Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT

[Remedial Math]

yeah but they hurt you in different ways

"Men will punch you in the face, but women will take a shit in your heart." ~ Louis CK

[Guy Mannly]

[QUOTE=Remedial Math;46748146]Girls are great, some are just batshit insane. Gotta find the ones that aren't, and that's the part of relationships that suck.[/QUOTE]

And then there are men, who 95% of the time will only talk to women because they want to date them. Most of the time this involves them thinking that pretending to be a "good friend" is an effective way of winning someone over who has expressed no interest in them so far...

Nothing quite like feeling guilty for talking freely because something innocuous you said might be interpreted as flirting.

[Navarchus]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46748326][B]And then there are men, who 95% of the time will only talk to women because they want to date them[/B]. Most of the time this involves them thinking that pretending to be a "good friend" is an effective way of winning someone over who has expressed no interest in them so far...

Nothing quite like feeling guilty for talking freely because something innocuous you said might be interpreted as flirting.[/QUOTE]

I find that this is more of an assumption than anything else.
I do not flirt and I do not date, yet it's regular people think I'm coming onto them because I talk to them, mostly girls make this assumption and it's really uncomfortable.
I mean if you tell them straight up that you don't find them attractive and that you have no interest in them they're probably going to take offense but really it's their own fault for assuming everyone is into them.

[Guy Mannly]

[QUOTE=CaptainHijacks;46748406]I find that this is more of an assumption than anything else.
I do not flirt and I do not date, yet it's regular people think I'm coming onto them because I talk to them, mostly girls make this assumption and it's really uncomfortable.
I mean if you tell them straight up that you don't find them attractive and that you have no interest in them they're probably going to take offense but really it's their own fault for assuming everyone is into them.[/QUOTE]

Maybe we make this assumption because of past experience? You are one person compared to 6 men who have straight up lied to me about their intentions after being rejected (I'm just counting the past year here) just so they'd have a second chance at proving themselves to me.

Also, there have been studies showing that in "platonic" friendships, men almost always believe the girl has feelings for them while the girl almost always believes they have a platonic friendship.

[killerteacup]

[QUOTE=CaptainHijacks;46748406]I find that this is more of an assumption than anything else.
I do not flirt and I do not date, yet it's regular people think I'm coming onto them because I talk to them, mostly girls make this assumption and it's really uncomfortable.
I mean if you tell them straight up that you don't find them attractive and that you have no interest in them they're probably going to take offense but really it's their own fault for assuming everyone is into them.[/QUOTE]

Utter bullshit

[Navarchus]

Asking for advice.
I'm pretty antisocial, quiet and I generally don't speak unless I have been asked a question or I'm giving information. Pretty likely due to my aspergers but I don't like blaming all my flaws on my disorders.
Anyway, the issue is that people keep on trying to force a conversation out of me and it's slightly annoying. It's usually not a problem unless I'm trying to do things in a schedule or it's happening several times a day until a point where it's a bother.
I know they're not intentionally trying to hassle me or anything but I still gets a bit annoying.

Example: I'm trying to order some fast food to take home, I can't remember exactly why but I remember I was in a hurry to do something in time.
This lass at the counter kept interrupting my order and asking me questions, I don't exactly want to tell her to shut up and take my money and saying "I'm in a hurry" offends people, like almost anything does these days so I just stand there answering a bunch of questions while there's people behind me in line waiting to order things as well.
"What's with the cloth?" "It's a sash."
"What does it stand for?" "It has no meaning, it's just a sash."
"Where is it from?" "I can't remember, I think the Vatican.
"Where do you come from?" "I'm from the Caribbean."
"I'm from X, I think your sash is very pretty." "Thanks."

How can I skip this without offending people? I understand that people are curious and especially about things they haven't seen before but as someone who avoids socializing it gets annoying getting interviewed when I am doing something so insignificant and I just want to move on.

And yes, I know I'm a cold, insensitive ass but even if I do offend or hurt people it's rarely on purpose.

[Guy Mannly]

Ideally, most people will get the hint if your body language indicates that you aren't interested in talking to them.

[Navarchus]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46748510]Ideally, most people will get the hint if your body language indicates that you aren't interested in talking to them.[/QUOTE]

There are still the people who try to force a conversation despite it being pretty clear that the person has no interest in talking to them.

[Remedial Math]

Sometimes I hate posting here because I start to realize I've missed clues and signs that should have been super obvious and that makes me sad because I feel like I've completely missed an opportunity. Grr.

[Psygo]

I think I'm starting to realize it's not so much my ex I miss anymore, it's more everything that was around her.

i mean, having to get on a plane every time, seeing a new country? awkwardly trying to communicate with people you half understand...
that was actually a lot of fun and I think I'll miss that part of it a lot more than I'll actually miss her.

