Super Friendly Social and Love Advice V6 - JUST FUCKING ASK HER OUT

[Riku2211]

[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;40196513]it's nobody else's right to judge whether you're moving "too fast", it's up to the individual. some people are more casual about sex than others.[/QUOTE]

Yeah this is entirely true. I just feel like one should be careful about it. In my last relationship we were pretty casual but still went a bit too fast and we ended up focusing too much on that part of the relationship which pretty much ruined it. That's what I meant by "not necessarily bad", it's different for everybody.

[Bellminator]

Me and my GF finally broke things off the other day. While I'm still a little depressed over the whole ordeal it wasn't as bad as it usually is considering the relationship had been causing me more harm than good over the past couple of weeks.

Overall I just wish she would have given me a reason as to why things suddenly went down the shitter. I'm very much of a "learn from your mistakes" kind of guy, and she just kept saying that it wasn't my fault and that she just "isn't good with commitment". Which I suppose could be true for some people, but I had to have done something wrong for her to go from loving my guts to not even wanting to talk to me...

[GeneralMoosen]

How well should you know some on before you ask them out?

[Slowbro]

Well the reason you ask someone out is to get to know them.

So it doesn't matter really.

[MindMuncher]

If you're physically touching her then you're moving too fast.

I mean, you're not even married yet, you can't be spiritually connected enough to truly appreciate her flesh.

[Dr-Amazing]

[QUOTE=MindMuncher;40200152]If you're physically touching her then you're moving too fast.

I mean, you're not even married yet, you can't be spiritually connected enough to truly appreciate her flesh.[/QUOTE]
:suicide:

[Splash Attack]

[QUOTE=MindMuncher;40200152]If you're physically touching her then you're moving too fast.

I mean, you're not even married yet, you can't be spiritually connected enough to truly appreciate her flesh.[/QUOTE]

Don't worry, I truly appreciate her flesh. :wink:

[Agoat]

[QUOTE=Bellmanator;40198929]Me and my GF finally broke things off the other day. While I'm still a little depressed over the whole ordeal it wasn't as bad as it usually is considering the relationship had been causing me more harm than good over the past couple of weeks.

Overall I just wish she would have given me a reason as to why things suddenly went down the shitter. I'm very much of a "learn from your mistakes" kind of guy, and she just kept saying that it wasn't my fault and that she just "isn't good with commitment". Which I suppose could be true for some people, but I had to have done something wrong for her to go from loving my guts to not even wanting to talk to me...[/QUOTE]

Sometimes people just drift apart. There isn't always a grand reason as to why things ending, it just happens. Don't sweat it, and instead focus on bettering yourself and being a rock star.

[Midget576]

-snip- dealt with

[JaegerMonster]

[QUOTE=SleepyAl;40191228]Yeah, a big problem for me is that I overthink wayyyy too much. I think about all the ways I could fuck it up, all the reasons why she would say no, reasons she could have previously been interested in me but something I did turned her off, social gaffs I could do if she said yes, the fact that I shake a bit thanks to my meds and if she'd see that as nervousness and get turned off, if she knows how meek and unassuming I am and thinks of that as a turn-off, etc. And if I think positively it jumps straight to relationship and all the fears and expectations associated with that.

God, it's just such a horrible feeling in my chest. Uncertainty swallows me up, and then anxiety adds to the cocktail, making me feel like there's this black hole where my heart would be. I know I'm probably going to be depressed if she says no and depressed if she says yes. I just wish I could be chill about it.[/QUOTE]

Okay heres the good news: what you experience happens to literally every other man on the planet who is inexperienced. Shit it still happens to even the most experienced. Its a natural reaction to a potentially embarassing situation, just like public speaking or any other activity.

Bad news: You're just gonna have to barrel through it. Too many people want to know the secret to success before they do the thing they are trying to succeed at. Here is the secret: you do the thing and then you gain the power/knowledge - thats true of pretty much everything in life I feel.

The only way you are going to get through your social anxiety is by immersing youself in social situations. Accept failure already, accept that you might get rejected. Easier said than done yes, but its the only way.

