Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT

[I Am Dumb]

The way I see it is if he doesn't ask her out she won't think that he's interested and end up looking elsewhere. The fear of rejection honestly leads to rejection anyways, he needs to just have confidence in himself. There's nothing wrong with being awkward, all living creatures are awkward in there own way. I would suggest telling him to be flirtatious with a girl he's interested in and seeing how she responds to it, if she flirts back, then ask her out and if not, he won't need to be rejected and can approach other women.

[Guy Mannly]

Either way he needs to take action. Once you've actually asked a few people out, you start realizing it's not that big of a deal, even if you get turned down.

You can't force him to do anything if he doesn't want to, but both of you need to push yourselves out of your comfort zones a bit. Sounds like he needs to be reminded that rejection isn't that big of a deal and this one girl he likes turning him down ([i]if[/i] she does) isn't going to be the end of the world.

[Loopoo]

Aww, just got told I'm the "social hub of friendliness" by a couple of my friends.

[editline]24th October 2014[/editline]

I skipped a health and safety talk (it was an entire day, and I'd been told it was shit, so I just took the day off to revise instead) and my friends said I would have made it 20x more enjoyable (specifically the girl I'm attracted to said that, whoop whoop)

[426_Hemi]

Hi everyone... I'm probably talking shit right know , it's 01:44am here and I'm tired but whatever, let's rant, I have something heavy on the heart that I need to share, sorry by advance if the spelling is terrible;

So basically I have no idea how to judge my current situation and I wanna ask you guys what's your opinion on it, as I have 0 experience on what I'm talking about.

So this is my first year of uni. My class is some kind of selective section about aeronautical engineering that have about 40 studients in it ( divided into 2 classes of 20 ) . That means that if I don't fuck up, I'm going to study with the exact same people for the next 5 years.

Before uni ( so during high school ) I was that kind of akward, timid guy that didn't make effort ( or was too scared ) to try to meet new people and stayed with my good'ol ( and amazing ) male friends. But during the last year something was slowly driving me nuts, the need for a new kind of relationship was growing and kept unsatisfied. It was the desire to have someone to [I]love[/I] ; not in some creepy sexual way, but in the way to have someone that would give you back all the fondness you would give her, that you could share everything with. My friends are amazing, my family is amazing - But there is [I]something else[/I] that I lack of, and that can get depressing.

So this is how my senior year passed, and as I said, I am now in uni. I kept saying myself "not again - it's time to socialize with new people " . So I hang out ( during lunches , between lectures ...) with classmates. It relieved my me a lot, and gave me tons of self confidence and all. So, I became especially <<close>> with a girl ( plot twist; I'm falling in love for her ! what a surprise ! ) . I would talk to her more that I would talk to anyone else . I always make sure to spend all the time I can with her, we work together at the library for hours, I wait for her after the lectures, I walk with her on our way back to one of my bus stations that is close to where she lives, etc ( let's be realistic: this is turning into some insane obsession ) . But being with her just makes me happy and gets me relaxed for the rest of the day ( and I usually am stressed person ).
I think that my stubbornness to spend time with her makes it obvious that I am looking for something more then "just" a "friendly" relationship ( I am attracted by her whole personality, this is not just a physical attraction ) . So far she never rejected me in any way, she seems to appreciate being with me ( for example I guess we won't plan library session together if she had a problem with it ). But there is some kind of weird barrier that she puts, especially when our common new classmate-friends are around. She sound always more open to talk, more friendly, more close, when we are just us 2 together, or texting ( which I admit looks kinda logic ). So I don't really know how to feel about it. As I said she never rejected any of my awkward moves , but at the same time she don't really try to go further. So I don't really know her position on this. And I don't want to ruin our fresh, friendly relationship by doing a stupid move. ( and we normally are going to be in the same class for 5 years ).
Now our 1 week holidays begins, I won't see her before early November.

Any opinions thread ? Thank you for reading, and good night everybody.

[dcalde78]

This week has to be one of the hardest that I've ever had to deal with. I still need to meet with my ex to get a letter signed so that I can send it to the housing association here saying that we aren't joint applicants any more. I tried to get her to meet me after she finished work yesterday but she's dodging meeting me and I guess I can't blame her for that.

I want to talk to her about a couple of things as well, but nothing big and dramatic.

I've no doubt that I'm probably going to get ill sometime soon. The worry and the stress are going to make sure of that. I've had some of my anxiety symptoms come back, I've had headaches every day, and trouble sleeping. I don't help myself by thinking about her. First thing when I wake up, I hope it's all a dream and last thing at night I lie in bed hoping for the best. Right now the thought of her ever being with anyone else really upsets me but I can't stop her from seeing other people. But what happens happens, and I'll just have to deal with it as best I can.

