should I just try to get over her? [sp]obsessing about her is [i]absolutely lovely[/i][/sp][/QUOTE] If she didnt suggest you guys could do it some time after I'd probably take that as dissinterest
I have been pretty infatuated with a girl I met around a month or two ago, speak to her every day in a nice group call with my friends and we also message privately back and forth and stuff like that a ton. One of my friends however has pretty much been doing the same thing from and earlier stage and from what I understand he's swept her off her feet with the way they talk to each other sometimes, yet she still gets all flirty and shit with me on a regular basis and she is such a nice bloody girl. I'm in such a confusing position where I feel like somehow she's still testing the waters with us but I don't want to say anything to make shit awkward, firstly because I don't want to cause friction between me and my friend and especially since I'll be meeting up with them soon. I hate to feel like I am competing with my friend and that makes me feel so bad, he's winning anyway from what I can see. Ughhh I just hate this situation and wish I could numb my feelings for a time so I can talk to these people without having to have this run through my head. I have fun with them but the second everyone goes and I'm left to my own thoughts, shit just feels bad. Don't really need advice, I just need to get it off my chest I suppose.
[QUOTE=CarKeys;46061043]I have been pretty infatuated with a girl I met around a month or two ago, speak to her every day in a nice group call with my friends and we also message privately back and forth and stuff like that a ton. One of my friends however has pretty much been doing the same thing from and earlier stage and from what I understand he's swept her off her feet with the way they talk to each other sometimes, yet she still gets all flirty and shit with me on a regular basis and she is such a nice bloody girl. I'm in such a confusing position where I feel like somehow she's still testing the waters with us but I don't want to say anything to make shit awkward, firstly because I don't want to cause friction between me and my friend and especially since I'll be meeting up with them soon. I hate to feel like I am competing with my friend and that makes me feel so bad, he's winning anyway from what I can see. Ughhh I just hate this situation and wish I could numb my feelings for a time so I can talk to these people without having to have this run through my head. I have fun with them but the second everyone goes and I'm left to my own thoughts, shit just feels bad. Don't really need advice, I just need to get it off my chest I suppose.[/QUOTE] Go for it, just fucking go for it, your "friend" will get YOUR possible girlfriend if you don't take action. Besides, if the guy who is sucking up to your love interest is truly your friend, he will shake it off. If not, fuck him. [editline]24th September 2014[/editline] Apply pumped up motivational music where needed.
[QUOTE=Hammerz;46066466]Go for it, just fucking go for it, your "friend" will get YOUR possible girlfriend if you don't take action. Besides, if the guy who is sucking up to your love interest is truly your friend, he will shake it off. If not, fuck him. [editline]24th September 2014[/editline] Apply pumped up motivational music where needed.[/QUOTE] Not sure where your getting the "his love interest" thing from. I got the impression he was the second to the party not his friend.
Yay. Exchanged numbers with a bunch of people, spoke with the girl I had the funny conversation with. Asked her what her plans were and she said she was meeting up with the other girls on the course for a girls-only lunch (our cause is a fest of the sausage). Bumped into old friends later on in the day and was catching up, then the earlier girl walked by and I went over and asked her how lunch went. She said it went great, and that the guys tried to organize one too. We ended up hi fiving, just because, and then she introduced me to her friend. I told em to enjoy the rest of their day and went back to chatting with my old friends (one of which was having a hard time making friends so I was telling her not to worry about it and it'd work out in the end). I was gonna hang out with a classmate, but when I asked him what his plans were, he said he was going straight back to his flat to spew his guts out. I felt a bit bad because I was way too cheerful compared to him, but it was pretty funny once I realised he was hungover. Everyone's coming into induction week hungover af, it's hilarious. Oh, and my day was made so much better when I bumped into my mentor and her boyfriend at the bus stop. At first, I didn't want to interrupt her (she's second year and I didn't really know her well), but I noticed she kept looking over, so I waved and she came over. We all took the same bus and had an awesome conversation. She was really chill, and told me induction week is usually a pretty shitty time to actually make friends, since everyone's going crazy with parties and most of the time they're hungover. She said it's just polite chit-chat, but once lectures and seminars actually start, it'll be easy making friends. She said her year is one of the tightest-knit group of friends, and she was sure it'd be the same with my year. She's a year ahead so told me what to expect and stuff. Happy days. [editline]24th September 2014[/editline] I like how it's a lot more common for people to be themselves in uni. Maybe it's too early to really form an opinion on it, but I've noticed a lot of people are less worried about putting on a facade, and are way more relaxed when it comes to just being normal.
