Jeffrey was Always Taking My Things ("8.5 Cheesewheels out of 10" says Wisconsin Review!)
23 replies, posted
I was always willing to believe in anything, growing up. I'm entirely too trusting, that's one of the things which makes me a really naturally great guy. Just ask (almost) anyone! So when my dad's best friend told me that a boy named Jeffrey was stealing my things, I had no reason to doubt his word. Some little bastard was swiping my stuff.
At first the missing items weren't anything too precious to a seven year old. I might come home one day to discover that a pair of boots had gone missing. I would fruitlessly search for them, but the boots, or whatever object it was that was missing, were gone. So I would go to ask my dad's best friend Chuck, who was naturally babysitting me any time something went missing, and ask him if [i]he[/i] had seen my boots.
"The little green ones?" He would ask. "I gave those to Jeffrey."
[i]Who the hell does this kid think he is,[/i] I would think (in considerably more kid-friendly terms). [i]Those were MY boots![/i]
Of course, it didn't stop there. Jeffrey couldn't keep his grubby little fingers off of my shit, and he grew progressively bolder. Gloves, shoes, toys, even my Sacred and Revered Mickey Mouse Hat (a hat for which I once peed in a boy's shoes during naptime at kindercare for blaspheming against); nothing was safe. He even started preemptively stealing things that I didn't even [i]have[/i].
"Sorry," Chuck would say as he walked in the door. "I brought some cookies for you, but Jeffrey took them."
Or Chuck might kneel in front of me and somberly say, "Bad news, bud. Your dad got you a new bike, but Jeffrey needed it more."
That little bastard even stole Christmas one year. I didn't know who Jeffrey was, but I [i]hated[/i] him.
Everything that was taken was returned as soon as I'd forgotten it was missing, ensuring that my hatred for that thieving little shit was refreshed and sustained for as long as possible. I began hiding my things from Jeffrey. Precious items went under the bed, or behind my desk, or were crammed into shoes (of course I didn't realize at the time that I'd be doubly fucked if Jeffrey just stole my shoes), but nothing seemed to help. When Jeffrey couldn't take corporeal objects, he just went back to stealing shit that I didn't actually have, and for some reason that made me even angrier.
Jeffrey was even used as threat of punishment. If I were doing something I wasn't supposed to, Chuck might say, "I was going to get you some ice cream, but if you don't calm down I might just give it to Jeffrey instead."
Obviously Chuck was lying. There was never a Jeffrey, Chuck just thought it would be funny to hide my things and blame it on somebody else. My dad played along, because he also thought it was funny. Apparently the only person who didn't think it was funny was me, because I wasn't yet sage enough to realize that I was the butt of the joke.
As an unintended side effect of their mischievous tomfoolery, I developed a strong moral repulsion to theft. Anybody who wants to steal my shoes now is going to have a hell of a fight on their hands, and if I'm ever a juror for a home-robber, he'd just better have a taste for prison food!
Nobody (cool) is going to argue the point: it [b]is[/b] fun to fuck with childrens' heads. Absolutely! But perhaps when you have kids, pinning all their woes on an imaginary archrival isn't the best way to do it. It may lead to unforeseen consequences. The devil didn't steal your shoes, your dad's friend did because he thought it'd be funny.
[editline]11th January 2011[/editline]
Chuck was going to send me a birthday cake, but Jeffrey took it off his windowsill.
Where is the satisfaction in fooling a child?
Your dad sounds like an ass.
[editline]11th January 2011[/editline]
and chuck too, obviously
:golfclap:
BDA does it again.
[QUOTE=Greaterbeing;27350376]where is the satisfaction in fooling a child
your dad sounds like an ass
[editline]11th January 2011[/editline]
and chuck too obviously[/QUOTE]
There is a [b]lot[/b] of fun to be had in fooling children. :colbert:
Mean fun, but still fun.
is this some kind of metaphor for satan
As bad as it is, I really enjoy telling lies to my young nephew and niece. I told them I'd been in prison for murder and they're pretty scared of me.
Great post.. although it is a bit fucked up that they did that.
My dad thought when I was running around the house one day (I was like 3 or 4) to trip me. I got carpet burn. But I stopped running around the house.
I also have a horrible habit of getting fried chicken, and tearing off the best part. The 'skin'. I've done it for years until one day the memory finally hit me. My dad had told me if I ate the fried greasy crunchy 'skin' off fried chicken I'd go deaf like my grandpa. So now whenever I get chicken I tear it off. And I realize he did that so HE could eat it! I eat it sometimes now, and I never believed it made you deaf. I just think for that split second when I was like 5 or 6 I believed him.. and made it a habit.
Now I'm going to Bojangle's, and I bet I'll tear it off that chicken too. (Although I tend to eat some of it now. It's pretty damn good at some places).