And after learning that she never really loved me, I've started wondering if I'll ever find anyone who genuinely likes me.
I also wonder if I'll ever figure out how to meet new people.

[dcalde78]

[QUOTE=Psygo;46752461]I think I'm starting to realize it's not so much my ex I miss anymore, it's more everything that was around her.[/QUOTE]

Pretty much the same for me. Things we did, places we went, people we met, there's all sorts of memories I have with her. I miss the things we did as a couple more than anything else right now.

[quote]And after learning that she never really loved me, I've started wondering if I'll ever find anyone who genuinely likes me.
I also wonder if I'll ever figure out how to meet new people.[/quote]

As for this bit, you shouldn't concern yourself with that. As people have been telling me, it might not have worked out with her but that means that there is someone else out there for you. It might take time, sure, but that doesn't mean you'll never meet someone that fits you better than anyone else.

For meeting new people, it doesn't take too much. I wouldn't say that I'm the most confident person in the world but I just started small, casual conversations with people I hadn't spoken to before at work. A small chat here and there to begin with, but now I'm decent friends with a few more people than I was before.

[Meller Yeller]

My girlfriend has gained around 60lbs just in the year we've been together. It's really become an issue in my mind that bothers me constantly. She doesn't exercise as much as she used to but it's not like she eats overly terrible food or abnormal amounts. Our diets are probably about the same. All I can think of for such an abnormal weight gain in one year is that depo shot she was on. She recently switched to an IUD and I'm holding out hope this helps her start dropping it, but if that doesn't work... I don't know... I may have to end it. I love everything else about her so I'm willing to wait longer to see how this new birth control plays out. But I just feel like if I break it off and she loses all that weight at some point, I'm gonna always regret not giving her that chance. Because that's my only issue.

[Fire Kracker]

well she's your girlfriend so just tell her straight up "yo your getting fat"

not exactly like that but you know how to talk to your girlfriend than i do so

[Meller Yeller]

[QUOTE=Fire Kracker;46755391]well she's your girlfriend so just tell her straight up "yo your getting fat"

not exactly like that but you know how to talk to your girlfriend than i do so[/QUOTE]

I've sorta already done that and it's not like she hasn't noticed herself. That discussion is pretty much the whole reason she switched to the IUD. So I'm stressing out that if this doesn't work or she doesn't make the lifestyle changes she needs to, I'm basically playing the waiting game to see what happens. In the meantime I feel bad because she honestly sees a future with me (and so did I) and this could possibly just be heading towards a dead end for a shallow reason.

Ironically this scenario was always a huge fear of mine when I was dating. I thought "Wow I really hope I don't fall in love with a girl and then her blow up like a balloon". Jesus... fuck me.

[Fire Kracker]

[QUOTE=Meller Yeller;46755414]I've sorta already done that and it's not like she hasn't noticed herself. That discussion is pretty much the whole reason she switched to the IUD. So I'm stressing out that if this doesn't work or she doesn't make the lifestyle changes she needs to, I'm basically playing the waiting game to see what happens. In the meantime I feel bad because she honestly sees a future with me (and so did I) and this could possibly just be heading towards a dead end for a shallow reason.

Ironically this scenario was always a huge fear of mine when I was dating. I thought "Wow I really hope I don't fall in love with a girl and then her blow up like a balloon". Jesus... fuck me.[/QUOTE]
it's not that shallow

physical attraction plays as much role as anything else

[blerb]

Alright, so there's this girl who works at a local hock shop. I go in every once in a while, and if she's working, l strike up a conversation. We share our taste in video games, so it's nice to just go in and chat about some of the games on the shelf. I've been thinking about asking her to hang out some time, but my track record with dating has been awful so far, and honestly, I'd rather just be friends with her at this point. I've considered where I am in life and dating is something I currently can't handle.

I'm about as smooth as sandpaper in regular speech, and I don't show a lot of outward emotion. This usually makes people seemingly uncomfortable (though I may just be projecting my own discomfort onto others when I think this), and it's affected my ability to make/keep friends. Thus, because of a lack of social experience, I have a hard time telling if people are actually interested in the conversation they're having with me, or if they're doing it because they have to. Especially in this case, as it's a customer/employee relationship, so I'm currently under the impression that she was talking to me because it's her job.

... I don't really know what I'm asking here. Reflecting on what I've said, I'm thinking I might just explain to her that I think she's cool and I want to get to know her, but I don't want to date because of my life situation right now. I just don't know if showing emotional baggage right from the start is a good idea.