Another thing to keep in mind, is stop putting this or any woman on a pedestal. At the end of the day, shes just another human being on this big dumb gay rock we call earth. Theres literally billions of us, why should you place so much importance on one girl? Practically what you are doing is offering her a chance to be a part of YOUR life, if she doesnt want to, its her loss, move on.

Be assertive, take a risk. You learn more from failure than you do from success, so stop looking it as a do or die situation and look at it as a chance to learn from an experience and overcome your fears.

[Thechuz]

[QUOTE=SleepyAl;40191228]Yeah, a big problem for me is that I overthink wayyyy too much. I think about all the ways I could fuck it up, all the reasons why she would say no, reasons she could have previously been interested in me but something I did turned her off, social gaffs I could do if she said yes, the fact that I shake a bit thanks to my meds and if she'd see that as nervousness and get turned off, if she knows how meek and unassuming I am and thinks of that as a turn-off, etc. And if I think positively it jumps straight to relationship and all the fears and expectations associated with that.

God, it's just such a horrible feeling in my chest. Uncertainty swallows me up, and then anxiety adds to the cocktail, making me feel like there's this black hole where my heart would be. I know I'm probably going to be depressed if she says no and depressed if she says yes. I just wish I could be chill about it.[/QUOTE]

I thought the same as you, I just pondered about what I could do wrong, even after I started going out with her I wasn't happy despite I should be, it was me that was depressing myself. Eventually my girlfriend said to me not to worry as it'll only make things worse between us, it was hard but eventually I agreed and stopped panicking over things that are so unlikely to happen. Things are fantastic between us now.

My girlfriend also rejected me the first time I asked her out and I felt like fucking shit for months, I'd liked her for over three years and after she said no, I was pretty much depressed. I asked again after months of going out with each other with friends and she said 'finally', she just wasn't ready when I first asked her. All I'm saying is, if it goes wrong, so be it, but it can always sort itself out later.

[OogalaBoogal]

[QUOTE=Midget576;40203994]I'm not sure how I should go about this post. Here's the situation. I recently broke up with my girlfriend (Its been about a week). I told her it was because I didn't want to deal with a long distance relationship after our trip to Vegas, but it was actually because I'm dying of Pneumonia. But I never told her about my illness.

I don't know what to do, I was told on another thread to call her and tell her, that it be for her own good. My parents told me to just leave it alone. I'm not sure what my actions should be, please advise.[/QUOTE]

I'd tell her, but I have absolutely no qualifications or experience with this, so my advice is kind of useless.

[JaegerMonster]

[QUOTE=lil_n00blett;40191559]be really cold toward him until he connects the dots[/QUOTE]

What?

DONT do this. This is some cowardly passive aggressive shit.

Confront him on his behavior or tell him to leave you the fuck alone.

[Insulator]

I've been single for 4 years since a breakup and drama that demolished my personality. I have a very affectionate personality, and 4 years of being alone is starting to make me go crazy.

I worked up the courage to ask this girl out at work after we've been flirting for weeks. Every day she'd be blushing when I would talk to her, smiling at me, purposefully brushing into me. She had all the signs that I might be actually dating her, and I was happier than I'd been in years. I couldn't believe it, I was finally going to have another chance! It's the greatest feeling in the world...

Until she rejected me and told me she already has a boyfriend, then asked me if I was okay. I felt so used. I feel like just a plaything to give her some self-reassurance that she's a beautiful girl. Or maybe I'm just cursed, forced to keep seeking love and being within arms reach of it and having it yanked away from me. I wish I could make myself happy without needing affection, but I don't want to be a numb, cold-hearted person. If I have to wait much longer and be rejected a few more times, it may be too late...

[OogalaBoogal]

[QUOTE=Insulator;40209694]I've been single for 4 years since a breakup and drama that demolished my personality. I have a very affectionate personality, and 4 years of being alone is starting to make me go crazy.

I worked up the courage to ask this girl out at work after we've been flirting for weeks. Every day she'd be blushing when I would talk to her, smiling at me, purposefully brushing into me. She had all the signs that I might be actually dating her, and I was happier than I'd been in years. I couldn't believe it, I was finally going to have another chance! It's the greatest feeling in the world...