[QUOTE=loopoo;46067053] I like how it's a lot more common for people to be themselves in uni. Maybe it's too early to really form an opinion on it, but I've noticed a lot of people are less worried about putting on a facade, and are way more relaxed when it comes to just being normal.[/QUOTE] Definitely noticed this in my friends that went there. Almost makes me want to go just for the experience.
Ugh how do I be less afraid and stressed by social interaction? Like the only people I'm comfortable (and even then I don't invite them to places or hang outside of school since either I feel like my house is a mess or I feel like I will be terribly stressed at a place not school since I feel like I'm not wanted, I will have nothing to talk about and appear awkward, etc) around are the friends I grew up with, because I made friends with them when I was younger and super social without fears. But when I hit puberty my social anxiety and mild depression started, and I've had it ever since. I was given paxil for the depression (and that cleared up) and it helped with my social anxiety (like I remember breaking into a sweat once out of stress before this and it's never happened since). What happens is I'm afraid that every thing I do is wrong and people are judging me for it, and I don't like making new friends because I'm afraid I'm a bother and no one wants me there. I have, as well, a BIG tendency of avoiding eye contact, overthinking social situations WAY too much, being quiet and avoiding talking to new people. I also usually get easily embarrassed by things that aren't even close to embarrassing, such as when I am (or I feel I am, this is almost always the case) the center of attention I instantly break into a red blush and that embarrasses me more (I usually do things like cough to make it look like I'm not blushing). All this makes me make negative associations with people, when really it is all in my head, which makes it worse. I also don't like doing things with people because I imagine the worst things that can happen, and I usually avoid it. Surprisingly I find my self attractive, I know I'm good at things, but social situations make me very anxious. Any ideas?
Well I think my confidence is improving. I went to the library to grab some books to work on a research paper earlier today and there was a totally fucking adorable girl working there so I attempted to flirt with her while I checked my books out. It got awkward pretty fast but at least I tried something out of my comfort zone. Eventually I'll be able to do this without getting awkward I know it.
[QUOTE=Taepodong-2;46069240]Well I think my confidence is improving. I went to the library to grab some books to work on a research paper earlier today and there was a totally fucking adorable girl working there so I attempted to flirt with her while I checked my books out. It got awkward pretty fast but at least I tried something out of my comfort zone. Eventually I'll be able to do this without getting awkward I know it.[/QUOTE] Don't put yourself down too much over it. Conversation is a two-way street - if she was interested in talking to you (and not being interested isn't a bad thing at all, it just means you two might not be that compatible), she would have made the effort to keep the conversation going without it getting "awkward". If she wasn't making an effort in your conversation, at that point it might be a good idea to leave instead of pressing on.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46070227]Don't put yourself down too much over it. Conversation is a two-way street - if she was interested in talking to you (and not being interested isn't a bad thing at all, it just means you two might not be that compatible), she would have made the effort to keep the conversation going without it getting "awkward". If she wasn't making an effort in your conversation, at that point it might be a good idea to leave instead of pressing on.[/QUOTE] I did leave as soon as I realized it was a little awkward, I know better than to try to keep a conversation going when it's not going anywhere. And at least I had a way out rather than going and sitting by a girl in class and then being stuck there when she obviously has no interest in talking to me because it would be more awkward if I moved. But I'm not putting myself down over it. I just proved to myself that yes, I can break out of my comfort zone and attempt to make conversation with or try to flirt with a girl I see who I think is attractive. It would help if there were more girls around here I found attractive so I could get more practice with talking to girls I'm attracted to, but there's only so much you can do.
sooo was at my girlfriends house her mother may have walked in while she had her shirt off I'm not sure what I do in this situation. Walked home, obviously. Didn't protest anything. I feel like absolute shit. her parents really really really liked me, and I feel like I've shat all over their trust.
Another update on my situation: Despite my friends consistently telling to just "make a move" on her, I decided to take it slow and see what happens. My friends have too many opinions and not enough reasoning to know what to do (plus they started switching back and forth between what I should do, which didn't really help). Thank you Oscar Lima Echo for making more sense than my friends did, I ended up just hanging out with her at a party where another guy tried to hook up with her (and they sort of did, they only got to having his arm around her when they were sitting down), but apparently she told one of my friends that she was doing that to "get someone jealous", but she didn't say whom. Wish me luck, fellas.
