Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT

[Remedial Math]

give me his address i'll go break his kneecaps

[Rhenae]

Holy shit Guy that's some heavy stuff. I can't believe that happened.

It's totally up to you if you go forward with it, and in all likelyness they won't be able to charge him with anything proper, but I think it should be done anyway. I've been reading a book slowly in my spare time for a while now "Why does he do that?" it's about abusive relationships, specifically explaining why partners will abuse each other. This is of course long term abuse rather than a single incident, but this reminds me of it a lot. The consistent theme shown is that the person doing the abuse, doesn't really know they are doing it. They twist words, make it the victims fault, and it's not entirely intentional, they fully believe on their half that they have done nothing wrong(despite doing some really messed up obviously wrong stuff, that when put in a support group the denounce each other for, but feel some validation for their own actions). I think that can likely apply quite heavily to a lot of abusers, in many many situations, not just the long term romantic relationships that book focuses on.

Your friend seems to feel the same, or is playing dumb I suppose. It might be an interesting read for you, when you think you can stomach it. Sometimes I find information is the most helpful thing when I'm upset by something.

Anyway, good luck Guy, hopefully your friends will be supportive and you can move forward from this in good time. I wish I could just go to your apartment and give you hugs or something to make you feel better

[Remedial Math]

alternatively you could share what you wrote with friends. i'm not sure you'd be comfortable with that but if they know exactly what happened it seems unlikely that they'd take his side and not yours

then again i don't really know what i'm talking about so idk

if you're ever in california i will give you hugs and/or personal space, either one

[Guy Mannly]

Thank you guys, I appreciate the support.

I just got off the phone with his close friend. We had a long talk about what happened and he believes me and is willing to support me, and having his support was very important to me so that's one less thing to worry about. I'm about to call his roommate and tell him what happened when my phone finishes charging. Apparently the guy who assaulted me is currently on the day to his close friend's house who I was just talking to and we agreed to not let him know that he had spoken to me about all this already.

[editline]25th October 2014[/editline]

Just talked to his roommate and he was absolutely fucking livid and is there for me 100% on this. Didn't question it at all, apparently he realized he was kind of a scummy person but had never expected he'd do something like this.

Really good to know I have this much support and don't have to worry about him spreading lies about me to the people I care about.

[Vehk]

Just want to add that I agree with everyone else. Sorry that happened, I hope you're alright.

[Kindlinho]

Just gonna add that no one should feel guilty for ruining a piece of shit, who not just denies it, but tries to play it against you. However you do it, you should hunt him down. Chances are he's gonna try it again at someone else, so you'll be doing somebody a favor anyway.

[Guy Mannly]

I think I need to figure out on my own or with the help of a counselor what would be best for me. I highly doubt that pressing charges is going to get anywhere because I have no physical evidence of it, so my decision's going to be based on whatever will help me cope better.

I've already told his roommate and close friend what happened and they're both on my side. Public humiliation is probably going to be enough for me.

I also don't really want to look at it like it's my responsibility to press charges to prevent it from happening. This is about me right now and finding a way to cope, it's not fair to say that being sexually assaulted means I owe something to society now.

[Remedial Math]

I only suggested it because if he tries something again (not necessarily with you but with anyone) they'll already be tipped off that he's tried it before

[killerteacup]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46328188]Just got this text from him:

"You've really burned the bridge of a good friend. It pains me you would make such an obligation that's untrue. Saying something like that can completely ruin somebody's life Amanda, it's very hurtful. Are you this determined to hurt Andrey?" (not sure why he mentioned my ex there)

Responded with "fuck you" and am not talking to him for a little while until I can figure out some way to compose myself. This is getting worse and worse.[/QUOTE]

I'm sure i don't need to convince you not to back down here but i'll say it anyway, just don't back down. This is basically rape culture at its worst and I don't think he would text you in that way if he didn't know that he'd done wrong by you.