Until she rejected me and told me she already has a boyfriend, then asked me if I was okay. I felt so used. I feel like just a plaything to give her some self-reassurance that she's a beautiful girl. Or maybe I'm just cursed, forced to keep seeking love and being within arms reach of it and having it yanked away from me. I wish I could make myself happy without needing affection, but I don't want to be a numb, cold-hearted person. If I have to wait much longer and be rejected a few more times, it may be too late...[/QUOTE]

You're not cursed. Keep on trying, it's never too late. Meet new people and I'm sure your views will change!

[Splash Attack]

[QUOTE=Insulator;40209694]I've been single for 4 years since a breakup and drama that demolished my personality. I have a very affectionate personality, and 4 years of being alone is starting to make me go crazy.

I worked up the courage to ask this girl out at work after we've been flirting for weeks. Every day she'd be blushing when I would talk to her, smiling at me, purposefully brushing into me. She had all the signs that I might be actually dating her, and I was happier than I'd been in years. I couldn't believe it, I was finally going to have another chance! It's the greatest feeling in the world...

Until she rejected me and told me she already has a boyfriend, then asked me if I was okay. I felt so used. I feel like just a plaything to give her some self-reassurance that she's a beautiful girl. Or maybe I'm just cursed, forced to keep seeking love and being within arms reach of it and having it yanked away from me. I wish I could make myself happy without needing affection, but I don't want to be a numb, cold-hearted person. If I have to wait much longer and be rejected a few more times, it may be too late...[/QUOTE]

It's possible that you may not have asked her out soon enough. You did say you were flirting for weeks, after all. From here, your best bet is to just move on and seek out other women.

Regardless, I wouldn't make such a big deal about being single. Dwelling on how unhappy you are or how much it sucks being single will consume you and only make things worse. It had been three years since my last relationship and yet, just a week or two ago, I found myself right back in one. The same could very well happen for you.

[socks]

[QUOTE=Midget576;40203994]I'm not sure how I should go about this post. Here's the situation. I recently broke up with my girlfriend (Its been about a week). I told her it was because I didn't want to deal with a long distance relationship after our trip to Vegas, but it was actually because I'm dying of Pneumonia. But I never told her about my illness.

I don't know what to do, I was told on another thread to call her and tell her, that it be for her own good. My parents told me to just leave it alone. I'm not sure what my actions should be, please advise.[/QUOTE]

Holy crap man, I am so sorry. :(

[timothy80]

I'm not sure what to do about this. My ex can't seem to decide if she still loves me or not. This has gone on for a few weeks and I'm about tired of it.

I still love her but I'm just to the point I wish she would decide already.

[OogalaBoogal]

[QUOTE=timothy80;40214074]I'm not sure what to do about this. My ex can't seem to decide if she still loves me or not. This has gone on for a few weeks and I'm about tired of it.

I still love her but I'm just to the point I wish she would decide already.[/QUOTE]

Did you tell her how you feel?

[Guy Mannly]

[QUOTE=timothy80;40214074]I'm not sure what to do about this. My ex can't seem to decide if she still loves me or not. This has gone on for a few weeks and I'm about tired of it.

I still love her but I'm just to the point I wish she would decide already.[/QUOTE]

if the answer to oogala's question is yes then the answer to hers is no
if she doesn't care about your feelings toward the whole thing and whether she's hurting you then it's an abuse of the word 'love' to claim that's what she feels

[editline]8th April 2013[/editline]

of course this is assuming you haven't done something bad to make her rethink things

[Gobo]

So I'm not sure if this is the thread for this but I want to vent it somewhere.

So me and this girl met about 3 and a half years ago when I got hired to work out of this retail store, we flirted for a couple weeks before we started dating. Most beautiful woman I've ever seen and she was actually into me, which was hard to believe since I'd been single for a year or two before that. Over the next few years we became inseparable, madly in love, and her family couldn't get enough of me to boot. While this was happening I was going through the paperwork of joining the US Air Force, something that I didn't have the courage or motivation to do before her. But she made me into the man I could never be by myself.