I feel as if I have something constructive to post. [QUOTE=supersoldier58;46068453]Ugh how do I be less afraid and stressed by social interaction? Like the only people I'm comfortable (and even then I don't invite them to places or hang outside of school since either I feel like my house is a mess or I feel like I will be terribly stressed at a place not school since I feel like I'm not wanted, I will have nothing to talk about and appear awkward, etc) around are the friends I grew up with, because I made friends with them when I was younger and super social without fears. But when I hit puberty my social anxiety and mild depression started, and I've had it ever since. I was given paxil for the depression (and that cleared up) and it helped with my social anxiety (like I remember breaking into a sweat once out of stress before this and it's never happened since). What happens is I'm afraid that every thing I do is wrong and people are judging me for it, and I don't like making new friends because I'm afraid I'm a bother and no one wants me there. I have, as well, a BIG tendency of avoiding eye contact, overthinking social situations WAY too much, being quiet and avoiding talking to new people. I also usually get easily embarrassed by things that aren't even close to embarrassing, such as when I am (or I feel I am, this is almost always the case) the center of attention I instantly break into a red blush and that embarrasses me more (I usually do things like cough to make it look like I'm not blushing). All this makes me make negative associations with people, when really it is all in my head, which makes it worse. I also don't like doing things with people because I imagine the worst things that can happen, and I usually avoid it. Surprisingly I find my self attractive, I know I'm good at things, but social situations make me very anxious. Any ideas?[/QUOTE] Alcohol. Part joke part serious, but I wouldn't recommend being buzzed all the time while talking to someone. :v Anyways, to the main point. Take this with a grain, it's from my personal experience, and I'd probably get a second opinion as well. So I used to be super antisocial and kind of introverted. I never had any active interest in women and never wanted to make any good friends or hang out with anyone outside of my small circle. I totally get what you mean by making friends when you're younger, then having a barrier in front of you now. I'm currently studying at a JC, and I started during my last year of high school, studying with people who were seemingly a lot older than I was. Now, literally my entire class in high school tended to stick together and keep in their small circles of friends, but not many of my friends had come with me to the JC, as they were stuck at high school still. I didn't like the idea of hanging out in a small group of highschoolers either; I saw the opportunity as a way to improve myself and my social skills (as I said, I was pretty antisocial). What you describe, the being quiet and avoiding talking to new people, as well as over-thinking and eye contact (shit, eye contact. That's always something I work on) are some things that described me as well. The only real way I could find to change these things about myself was to throw myself into a social environment that was new and somewhat uncomfortable to me. Someone once told me that if you're afraid of doing something you want to do because it might be awkward, do it to make life interesting; the only outcome is positive. This held true in my case, and I know a literal fuckton of people, made a lot of friends, and have been successful and confident about things as a result (although being in a relationship is a bit of a different story, I'm still finding myself where that is concerned). Let me explain: If you see someone you kind of recognize, and might be interested in meeting or talking to more, but you're afraid of what could happen, do it. The reasoning is because at the very best, they could become your new best friend; what if you forgot some homework or had a question? They'd be there for you. At the very worst, (the worst that I can imagine) they think you're awkward and don't want to talk to you. I really thought about this, it was something I over-thought until I couldn't think it anymore. The secret is that it's all a learning experience, you've learned something from it, so you gained from talking to them in the first place. This might make sense, or you might not like the idea at all, but honestly, it has a lot of truth to it. I've fucked up relationships/friendships with people in the past, and rather than dwell on it (which I have done immensely before) I take it as something I could improve on and move on. It's not really /what/ happens when interacting, in my opinion. It's what you actually learn from it. You'd be helpless if you didn't learn a damn thing from everyone avoiding you. Also, if you can talk to your friends, you can talk to anyone. It's simply a matter of being comfortable with people, which is another thing that I struggled with. I currently work at a restaurant, and I am forced to interact with customers and people I don't know, having basic conversations and whatnot. The only solution here, from my experience, is to keep at it and eventually you'll be comfortable around people you know. As an introvert, I would also state that even though I'm comfortable at parties and whatnot, I tend to be one who sits back, and I'm not in the middle of the crowd. This is part of your personality, and while you can push it to make yourself more adaptable, you should always embrace yourself because it's who you are as a person. This aspect of you doesn't ever need to be changed, only bent out of comfort at times (at least in my opinion). I guess the main thing I'm trying to say here is this: Get the fuck out there, be awkward, make mistakes. Learn from them and you'll figure it out. It's like anything else in the world, it simply takes practice. Good luck to you. I also look forward to hearing what others have to say about this. [editline]24th September 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=huntingrifle;46070456]Another update on my situation: Despite my friends consistently telling to just "make a move" on her, I decided to take it slow and see what happens. My friends have too many opinions and not enough reasoning to know what to do (plus they started switching back and forth between what I should do, which didn't really help). Thank you Oscar Lima Echo for making more sense than my friends did, I ended up just hanging out with her at a party where another guy tried to hook up with her (and they sort of did, they only got to having his arm around her when they were sitting down), but apparently she told one of my friends that she was doing that to "get someone jealous", but she didn't say whom. Wish me luck, fellas.[/QUOTE] I wish you the best! [editline]24th September 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;46070379]sooo was at my girlfriends house her mother may have walked in while she had her shirt off I'm not sure what I do in this situation. Walked home, obviously. Didn't protest anything. I feel like absolute shit. her parents really really really liked me, and I feel like I've shat all over their trust.[/QUOTE] Depending on how long you've known her, it could have been really really bad or just awkward. I'd assume nothing and be direct, but then again, I've never had that issue. That bites, bro. PS: How does that affect their trust though? If it was consensual, then it was her who did it, not you.