I just wish that there was some way that I could speed up this whole process so that I don't have to feel so shitty any more.

I've got a gig to play tonight with my band, but I can't say I really want to do it. Thankfully it's a short set. After that, me and the singer are heading to a pub to chill for a few hours so I can drown my sorrows. I never usually go out drinking, even when I play a gig since I'm usually driving. There's a late bus tonight though and we're playing in the early afternoon so there's plenty of time for me to be drunk and sad. Hopefully a few workmates are going to come out too. More of them have been in this situation than I realise, and offer as much help as they can. In the end, it's all just going to come town to time and how quickly I can accept what has happened. I hope I don't send any stupid texts tonight.

[Guy Mannly]

Fuck I need someone to talk to right now.

I went over to my friend's house (the "unsubtle" one i mentioned before) and drank a bit with him and his roommate. they're the two best friends i have right now and i made it clear to them.

his roommate went to sleep at some point and then we went into his room and he tried to take advantage of me sexually. by "tried to" i mean stopped short of penetration because i kept repeating "stop" and "i don't want this".

i feel so fucking powerless right now. it's kind of ironic. done all this weightlifting in the past few months, actually got to the point where i feel strong, and i get fucked over the one time i'm powerless to defend myself. just said a ton of BS to keep him happy until i was sober enough to leave because i was scared as fuck.

still kind of drunk but i just drove home. feel a bit safer here but cried like a bitch on the drive home.

the whole time i was there i was just thinking "tomorrow i'm going to talk to stephen, and i'm going to tell andrey, and i'm going to talk to a counselor at my school, and tonight i should call the police or figure out who to call to get someone to drive me home ASAP" to keep myself calm while it went on...

[editline]25th October 2014[/editline]

I feel so fucking naive. Ever since i broke up with my ex i've convinced myself that he was silly for being so cynical and mistrusting about people and i've put so much faith in the few friends i have. i feel so stupid for trusting this guy.

[AxeI]

[QUOTE=426_Hemi;46323295]Huge wall[/QUOTE]
Kind of off topic but do you study at IPSA by any chance?
Are you sure this is how the school cursus works? That the whole class stays the same for 5 years?
I mean, in regular prépas that's more or less how it works, but it lasts for two years only. Don't you have to do an internship of sorts at the end of your courses?

[killerteacup]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46326815]Fuck I need someone to talk to right now.

I went over to my friend's house (the "unsubtle" one i mentioned before) and drank a bit with him and his roommate. they're the two best friends i have right now and i made it clear to them.

his roommate went to sleep at some point and then we went into his room and he tried to take advantage of me sexually. by "tried to" i mean stopped short of penetration because i kept repeating "stop" and "i don't want this".

i feel so fucking powerless right now. it's kind of ironic. done all this weightlifting in the past few months, actually got to the point where i feel strong, and i get fucked over the one time i'm powerless to defend myself. just said a ton of BS to keep him happy until i was sober enough to leave because i was scared as fuck.

still kind of drunk but i just drove home. feel a bit safer here but cried like a bitch on the drive home.

the whole time i was there i was just thinking "tomorrow i'm going to talk to stephen, and i'm going to tell andrey, and i'm going to talk to a counselor at my school, and tonight i should call the police or figure out who to call to get someone to drive me home ASAP" to keep myself calm while it went on...

[editline]25th October 2014[/editline]

I feel so fucking naive. Ever since i broke up with my ex i've convinced myself that he was silly for being so cynical and mistrusting about people and i've put so much faith in the few friends i have. i feel so stupid for trusting this guy.[/QUOTE]

Ugh, that's fucking disgusting. You have every right to call the police and talk to some people about it. Are you able to talk to his roommate, even?

[Guy Mannly]

[QUOTE=killerteacup;46327236]Ugh, that's fucking disgusting. You have every right to call the police and talk to some people about it. Are you able to talk to his roommate, even?[/QUOTE]

I talked to two of my friends and both of them suggested talking to his roommate, so I'm thinking I'm going to contact him and ask to meet for lunch or something in private from the one that assaulted me. I don't know how he's going to react.

I don't plan to contact the police about it because I honestly believe the guilt of fucking up his life even more would hurt me more than what actually happened. I now know not to trust him or let myself get in that sort of situation again. If I talk to his roommate about what happened, he'll be able to keep an eye on him. That's enough for me. I don't want to deal with the invasiveness of a police investigation.

[editline]25th October 2014[/editline]

Like, the guy's already broke and has 0 support from his family because they have a ton of issues. I think having his friends know what happened (not sure who all I'm going to tell about this but I'm sure questions will be raised when I stop attending D&D) will be punishment enough for doing that.