Basically if any set of guys get up you because you were 'giving them signs' while drunk and suchlike then I would probably cut them loose immediately, what a fucking terrible thing to have happen

[Remedial Math]

seriously i'll go break his kneecaps if you want

[Guy Mannly]

[QUOTE=Remedial Math;46331362]I only suggested it because if he tries something again (not necessarily with you but with anyone) they'll already be tipped off that he's tried it before[/QUOTE]

Yeah I know, and it makes sense, just right now I'm trying to focus on myself. I'm the one suffering here, I don't want to let other people impact my decisions.

My friend Luke had my favorite advice of everything I've heard so far. He basically told me I need to think through this, think over what happened, and decide what would be the best way for me to cope with it. My decision should be based on what will be best for my happiness and not what I think would make others happy.

[QUOTE=killerteacup;46331381]I'm sure i don't need to convince you not to back down here but i'll say it anyway, just don't back down. This is basically rape culture at its worst and I don't think he would text you in that way if he didn't know that he'd done wrong by you.

Basically if any set of guys get up you because you were 'giving them signs' while drunk and suchlike then I would probably cut them loose immediately, what a fucking terrible thing to have happen[/QUOTE]

Thankfully I have a pretty healthy amount of self-respect in terms of dealing with this, as well as the social support I need to keep it that way (thanks, guys!). I occasionally start blaming myself but plenty of people have been there to remind me not to.

I'm in a pretty good spot with this because our two mutual friends who I spoke to are both on my side and those two are the only people whose opinions I care about. I managed to talk to both of them before he did, so they'll probably have a healthy amount of cynicism talking to him now. I know he's going to try and make shit up to ruin my reputation (he already did when talking to my ex) so I'm sure none of that is going to be taken seriously now that I've talked to them myself.

[Remedial Math]

(please don't actually ask me to break his kneecaps, he'd win)

do whatever you think is best, I think you'll be okay. You're smart and you seem to make mature decisions so I'm sure you'll do what's right

maybe call a friend and have them spend the night so you're not getting weird flashbacks or something at night, that might help

[Guy Mannly]

Heh honestly I don't have anyone I trust and know well enough to want them here right now. I've managed to keep my mind off it for the past couple hours.

Been meaning to type up the notes I had written but I can't bring myself to do it. Can't stand even looking at the stupid paper, much less the idea of having to see a document related to being sexually assaulted every time I go hunting through my documents for something...

[Banandana]

[QUOTE=Remedial Math;46331418]seriously i'll go break his kneecaps if you want[/QUOTE]

There are very few things in life I actually get legitimately fucking mad at but I'd go full mafia on someone for trying to pull that shit. I'd break more than just the kneecaps.

[editline]26th October 2014[/editline]

Using your physical abilities to get what you want from someone (as well as taking advantage of one's metal state) is literally one thousand times worse than stealing. It's fucked up, and people who do it need to be put in their place.

[Guy Mannly]

[del]Well, looks like you guys don't have to worry about breaking his kneecaps... Just saw a text my ex sent me last night saying he got into a fight with him. "Drunk asshole couldn't keep his mouth shut." Waiting til he wakes up to find out details.[/del]

edit: false alarm

[TehMentos]

Hope your ex is okay, and that the asshole got what he deserved.

[killerteacup]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46333617]Well, looks like you guys don't have to worry about breaking his kneecaps... Just saw a text my ex sent me last night saying he got into a fight with him. "Drunk asshole couldn't keep his mouth shut." Waiting til he wakes up to find out details.[/QUOTE]

I like the sound of that

[Guy Mannly]

Honestly it doesn't give me any satisfaction. I appreciate that my friends are looking out for me but it makes me feel less in control of the situation that they've gotten violent with him despite me asking them not to.

[editline]26th October 2014[/editline]

I'm afraid that my friends being violent with him will bite me in the ass. He might end up feeling threatened and it might lead to him blaming me for everything happening, which could lead to me getting hurt again.

[editline]26th October 2014[/editline]

Just heard back from my ex, apparently he had gotten in a fight with some guy he was talking to at a bar or party or something, not the guy who assaulted me. Guy looked me up on Facebook and made a comment that set off my ex.