Fast forward to last November, I flew her out to England to meet my parents and take a vacation. While we were there I took her out to the cathedral in Peterborough, and amongst the Christmas lights and scenery, I proposed to her. She said yes, it was the happiest moment of my life. Two weeks later I was called early out to Basic Training.

During Basic we got one phone call a week(if we were lucky), and I always called her. she was my strength, my reason to get through that hellhole and every time I called I was reminded of how lucky I was. 8 weeks after that I graduated Basic and moved to technical training, basically college under military supervision. I've been here since, we've been skyping, texting and calling several times a week, either just to talk or to plan the wedding.

Well all the wedding planning was leading up to a wedding here last Saturday, but 3 days before that, I came home from work to a Dear John and the engagement ring. She basically told me she doesn't love me anymore, that she can't go on with this anymore. She apologized over and over, said it wasn't anything I did or didn't do. It just sort of happened. It's been nearly a week, I cant pay attention in class, I haven't slept in days, I'm slipping at work. I've become a crazy, emotional wreck. My friends want me to see the chaplain, my family is trying to paint her as a bad person to make me feel better, but I can't stop thinking about her.

She was my everything, I've had plenty of relationships before this, i'm not exactly the youngest guy. this has effected me differently though. I truly believed that I loved her, that she loved me. I thought she was the end. I was prepared to devote myself to a life with her, and now I have nothing. I don't know what to do with myself now.

If this is in the wrong thread i apologize, and I'll snip it.

[Jo The Shmo]

ok now thats a real issue, i think i have solved mine

[Riku2211]

[QUOTE=Midget576;40203994]I'm not sure how I should go about this post. Here's the situation. I recently broke up with my girlfriend (Its been about a week). I told her it was because I didn't want to deal with a long distance relationship after our trip to Vegas, but it was actually because I'm dying of Pneumonia. But I never told her about my illness.

I don't know what to do, I was told on another thread to call her and tell her, that it be for her own good. My parents told me to just leave it alone. I'm not sure what my actions should be, please advise.[/QUOTE]

Oh man. I am so sorry.

The way I see it, I think I'd prefer to tell her in the end (though, that is a really tough decision to make), so that she doesn't think there might have been another reason you broke up with her; if you're still together, she knows you still love her. As well as this, if my significant other were terminal I'd want to be with them, regardless how painful it would be.

On the other hand, this would be incredibly tragic for her. How well she'd cope with it, only you would know, most likely.

I guess imo honesty is most always the best policy, as cliche as that is. It just feels like nothing should be left incorrect like that, no one misinformed. Also, I don't know really, but there's a chance she could find out afterward as well, and would be pretty terrible for her then, too. I'm not really sure man.

Whenever I post advice here I feel under-qualified. I do the best I can, but I don't know if you should really listen to me 100%. I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say. Best of luck to you, man.

[SleepyAl]

[QUOTE=JaegerMonster;40204177]Okay heres the good news: what you experience happens to literally every other man on the planet who is inexperienced. Shit it still happens to even the most experienced. Its a natural reaction to a potentially embarassing situation, just like public speaking or any other activity.

Bad news: You're just gonna have to barrel through it. Too many people want to know the secret to success before they do the thing they are trying to succeed at. Here is the secret: you do the thing and then you gain the power/knowledge - thats true of pretty much everything in life I feel.

The only way you are going to get through your social anxiety is by immersing youself in social situations. Accept failure already, accept that you might get rejected. Easier said than done yes, but its the only way.

Another thing to keep in mind, is stop putting this or any woman on a pedestal. At the end of the day, shes just another human being on this big dumb gay rock we call earth. Theres literally billions of us, why should you place so much importance on one girl? Practically what you are doing is offering her a chance to be a part of YOUR life, if she doesnt want to, its her loss, move on.

Be assertive, take a risk. You learn more from failure than you do from success, so stop looking it as a do or die situation and look at it as a chance to learn from an experience and overcome your fears.[/QUOTE]

I'm actually in class with her right now (it hasn't started yet), and I'm terrified. She looks really good today, and I'd like to compliment her, but the way the room is set up (rectangular meeting table) I don't have an opportunity. I sit 3 seats away from her, but there's people in between us and no real line of sight. She's talking to other people and I feel like it's a barrier. I'm hoping to talk to her after class since it's about to start, but I'm really intimidated.

