• Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT
    11,088 replies, posted
[QUOTE=sourcegamer101;46882106]i dont really know for sure, thats a good question perhaps its because im not the type of person to walk up to someone and smalltalk with them, despite actually being alright at it, or maybe its because i got rejected at one point. maybe its because theres a significant amount of girls already taken at my school. i can tell when someone is interested in me or when someone is not, as can you, im pretty sure. i dont really know how to approach those kinds of things.[/QUOTE] Well it sounds like you don't WANT to just 'find' a girlfriend, you just want to put that part of your life to the side until the time comes that you find someone, right? I wanted the same thing a few years ago, but could never stop caring or wanting a relationship, and always felt lonely even though I 'didn't care'. Truth is, I don't really know if you CAN just stop caring, if you're having that much trouble getting it off your mind. Enriching the rest of your life is bound to help get your mind off it, but that's not always so easy. I don't know if you're in high school or whatnot, but just try being more social in general, hanging out with friends and stuff. Maybe having that social activity will help ease your want for a relationship. I know that helped me every once in a while, but was never permanent. I'm not sure that you really can just not care and wait for the time to come, because the time doesn't just 'come'. You have to actually do something about it, or get extremely lucky. I think you should maybe just accept that those feelings won't go away, and do something about them, like asking someone out. As hard as that seems, once you build up the courage and just do it, it stops being so bad. You're not forcing it; the time doesn't HAVE to just 'come', there's no right time. Don't be so cocky about your ability to tell when someone is interested; everyone is different and could have different ways of hiding stuff like that. They could be obviously interested, yeah, but sometimes it may take some opening up on your end to get them to show it. What I mean is, you'd have to show some amount of interest in them for them to feel comfortable showing that they are interested in you. It's not always black and white. And rejection will happen, but you can't let it deter you. Think about it this way: if you're rejected by one girl, that doesn't at all increase your chances of being rejected again. It was just the wrong girl. You said yourself you wanted to wait for it to happen, well being rejected only helps move that forward. Now you know that it's not going to happen with that girl. I don't know if I'm getting the point you're asking for advice on, and I'm really pretty confused what exactly that is, but I hope I said anything useful. Sometimes, even though you want something to go one way, you need to just bite the bullet and take the other road. That other road may even lead to the result you'd wanted in the first place.
I think that it is possible to stop caring about wanting a relationship. For a long time when I was in school and all my friends had girlfriends or boyfriends, it was very difficult being single. Then I grew up a bit and broadened my friendship circle, the need for a relationship dropped. I find that the more time you spend family or friends (preferably in person) the less you care and want a relationship. And most of the time, relationships that fall into your lap or come out of the blue are the best ones because nothing is forced. It's far more natural to have a relationship with someone you didnt expect to fall for than a forced one (actively pursuing / trying to get a date with them).
[QUOTE=D3vils Buddy;46883286]I think that it is possible to stop caring about wanting a relationship. For a long time when I was in school and all my friends had girlfriends or boyfriends, it was very difficult being single. Then I grew up a bit and broadened my friendship circle, the need for a relationship dropped. I find that the more time you spend family or friends (preferably in person) the less you care and want a relationship. And most of the time, relationships that fall into your lap or come out of the blue are the best ones because nothing is forced. It's far more natural to have a relationship with someone you didnt expect to fall for than a forced one (actively pursuing / trying to get a date with them).[/QUOTE] This so much. Relationship that just natural grow out of a good friendship are so much better than dating strangers and hoping maybe one day one is going to turn out for some time.
