Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT
11,088 replies, posted
[QUOTE=MaverickIB;41195610]It was easy because her infatuation phase ended so she never went through withdrawals. You can still move on just as easily, but like I said, you've been choosing not to. It hasn't been "difficult" for you to move on. That'd be like me saying it's difficult for me to go to the gym when the actual process of doing so is easy, I'm just choosing to sit here and put it off. You can't choose not to do something then say you're having a hard time, you aren't even trying.
This entire paragraph is stupid. Plain and simple. High school? Really? You think high school is the end of you meeting people? Hahahaha, oh fucking wow. You haven't even met a quarter of the people you will meet in your lifetime. Even if you don't go to college, you're going to meet a shitload of people in everyday life. How can you say there's nobody compatible with you there when you can't even be assed to look? You're spending all your time wound up on this one whore, how much time have you actually spent looking? And I mean actually looking, not pointing at every girl and thinking of how much more "perfect" the chick who left you is.
She didn't show you love. She showed you infatuation. You have absolutely no idea what love is. This shit you're feeling, all the jealousy, inability to move on, sadness, that isn't love.
I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but you're being an idiot thinking she was the only one for a long time. At the end of the day, the only reason why it might be a long time before you find someone else is because you're wasting all this time moping about your ex. No shit you're not going to find any of that again if you aren't even out looking, what, you think it's just going to drop into your lap? Some chick is going to see you moping about your ex and think that's attractive?
I guarantee if you fight your infatuation and stop trying to rationalize all of your stupid feelings, move the fuck on, and meet someone else, you're going to realize just how much of a fucking idiot you were. You're going to think, "Wow, everything I was thinking and feeling was retarded." I know because I've been in that same boat. Hell, I actually loved, legitimately loved, a girl and lost her. Spent a summer being a little bitch about it, thought it would be forever before I met someone like that again, locked myself inside for a while but then decided to get back into the world despite how pointless it felt. Right around a year after it happened, I just randomly stumbled across an amazing girl I fell in love with and have been best friends with for the past 3 years. I say randomly stumbled because she was the one who approached me and asked me out. That wouldn't have happened if I was still some whiny bitch who never wanted to do anything fun because waaah waaah waaah I will never find love again.
Every second you spend CHOOSING to mope about this is a second you could have met the next important person in your life. You are the one denying yourself opportunities. It isn't that there's nobody else who is compatible, it's that you're refusing to even look.[/QUOTE]
This is literally what I needed to hear 6 months ago, when I was going through what he was going through. This is the best advice you're going to get, riku2211. Listen to it.
Where is the line between infatuation and love?
[QUOTE=ZenX2;41195942]Where is the line between infatuation and love?[/QUOTE]
When you want to be with someone 24/7 - I mean every single second of the day - and when you can't stop thinking about them even when you need to focus on something else, that's infatuation. That's unhealthy. There are some other symptoms but its a hell of a lot different than love.
The difference between infatuation and love in those regards is that love is wanting to be with someone without it consuming you, and being able to have them not take up your entire life, but still having affection. At least that's what I think it is.
[QUOTE=loopoo;41193303]The fuck? 5'9" ain't short by any standard. My friend is that height and he towers above most girls. He towers above most people too. Are you sure that's how tall you are?[/QUOTE]
huh? yea I've been measured I stand around there, and that isn't tall by any means that I can say tower over people. most of my male friends are 6' +
I'm 6'5", and trust me, you [I]don't[/I] want to be that tall. You never hear the end of it.
[QUOTE=BigJoeyLemons;41196266]I'm 6'5", and trust me, you [I]don't[/I] want to be that tall. You never hear the end of it.[/QUOTE]
This describes my life. If I meet someone I'll eventually hear the same three phrases from them: "Whoa, how tall are you", "You don't talk much", and "Damn you've got big feet"
[QUOTE=ZenX2;41195942]Where is the line between infatuation and love?[/QUOTE]
There is no "line" between them.
That implies they are on the same spectrum. Like you get to a point of infatuation, then it turns into love.
They are two entirely different emotions. You can be infatuated but not in love. You can be in love but not infatuated. You can be both at the same time.