[Remedial Math]

here's a question. i talked toa girl at a party a few weeks ago and she added me on facebook like the day after but we haven't talked much between then and now

i have no reason to talk to her, really, except she's really cute and that's about it. we probably share common interests but i don't want to stalk her facebook page, i'd rather talk about it

problem is, i have no real ins. i don't know her classes and i don't know what she does in her free time, her facebook is all i have

what do i do help

[Guy Mannly]

[QUOTE=Remedial Math;46340361]problem is, i have no real ins.[/QUOTE]

"Hey, how's it going?"

[QUOTE=Remedial Math;46340361]i don't know her classes and i don't know what she does in her free time, her facebook is all i have

what do i do help[/QUOTE]

"So what classes are you taking?" "What do you do in your free time?"

[5/3/4/3]

[QUOTE=5/3/4/3;46297193]well, my crush turned me down

[sp]for my friend[/sp]

it's all cool though, he's a good friend. There's more girls out there anyway. All of my other friends are acting like it's the worst day of my life despite me feeling indifferent about it. Perhaps the only thing different I feel is a bit less motivated when I get up for school in the morning, but that will change in due time.[/QUOTE]

As a followup to this post, after the series of events that happened 5 days ago, I feel kinda lost. It's hard to move on after I've been crushing on this girl for as long as I have. I have been talking to other girls don't get me wrong, but I don't feel committed on actually going somewhere with any of them because I'm still a bit interested in the original girl that I had a crush on, despite her liking my friend.

Does anyone have words of advice?

[Remedial Math]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46340464]"Hey, how's it going?"

"So what classes are you taking?" "What do you do in your free time?"[/QUOTE]

well when you put it that way it sounds so simple :v:

I just don't like small talk and I'm even worse at it when I do it online than I am in person. blech

[editline]26th October 2014[/editline]

last time i tried that it went like this

"hey, what's up?"

"oh, not much. how about you?"

"same. bored out of my mind, really."

"OH SO TALKING TO ME IS YOUR LAST RESORT?"

granted she was crazy but that may have tainted my point of view regardless

[Splash Attack]

I'm a little late, but I just wanted to show my support for you, Guy. I can't imagine how you must feel right now, and I hope the healing process goes well for you. <3

[editline]26th October 2014[/editline]

[QUOTE=5/3/4/3;46340501]As a followup to this post, after the series of events that happened 5 days ago, I feel kinda lost. It's hard to move on after I've been crushing on this girl for as long as I have. I have been talking to other girls don't get me wrong, but I don't feel committed on actually going somewhere with any of them because I'm still a bit interested in the original girl that I had a crush on, despite her liking my friend.

Does anyone have words of advice?[/QUOTE]

Personally, I would try to distance myself from her as much as you can, or find something to distract you from her. Situations like this are like mild breakups in a way.

[Remedial Math]

[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F07HbfgzpG8#t=48]she has a bf

rip[/url]

[GordonTS]

[QUOTE=5/3/4/3;46340501]As a followup to this post, after the series of events that happened 5 days ago, I feel kinda lost. It's hard to move on after I've been crushing on this girl for as long as I have. I have been talking to other girls don't get me wrong, but I don't feel committed on actually going somewhere with any of them because I'm still a bit interested in the original girl that I had a crush on, despite her liking my friend.

Does anyone have words of advice?[/QUOTE]

You could always take yourself off of the playing field so to speak and stop conversing with other girls until you figure yourself out. You can't get anywhere with anyone when you're dwelling on old feelings of someone else. That's how relationship partners end up getting hurt.

[Riku2211]

Wow, I just read through all of what happened, Guy, I wish I could help somehow. You've helped me (and a lot of others) a lot in this thread and it's awful to hear something like that happened to you. I can't say anything that hasn't been suggested, but I think the approach you're already taking is definitely the best. You've gotta get yourself through it first, make sure you're happy and can cope with it, before anything. I guess it's kind of redundant to say, but we're all here for you.