[editline]25th October 2014[/editline]

I keep having flashbacks to what happened, part of the reason I've been blaring loud music since I got home... and I keep thinking back to this one point where I told him "I don't want this sort of thing to happen when I'm drunk off my ass like this" and he said to me "it wouldn't have happened otherwise". Pisses me off so fucking much. He was planning it.

[426_Hemi]

[QUOTE=_Axel;46327118]Kind of off topic but do you study at IPSA by any chance?
Are you sure this is how the school cursus works? That the whole class stays the same for 5 years?
I mean, in regular prépas that's more or less how it works, but it lasts for two years only. Don't you have to do an internship of sorts at the end of your courses?[/QUOTE]

Hi mate, yes I am sure about how my school work :eng101: and this is not a prépa. It works like a regular uni school, you join on year 1 and quit on year 5 with a master 2 in the pocket . You can Google "CMI IMSAT" if you're curious about it ( only 47 studients were selected for year 1, and you can normally only join that special cursus in year 1 ) .

Sorry for the offtopic.

The thread took a rather depressive turn , this is way beyond social friendly/ love advice. Stay strong everyone . You all worth better than the people causing you so much internal trouble.

[TehMentos]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46327347] [...] he said to me "it wouldn't have happened otherwise".[/QUOTE]
Oh God holy shit what a pathetic thing to say.

Sorry to hear what happened. Hope you'll feel better soon.

[Guy Mannly]

He just texted me asking if I made it home okay. I texted him back "You took advantage of me while I was drunk. Please don't convince yourself that what you did was ethical." and he just responded with ":O whaaaaat"

I want to cry right now. He honestly believes what happened was consensual.

[XUZUL]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46328109]He just texted me asking if I made it home okay. I texted him back "You took advantage of me while I was drunk. Please don't convince yourself that what you did was ethical." and he just responded with ":O whaaaaat"

I want to cry right now. He honestly believes what happened was consensual.[/QUOTE]

Fuck his life up, you have no idea how gratifying it is.
My GF had a moment in her life where this one family friend who must be around 50 put his hands on her, more than once, it was an ongoing thing. When she told everybody she ruined him. She says she's proud of that. You too should tell someone (no cops unless necessary) and turn his friends against him. He's playing dumb right now. Punish him.

[Guy Mannly]

Just got this text from him:

"You've really burned the bridge of a good friend. It pains me you would make such an obligation that's untrue. Saying something like that can completely ruin somebody's life Amanda, it's very hurtful. Are you this determined to hurt Andrey?" (not sure why he mentioned my ex there)

Responded with "fuck you" and am not talking to him for a little while until I can figure out some way to compose myself. This is getting worse and worse.

[XUZUL]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46328188]Just got this text from him:

"You've really burned the bridge of a good friend. It pains me you would make such an obligation that's untrue. Saying something like that can completely ruin somebody's life Amanda, it's very hurtful. Are you this determined to hurt Andrey?" (not sure why he mentioned my ex there)

Responded with "fuck you" and am not talking to him for a little while until I can figure out some way to compose myself. This is getting worse and worse.[/QUOTE]

Nevermind. Tell someone competent to keep them all in check.

[editline]25th October 2014[/editline]

If he admits his crime, just tell someone to watch him. If he keeps playing dumb, go for the police. If he acts innocently he might retry one day. Don't let him.

[BarnacleDrive]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46328109]He just texted me asking if I made it home okay. I texted him back "You took advantage of me while I was drunk. Please don't convince yourself that what you did was ethical." and he just responded with ":O whaaaaat"

I want to cry right now. He honestly believes what happened was consensual.[/QUOTE]

Firstly I am very very sorry you are having to deal with this, I hope you can feel ok again soon.
I just want to say I understand if you don't feel you want the hassle of police investigation, and that the flatmate will be able to keep an eye on things, but I would say to think about (if you aren't already) making it clear to the flatmate that if anything like this ever happens again between this flatmate and another person, it might be worth contacting you and considering pressing charges in order to stop serial abuses.

Of course not wanting to fuck up the guys life is worth consideration, but if as you describe he truly did not understand this was abuse without consent he may well do this again, or have done this before. At the very least he needs to understand the seriousness of what he has done, with or without police involvement.

Again, I'm sorry you have to deal with this pressure, it certainly is not right that it should fall on you.

[Guy Mannly]

Thank you for your response. I need to gauge how his roommate feels about this (I don't know whose side he's going to take) but if he understands I'll definitely let him know to do that. I just don't know how far a police investigation is going to get when there's no longer any physical evidence of assault.

Just got off the phone with my ex and apparently the guy who assaulted me just texted him saying "be careful with her, I think she's just trying to hurt you". I'm not totally sure what he's trying to do but it seems like he's trying to make it look like I was the one who instigated this.