I've written massive posts about it, but the simplest way to see it is, love is when you care more about someone's happiness than your own. Enough to the point where if they are happy, you are happy as well regardless of your place in their life. For example, the first girl I ever fell in love with, she's getting married soon. I haven't spoken to her in an extremely long time. There isn't a single pang of sadness or regret in my mind when I think about it, she is happy therefore I feel nothing but the same for her. The entire reason why I stopped talking to her was because she got upset every time we talked, therefore I distanced myself for the sake of her happiness. I felt no sadness in doing so, what I wanted was second to what she needed.
It's tough to say when someone is in love because infatuation is a liar. For example, someone who is infatuated can read what I just wrote love is, and they will go, "THAT IS HOW I FEEL." Obviously, it isn't, but their infatuation will stop at no end to convince them it is. It's easier to tell if someone is in love after a relationship is over. If this kid saw his ex enjoying life without him and he actually loved her, there wouldn't be a single pang of jealousy, sadness, regret, whatever it is he feels. He would simply be glad she has found happiness and the thought of wanting her back wouldn't even cross his mind since it would lead to her not being as happy, which is pretty much why she broke up in the first place.
Infatuation is not inherently bad. It can be a lot of fun, sometimes getting lost in someone and thinking ridiculous shit can be a nice escape from reality. The big problem with it is what you see here, if a relationship ends while someone is still infatuated, they refuse to let go like a drug addict in rehab screaming for a hit. They stalk facebooks and whatnot, getting the tiniest hits possible, doing whatever they can to keep those memories alive, perpetuating their addiction.
Simply put, infatuation isn't a bad thing unless you're weak willed. Then it can destroy you in the right (or wrong) circumstances.
I agree with mav but with a few additions, you can miss someone after a break up when your in love. Your sad for yourself but it is a lot easier to accept they have moved on and its for the best than with an infatuation for sure.
One other major difference is when your infatuated you are blind to their flaws, usually when you get past it (and why a lot of relationships break up after the infatuation phase) is because their flaws start to creep in and you have to learn to accept them or decide they are too much
I'm not saying you don't miss the person or whatever if it's love, missing people is a natural part of life, regardless of whether you love them or not. But there's a difference between the, "We had fun," kind of missing and the, "Waaaah I want it back," kind of missing.
[QUOTE=BigJoeyLemons;41196266]I'm 6'5", and trust me, you [I]don't[/I] want to be that tall. You never hear the end of it.[/QUOTE]
actually I wouldn't of minded, would of been great for basketball in highschool haha
but yea maybe not that tall but a lot of girls seem to like a sweet spot around 5'11-6'1
[QUOTE=PredGD;41188495]Thanks for the kind reply.
I'm having a hard time convincing myself that she isn't perfect. All I want right now is to message her and meet up with her, even though I know it will hurt. I won't do it because the consequences are far worse than what I'm currently experiencing.
I don't know why but I keep going back to see the picture of her. I miss her, a lot. It hurts when I do it but it hurts when I don't. Wish there was a simple way of forgetting things like these.
One thing which fuels a tiny spark in the little hope I have is that what she wanted to do with her freedom are things she isn't doing. It appears like things didn't turn out the way she expected, or she is coming up with reasons to separate. I think it is the latter.
I don't really know if there is anything to talk about regarding my ex and my current emotional state. I just have to live through it I guess?[/QUOTE]
Just so you know, I'm nearly two weeks into my breakup. And what I can say is for the first week, I was still so in love with her, that I didn't see any of the bad bits, I thought she was perfect. But I messaged her one day, and I come back to reality, she is not perfect, and really, although we had amazing times, we just weren't that suited to each other. I kept looking back on pictures too, and it hurt, I also looked at a little scrapbook we had, it was all just making me miserable. I thought it would never get better, but after just a few days it has gotten better. I'm not saying I'm over her. Right now I look back on the memories we had, and although I want to live them again, I just know I can, but one day I'll meet a new girl and we'll have even better memories.
Onto my little update now, I messaged my ex about two days ago, and through a misunderstanding we argued, and she just cannot let it go, no matter what I've said, and if I'm honest, she's been treating me like shit. All I want to do is just be friends with her, I've been close to her for about a year and it's horrible that it's all going to get thrown away, there's also complications where we have the same group of friends so I'm going to see her often, such as at prom in two weeks where I'll have to sit by her.