[editline]9th April 2013[/editline]

Nope, pussied out.

I did talk to her, though. I caught up with her by the elevator, we talked for a bit, she said she was really stressed out due to her classes and the fact that she's graduating soon, I asked her about her classes, we talked about the honors program and how much she regretted taking it (it offers no benefits, tons of work and they "shove Catholicism down your throat") and it just didn't feel like the right time to ask her if she wanted to meet up one day and draw something or study together or get a cup of coffee or whatever I could say.

This is starting to affect my physical health at this point, which is ridiculous. I missed my classes yesterday because I was depressed (woke up at 5:30pm), I'm nauseous right now, my thoughts are racing and my heart is pounding. She's really the only girl I've ever felt this way before, I've had crushes but this is just way too consuming.

I know there's plenty of people out there for me but my school is a party school full of business majors so there aren't many girls like her who aren't, well, fake. Barely anyone has an interest in art or is a Psych major, which is not a requirement of course but having things in common is nice and being a creative, thoughtful person is a real plus for me. I'm just worried that I'll graduate and be thrust into the world with no experience whatsoever.

God, I feel sick. Social anxiety sucks.

[Dark_Light]

I'm just going to say this much for what it's worth: You're over thinking the fuck out of this. You're planning way too much and it's only making it harder for yourself and all of the expectations and idealisations that you're projecting onto her and this entire thing are only going to make it sting more if it falls through.

But that's okay though. You already know all of this. And you need these lessons. You need to fuck up and you need to fuck up and you need to fuck up again so long as each time you pick yourself back up and learn something from it, every single time. Fail brilliantly, for all failure is feedback. You're worried that you'll graduate with no experience; that's good, that's a legitimate concern and it's one that you are currently facing and making an effort to improve upon. If it doesn't happen with this girl, that isn't an excuse for you to fall into a rut of self-pity and loathing, that isn't reason for you to give up, to take it as an affirmation that you are awkward and pathetic and won't ever be able to make a girl smile--rather, it's a step, a small one, maybe even the first one, but definitely a scary one, and one that you are currently taking. Now that takes courage. That takes commitment. That takes a certain level of self-respect and a desire to push oneself out of one's comfort zone in the hope that that zone will expand with each shove. So fucking embrace it.

Because this is where you're at right now, and trust me when I say that a lot of guys went through what you're going through right now. I know I did. When you describe those feelings, that toxic, leaden feeling in your chest when you're around her, the countless thoughts racing through your mind when you just try to talk to her, that anxiety, that physical sickness from feeling so low and empty and grey, that feeling of absolute hopelessness and despondency in the face of everything; I know where you're coming from, man, I do.

And I want you to know that it gets better, that you will get better, that the days will be brighter and that your chest will be lighter and that talking to someone who you'd like to know will one day come as easily as the air into your lungs. You just need to keep pushing yourself. You need to keep pushing at the outer edges of your comfort zone because it's going to fucking give way eventually, I assure you. Don't sink back into where it's comfortable. Don't fall back on old excuses and old patterns. You are so much better than that. You are so much stronger than your mind wants you to believe. A day will come when you'll be able to look back on these posts and smile, and it's wholly up to you when that day comes.

Small steps, man. For all of us.

/pui inspirational speech

[editline]10th April 2013[/editline]

Jaeger's post is also 100% on point so read that a thousand times.

[SleepyAl]

[QUOTE=Dark_Light;40219480]I'm just going to say this much for what it's worth: You're over thinking the fuck out of this. You're planning way too much and it's only making it harder for yourself and all of the expectations and idealisations that you're projecting onto her and this entire thing are only going to make it sting more if it falls through.