I was unsure about posting this here, but I don't know where else to go for advice, honestly. I didn't expect to flesh it out so much, but it's suddenly become a wall of text, so, sorry. I'll make a tl;dr. I'm stuck in a pretty bad situation in life at this point. A good four months or so ago my mom moved out of the house to New Mexico, leaving the house my my sister, her fiance and me. Since then, it's really stopped being my house, as they've decorated it, invited their friend to room with us, brought their pets (they had one dog and one cat. Then two cats. Now two dogs, granted the new dog is the roommate's. Too many animals), and I'm pretty much completely unhappy with the way they run things and just living here in general. Almost every time I leave my room I become annoyed in some way, even if just slightly, it adds up. I don't feel like this is my home at all anymore, which is kind of depressing consider I spent my entire high school career in this home, a really nice place. I really miss just living with my mom.

Then, my girlfriend has moved to Tucson, a two hour drive when neither of us have cars, so I'm pretty much alone here, living with people I don't really want to be around(I really don't like our roommate...), with no where to progress my life. The local community college has nothing for me, and my job's pretty dead-end, not to mention I'm pretty much done working it. So I've been trying to make plans for me to move to Tucson...figured I'd set up some jobs, try to set something up before I move down there, and either move into my own place with saved money or bunk at my GF's for a bit till I can get into my own place. Picked out a decently affordable apartment and everything. To be honest, I'm being picky with jobs. I'm trying really hard to land a job I might actually enjoy, at least to some extent. So, I've e-mailed a local UPS store with my resume, my girlfriend had gone in there previously and talked to them about it and got a business card and everything, which I used to e-mail them, but they haven't replied. I tried to visit there in person to talk to them, but they just so happened to be closed on Saturday for special reasons(they are usually open). My girlfriend said she'd go over there tomorrow and talk to them about my E-mail, see if they got it, let them know I tried to come in, etc.. I have other possible places but I want to try to get this job before I look at those, as they're, well... not great. I don't think I'd love working at Gamestop. Or any retail, for that matter.

Here's where it kind of got complicated. I got a burst of inspiration from a dumb Youtube show and decided I really did want to go to college. Turns out, a community college just down the road from where I'd be potentially living has a pretty good looking program for what I want to pursue. So, it seems like an even better deal, right? Well, this weekend I went down to visit her, and well, I wasn't exactly impressed with what I saw. I really just... don't like Tucson. Everywhere just looks run-down and trashy, and I'm not sure I'd want to live there. At the same time, I kept seeing people out and about everywhere, and people seemed sort of more happy and friendly than at home. I don't know if I'm being picky or what, but I'm just not sure if I'd even end up any happier if I moved to Tucson. Not only do I not particularly like the locale, but I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to go out on my own. It's kind of scary. This whole thing has been a roller coaster of indecision and anxiety and depression and bad sleep and excitement and hope, and I don't know what to make of it. I was thinking about looking up other possible colleges in state, but I didn't look too extensively as I've been telling myself to go to bed for the last hour. I was thinking maybe I shouldn't just move to Tucson to be with my girlfriend, that maybe there was somewhere better for me, even at the cost of furthering myself from her? I don't want to, but I just want to be happy for myself, with myself for once in my life. We wouldn't see eachother often, we already only get to see eachother once a month, but if I can be happy, then she can be happy, and everything will be better. But maybe moving to Tucson wouldn't be nearly as bad as I think, and I'd be happy there too, even happier because I can be with her. Or, maybe it'd be foolish to move out on my own, as I'd be paying at least $200 more a month than I pay living here with my sister. Not to mention my sister is having trouble finding a roommate. I don't plan on being held back by them, but I don't want to leave them in a bad situation just to get out of my own bad situation. So maybe I should stay? The issue with that is, I am MAJORLY fed up with my job. I've long-since passed the point of "I'd like to leave but I can still bear it". But, there aren't any good jobs for me around here.

So what exactly should I do, or how do I decide? Move to Tucson, find somewhere else to go, or stay put? It seems to me that all options are going to make me unhappy, which is kind of making me depressed because it seems like no matter what I do I'm never going to happy at all, but I think that's over exaggerating and I just need to pick the lesser of the evils. This is going to be a huge turning point in my life and I don't know how to make this sort of decision. I honestly just want to be happy. I know I won't be happy 100% of my life but, I just want to be in a generally decent situation is what I mean.