So uh yeah what should i do

[Meller Yeller]

[QUOTE=Fire Kracker;46755438]it's not that shallow

physical attraction plays as much role as anything else[/QUOTE]

I do agree. But I'm not unattracted to her yet entirely. I guess I'm also waiting to see if she gains. Plus this situation really is not fair to her either because now I almost feel ashamed to be with her around people I know or when my friends meet her. Hell, my mother met her after the weight gain not too long ago and asked me if I "lacked confidence".

[Zerokateo]

Is sex deprivation really a thing? Cause I'm really stressed out about life in general and honestly I keep going back to thinking about sex for some reason, which is not normal for me.

Like I just have this sudden urge to just fuck.

[Guy Mannly]

[QUOTE=Meller Yeller;46755471]I do agree. But I'm not unattracted to her yet entirely. I guess I'm also waiting to see if she gains. Plus this situation really is not fair to her either because now I almost feel ashamed to be with her around people I know or when my friends meet her. Hell, my mother met her after the weight gain not too long ago and asked me if I "lacked confidence".[/QUOTE]

My ex was a bit on the pudgy side, I pressured him a bit to take care of his health but it never went anywhere. I wasn't concerned about him being a bit overweight so much as the fact that he didn't have a healthy lifestyle - he didn't eat well or exercise much. Aside from physical attractiveness, his health impacted his mood and definitely didn't do him any favors in terms of coping with his depression. He had low energy all the time because of poor diet and lack of exercise.

At this point I wouldn't even consider dating someone who doesn't care about their body. You have every right to want your partner to take care of their health.

[blerb]

[QUOTE=Zerokateo;46755514]Is sex deprivation really a thing? Cause I'm really stressed out about life in general and honestly I keep going back to thinking about sex for some reason, which is not normal for me.

Like I just have this sudden urge to just fuck.[/QUOTE]

Sounds pretty regular to me. Sex is one of the best stress relievers out there, after all.

[Zerokateo]

[QUOTE=blerb;46755603]Sounds pretty regular to me. Sex is one of the best stress relievers out there, after all.[/QUOTE]

Like ever since I fooled around with that girl who left the hickey on me, I just really want sex. But what fucking sucks is she's like avoiding conversation with me which makes NO sense, she just one morning was all like "sup" and "cool" like for fucks sake she initiated the sexual stuff with me and wanted more, what in the hell.

[Navarchus]

[QUOTE=Zerokateo;46755633]Like ever since I fooled around with that girl who left the hickey on me, I just really want sex. But what fucking sucks is she's like avoiding conversation with me which makes NO sense, she just one morning was all like "sup" and "cool" like for fucks sake she initiated the sexual stuff with me and wanted more, what in the hell.[/QUOTE]

It isn't impossible that she found someone else to replace you, considering she does not sound like she is up for a serious relationship but instead something casual.

[Remedial Math]

I'm just going to post this here since I'll forget it in the morning and maybe someone else can explain to me why I'm being dumb and not as active as I should be. also i'm tired and ever so slightly drunk so this will either be vaguely incoherent or just ramble

So we had our paper's Christmas party tonight and I showed up on campus at 8 to shuttle people over to the party and when I got there the girl (whom I will refer to as K since that is her initial and i'm lazy) sent the host a text and was like "hey come pick me up" so I went back to go get her and we had a nice conversation in the car on the way over there and then we hung out and drank a lot (mostly her, I had to drive so I stopped drinking at like 10) and enjoyed ourselves and I kept picking up signs from her body language that i am admittedly pretty shit at reading but it made me think she wanted me to talk to her more and we had some nice conversations and then she went over to one of our friends and was like "hey i finally made a tinder look at all these idiots that keep sending me messages" and then they laughed and i was like "i don't have a tinder but if i did the only pick up line i'd need is "hey girl if you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber" and then she rolled her eyes and was like "no, doofus" but i think she appreciated it because she weirdly enjoys puns and shitty jokes

anyway as the night went on we kept hanging out and played some drinking games and shit and then she busted out a ukelele and played some songs that were actually REALLY good and i think i looked a bit /too/ attentive because she kept looking at me but so did a few other people so they were either seeing her do it and copying her or i was somehow being weird (that's probably me overanalyzing)

but at one point i overheard her talking to a friend about dating or whatever and she was like "yeah i'm a freshmen and i think it's weird when older guys hit on me like i feel like they're being like predators or whatever" and so that was like a weird warning for me because i'm like three years older than she is (although as usual i'm pretty sure she's more mature than i am just because i know myself) but other than that i didn't really see any other signs

and then when i dropped everyone off she was last and we had a nice discussion that felt kind of intimate in a weird way because i feel like she sort of opened up a bit which was unexpected but not unwelcome and stuff and then she was like "hey have a happy new year blah blah blah" (she actually said blah blah blah which made me laugh) and then i went home and started typing this and now here we are

i realize typing this that i'm an idiot and for once i'm the one that's just ignoring blatant signs but anyone that knows me (i think amanda can especially vouch for htis) knows that i tend to overanalyze things way fucking more than i need to and really i should just go ask K out or whatever so i guess i'll do that when school starts up again

not sure why i typed this all out but it did help i guess

[Loopoo]

if you two had a good time (which it seems you did), ask her out sometime. she'll either say no, and it won't be a big deal, or she'll say yes, and it'll be hella sweet