But that's okay though. You already know all of this. And you need these lessons. You need to fuck up and you need to fuck up and you need to fuck up again so long as each time you pick yourself back up and learn something from it, every single time. Fail brilliantly, for all failure is feedback. You're worried that you'll graduate with no experience; that's good, that's a legitimate concern and it's one that you are currently facing and making an effort to improve upon. If it doesn't happen with this girl, that isn't an excuse for you to fall into a rut of self-pity and loathing, that isn't reason for you to give up, to take it as an affirmation that you are awkward and pathetic and won't ever be able to make a girl smile--rather, it's a step, a small one, maybe even the first one, but definitely a scary one, and one that you are currently taking. Now that takes courage. That takes commitment. That takes a certain level of self-respect and a desire to push oneself out of one's comfort zone in the hope that that zone will expand with each shove. So fucking embrace it.

Because this is where you're at right now, and trust me when I say that a lot of guys went through what you're going through right now. I know I did. When you describe those feelings, that toxic, leaden feeling in your chest when you're around her, the countless thoughts racing through your mind when you just try to talk to her, that anxiety, that physical sickness from feeling so low and empty and grey, that feeling of absolute hopelessness and despondency in the face of everything; I know where you're coming from, man, I do.

And I want you to know that it gets better, that you will get better, that the days will be brighter and that your chest will be lighter and that talking to someone who you'd like to know will one day come as easily as the air into your lungs. You just need to keep pushing yourself. You need to keep pushing at the outer edges of your comfort zone because it's going to fucking give way eventually, I assure you. Don't sink back into where it's comfortable. Don't fall back on old excuses and old patterns. You are so much better than that. You are so much stronger than your mind wants you to believe. A day will come when you'll be able to look back on these posts and smile, and it's wholly up to you when that day comes.

Small steps, man. For all of us.

/pui inspirational speech

[editline]10th April 2013[/editline]

Jaeger's post is also 100% on point so read that a thousand times.[/QUOTE]

I really want to thank both you and Jaeger, you've really given me something to think about (but not overthink of course!). I'll see her Friday, so I'm just going to try and keep myself occupied and not think about it, and Friday we'll see how it goes, if it seems like the right time to ask her out I will, and if not I might as well try anyways and deal with the aftermath.

[fritzel]

[QUOTE=GeneralMoosen;40200059]How well should you know some on before you ask them out?[/QUOTE]

If she doesn't mind "Get in the van" jokes :v:

[editline]9th April 2013[/editline]

[QUOTE=Insulator;40209694]I've been single for 4 years since a breakup and drama that demolished my personality. I have a very affectionate personality, and 4 years of being alone is starting to make me go crazy.

I worked up the courage to ask this girl out at work after we've been flirting for weeks. Every day she'd be blushing when I would talk to her, smiling at me, purposefully brushing into me. She had all the signs that I might be actually dating her, and I was happier than I'd been in years. I couldn't believe it, I was finally going to have another chance! It's the greatest feeling in the world...

Until she rejected me and told me she already has a boyfriend, then asked me if I was okay. I felt so used. I feel like just a plaything to give her some self-reassurance that she's a beautiful girl. Or maybe I'm just cursed, forced to keep seeking love and being within arms reach of it and having it yanked away from me. I wish I could make myself happy without needing affection, but I don't want to be a numb, cold-hearted person. If I have to wait much longer and be rejected a few more times, it may be too late...[/QUOTE]

To be frank, my personality is just like you. Mostly things bite me when I am feeling alone. Otherwise when I am solitary, doing anything that keeps me occupied, I don't get such thoughts. I feel much better when my life is not in another hand.

Have this:

[video=youtube;Njmp-QGRd0M]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Njmp-QGRd0M[/video]

[ardosos]

When asking someone out, how would someone make it clear that they wish to go on the date or whatever as more than friends, without explicitly stating so?

[Jo The Shmo]

[QUOTE=Ardosos;40223026]When asking someone out, how would someone make it clear that they wish to go on the date or whatever as more than friends, without explicitly stating so?[/QUOTE]

explicitly state it, why not?

[ardosos]

[QUOTE=Jo The Shmo;40223031]explicitly state it, why not?[/QUOTE]

Everyone I've talked to about the subject has told me that's socially unacceptable for some reason.