Either way, I know this is going to be messy when it comes to talking to our mutual friends. He's sort of the center of our social circle (everyone is connected through him) so I have no idea what the two other people in that group who I care about as friends are going to think. Might as well start with his roommate.

[editline]25th October 2014[/editline]

Holy fuck I keep getting flashbacks and it's driving me insane. Loud music isn't enough now.

[426_Hemi]

Have you tried sleeping a bit ? It should help you escape from all that for a few hours, and you'll wake up in a way better shape to deal with the current situation.

[Guy Mannly]

Honestly I'm past being tired. I've had nightmares most nights since I moved here and I'm afraid of dealing with the next one.

[XUZUL]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46328315]
Just got off the phone with my ex and apparently the guy who assaulted me just texted him saying "be careful with her, I think she's just trying to hurt you". I'm not totally sure what he's trying to do but it seems like he's trying to make it look like I was the one who instigated this.
[/QUOTE]

The guy's a fucking psycho. He is making excuses up. I'd go big and call the police. He shouldn't get off that easily now.

[Guy Mannly]

I already showered and threw my clothes in the wash. Best I could do to avoid following through with my urge to burn everything I was wearing. There's already nothing left as evidence.

[editline]25th October 2014[/editline]

Honestly I think right now the thing I'm most scared of is him being able to convince me that this was my fault. Going to look into seeing a counselor at my school about this before I lose too much of my conviction.

[Loopoo]

If you don't mind me asking, what exactly happened? Did he basically fill you full of booze and then try and initiate things you clearly told him you weren't okay with? That's absolutely awful.

[Remedial Math]

She probably doesn't want to think about it too much.

[Guy Mannly]

It's okay, I don't mind being asked, though I might keep it brief. I handwrote a page-length explanation of everything I remember happening as soon as I got home so I wouldn't forget in the long run, but I'm not really ready to revisit that paper right now.

We were playing a game on my laptop when his roommate went to sleep, he suggested moving to his room and I had no idea that he had any other plans at this point. He's expressed that he's against premarital sex because he's religious and whatever so I had no idea he would try anything. He had put his head on his shoulder, which I was okay with. Then suddenly he was on top of me and had started taking off both of our clothes, ignoring me nervously telling him to "slow down there". Don't really care to think about the details of this part, already having a hard enough time sleeping today... but I was INCREDIBLY drunk and there wasn't a whole lot I could do aside from sit there and think about how tomorrow I was going to go talk to Andrey about what happened, and talk to Captain America, and go find a counselor at my college. Did say "stop" and "I don't want this" a handful of times but I guess he was listening to his own fucked up code of ethics more than he was listening to me.

I guess he thought that me being okay with his flirting the entire night was permission for him to violate me with his hands. And apparently it's impious to have premarital sex, but taking advantage of a girl who's drunk off her ass is completely fine. His line of logic is completely fucked.

[Remedial Math]

Man, that sucks. Sorry you had to go through that. At least it wasn't as bad as it could have been, I guess. Doesn't make it better, though.

I still think you should go to the police about this. You don't necessarily have any evidence left but if he tries more shit, they'll already have been tipped off about it so if he tries to blame you for it somehow you've vaguely got the upper hand.

Also make a photocopy of what you wrote up and bring it with you. I know you think that the "guilt of ruining his life" is worse than what happened, but if he's trying to stir shit up or turn it on you then he clearly doesn't give a shit about you.

[Guy Mannly]

I'll look into reporting it. I'm just pretty scared of going through that whole process and I feel like it's not going to have any results anyway. All I have is my own word on what happened - that isn't going to be enough to go on to get anything done.

[Remedial Math]

I could have sworn you were British but Facebook is saying you're American, which means you have the American justice system on your side, which means they'll almost always side with you at first. I doubt you can press charges or anything but even if you're using it as a preliminary measure, I think it's the right thing to do. It's not really a scary process and they'll know the right thing to do in this situation, much more than a bunch of idiots on the internet do.

[Guy Mannly]

Thanks, hopefully you're right.

I think I might talk to a counselor first on Monday and see what they have to say about reporting it, maybe they can help me through that process.

[Remedial Math]

Just make sure you hold onto that stuff you wrote down, that'll be helpful

This sucks but you'll be okay, other than that fucker you've got a lot of friends, so turn to them for comfort and stuff and make sure you take action on this when you can. :( Also we're here for you but I don't know what good we'll be.

[Loopoo]

That's fucking disgraceful, I'm sorry to hear that. Jesus Christ, he's a prick. If he thinks he didn't do anything wrong, he's an utter scumbag. It's not your fault! Don't even entertain that thought!