I took one of those "personality tests", and the one it gave me is scarily accurate. Like it's weird how reading it, I kept saying "Oh shit, that's me". I answered it brutally honestly, and didn't just sugarcoat what I'd do in real life situations. Crazy how people can be broken down into traits like that. Anyways, exam stress fucking sucks. It's kinda shitty seeing coffee girl looking so pensive, worried and stressed all the time. Like I can really tell she's shitting it about these exams. She's usually always got a smile on her face, so it's weird seeing her without it. I've sorta shut down from the stress, myself, and I'm hoping I'll just pass by the skin of my teeth. Also, I promised I'd bake apple and blackberry crumble dessert for the Christmas dinner we're having at the end of Jan (since other people are sorting out the dinner itself). Figured I'd cook one this weekend to make sure I cook it right, and then take one over sometime after that to coffee girl's apartment, since her and her flatmate love that shit. Will tell her binging on crumbly goodness will get rid of the shitty feeling exams cause. I would be such a good gay best friend in another life :v:
[QUOTE=loopoo;46885835] Also, I promised I'd bake apple and blackberry crumble dessert for the Christmas dinner we're having at the end of Jan (since other people are sorting out the dinner itself). Figured I'd cook one this weekend to make sure I cook it right, and then take one over sometime after that to coffee girl's apartment, since her and her flatmate love that shit. Will tell her binging on crumbly goodness will get rid of the shitty feeling exams cause. I would be such a good gay best friend in another life :v:[/QUOTE] Men who can cook are sexy, woo her with pie.
Is it possible to lower your own standards of what you find attractive?
[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;46887753]Is it possible to lower your own standards of what you find attractive?[/QUOTE] Yes, in a sense. What you should really do is get rid of your unrealistic expectations and desires.
lower your standards to the point of where they're already met and then life is fine
[QUOTE=riku2211;46882852]Well it sounds like you don't WANT to just 'find' a girlfriend, you just want to put that part of your life to the side until the time comes that you find someone, right? I wanted the same thing a few years ago, but could never stop caring or wanting a relationship, and always felt lonely even though I 'didn't care'. Truth is, I don't really know if you CAN just stop caring, if you're having that much trouble getting it off your mind. Enriching the rest of your life is bound to help get your mind off it, but that's not always so easy. I don't know if you're in high school or whatnot, but just try being more social in general, hanging out with friends and stuff. Maybe having that social activity will help ease your want for a relationship. I know that helped me every once in a while, but was never permanent. I'm not sure that you really can just not care and wait for the time to come, because the time doesn't just 'come'. You have to actually do something about it, or get extremely lucky. I think you should maybe just accept that those feelings won't go away, and do something about them, like asking someone out. As hard as that seems, once you build up the courage and just do it, it stops being so bad. You're not forcing it; the time doesn't HAVE to just 'come', there's no right time. Don't be so cocky about your ability to tell when someone is interested; everyone is different and could have different ways of hiding stuff like that. They could be obviously interested, yeah, but sometimes it may take some opening up on your end to get them to show it. What I mean is, you'd have to show some amount of interest in them for them to feel comfortable showing that they are interested in you. It's not always black and white. And rejection will happen, but you can't let it deter you. Think about it this way: if you're rejected by one girl, that doesn't at all increase your chances of being rejected again. It was just the wrong girl. You said yourself you wanted to wait for it to happen, well being rejected only helps move that forward. Now you know that it's not going to happen with that girl. I don't know if I'm getting the point you're asking for advice on, and I'm really pretty confused what exactly that is, but I hope I said anything useful. Sometimes, even though you want something to go one way, you need to just bite the bullet and take the other road. That other road may even lead to the result you'd wanted in the first place.[/QUOTE] Thanks for the advice, it was useful. I'm gonna consider this post in the future, you bring up really good points. I didn't mean for that last part to come off as cocky, which the other dude probably interpreted it as. I missed a lot of chances in the past because I couldn't see the signs. Now, my problem seems to be me being too scared to go and ask someone out. I'm gonna try to overcome that obstacle
[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;46887753]Is it possible to lower your own standards of what you find attractive?[/QUOTE] It's better to earn those standards by focusing on self-improvement.
Does he mean in terms of people HE finds attractive, or in terms of lowering his own expectations of what HE looks like?