[Guy Mannly]

[QUOTE=blerb;46755448]So uh yeah what should i do[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Remedial Math;46756094]I'm just going to post this here since I'll forget it in the morning and maybe someone else can explain to me why I'm being dumb and not as active as I should be. also i'm tired and ever so slightly drunk so this will either be vaguely incoherent or just ramble[/QUOTE]

To both of you:

I took communications this semester. Our professor told us that if we only remember one thing from the class, it was this: always listen to your instincts. Usually our instincts kick in when we subconsciously pick up on context clues that we aren't consciously able to identify.

In the case of my communications class, we were largely talking about threatening situations, like dealing with predators... However, it can be applied to your situations as well. Instead of trying to discredit your gut feeling with statements like "Because of a lack of social experience, I have a hard time telling" and "I'm an idiot", try to really listen to your gut feeling for once and see what it's saying. If your gut is telling you someone is interested in you, don't ignore it, try to find out [i]why[/i] - rethink the situation and try and see if you can figure out what context clues gave you that idea.

[blerb]

Makes sense, I suppose. "listening to my gut" tells me that she was interested in the conversation itself, and she was typically quite genuine with her answers, but she also seemed like she was trying to break away. She was at work and it was rather busy so I guess I can't blame her.

I honestly don't pay a lot of attention to things like body language or voice tone, both my own and from others, so I think I'll just continue dropping in for a while and focus on recognizing things when I talk to her.

Thanks.

[Loopoo]

I dunno if I'd actually chase after that, blerb. Since she's working there.

I frequent a bar, and I'm really good friends with all the people that work there, but that's after like a year of regular visits, plus alcohol, plus playing pool. I personally wouldn't really approach a person working in a shop, especially if she was a woman, and ask her to hang out.

[editline]20th December 2014[/editline]

and you say things like you lack social experience, and you have a hard time paying attention to body language / tone of voice? I dunno. just seems like it'd end awkwardly. especially if she's only being courteous since you're a customer.

[blerb]

I didn't specify that I wouldn't be asking her to hang out, at least not in the immediate future. As I said before I shop there frequently so I'll keep it to just small chat, just so I can practice speaking to someone I consider intimidating, and to see if I can pick up on any cues, whether they're negative or positive. We also share taste in games and I can talk about em for hours so there's no shortage of topics

But it is her job, and I know its kinda disrespectful to distract an employee for a long time just for idle conversation. I'll keep that in mind when I speak to her.

I do get what you're saying, though. It probably will end awkwardly but I desperately need the experience.

[Meller Yeller]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46755563]My ex was a bit on the pudgy side, I pressured him a bit to take care of his health but it never went anywhere. I wasn't concerned about him being a bit overweight so much as the fact that he didn't have a healthy lifestyle - he didn't eat well or exercise much. Aside from physical attractiveness, his health impacted his mood and definitely didn't do him any favors in terms of coping with his depression. He had low energy all the time because of poor diet and lack of exercise.

At this point I wouldn't even consider dating someone who doesn't care about their body. You have every right to want your partner to take care of their health.[/QUOTE]

Honestly I'm not sure if that's an issue yet. She spends almost all of her time working and going to school. So I really don't know how she would be with more free time and what she would be like living on her own. But you're right. It may not be worth waiting around for another year or longer to find out if our lifestyles are compatible.

[Remedial Math]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;46756238]To both of you:

I took communications this semester. Our professor told us that if we only remember one thing from the class, it was this: always listen to your instincts. Usually our instincts kick in when we subconsciously pick up on context clues that we aren't consciously able to identify.

In the case of my communications class, we were largely talking about threatening situations, like dealing with predators... However, it can be applied to your situations as well. Instead of trying to discredit your gut feeling with statements like "Because of a lack of social experience, I have a hard time telling" and "I'm an idiot", try to really listen to your gut feeling for once and see what it's saying. If your gut is telling you someone is interested in you, don't ignore it, try to find out [i]why[/i] - rethink the situation and try and see if you can figure out what context clues gave you that idea.[/QUOTE]

i mean i'm pretty sure she is but it's me so i want to make sure i'm right before i do anything but that's not the attitude that gets things done, really