[B]tl;dr:[/B]I'm trying to move out of my house cause I hate living here so I thought I'd move near my SO but I don't know if I'd like it there but I could go to college there but maybe I should go to college somewhere where I'd be happy even though I'd be further away but I don't know where that would be, and I don't know where to go or what to do and my end goal is to be happy.

[Flumbooze]

Personally, I think you're too focused on 'being happy' and how where and with who you end up with might influence that. I mean, I get you want to move out as living somewhere you don't like with people you like even less can be really frustrating, but as long as you're trying too hard being happy you'll never really be completely satisfied.

I think you should weigh out the pro's and con's of Tucson, without necessarily looking at how happy you think you're going to be there, but rather look at how you could spend your time there, if the college is any good, if you'll manage it financially, etc. Happiness automatically comes when you let go of your continuous worry of needing to be happy and when you spend your time doing things you love with people you like. And once you start doing that, the location won't really matter anymore. (Unless it really is a shithole of a city.)

[Guy Mannly]

I had a panic attack about 20 minutes into my speech class yesterday because something my professor was lecturing about triggered it. Was crying in the bathroom and this girl came in and heard me crying. She came up to me and comforted me through it and hugged me a few times. I gave her my number and she just texted me a little while ago asking me how I'm doing.

The one time I really felt alone, a complete stranger came up to me and helped me get through it. The kindness of people really amazes me sometimes.

In other news, I spoke to a detective and he doesn't consider what happened to me to be sexual assault. I guess legal action probably isn't happening, but his friends already know the truth about what he did so hopefully the loss of their support will be enough to prevent him from ever trying something like this with a woman again.

[editline]28th October 2014[/editline]

And I'm taking some time off my classes, been speaking to all my professors about this so they know what the deal is with my shitty attendance this semester. Might end up withdrawing (my English prof advised that I should focus on recovering and not feel obliged to keep up with academic stuff while I'm dealing with this) but I'm waiting a few days to see if I can gauge how long it's going to take before I can comfortably attend class.

[editline]28th October 2014[/editline]

And yesterday I talked to my ex on the phone after going to the police and he had a full blown mental breakdown and I was on the phone trying to comfort him for an hour and a half. I really wish I could just worry about myself right now but between him, my assaulter's roommate, and my assaulter's best friend, I can't stop thinking about everyone else who is impacted by this.

[editline]28th October 2014[/editline]

I just talked to my dad on the phone and told him what happened and out of all the people who I've spoken to about this incident, the response I got from my own father was probably the most apathetic one I've gotten. I wish I had never brought it up.

I told him that I was taking some time off of class and meeting my professors to explain my situation and he told me "most people" deal with emotional trauma at some point and are able to move past it without interrupting other parts of their life (this is in contrast to my English professor who I talked to this morning, who told me that I shouldn't worry about taking some time off to recover if I need it, and said "school will always be here"). Then I explained to him that I was getting panic attacks, which I've gotten in the past when I lived with my parents, and my dad never responded very well (he would yell at me and threaten to hurt me whenever I got them). He asked me to explain my panic attacks and I flipped out and told him that he didn't do a hell of a good job helping me deal with them before so I didn't really want to talk about them now. I told him I was going to go back to lifting and hung up.

Never talked to my parents like that before, despite all the grievances I have with their abilities as parents, so I'm not feeling too good right now. Any part of me that isn't currently angry at how my dad has neglected my mental health my entire life is feeling guilty for finally letting him know that I truly think he fucked up as a parent.

[Remedial Math]

wait did your ex not know about it before you told him today?

also your dad is a fucking asshole

[Guy Mannly]

He knew but he flipped out when I told him the detective I spoke to didn't consider my case sexual assault. He thought it was incredibly unfair and got upset because of all the shit that keeps happening to me.

After that breakdown I probably shouldn't tell him about the part where my dad acted like a complete jackass about this.