[QUOTE=Splash Attack;46881763]Contrary to what you may think, we're not going to make fun of you for your appearance if you're coming to this thread legitimately looking for advice. This thread is here to help people, not put them down.[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Remedial Math;46881704]so you want advice about how to fix something you don't want to share ok step 1: find a genie lamp[/QUOTE] Yeah honestly that's my fault. Still idk what to do about my social life, it's usually going into chatrooms involving my interests (never ends well, I don't know why I go there, probably to prove myself? Once a day I get flamed for doing nothing) I only have a few friends to talk to and play with, which is somewhat good enough for me but its like I want more.
How would you guys approach somebody if you feel you've made them uncomfortable? I have a mutual friend whom I believe I may have creeped out with my avoidant personality, and I don't really know how to remedy that situation without making it even more awkward. I'd like to just forget about it and move on but it's likely that I'll be seeing her again some time soon, and I'd like to relieve this anxiety in a way that isn't just burdening her with it. For a little context, I hung out with her and our mutual friend the past couple nights. First night was okay, mainly because I had my medication that day (I was calm but still distant as usual) but that was the last of it until today. The second day we hung out, yesterday, was a full-out awkwardfest where I felt I wasn't welcome at times. I have a habit of feeling this way for some reason despite being told constantly that I am welcome, but the way she reacted to me seemed quite different. I was mainly just trying to make small chat most of the time but she wouldn't even respond with words, usually just a nod. Discomfort intensifies. I could just be projecting my own discomfort onto her, and that's probably compounded by my chronic habit of overanalyzing things, but I'd like to be sure. I was thinking I would simply message her on FB and say that I'm an introvert and that I mean no offense with my defensive character, but it just seems like it would backfire on me. Also she never accepted my friend request so yeah even more reason to believe I was being weird. I was also thinking of asking our mutual friend for his opinion on the way I behaved. Seems like the best option but I have no idea how he'd react. He's reacted quite negatively to some of my previous emotional issues so I tend to avoid my more sensitive problems. Still, I feel he would offer the best viewpoint as he was witness to the entire scenario, and tbh, he seemed uncomfortable with me at times too. Thoughts? How would you react to someone you just met opening themselves to you in this way?
Don't FB message her, especially if she hasn't accepted you, and don't talk to your friend to ask him if you were weird or not, that's gonna be super strange. Especially if he hasn't been supportive in the past. May I ask why you care so much about this person / these people? The girl seems like a bit of a cunt for not putting much effort into small talk, especially just the nodding. I'd have taken that as a slap in the face, realised she's an asshole and not wasted my time with her. If I met someone like that, I'd realise they're not worth my time and find better people to hang out with. [editline]9th January 2015[/editline] First week of gym is complete, my personal trainer is such a bro and I've come such a long way even though it's only been a week (in terms of confidence and motivation). Shit's tough but it gets easier by the day, was especially shocked when I found that an exercise I did back on Monday was 10x easier today to the point where I laughed and asked my personal trainer if he'd put light weights on. He told me that's the way it is, and progress happens quick if you stick with it. The rewarding feeling from bettering myself is awesome, and I'm glad I took the first (scary) step into actually getting my ass into the gym. Would thoroughly recommend it to all you lot, I can see that this'll help me a lot in loads of ways. Would definitely recommend everyone to do it. [editline]9th January 2015[/editline] Also blerb, I used to have pretty crippling social anxiety due to a shitty disfigurement that I felt was worse than it actually was. I decided enough was enough, and when I was around 16, I just kept forcing myself into uncomfortable situations. I'd walk around town or chat with random people (old people are super easy to chat with and love talking). I look back on how I was and I'm a different person thanks to pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I understand you're taking medication for your problem, but you really have to work on the whole "calm but distant" aspect. No one wants to hang out with a boring buzzkill. If I saw someone who spent the entire night awkwardly avoiding eye contact and shuffling around without saying much, I'd feel a bit uncomfortable / creeped out and not want to get to know them better.