Although I feel a lot towards her, I'm now channeling my feelings elsewhere, like I really want to meet a girl this weekend, and we'll really connect, and I just want to do all the little things with her, like holding hands, cuddling up in bed, all that crap because I'm a sucker for it. I think right now I'm just kind of coming off the sort of addiction I had for love, and I just wish that I could cuddle up with someone right now, or even just have a hug. I can't explain it, I just really want to fall in love again.
[editline]26th June 2013[/editline]
Call me a loser or whatever, but I would love to meet a girl when I'm out this weekend, and just take her back to mine, talk all night, maybe watch a film, and just spend the next day together. I have little interest in just hooking up with a girl, having sex and leaving in the middle of the night. But honestly, how likely is it going to be that I'll find someone on a night out who's just going to want to take things slowly?
One of the only girls ive "loved" (hate even typing that word) is in a strong, healthy relationship which has been going on for a year and a 1/2. The guy shes dating is a good guy, and ive never seen her so happy, which in return makes me actually pretty damn happy for her. I get to meet the guy soon, and ill probably give him a pat on the back, and walk my own separate way in life. Which i am much more content with doing that, maintaining a friendship, while shes happy, than causing a big issue, burning bridges, and over-all shitty drama.
[QUOTE=AltUser;41200589]Just so you know, I'm nearly two weeks into my breakup. And what I can say is for the first week, I was still so in love with her, that I didn't see any of the bad bits, I thought she was perfect. But I messaged her one day, and I come back to reality, she is not perfect, and really, although we had amazing times, we just weren't that suited to each other. I kept looking back on pictures too, and it hurt, I also looked at a little scrapbook we had, it was all just making me miserable. I thought it would never get better, but after just a few days it has gotten better. I'm not saying I'm over her. [B]Right now I look back on the memories we had, and although I want to live them again, I just know I can, but one day I'll meet a new girl and we'll have even better memories.[/B][/QUOTE]
I've never thought of it that way before. The sentence I bolded made me really happy. I can't relive these my good times with my ex, but I can with a future one. Why have I never thought of that? Thank you for mentioning that.
And all this crap about infatuation and true love kind of makes sense. I've never heard of the term infatuation before either so things are sort of falling together right now. I don't really understand how the infatuation could have lasted so long? Isn't it something which normally ends by itself after a short time period? I was with my ex for one and a half year.
[QUOTE=PredGD;41201236]I've never thought of it that way before. The sentence I bolded made me really happy. I can't relive these my good times with my ex, but I can with a future one. Why have I never thought of that? Thank you for mentioning that.
And all this crap about infatuation and true love kind of makes sense. I've never heard of the term infatuation before either so things are sort of falling together right now. I don't really understand how the infatuation could have lasted so long? Isn't it something which normally ends by itself after a short time period? I was with my ex for one and a half year.[/QUOTE]
I'm telling you man, we're pretty much going through the same thing, if you fancy a chat about it then I'm good with that, I could've done with one
There's this girl I really love who's on the opposite coast from me, and I'd really like to see her in person, but I'd have to save tons of money for the flight and such. And I'd probably have to wait like 2 years to even think about doing that, since I'm only 16.
Feels bad knowing she'll probably just find a real boyfriend before I can be with her. :I
[editline]asfd[/editline]
I keep getting the urge to ask her out, and nearly do so before realizing how far away she is :v
[QUOTE=AltUser;41201294]I'm telling you man, we're pretty much going through the same thing, if you fancy a chat about it then I'm good with that, I could've done with one[/quote]
Right now I don't feel the immediate need of having a chat or talking about my issues anymore, but I'll gladly chat with you about love and stuff if you feel the need of it? I can't right now though, so it'll have to wait for tomorrow.
[QUOTE=fear me;41201316]There's this girl I really love who's on the opposite coast from me, and I'd really like to see her in person, but I'd have to save tons of money for the flight and such. And I'd probably have to wait like 2 years to even think about doing that, since I'm only 16.