Beautiful
The text, that is.
[QUOTE=JeffAndersen;27350558]Great post.. although it is a bit fucked up that they did that.
My dad thought when I was running around the house one day (I was like 3 or 4) to trip me. I got carpet burn. But I stopped running around the house.
I also have a horrible habit of getting fried chicken, and tearing off the best part. The 'skin'. I've done it for years until one day the memory finally hit me. My dad had told me if I ate the fried greasy crunchy 'skin' off fried chicken I'd go deaf like my grandpa. So now whenever I get chicken I tear it off. And I realize he did that so HE could eat it! I eat it sometimes now, and I never believed it made you deaf. I just think for that split second when I was like 5 or 6 I believed him.. and made it a habit.
Now I'm going to Bojangle's, and I bet I'll tear it off that chicken too. (Although I tend to eat some of it now. It's pretty damn good at some places).[/QUOTE]
I used to really like black olives until my uncle told me they were bug eyes.
I'm going to do this when I have kids.
At least it's not as bad as your Dad telling you that there a tigers in the woods which were down the bottom of my road. When we went walking there he used to snap twigs and go "Was that a tiger". I was so scared I wouldn't leave the house :saddowns:
[QUOTE=Simples;27350675]At least it's not as bad as your Dad telling you that there a tigers in the woods which were down the bottom of my road. When we went walking there he used to snap twigs and go "Was that a tiger". I was so scared I wouldn't leave the house :saddowns:[/QUOTE]
Haha, my dad did something like that once to a friend and me. We were slowly driving down this narrow dirt road deep the woods with the roof off, and dad goes into this long tale about witch trials, and how women all over the area were accused of being witches, and how many were even killed for it. He told us that a long time ago those woods had been home to a woman who was supposedly over a hundred years old, a woman who captured and ate children, and used their bones for dark rituals.
One day a mob formed and went to kill her for witchery. They approached her shack with their torches burning, and when she came out, some of the men died outright just from meeting her eyes. The witch cursed the surviving men, vowing to one day return and claim her revenge. They killed her and buried her head and body in two separate graveyards, as was the custom with Midwestern witches, but three days after she was buried, her graves were desecrated and her body disappeared.
"That's just a story though," he laughed as he finished up his tale. "It's probably nothing."
Then the bastard cut the engine and turned off the lights and pretended like the jeep had broken down.
I wonder if you could say you owned Jeffrey, causing him to steal himself infinitely.
[QUOTE=Elizer;27350392]:golfclap:
BDA does it again.[/QUOTE]
Anyone got an archive of Big Dumb American topics?
[quote=Big Dumb American] There is a lot of fun to be had in fooling children. [/quote]
I hate my cunt cousins (Cuntins I call them). They're all around Fourteen or below, all with ADHD and severe cunt disease. They're at the age where "omFg booOze is sO co0l l0L! lo0k ho0we droink i am" so I told them I'd buy them a drink if they each had two espressos from the coffee machine. They accepted. I ended up with hyper as kids running around breaking so much shit that they actually forgot about the drink I'd bought them.
Punishment ensued... for them. Good times.
When I was being bad as a kid, my dad would "Call" Santa clause and say Christmas is cancelled.
I had a rubber lizard that would move about the house by itself when i wasn't looking. I was amazed but also kind of creeped out by this.
then my little sister pulled its leg off and it stopped.
[ignore my rating, it was an accident i swear]
One time my dad said he bought me a new PS1 for my birthday, I was so excited that I shat my pants and had to go change.
And then it was a shitty gamecube.
Maybe he was trying to sub-consciously place the idea that stealing is bad and it hurts people into your head at a young age so you wouldn't steal.
Or he was just an ass.
[QUOTE=Greaterbeing;27350376]Where is the satisfaction in fooling a child?
Your dad sounds like an ass.
[editline]11th January 2011[/editline]
and chuck too, obviously[/QUOTE]
you have obviously never convinced your little brother that gnomes pee in his shoes.
I have a moral thing about stealing too.
When I was young I had a set of plastic giraffes, a male, a female and a kid one. One time I went to this kids playpark thing and took the dad one. My mum said I should'nt but I did anyway. This random little fuck ran up to me, smacked me one, stole my giraffe and ran off. I chased him but I was a little tubby (As I am now). He got away with my giraffe and I felt like a sack of shit for days. That is why I don't steal.
It's kind of strange how parents don't notice how big of an impact silly things can have on a child.
[QUOTE=-Dazed-;27352735]It's kind of strange how parents don't notice how big of an impact silly things can have on a child.[/QUOTE]
like molesting them
Motherfucking Jeffrey and his grubby fingers. My parents never did anything like this except when my dad pretended to pull toy cars out my ear and i thought he was a wizard until i was 7-8 :saddowns:
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