Been dating about 6 months now. I'm really uncomfortable about all this. Mainly cuase I've embarassed her something fierce but also landed her in some kinda hotwater It's consensual obviously but still parents don't take kindly to you steppin' on their toes in their roof
I don't have any advice to give, but it would seem obvious that if they were really shaken or annoyed at it, to straight up apologize and whatnot. Like I don't even think you did anything wrong, but more of apologizing because of the awkwardness and what have you. If they still have that 'innocent daughter' mentality, it's a bit harder, but I know some people who're really open about things. I'd gauge that and apologize if necessary, but then again, it's only my opinion if it happened to me. Never had the issue before :/ I could only imagine they'd want someone mature to be with their daughter, so if anything, be as mature about it as possible. I'm sure it's awkward for both parties.
I'm gonna give it some time, I think. Last thing they want is mea round. I just feel so shitty. They liked me. and I just feel i've broken that whole image I don't want them thinkin' I was only after this for sex, I mean, I'm young but I do kinda dig her, you know?
[QUOTE=Dick Slamfist;46070602]I'm gonna give it some time, I think. Last thing they want is mea round. I just feel so shitty. They liked me. and I just feel i've broken that whole image I don't want them thinkin' I was only after this for sex, I mean, I'm young but I do kinda dig her, you know?[/QUOTE] I totally understand. I wish you the best, not the easiest thing to deal with.
Yeah. Me too. Unfortunately all I can do right now is just sort of sit and stew hoping that maybe the brightest situation is in time things might be recovered.
There's chance that I might ask out a girl tomorrow and may or may not get a yes. Does anyone have tips/pointers on how to not be a nervous wreck?
just be as confident as you possibly can, don't second guess yourself at all. Dive feet first into it. Don't beat around it.
[QUOTE=5/3/4/3;46070666]There's chance that I might ask out a girl tomorrow and may or may not get a yes. Does anyone have tips/pointers on how to not be a nervous wreck?[/QUOTE] Remember that it's only as big of a deal as you make it. If you freak out as though you're proposing or something, then it will probably make her uncomfortable. If you just treat it as "I think you're a cool person and would like to get to know you better outside of school/work" (which is what asking someone out is about) then it won't be a big deal for either of you.
So apparently I'm going for coffee with a girl I met on OkCupid on tuesday. Let's see how that goes.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46070739]Remember that it's only as big of a deal as you make it. If you freak out as though you're proposing or something, then it will probably make her uncomfortable. If you just treat it as "I think you're a cool person and would like to get to know you better outside of school/work" (which is what asking someone out is about) then it won't be a big deal for either of you.[/QUOTE] also, if there's the outcome where I end up actually getting rejected, is there anything I could do to cope with it?
[QUOTE=5/3/4/3;46070871]also, if there's the outcome where I end up actually getting rejected, is there anything I could do to cope with it?[/QUOTE] Just try to remember that rejection doesn't have to do with your quality as a person, it has to do with compatibility. If someone rejects you it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you, it just means that the impression they have of you doesn't suit what they're looking for.
[QUOTE=5/3/4/3;46070871]also, if there's the outcome where I end up actually getting rejected, is there anything I could do to cope with it?[/QUOTE] Don't dwell is my advice. Congratulate yourself for being able to commit to something, and look forward to brighter horizons. and or masturbate
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