Feels bad knowing she'll probably just find a real boyfriend before I can be with her. :I
[editline]asfd[/editline]
I keep getting the urge to ask her out, and nearly do so before realizing how far away she is :v[/QUOTE]
I can somewhat relate to what you're saying, first of all, you're 16, you have so much ahead of you, and the thing is, you'll probably meet a girl yourself before you even see her in two years! The second thing is, Over a year ago I thought this girl was perfect, I admired her, she was everything that was right in a woman, I absolutely adored her, you get the picture. Well, I couldn't have her at the time, but after half a year we started dating, yeah, it was good, but 9 months later down the line, that girl who I fell for, she's my ex and I realised she is far from perfect.
What I am trying to say to you is no matter how much you like, or love this girl, she is not likely to be that great really, you kind of want what you can't have. And the last thing you want is to spend all that money on seeing this girl, the facts are, the distance is stopping you. It may be hard, but just accept that it won't happen, and start taking an interest in girls in your area, it will benefit you much more, trust me.
[editline]26th June 2013[/editline]
[QUOTE=PredGD;41201481]Right now I don't feel the immediate need of having a chat or talking about my issues anymore, but I'll gladly chat with you about love and stuff if you feel the need of it? I can't right now though, so it'll have to wait for tomorrow.[/QUOTE]
I don't mind really, if you want to chat then that's cool with me, I'm always here to help really, and its always nice to talk to someone who knows what you're going through. So it's up to you really, I'm good either way.
Why is there no "depressing" rating?
my gf just broke up with me 2 days ago
she says she misses how nice i used to be but i only became a mean person after being with her
and how she's hurt that i wouldn't give her 100% of my time even if i had an exam coming up that i should have just stayed with her instead of studying or anything
i told her okay, i'll never hurt you again, i hope you find someone who will be there for you.
then we were back to being friends and everything was okay
though i didn't want to let her go i didn't want to hurt her anymore for being myself and i feel kind of empty now
what do
[editline]26th June 2013[/editline]
i do now
[QUOTE=PredGD;41201236]I don't really understand how the infatuation could have lasted so long? Isn't it something which normally ends by itself after a short time period? I was with my ex for one and a half year.[/QUOTE]
Infatuation can last up to 3 years, which seems to be cutoff point for maximum length if you disregard the rare outliers. Depends how compatible you are with the person. If there are just way too many glaring problems, the infatuation ends quicker, your brain pretty much gets tired of pretending that bullshit doesn't exist. If there aren't too many problems, it lasts longer.
How often you see the person also affects it. If you see them every single day, spend every moment with them, it doesn't last as long. You get burnt out, so to speak. Hence why high school age relationships don't last long, because you're seeing that person every day, probably spending time together both in and outside of school. Infatuation can last many, many years if it's a long distance relationship with only occasional physical contact.
A year and a half is really nothing special. Sounds just about right to me, there's nothing anomalous about that length.
Hell, I remember a good friend of mine in high school being in a relationship with a massive douche that was going on for nearly 3 years. Then, pretty much a day after their 3 year anniversary (at which point they were still all lovey-dovey infatuated) he just snapped and beat the shit out of her. Like his infatuation turned off overnight and he finally activated his ultra-douche mode the second she said something wrong.
[QUOTE=PredGD;41201236]I've never thought of it that way before. The sentence I bolded made me really happy. I can't relive these my good times with my ex, but I can with a future one. Why have I never thought of that? Thank you for mentioning that.
And all this crap about infatuation and true love kind of makes sense. I've never heard of the term infatuation before either so things are sort of falling together right now. I don't really understand how the infatuation could have lasted so long? Isn't it something which normally ends by itself after a short time period? I was with my ex for one and a half year.[/QUOTE]
when you genuinely love someone you'll know it, it's much different than just craving to be around someone and getting upset when that's taken away from you. if someone needs to ask the internet whether their feelings for someone are legitimate or not because they can't tell, then that should answer the question for them.
It's okay, I told a group of the not so law abiding guys I knew (who absolutely loved the girl, she's probably the only mad hot girl I've ever met who's actually really cool to hang out with) and nobody ever saw the guy again. I don't think they killed him or anything hardcore like that, probably just scared him back to Mexico.
but being in love isn't like attaining enlightenment or something, it just means realizing there's more to a partnership than obsession and clinginess.