Well my friend is basically a brother to me at this point. We haven't been as close lately compared to the past, but we are still friends. I've just always repressed most of my emotions around him so he isn't used to hearing about them, I guess. It's far too nebulous a friendship to summarize in a few words but overall I trust him enough to know he'd at least listen. I don't care that much about the girl, I just figured I'd try to start a friendship with her since they tend to hang out a lot and we have similar taste in comedy and games. I take a while to warm up to people though and my rather dry, sarcastic sense of humour has put people off most of my life. I tend to only joke around when I'm with close friends, aka this friend, as he's as dry and blunt as I am. I know it's as easy as finding other people to hang out with. Problem is as stated above though, my humour makes most people uncomfortable. I'm also very critical about everything and that puts off the people who actually stick around for my humour. This makes meeting relatable people pretty difficult for me because any time I meet someone they tend to begin ignoring me rather quickly. Most of the time it's not a big deal, as you said, it's not worth the effort. Still, I don't get chances to make 'friends' very often and I'd like the social practice. Thinking about it a little more, I guess it wasn't 100% awkward. We did do some small chatting here and there, and she was engaging in the conversations we had, however few. It's just when it was the three of us when I'd feel out of place. I guess I felt I was intruding on them, even though it clearly wasn't the case. I guess that says more about me then it does them, as I only engage either of them whenever the other isn't around. I'm just thinking too much, I think. Haven't slept right for days, meds have been messed up and every other aspect of life is up in the air so I guess I'll just sleep on it and think about it when I've got a clear head. I'm still open to opinions tho. [editline]9th January 2015[/editline] Yeah that basically describes my character lol. The feeling is mutual in that situation, and I just end up feeling bad for being a downer, which just exacerbates the problem.
[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;46887753]Is it possible to lower your own standards of what you find attractive?[/QUOTE] I've personally wondered if its possible to have duel standards when it comes to attractiveness, its like I'm more attracted to girls who look like models in photos and the like but when it comes to real life I'm more attracted to girls who look a lot more natural. (More cute than hot if anything.)
[QUOTE=Daniel Smith;46887753]Is it possible to lower your own standards of what you find attractive?[/QUOTE] I believe so. In my experience though there were some girls that I found not that attractive or interesting in the first place but after hanging out with them multiple times, I found them more attractive and appealing. It's the concept of the attraction caused by proximity which is created just by interacting with a person more often and thus making it more likely that you feel drawn towards them because you know them better. But it depends how you perceive attractiveness. I usually value different aspects about a girl I date.
You guys were right, she wasn't interested but I don't feel too bad about it I guess.
How'd you come to this conclusion? Given your post history, I can only imagine how awkward it must have been for the girl. I told you to just leave it, man. At least you could have walked away with a bit of dignity. You gotta curtail the desperation, it's really offputting. I genuinely find if you just live life not badly wanting a girlfriend, people come in and out of it that you connect with. If you're just waking up everyday feeling angry and upset you don't have a girl, you're pretty much just gonna scare anyone who'd potentially be interested in you.
[QUOTE=loopoo;46892524][B]You gotta curtail the desperation, it's really offputting. I genuinely find if you just live life not badly wanting a girlfriend, people come in and out of it that you connect with. If you're just waking up everyday feeling angry and upset you don't have a girl, you're pretty much just gonna scare anyone who'd potentially be interested in you.[/B][/QUOTE] This so much. It's the exact description of how my life went. You seriously need to enjoy your life before wanting to share anything with others. They won't join if you can't share anything good.
[QUOTE=loopoo;46892524]How'd you come to this conclusion? Given your post history, I can only imagine how awkward it must have been for the girl. I told you to just leave it, man. At least you could have walked away with a bit of dignity. You gotta curtail the desperation, it's really offputting. I genuinely find if you just live life not badly wanting a girlfriend, people come in and out of it that you connect with. If you're just waking up everyday feeling angry and upset you don't have a girl, you're pretty much just gonna scare anyone who'd potentially be interested in you.[/QUOTE] I did pretty much leave it. I texted her a couple days ago and she never responded. Then I saw her today with some guy and kind of pieced together a likely reason why she wouldn't text back. I'm legitimately trying not to be desperate, but it's fucking hard when everyone around you has someone special in their life.