[editline]26th June 2013[/editline]
AUTOMERGE
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;41202646]but being in love isn't like attaining enlightenment or something, it just means realizing there's more to a partnership than obsession and clinginess.
[editline]26th June 2013[/editline]
AUTOMERGE[/QUOTE]
i just wish my gf knew that
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;41202619]when you genuinely love someone you'll know it, it's much different than just craving to be around someone and getting upset when that's taken away from you. if someone needs to ask the internet whether their feelings for someone are legitimate or not because they can't tell, then that should answer the question for them.[/QUOTE]
I was never questioning my feelings towards my ex, and I've always believed that I've been in love. Now that I know of this infatuation thing, I'm not too sure anymore. I don't believe it was real love anymore due to how our relationship was and how things were done. It all pieces perfectly with this infatuation thing.
go out with girl to the movies a couple of times
went well
girl is depressed, comes and goes
quiet lately, been doing this for the last couple of years
wat do
[QUOTE=PredGD;41202719]I was never questioning my feelings towards my ex, and I've always believed that I've been in love. Now that I know of this infatuation thing, I'm not too sure anymore. I don't believe it was real love anymore due to how our relationship was and how things were done. It all pieces perfectly with this infatuation thing.[/QUOTE]
no matter what decide to call your emotions, being selfish and caring more about how a person can benefit you than how they personally feel toward your relationship isn't something to glorify.
[editline]26th June 2013[/editline]
and as a teenager the areas of your brain associated with logical thought processes and the ability to feel empathy for others aren't fully developed yet. so it's very unlikely someone still in high school has genuinely felt love for another person at that point in their life.
[QUOTE=ZenX2;41195942]Where is the line between infatuation and love?[/QUOTE]
infatuation has a legit biological basis and love doesn't really lol
in fact having sex with someone makes it easier to be infatuated because sex releases hormones that your body becomes attached to, and you start to feel sad when you dont receive this burst of hormones after a while
[QUOTE=MaverickIB;41202329]Infatuation can last up to 3 years, which seems to be cutoff point for maximum length if you disregard the rare outliers. Depends how compatible you are with the person. If there are just way too many glaring problems, the infatuation ends quicker, your brain pretty much gets tired of pretending that bullshit doesn't exist. If there aren't too many problems, it lasts longer.
How often you see the person also affects it. If you see them every single day, spend every moment with them, it doesn't last as long. You get burnt out, so to speak. Hence why high school age relationships don't last long, because you're seeing that person every day, probably spending time together both in and outside of school. Infatuation can last many, many years if it's a long distance relationship with only occasional physical contact.
A year and a half is really nothing special. Sounds just about right to me, there's nothing anomalous about that length.
Hell, I remember a good friend of mine in high school being in a relationship with a massive douche that was going on for nearly 3 years. Then, pretty much a day after their 3 year anniversary (at which point they were still all lovey-dovey infatuated) he just snapped and beat the shit out of her. Like his infatuation turned off overnight and he finally activated his ultra-douche mode the second she said something wrong.[/QUOTE]
I find this really interesting, thinking back, maybe I just had infatuation instead of loving my ex, I'm not really sure about it all. But I suppose that doesn't matter now, because all I know is that I really did enjoy being with her, even if we can't be together anymore. I just hope that for future relationships that it is genuine love that I feel.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;41202817]no matter what decide to call your emotions, being selfish and caring more about how a person can benefit you than how they personally feel toward your relationship isn't something to glorify.
[editline]26th June 2013[/editline]
and as a teenager the areas of your brain associated with logical thought processes and the ability to feel empathy for others aren't fully developed yet. so it's very unlikely someone still in high school has genuinely felt love for another person at that point in their life.[/QUOTE]
im in my 20s and i know for a fact ive never loved any girl.
every relationship ive had has been because i had a romantic ideal of what was supposed to happen, a romanticisation of a "wild love", and if i found someone i could project that onto i'd pursue them, regardless of what their actual personality is.
then id get disappointed if they dont match up this expectation and lose interest, and sometimes that would take years
i dont think ill really experience love until this romantic notion of what it should be dies off and gets replaced with guarded cynicism instead
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