You need to be able to share something good with them before they are interested, so you have to work on yourself before others will. I was in the same situation for about half a decade. I felt lonely and dissatisfied with my life, and I saw everybody around me actually happy. I felt jealous and sad, and that reflected on my behaviour, and that reflected on the fact that I kept failing constantly. Once I decided to start fixing my life, things went better almost immediately. For starters I stopped caring about what other people do that make them happy and focused on ways to make me happy: in my case I just stopped desperately trying to get along and hang out because it reeked of anxiety and kept playing videogames. During that time I also developed an interest in chess and music, as well as informing myself on various subjects to better grasp the world around me. It may sound useless but the paradigm shift is that I had something that they didn't: the deep interest in chess and music. I got a hold of a lot of info about many issues, better developing an understanding, which my friends lack to this day. That made me feel better about myself because now I was living actively and not passively. After that I simply kept pursuing my interests. I stopped wanting to hang out and get along at all costs as it simply pushed people away and kept developing my passions. That was enough to make me happy. Now I have a girlfriend, my situation isn't so desperate (I'm still working on it but I've made big steps into actually fitting with them) and I've discovered new things too. The trick for me was that I stopped seeing what they had that I lacked and gained something that meant to me that they didn't have. It can be the start of something.
I obviously have other things that interest me. Obviously I wouldn't be a history major if I didn't have a strong interest in history. I just don't like talking about my interests with people because they're dorky as all fuck. Video games, history, death metal, attempting to learn Russian, most people aren't going to give a shit about any of those. I mean sure, maybe I can try actually talking about my interests, but I don't think anyone is going to care and it's just going to make me feel like a massive loser when someone thinks that's all boring as fuck because while it may be boring as fuck, these are the things that are important to me in my life right now. I should stop before I make an idiot out of myself.
you're going about it all wrong WHY are you studying history? WHY are you trying to learn russian? I'm assuming there are deeper roots than "uh it sounds cool" those are the things you explore and turn into interesting stories
[QUOTE=Remedial Math;46892850]you're going about it all wrong WHY are you studying history? WHY are you trying to learn russian? I'm assuming there are deeper roots than "uh it sounds cool" those are the things you explore and turn into interesting stories[/QUOTE] It legitimately doesn't have an interesting story. I'm studying history because I played Medal of Honor on PS2 when I was like 6 and that got me into learning about WWII and then it just took off from there and then that lead into me trying to learn Russian because I got interested in Russian history and want to visit Russia. It's not an interesting story unless you're a gamer I don't think because it literally starts off with playing a video game. [editline]9th January 2015[/editline] I had also gotten super into military aircraft from playing Ace Combat around the same time and that helped contribute to it too, but again, not interesting to non-gamers.
I never tell people about my interests unless they ask something about me, at which point I flood them with information and they may be interested in knowing me and learning how I got to know this [I]et cetera[/I]. Telling them without them asking is just calling out for attention. Talking should be spontaneous, otherwise it's really embarassing. If from small talk people start telling each other about their own interests, all bets are off: you may talk about videogames, Russian history and language. Who knows, they may think you're interesting. Also you're assuming that you're the only person with an interest that not a lot of people share, but everybody has one.
I'm also bad at small talk to the point where I pretty much outright hate it.
The problem is yours to fix and it won't happen with this behaviour. [QUOTE=Confucius]The man who says he can and the man who says he can not are both correct.[/QUOTE]
everyone's terrible at small talk and no one likes it but you kind of have to do it unless you find a girl that's like "hi my name is nicole what do you think happens when you die?"
Small talk isn't that bad if the person you're talking with puts in the tiniest bit of effort.
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